Where to go from here?

[Granin]

This is kind of a sequel to this topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/369313-say-goodbye-keep-hoping as the situation has developed somewhat. It's a long post, so in short, I got friend zoned by a girl I liked a lot, and decided to pursue the friendship for a while. I was going to meet her again and just say goodbye because I was finding it difficult to handle.

 

 

I saw her again. We met for a coffee and talked for a few hours, really good chat and I was getting more comfortable with the idea of being friends with her. Learnt a lot about eachother.

 

 

The next day was her friends birthday (a friend of my friend) so we went out clubbing with them. We were both drunk and high, and ended up spending a lot of the night dancing and grinding eachother. We briefly kissed in the smoking area. I started getting my hopes up again in this drunken state, but saw her grinding some other guy about an hour later. She was pissed out her skull and it was probably the reason she grinded me and let me kiss her. I felt a bit hurt that she could be so cavalier about my feelings when she was aware of them, even if she was drunk. Or even worse, was she ****ing with my head for fun?

 

 

Anyway, my friends left a bit early so I did too. We'd arranged to meet for coffee the next day again, so I rang her in the morning to see if she was feeling up to it. We met a little later than planned, but ended up having a coffee, then going back to her house, lying in bed and watching a film, because we were both hungover. She had to go to work, so I left, told her I wasn't sure when I'd be back there again and she said she'd let me know when she wasn't so busy.

 

 

I'd actually like to be friends with her. There's so much I like and appreciate about her that it would be a shame to part with it all, and I do feel more comfortable about just being friends. But it's pretty evident I still have feelings, and she knows, providing she remembers what happened that night. We haven't talked about it.

 

 

It's a bit of a bizarre situation now. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

up to you.

 

Either carry on drifting along as is, or find a young lady to date, and relegate this one to the friend zone. But back a bit.

[thesaka24]

I had a problem just like this.

Girl I liked friend zoned me...naaaahh she didn't friend zone me, she brother zoned me...I mean WHAT ?

Well I was kinda feeling bad about it but I found new girlfriend and now its all good...that girl I liked is like a sister to me now

[Cutiepie1976]

Since you have feelings for her, and are really hoping for a relationship, I would stop communicating or seeing her.

 

Things will be frustrating if you don't, and very hurtful when she starts dating someone else.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Granin]

Yeah I think it's time to look for someone else

 

 

Shame though, really liked this girl a lot, more than I've ever liked anyone

Edited February 15, 2013 by Granin

[La Cha]

I feel for ya man. I've been through it before as well. I've had a very similar situation. Seems like at this time there's not a lot you have in control. She's obviously not ready for something serious right now, especially not with you. It doesn't mean she doesn't still like you (even if you were put in the friend zone). This is just a classic case of you wanting more out of what has happened between you guys than she does. Control what you can control. Realize you can't get too upset over what you can't control. Most people say never take this kind of stuff personal but sometimes it important to feel hurt to truly understand how love works. The more you hurt the more you learn.

 

Keep me updated on the situation and how you are progressing on the matter

[Granin]

The situation has developed again I guess

 

 

We're supposed to be hanging out next weekend, she seems to be looking forward to it, as friends, still trying to completely eliminate any feelings I have.

 

 

Anyway the main development was out of my control. A friend stupidly asked her what she thought about me (this was completely without me asking him to do anything or wanting to know such information) he then texted me and it's basically a reconfirmation of the friend zone. Found this really annoying to be honest, because there's a good chance she'll think I'm pathetically probing for information and it's a depressing reminder I didn't need. And I hate this chinese whispers type stuff, it's juvenile and misleading. He's an idiot. He's going through a LDR at the moment and we've kind of been there to cheer each other up and offer advice, but this is a bit of a redlight when it comes to confiding in someone so that's going to stop. But I suppose at least I know what I suspected - the drunken night meant nothing

 

 

I know I really need to get out and really get back in the game but I've been swamped lately and haven't had much chance to get out. When I do I plan to really just go for it and get some numbers and open some options, it's quite liberating knowing no rejection/friend zoning is going to hurt as much as this did. Wish me luck!

 

 

With her, things are teetering between going on with the friendship and consistently concsiously trying to remind myself not to like her romantically, and just cutting ties and going NC. I actually have a "Goodbye" message saved ready to go at a moments notice. I plan to see how things feel this weekend, and decide what to do from there. Right now I'm very much inclined to send her the message and go NC, or maybe do it in person, depending on how things go/feel.

 

 

I think the main reasons I've been so hesitant to give her the finger is because this is the first time this has happened to me, so inexperience, and because she had such a general positive impact on me. If the changes I aim to make to my life go through and I manage to pull it off (and it looks like they are going to go through), I could owe it all to her and a near death experience. 70% her, 30% near death experience. Give or take a percent

[TaraMaiden]

I plan to see how things feel this weekend, and decide what to do from there.

 

How many more times are you going to give yourself that one final, "let's see how it goes this weekend" moment? You do this repeatedly.

The big problem with you, is not that you're just waiting to see how it goes - you just won't let go. All this prevarication isn't about 'wondering', it's about 'clinging'. You're hanging on by the extremities of your fingertips and you won't do the right thing and let it go, because you're holding vain hope.

 

You've had so many confirmations that this is going absolutely nowhere, and that you are friend-zoned - You know it. But you just won't take it, will you?

 

Jeesh, dude - leave it be!!

 

Right now I'm very much inclined to send her the message and go NC, or maybe do it in person, depending on how things go/feel.

Send her the message. Loosen the tie, and let her know, it ends here.

 

I think the main reasons I've been so hesitant to give her the finger is because this is the first time this has happened to me, so inexperience, and because she had such a general positive impact on me. If the changes I aim to make to my life go through and I manage to pull it off (and it looks like they are going to go through), I could owe it all to her and a near death experience. 70% her, 30% near death experience. Give or take a percent

 

I hate to break this to you, but on an emotional, relationship level, this has no relevance whatsoever.

 

This may be the first time this has happened to you, but you forget the experience WE'VE had - which is what we have been trying to give you the benefit of.

 

You may be annoyed with your friend for "intervening" by asking her probing questions, but he's done you a favour.

Ans whatever influence there has been from her, there comes a time when it just no longer counts enough for it to affect your future.

 

It's like working through an apprenticeship - it's done you great favours and given you skills - but nobody ever intended your job prospects ever had to end there, because of what you owed your tutors....

 

So cut the BS and prevaricating.

Basically, you're just playing for time and hopping from one foot to the other.

 

And for what?

[Granin]

And for what?

 

 

I enjoy spending time with her.

 

 

I'm completely honestly aware that I've got no chance at all with this girl on a romantic level anymore, even if at some point I did. Please, don't suffer the delusion of thinking I'm pining and drooling over this girl. I've got lingering feelings and they may cause a problem, but if there's any chance of developing a genuine friendship with her I want to explore it. I'm not deluded, I know nothing is going to happen. Trust me.

 

 

However, I'm starting to realise this isn't worth the effort or pain. I would rather cut ties in person. And I would be seeing her this weekend regardless through mutual friends, unless I have a **** weekend and stay in, there's no real avoiding this anyway. In future, it will be possible to completely avoid her all together, but this is just something logistical that can't really be avoided (or rather not worth avoiding because it would ruin my weekend).

 

 

Really, I'm 100% sure I'm cutting ties now. Months of completely feeling horrendous about this has been enough. I've learnt my lesson.

 

 

I can understand why you'd be frustrated reading my situation and not following your advice to the letter. You've probably been through this before and seen it a ton of times (honestly if I was outside my head and saw myself doing this I'd say the same as you) but try and understand how it actually feels in my place.

 

 

I appreciate your advice, but ****ing up so horrendously and drawing this out has made the lesson all the more powerful, I will never EVER do this again. Mindlessly following your advice wouldn't have had the same affect, but it has been a useful guide, if a little blunt and impatient, so thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

I know I sound like a bitch most of the time, but really, I hope it goes ok for you.

I think I try and get people riled up enough to stop the actual pain, of the actual situation, hurting so much.

If people get mad with me, it temporarily switches their focus.

 

Maybe they even 'wake up' a little at times (where 'waking up might be a good thing to do..... )

 

[Granin]

Haha I get that, really though I don't need the tough love approach, I know what I have to do. How should I go about breaking contact? This is the message I plan to send:

 

 

Hey, look I think it might be best if we stopped talking to each other. I know I said it would be fine for us to be friends, and I honestly thought it would be, but I don't think I'm handling it very well at all. I lied when I said this had happened to me before - it hasn't, I think I just wanted you to think it wasn't too big a deal for me,so I don't know if I've gone about everything the right way. You're a ****ing phenomenal person and I get so much enjoyment out of just talking to you, but I think I'm just ultimately torturing myself by trying to develop a friendship with you, because for the foreseeable future I'm always going to hope for something more substantial without there being any hope at all. It's starting to make me feel really bad and affect opportunities I could have with other people. It might sound weird, and I suppose it is, but you've really changed the way I see a lot of things for the better and inspired me to start trying again in life and be the best person I can, and in such a short space of time too. I hope I'll carry on acting upon that, improve myself and start living a bit more, then maybe I won't look so lost If things go the way I plan over the next year or so, I'll have a lot to thank you for, so I'll say a massive thank you now just in case. I'm really truly sorry if this seems sudden and for not doing this on Christmas Eve, I honestly didn't know any better and just wanted to get to know you even more. I completely understand why you'd feel the way you do, and I don't blame you; but eventually I'll find someone as good as you again, not be so stupid and have done enough by then to be good for them too. I wish you all the luck in the universe; I hope you do really well in your degree, I hope you'll get to visit all the countries you want to (which is pretty much all of them I think), and I hope you don't get deported . Have a fantastic life. Sorry for going on for so long, but it's important to me that you know how I feel and why I think this should be done. I need to completely forget about you. I know it's selfish but I hope you understand. Goodbye K****.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Granin

[imtooconfused]

This has happened to me quite often. Often enough that I am getting pretty good at the brush-off:

 

I know it seems like we get along so well and have so much in common that we are almost "best buddies." But given the fact that {I'm so into you and you're not into me at all} or {you're so into me and I'm not into you at all} and that we don't see eye-to-eye on such an important thing, it really makes it impossible for me to realistically be friends with you anymore.

 

This approach cuts through a lot of the melodrama and prevents me from having second thoughts.

[Yamaha]

My take on the friendzone is this:

"You want to start with friendship and she wants to end with friendship."

 

Yuo really can't be friends until you want the same as her.

[imtooconfused]

My take on the friendzone is this:

"You want to start with friendship and she wants to end with friendship."

 

Yuo really can't be friends until you want the same as her.

 

Yes, exactly!

[Cutiepie1976]

Haha I get that, really though I don't need the tough love approach, I know what I have to do. How should I go about breaking contact? This is the message I plan to send:

 

It's heartfelt. I would remove the obscenity. Not a big fan of using obscenities with friends. It's a little disrespectful, and I would save that type of language for a male locker room. Otherwise, I really like it!

 

I think it's a nice way to close the circle.

[Granin]

It's heartfelt. I would remove the obscenity. Not a big fan of using obscenities with friends. It's a little disrespectful, and I would save that type of language for a male locker room. Otherwise, I really like it!

 

I think it's a nice way to close the circle.

 

 

I will do, thanks

 

 

Thanks for all the messages everyone, it's really helped a lot knowing this has happened to other people and to just have some support, it's useless talking about this with male friends, and I've only got a couple of close female friends

[soccerrprp]

Good luck, Granin!

 

I've been in and still involved in what you wanted, would have liked. Not easy, but in the end, you REALLY need to be over her romantically to be her friend.

 

BROTHER, I KNOW ALL TOO WELL.... Fortunately, it worked out the way I wanted....

[Granin]

Good luck, Granin!

 

I've been in and still involved in what you wanted, would have liked. Not easy, but in the end, you REALLY need to be over her romantically to be her friend.

 

BROTHER, I KNOW ALL TOO WELL.... Fortunately, it worked out the way I wanted....

 

 

Thanks man

 

 

Curious, what happened in your situation?

[soccerrprp]

Thanks man

 

 

Curious, what happened in your situation?

 

I'm very much friends with my ex. In fact, we were together the other day with our kids (hers, mine) having a play date.

 

The keys are:

 

1. TO MOVE ON AND HAVE NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR HER (I don't worry about her having more- why? see #2)

2. Make it clear what your expectations are. CLEAR! You give her the option to continue with friendship or exit. She chose to remain friends instead of losing my friendship.

 

True friends, people who really care about one's welfare don't easily let each other go. She may change her mind and leave, but that is part of the risk. She is aware that I am dating and that things will not be the same. My current gf also knows (from the very first date).

 

Risky, sure. But be transparent and upfront. Let the mature people around you make the decision to stay or go.

 

I know that it typically doesn't work out this way, but I thank the stars above that my situation isn't typical.

 

I had to add this: If I could do it over, I would be far more hesitant about being friends with exes. It simply becomes a part of your baggage that you really don't want.

Edited February 26, 2013 by soccerrprp

[Granin]

I'm very much friends with my ex. In fact, we were together the other day with our kids (hers, mine) having a play date.

 

The keys are:

 

1. TO MOVE ON AND HAVE NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR HER (I don't worry about her having more- why? see #2)

2. Make it clear what your expectations are. CLEAR! You give her the option to continue with friendship or exit. She chose to remain friends instead of losing my friendship.

 

True friends, people who really care about one's welfare don't easily let each other go. She may change her mind and leave, but that is part of the risk. She is aware that I am dating and that things will not be the same. My current gf also knows (from the very first date).

 

Risky, sure. But be transparent and upfront. Let the mature people around you make the decision to stay or go.

 

I know that it typically doesn't work out this way, but I thank the stars above that my situation isn't typical.

 

I had to add this: If I could do it over, I would be far more hesitant about being friends with exes. It simply becomes a part of your baggage that you really don't want.

 

 

I think you may be confused? That ultimatum has come and gone, she isn't interested, or not interested enough anyway. She wants us to remain friends, I want more, and I'm finding it difficult to handle as I can't detatch myself romantically, thus I've decided to end the friendship. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels, the issue is it's difficult for me to go on knowing that and the idea of seeing her with other people and having to swallow that with a smile ... it's too difficult. I know it'd hurt me, just the idea makes my heart sink, and I've hurt too much for this girl as it is considering really, in terms of tangible results, there's been very little.

 

 

I have no idea how much she values the friendship. She's an exchange student, and it's just a feeling I get, but I get the sense she doesn't have a whole lot of friends. Mutual friends of friends have told me that she seems to cling to this one girl a lot who she lives with, and doesn't socialise much outside of that. I don't think she's lonely though, she's very independent and not remotely shy. I also get that impression, as she doesn't go out socialising when her friend is away. I get the sense she's dependent on this other girl to make friends in a general sense. She'll have other friends I'm sure, but in terms of her immediate surroundings, I think she has a limited and contingent circle.

 

 

Lately I've been preparing by distancing myself. Not initiating conversations by phone or Facebook and limiting my responses. Just to ease myself into it a bit first. She's become a lot more responsive and initiates conversations more - longer replies, more concerned with how I am etc. So I don't know if she's starting to get the sense I'm distancing myself and is worried. I also nearly died not long after we met each other, so she does seem genuinely concerned for my health.

 

 

I also resent the idea that she either:

 

 

A) Feels sorry for me and is friends out of pity

B) Is keeping me as a friend as a boost to her self esteem

 

 

These are baseless assertions on my part really, but I really can't stand the idea of that, and it's another incentive to end this friendship. For all the good she's done me, the idea that either of those is true makes me feel awful. And both must be true to a certain extent - the idea that someone fancies you is empowering, even if you don't reciprocate, and she probably does feel sorry for me. They're both natural I guess. But the idea that they are her motivations, that gets to me.

 

 

So, I aim to have this done by next week, probably Tuesday. I'll muscle through meeting her one last time, and make it as pleasant and memorable an experience for both of us as I can. Then I'm going to cut the tie. This cannot go on. Maybe months or years down the line I won't care anymore, and we could have an amazing friendship - but that hypothetical situation I was never aiming for in the first place is not worth feeling this ****.

[TaraMaiden]

*sigh*

[soccerrprp]

Granin,

 

You asked me about MY experience, so not confused. For you, absolutely- end it. Sorry.

[Granin]

@Tara: Go on, what is it this time? Give me your tough love

 

 

@Soccer: Ahh I see, so you were on the other end of the stick then? And yeah I've realised that now. It's taken time to learn the lesson, but there's no question

[TaraMaiden]

If you'd only done this at the beginning, you would have save yourself a lot of to-ing and fro-ing....

But maybe you HAD to have this experience....

It just makes me sad when one-sided efforts are fruitless, but it seems like the experience was necessary for you....

[soccerrprp]

 

@Soccer: Ahh I see, so you were on the other end of the stick then? And yeah I've realised that now. It's taken time to learn the lesson, but there's no question

 

No, I was the dumpee, sort of...our split was essentially mutual, but she clearly admitted that she was not ready for a LTR...eh, semantics.

 

"I also resent the idea that she either:

 

A) Feels sorry for me and is friends out of pity

B) Is keeping me as a friend as a boost to her self esteem"

 

The thing about A and B is that my friend knows and sees that I am happier and if it is a boost to her self-esteem, fabulous! It's not at my expense and wonder of it all is that we enjoy being around one another. And i don't have to pretend otherwise!

 

It's sort of crazy and satisfying at the same time. We are as friends than as romantic partners.

 

Good luck! I do feel for you, but sometimes we do what our heart tells us, not our head. Sometimes it has nothing to do with so-called "tough love." We learn by our experiences, our mistakes, our heart-breaks because we dared to do or try something that most people would tell you not to....sometimes they're wrong...

 

Still, keeping moving forward and be true to yourself above all else.