KissMyTiara Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Ok, so I've been thinking a lot about my MM's children and his wife, and thinking that I probably should do what's best for everyone involved in this situation... Eventually, this thing between my MM and I will end (my doing, it's getting to be more than I can take). Once it's all over, should the W know? I am his second affair, and if what he tells me is true re: the problems in his marriage, it will happen with another OW again, and again, and again. So...as the W, should you know? Would you really want to know? Would you rather continue on in a blah marriage where your husband is running around on you 2-3x a week, or would you rather know what he was doing so that you could move on and build a truly happy and healthy relationship for yourself and your children? I ask bc I am the child of a loveless, arguing, blah marriage, and I wish to GOD that they had separated and found real, true love, rather than stay with each other for MY benefit (cuz God knows, children aren't blind and deaf - they have a way of knowing what's really going on, and then feelings guilty, as if their parents' misery is their doing). So - Wives. It's up to you. Do I make it so that she finds out what he's done? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Honestly KMT? Almost every single person on here will tell you they would want to know. But I bet quite a few would not agree with you or anyone you know being the instrument of knowledge. You could try to get the MM to confess.....probably the only decent way it can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 30, 2004 Author Share Posted August 30, 2004 Right, gotcha. I'm really trying to get a response from the wives, either the ones that "think" they have a devoted, faithful spouse, or the ones who have in fact been cheated on and know it. I'm curious how they found out, whether they wish they didn't, but if they did and are glad they did, how to cause the least amount of injury in providing that information. I was actually thinking about just writing a long letter and having it passed on. Even with flowers or something. I dunno... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Yeah. And I can really tell you what they're going to say, because I've asked the same question. Hokey once wrote a good format letter. Do a search. You also need to ask yourself what is your motivation. All of a sudden you just feel the need to purge yourself of guilt? Your guilt may just be something you have to live with-it's easier not to have it in the first place. He's not leaving his wife? That again does not make it your duty to destroy her world. You do not have the right to hurt her regardless of what he is doing and although the information may be appreciated later it won't initially. I'd also like to point out that for you to say you'd like to do what's best for everyone involved is a little hypocritical at this stage of the game, don't you think? The role you chose for yourself (and every one of us does) is the role of silent suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 30, 2004 Author Share Posted August 30, 2004 My motivation is simple. I was at the beach last weekend with a girlfriend, talking about this situation, and we were surrounded by families, many of which looked like the picture of MM, his wife, and kids. I looked around at all these women, thinking, "Jesus, any one of these women could be LIVING a LIE, never knowing, until she's like 45 or something, and then she finds out and feels like her whole life was a lie...." My MM's W is only 32. There are 3 kids, all under the age of 5. There is time for her and the kids to find what they deserve, plenty of time there for her to be happy, and not go years and years living a lie...I mean, she's bound to find out, the way he acts, the number of women, etc., so wouldn't it be better to know now than years and years down the line? Yes, it's a bit hypocritical of me to only now want to make things right, but at least I'm thinking and wanting to, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 No, because you are lying about your motivation to yourself. Looking at pictures of families is NOT going to trigger a thought like "they could be living a lie" right away, it's going to trigger "why isn't he living this with ME" I know because I've been there. It wouldn't be better. It is not noble of you to take it upon yourself to inform his wife that he is a dog. It does not absolve you. On the other hand, if you need to get rid of him and make him hate you for ever certainly threaten him with exposure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 30, 2004 Author Share Posted August 30, 2004 I am not looking for absolution - that I know will never happen. But I do, and have throughout the duration of my affair with the MM - felt this weird betrayal of the W, of another woman. I cannot and will not sit idly by and allow him to continuously cheat on her, putting her physical and emotional health, as well as financial condition, at stake. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I am not looking for absolution - that I know will never happen. But I do, and have throughout the duration of my affair with the MM - felt this weird betrayal of the W, of another woman. I cannot and will not sit idly by and allow him to continuously cheat on her, putting her physical and emotional health, as well as financial condition, at stake. You can, and you will, because you removed any right you had to enlighten her by being the receptacle for his penis. If you really felt wierd about betraying his wife then you shouldn't have slept with him in the first place. Backpedalling to a moral highpoint at the end of an affair is common, but I remind you again that it is not your place to tell her, or have her "accidentally" find out. This urge will soon pass-and you will be entirely thankfull you did not bring the sh*t storm down upon you that this could be. I believe that your concern for her is false-in your own mind. You're fooling yourself to think you genuinely care for her physical, emotional and financial health-if you did, you wouldn't have slept with her husband. Just breathe. Deeply. Resist the urge. Their marriage is none of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 30, 2004 Author Share Posted August 30, 2004 Ok, your opinion has been noted for the record. I would, however, still appreciate the insight from the WIVES, not another OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Yeah. Ok. You think anyone on here is going to give you the O.K. to destroy this woman's life? Is that what you're looking for now? Read through this. You yourself posted. Yet you're asking the same question here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40832/ I can tell you right now that I'm MORE than glad I didn't act on it. I can look back now with relief that I got that camel off my back. I am glad that I did not tell her, or have her find out. I'm fairly sure in the back of her mind she's aware he dicks around on her. Maybe after you've ended the relationship and have truly moved on to a new, healthy one then you can drop that particular bomb. But most definetly not now. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Ok, I've never been the wife, but I have been the "serious" girlfriend who was being cheated on and had the other woman come tell her about it. I can tell you, I didn't appreciate her "concern." She was trying to get back at my boyfriend (at least that's the way I felt), and was not concerned for my well-being. She knew about me the entire time she was sleeping with him, and she didn't stop out of concern for me, only because their relationship was on the rocks anyway. I told her to get the hell away from me. Eventually, my relationship with him did end, but not because of her "concern" which pushed her to come talk to me. I wish she would have left me alone, to be honest. The truth is, I already knew what was going on, and was trying to deal with it on my own. I hadn't left him yet simply because I wasn't ready to. And there's a good chance this wife won't leave her husband, even if you do tell her. In fact, she'll probably resent you more than him. Don't ask me why...that seems to be the way it works a lot of times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 Girlie - I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm not looking for her to leave her H though, so that's not why I'd want her to know. A few times we have engaged in unprotected sex (drunk, where we start, and then I say "oh ****, gotta get a condom"). He takes risks with his job to be with me. These are things that put her health and financial stablity in jeopardy, regardless of whether or not it is me or some other OW that he is doing it with. I know that Spock and others thinks that I have put myself, the MM, and the W in this situation, and so I should stay out of it. I understand why they think this, but I see the situation differently. I fell in love with this man not knowing that he was even married. It has taken me a LOT of willpower to slowly pry myself from his grip. Now, I find myself looking at a house that is on fire. Perhaps I contributed to that fire, but the initial spark was accidental. Nevertheless, I am standing here looking at this house wondering if I should go inside and rescue the woman sleeping in her bedroom breathing in toxic fumes, or if I should just wait and see whether or not she ever wakes up. I feel that if I do the latter, the result is inevitably tragic. If I pull her out, she may be a bit bruised and burned, but she will survive, and thrive. See what I mean? This is what I am thinking - I am not lying about this motivation. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I don't know you personally, so I don't know whether you're sincere in your statements or not. I'm only warning you that it likely won't be perceived that way by the wife in my opinion. There's a good chance that she already has some idea that something is going on. But she'll likely be angry and confused at hearing it and finally knowing it's for real (assuming she doesn't just go straight into denial). My advice would be to leave it be. Not because I don't think she has a right to know. Only because I know what it's like hearing it from the other woman, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It hurt enough just being the girlfriend...I can't even imagine how she would feel as the wife with the kids. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I know that Spock and others thinks that I have put myself, the MM, and the W in this situation, and so I should stay out of it. I understand why they think this, but I see the situation differently. I fell in love with this man not knowing that he was even married. It has taken me a LOT of willpower to slowly pry myself from his grip. I've just been there, that's all. I think you should tell him you want his wife to know, and see what happens. Once you've given yourself some time, and distance, then re-evaluate things. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I'm not a wife. Hell, I'm not even a woman. I'm just a MM, and barely one at that, anymore. Nevertheless, let me urge caution before you drop a letter bomb on that family. You require a cooling off period, kmt--at least 30 days. You need distance, disconnection and detachment before you revisit this issue. Yeah, you might have your MM by the balls. But do you really want to nuke his family, his kids, too? When is aggression, payback and spleen all dressed up as love, honesty and concern. Your MM is a prick. He's a serial adulterer; a super a-hole. His family is a victim, too. Don't pile on, girl. Please, wait at least 30 days after no contact before you make your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I ask bc I am the child of a loveless, arguing, blah marriage, and I wish to GOD that they had separated and found real, true love, rather than stay with each other for MY benefit (cuz God knows, children aren't blind and deaf - they have a way of knowing what's really going on, and then feelings guilty, as if their parents' misery is their doing). So you believe that in the telling, your childhood pains may be relieved. Is this a realistic expectation? But, like sinner, I'm not a wife. All I can say is let the sleeping dog lie. You have known this day would come. Frankly, you may feel stornger for having simply taken control by calmly walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
pedwin Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I AM THE WIFE AND I WAS CHEATED ON FOR 6 YEARS OUT OF MY 9 YEAR MARRIAGE. I AM IN SUCH PAIN I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU. THE OTHER WOMAN CALLED MY HOUSE, BUT IT WAS BY ACCIDENT. SHE DIDN'T KNOW THAT I EXISTED. IT STILL BOTHERS ME TO THIS DAY THAT MY H WAS NOT THE ONE WHO TOLD ME. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. HIS WIFE WILL BE HURT EITHER WAY. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT. YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THAT HE'S GOT ONE WEEK TO COME CLEAN WITH HIS WIFE. THREATEN TO DO IT YOURSELF IF HE DOESN'T. THIS WILL FORCE HIM TO DO THE RIGHT THING, BELIEVE ME SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU. SHE WILL NEVER BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE GROWN A CONSCIENCE. PEDWIN Link to post Share on other sites
LolaLopez Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 It would kill me to find out that way. It would kill me any way, but I don't know what I would do if I found out that way. I have a fiery temper as it is. These are emotions unexplored. But I agree w/ Pedwin. Of course I would want to know. Deserve to know. Need to know. Pedwin is right, it is a wreck either way...it makes me sick thinking of it. My thoughts are with you, Pedwin. It could be happening to any of us, apparently, is what I have learned at this forum. Lola Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingwife Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 KMT, Your not his wife, you really don't have the right to demand anything of him in that relationship. If he chooses to tell his wife, it is entirely his decision. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 This question has come up before on Loveshack and this is how I answered it as a wife: If my husband did something stupid which he regretted (eg. a one night stand) I think I would prefer not to know. By telling me I think he would be relieving his conscience, I'd prefer him to live with the guilt himself and not disturb my peace of mind if nothing was to be gained from telling. If it was a longer affair in which his emotions were engaged then I'd want to know because my first reaction would be to leave. Having said that, if I decided to stay for the family I may well have preferred to remain in ignorance. You just don't know until it happens to you. One thing I am certain of is that I would never want to find out from the OW. For the person who was so instrumental in destroying my family to tell me such news under the guise of it being in my and my family's interest would be unbearable. If he is a serial adulterer she will find out. She may already suspect and be turning a blind eye, it's not that uncommon. A friend acting in the interests of the wife would be able to gauge whether she wanted to know. You are no friend of hers, don't pretend to be. Don't get me wrong, the blame for betraying her is his, not yours. Still, if you feel guilt for your role you should find other ways of dealing with it. Don't make her pay the price for that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 My husband cheated on me with an old girlfriend who contacted him at a class reunion. It is a very long story but I found out when I discovered an email he sent her. I suspected my husband was "in love" and I knew it wasn't with me. I was devastated but I would NOT, NOT, NOT EVER have wanted to hear about it from her. It has been one of the most painful experiences of my life but it forced my husband and I to look at our relationship and figure out why it happened. We are more committed to each other now than ever before. We value each other and we put our relationship first. He told me everything, held me when I cried (which was a lot) and we went to counseling to guide us back to each other. KMT - ask the MM to get some professional counseling to find out why he has such disrespect for himself and women. Tell him he needs to find out why he requires so much attention and what's missing from him life and what is he trying to avoid by filling his life with so much caos. It would be good for you to talk to someone too. This forum is fine but to get at the meat of you, you need to talk to someone who can help you face your unsettled self. I hope you decide to get out of the relationship with that MM and find happiness. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
kim874 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I fully agree with what Meanon says. Whatever your reasons for feeling that this man's wife should know, you won't be helping anyone by being the bearer of bad news. This woman will not feel gratitude towards you for telling her the truth about her husband---she may be unrealistic and blame you entirely for what happened. She will be upset with you in any case, as you were one of the parties involved. Just end all contact with this man and stay out of the mess he has made of his life. If he continues to have other affairs, she will probably find out at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by sinner Please, wait at least 30 days after no contact before you make your decision. THIS I can do, and it will be easy, seeing as I am going out of the country soon for over 3 weeks (England and France, not like another world exactly, but obviously impossible to see him). Maybe I'll feel differently. Part of the reason why I am going is to get my own distance. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Great, kmt. I'm so happy to hear about your Euro road trip. Have fun, meet lots of guys and party hard. Meanwhile, I'll stay here and bill! Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 My H had an A w/ co-worker. I did not hear about the A until after he filed for a D and I made him move out of our home. A few days later I heard that he was having the A w/ the OW. I found out from friends. I had two friends who's H's worked w/ my H and also had a very close friend that worked w/ my H. So I had plenty of ppl telling me about that A. Did I want to hear it, no, but I needed to hear it. I was the one that called the OW ( I knew her, everytime I went to see H at work she would come over and talk to me (B4 the A). Anyhow, of course she denied the A. I wouldn't want to find out from the OW. You need to break away from this A and get on w/ your life. Leave this MM behind and start over. Link to post Share on other sites
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