simply dan Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 My girlfriend and I broke up towards the end of 2002. I was about to start a new job in a new location and she’d been growing tired of my complete inability to make a permanent commitment to her. It seemed like a sensible break. Within six months I was going out of my mind and went back to offer the ultimate commitment to her. Understandably, she declined, on the basis that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life waiting for me to flake out on her again. I accepted her decision and walked away, but I was utterly destroyed. It was entirely my fault, I’d been blowing hot and cold for 3 years, but I was genuinely heartbroken. I cut ties with all of our mutual friends and stopped going out in our local town because I couldn't bear to have any contact with her. I cried in the car on the way to and from work for at least six months – it may have been a year. I couldn't get over her. I papered over the cracks as best I could and tried to move on. I had a couple of short, completely hopeless relationships over the next few years. They went nowhere because I didn't want anyone else. Six years ago I gave up trying, there was no point in hurting more people. In the meantime my ex and I got into a cycle of texting each other on our birthdays, just to say hi and wish each other the best, nothing more. On her last birthday she suggested that it might be nice to meet up for lunch sometime. I knew that to her I was just some guy that she went out with once upon a time, but for me, she was still my ex and I missed her every day. I declined on the basis that I was sorry but I couldn't do the friends with exes thing. That was hard because I’d give anything to see her again, but I really couldn't be platonic friends with her. She accepted that sympathetically. Fast forward to last weekend when she drunkenly texted me. To cut a lot of texts short - her marriage is on the rocks (I didn't know she was married – I’d made a point of not knowing). She misses me. It doesn't matter, she’s sorry that she bothered me. I replied first flirtatiously, then sympathetically as the story unfolded. A few days later I’m completely messed up again. I’m back in 2003. All the scars have been reopened and I’m flailing around looking for my next move and checking my phone every 10 minutes like a teenager in case I’ve had a message from her (which I haven’t since Sunday morning). Part of me is gutted that her relationship is on the rocks (partly because I genuinely wish her happiness and partly as I’ve placated myself over the years that my misery is balanced out by her happiness). Apparently that no longer holds true. Part of me is glad that I may yet have another chance with her. Part of me is petrified that she might move on to someone else making me feel even more rejected. It may have been a random drunken lashing out. It may have been more. I have no way of knowing. I'm a proper grown up but I'm absolutely lost. I don't know what to do. Something? Nothing? Any advice appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I think your focus should be on why you haven't been able to let go of this.girl for 10 years. it isn't healthy. she moved on and got married. I would have no more contact and get some therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) It does sound very unhealthy when a married women is chasing after an ex of 10 years ago. That she didn't even admit it to you from the outset points to a very reckless person. But that very fact might give you some inkling as to why her marriage is going tits up. I'd be inclined not to have any further contact of any sort. It's already having a bad effect on your emotional well being. It's also very possible she is using you in this latest bout of contact to fed her plummeting self esteem on the back of a failing marriage. You don't have to be that "emotional tampon" for her, to use a term often bandied around these parts! Edited February 14, 2013 by Joaquin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
big bear Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Let this be a lesson. Old wounds do open up if you give in. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 If she loved you so much, then why did she marry someone else? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumPI Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 She just need someone to let go of her marriage easily ... be it you or someone else. I don't know how you can't see that you are going to attach to someone emotionally unavailable Link to post Share on other sites
Author simply dan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Thanks to all for your feedback, you've certainly given me plenty to think about, much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
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