Hurt feelings on VDay...

[MissGoLightly]

I haven’t posted here in awhile, but I am unreasonably upset about something and I just need to vent about how disappointed and hurt I am.

 

Last yearfor Valentine’s Day my bf sent his sister and me the exact same bouquet of flowers. I found out sometime after Valentine’s Day when we were at her house and I saw the flowers and said something about it. I don’t remember exactly what I said at the time, but I nicely let my bf know that in the future it would be really special to me if he could send us different flowers. FYI, his sister is married, and was at the time. Her husband goes all out for V-Day– jewelry, roses, nice dinner out, and usually a romantic weekend away somewhere as well. As it turns out, my husband sent us the flowers he did (tulips) because they were on sale.

 

This Valentine’s Day we are newlyweds. I’m not sure exactly how long we get to use that term for, but we’ve only been married a few months.

 

This year I got tulips again. That was nice and thoughtful. But then I found out he sent his mother red roses. She felt the need to email me and tell me he called her just as they arrived. (She is local, so it’s not likehe doesn’t see or talk to her frequently.)

 

And then I checked Facebook and saw his sister posted a picture of the flowers my H sent her (this year her own husband give her a gigantic diamond right hand ring, is taking her out to dinner, got her flowers, and is taking her away this weekendfor a romantic trip). My H sent her 3 dozen flowers. They are Gorgeous. Romantic. Exotic. Opulent. Extravagant. I have never seen such an enormous, beautiful, romantic display offlowers. She had dozens of comments andlikes on the photo – people pretty much seem to agree with my assessment of the flowers. Frankly, they put my bouquet to shame.

 

Why does this hurt my feelings? You’re supposedto give your wife flowers for Valentine’s Day. He did what he is “supposed” to do for me – and he went above and beyond for his sister and mom by sending them flowers. It’s so nice and thoughtful of him to send flower sto his sister and mother, but he is treating me exactly the same as he treats them – and I am the one he is supposed to be romantic with, and go above and beyond for. If he did anything else –pick out a card for me, take me out to dinner, cook me dinner for a change, get me another gift, ANYTHING that would differentiate me from his family – I would be fine. But it’s like not only did he not differentiate me from his family in any way, he even sent them both more romantic flowers than he sent me. A dozen pink and white tulips are friendly, not romantic.

Edited February 14, 2013 by MissGoLightly

[Keenly]

Your problem is that you are expecting and demanding things just because of one stupid day of the year... and your turning into "that wife"

 

 

Honestly answer this.... would you rather him buy you flowers and stuff because.he loves you and he thought about you or would you rather him do it for the SOLE reason of if he doesn't you will get mad and throw a fit.

[MissGoLightly]

I didn't demand anything. I'm not really sure what you mean. My only expectation is that my husband treat me more romantically than he treats his mom and sister. That doesn't seem like an unreasonable expectation?

[mitchell]

The day is not yet over. I suspect your husband has a very romantic evening planned for you. Don't get bent out of shape at this point. You will likely feel very guilty about your anger when you see what he has in store for you.

[TigerCub]

UGh!!! Valentine's day and its bulls**t!

 

I understand why you're upset. I do.

While it is nice that he's thoughtful to his mom and sister, it does strike me as odd that he sends the mom the red roses and doubles up the bouquet for the sister and you get the simpler ones...

 

But, at the same time, this story is annoying because of the Valentine's day obligation, the silly facebook pic of flowers and the updates.

 

Also, don't compare to the sister. I think while you are mad at what your husband has done (and I understand your feelings on this one) - I think you're also mad when you compare how your H treats you to how SIL's H goes all out for her, or else you wouldn't have mentioned that she gets jewelery and gets weekend vacations and all that.

 

I think if you don't put too much value on Valentine's and focus on how he treats you on a daily basis, you wouldn't be so upset.

 

I do understand that what he did made you feel not so special, so tell him that (not today), but that's all you can do...

 

What did you get him for Valentine's?

[CarboniteCammy]

Have you communicated to your husband that you're jealous of the efforts he makes for his mother and sister?

 

Does he do anthing else besides getting flowers? Do you go out to dinner or see a movie or anything?

 

Maybe if you have specific wants for Valentine's day, you may want to consider making those things happen yourself, like maybe you could make reservations at a nice place, or maybe you could schedule a weekend away.

 

Tonight, my husband and I are staying in and making dinner together. I don't even know if he's going to get me anything. He might. Not sure. Don't really care. I'd rather hang out with him and make dinner at home then go to a fancy restaurant, anyway.

 

I would like to maybe suggest that you not get hung up on a holiday that Hallmark basically invented to sell more cards. I know that it's "traditional" that sweet hearts exchange gifts and what not, but really as a couple you should see every day as another chance to show eachother romantic love.

 

I dunno. that's just my take.

[MissGoLightly]

UGh!!! Valentine's day and its bulls**t!

 

I understand why you're upset. I do.

While it is nice that he's thoughtful to his mom and sister, it does strike me as odd that he sends the mom the red roses and doubles up the bouquet for the sister and you get the simpler ones...

 

But, at the same time, this story is annoying because of the Valentine's day obligation, the silly facebook pic of flowers and the updates.

 

Also, don't compare to the sister. I think while you are mad at what your husband has done (and I understand your feelings on this one) - I think you're also mad when you compare how your H treats you to how SIL's H goes all out for her, or else you wouldn't have mentioned that she gets jewelery and gets weekend vacations and all that.

 

I think if you don't put too much value on Valentine's and focus on how he treats you on a daily basis, you wouldn't be so upset.

 

I do understand that what he did made you feel not so special, so tell him that (not today), but that's all you can do...

 

What did you get him for Valentine's?

I agree with the V-Day bs - I wouldn't be upset if he didn't do anything at all. In fact, I would actually rather he didn't spend $400 sending flowers to the 3 of us.

 

If I'm honest I have to admit that it does bother me than the SIL's husband goes all out for her all year long, and on V-Day, and then my husband also goes all out (in his own way) for her. Partly I pointed out how her husband treats V-Day because I just think it's important to note thta it's not like she just got dumped, or her own husband doesn't treat her really well.

 

I am making him his favorite dinner that I never make because it's so elaborate, and I got him a a gc for a massage and facial. He has been stressed out lately and I think he could really use some relaxation.

[MissGoLightly]

The day is not yet over. I suspect your husband has a very romantic evening planned for you. Don't get bent out of shape at this point. You will likely feel very guilty about your anger when you see what he has in store for you.

I know my husband - the flowers were the surprise

[MissGoLightly]

Have you communicated to your husband that you're jealous of the efforts he makes for his mother and sister?

 

Does he do anthing else besides getting flowers? Do you go out to dinner or see a movie or anything?

 

Maybe if you have specific wants for Valentine's day, you may want to consider making those things happen yourself, like maybe you could make reservations at a nice place, or maybe you could schedule a weekend away.

 

Tonight, my husband and I are staying in and making dinner together. I don't even know if he's going to get me anything. He might. Not sure. Don't really care. I'd rather hang out with him and make dinner at home then go to a fancy restaurant, anyway.

 

I would like to maybe suggest that you not get hung up on a holiday that Hallmark basically invented to sell more cards. I know that it's "traditional" that sweet hearts exchange gifts and what not, but really as a couple you should see every day as another chance to show eachother romantic love.

 

I dunno. that's just my take.

That's good advice, but I'm not really caught up on the holiday itself - it would be fine with me if I didn't get flowers, or anything else - as long as his mom and sister didn't get anything from him either lol We don't have any other plans for tonight, except I'm making him a special dinner.

 

My H is not very romantic toward me since we got married.

[mitchell]

I know my husband - the flowers were the surprise

 

But that's where you are wrong. He's got some other big surprise planned for you. This is your first VD as a married couple.

[MissGoLightly]

But that's where you are wrong. He's got some other big surprise planned for you. This is your first VD as a married couple.

 

LoL you are cracking me up mitchell !

[pteromom]

I think it is odd to even send flowers to a mom and sister on a day that is about romantic love... but maybe he grew up with it as a family holiday.

 

Eh.

 

Anyway, you are lucky you have a man who sends you flowers. You are lucky you have a man who loves his family. He sounds like a sweet guy.

 

And he DID take your advice and send you and his sister different flowers. Maybe there was some reason he thought the pink and white flowers were more beautiful than the others, or more "you" than the others.

 

You can bring it up again, and say you want your flowers to be BETTER than the ones he sends to his mom and sister, but honestly, it's in your best interest to gush over them and be thankful and gracious and kind. Because if gifts always bring a negative reaction, it's only a matter of time until he'll just quit putting in the effort at all.

[veryhappy]

Is this about his family dynamic? Does he have to prove he's good enough? My hunch is that it's either about him being a mama's boy and you'll never be happy with his family around or he feels obligated. If he feels free to be himself with you, and cares about money, that would be the reason of him saving on you while he impresses his family.

 

I hope he understands your problem and addresses it, because it's not a good sign for what's to come. You might end up third after mommy and sissy for far more important issues.

[MissGoLightly]

You can bring it up again, and say you want your flowers to be BETTER than the ones he sends to his mom and sister, but honestly, it's in your best interest to gush over them and be thankful and gracious and kind. Because if gifts always bring a negative reaction, it's only a matter of time until he'll just quit putting in the effort at all.

That's what I did do, and that's why I'm venting here and not elsewhere

 

As far as the possibility that maybe he thought the flowers he sent me were more "me", I think that's actually part of the reason I'm upset. H has given me flowers like maybe 4 times ever (twice for V-Day and once or twice for some other reason), and every time it is a dozen pink and white tulips. One of the reasons I'm as upset as I am is I feel like I am the kind of person who gets the status quo, like the same old same old, comfortable, blah. Then there's his sister who apparently is the kind of person who gets extravagant gestures from everyone, including her husband and my husband.

 

My husband basically has admitted that the flowers he sent his sister are better when he saw her picture on FB. Like, not in an apologetic way or like he didn't mean to or felt bad anything, he was just like "Damn I'm awesome and did amazing, look at those." When I texted him a pic of the flowers he sent me he didn't even comment except ":)"

[pteromom]

H has given me flowers like maybe 4 times ever (twice for V-Day and once or twice for some other reason), and every time it is a dozen pink and white tulips. One of the reasons I'm as upset as I am is I feel like I am the kind of person who gets the status quo, like the same old same old, comfortable, blah. Then there's his sister who apparently is the kind of person who gets extravagant gestures from everyone, including her husband and my husband.

 

 

Maybe he thinks you REALLY like them. Perhaps next time it is a special occasion, you can say, in a joking sweet flirty way, something like "My birthday is coming up. I REAAAALLLLLY liked that bouquet of flowers you sent your sister on Valentine's Day... hint hint!" with a laugh. Let him know that you don't always want pink and white tulips.

[MissGoLightly]

Maybe he thinks you REALLY like them. Perhaps next time it is a special occasion, you can say, in a joking sweet flirty way, something like "My birthday is coming up. I REAAAALLLLLY liked that bouquet of flowers you sent your sister on Valentine's Day... hint hint!" with a laugh. Let him know that you don't always want pink and white tulips.

Yeah, I know I get them every time because the first time he got them I liked them, so now he just does that because it's a "go to" and he doesn't have to actually spend time looking at other options. LoL I didn't think we'd be in a rut in our first year of marriage

[TigerCub]

I agree with the V-Day bs - I wouldn't be upset if he didn't do anything at all. In fact, I would actually rather he didn't spend $400 sending flowers to the 3 of us.

 

If I'm honest I have to admit that it does bother me than the SIL's husband goes all out for her all year long, and on V-Day, and then my husband also goes all out (in his own way) for her. Partly I pointed out how her husband treats V-Day because I just think it's important to note thta it's not like she just got dumped, or her own husband doesn't treat her really well.

 

I am making him his favorite dinner that I never make because it's so elaborate, and I got him a a gc for a massage and facial. He has been stressed out lately and I think he could really use some relaxation.

 

It sounds like you have some sweet things for him - that's nice

[pteromom]

Yeah, I know I get them every time because the first time he got them I liked them, so now he just does that because it's a "go to" and he doesn't have to actually spend time looking at other options. LoL I didn't think we'd be in a rut in our first year of marriage

 

This isn't a rut. He's doing what he thinks works, and it's up to you to communicate your needs rather than being internally upset. But you just gotta be smart about when and how you communicate those needs... today isn't that day. Today, you got pink and white tulips and you have to remember that every bloom is full of his love for you and focus on making today a beautiful day for the two of you.

 

And it's not to late to take the bull by the horns and make SURE today kicks the butt of the rut. You can take control and make tonight special, rather than hoping he will.

[Nyla]

I haven’t posted here in awhile, but I am unreasonably upset about something and I just need to vent about how disappointed and hurt I am.

 

Last yearfor Valentine’s Day my bf sent his sister and me the exact same bouquet of flowers. I found out sometime after Valentine’s Day when we were at her house and I saw the flowers and said something about it. I don’t remember exactly what I said at the time, but I nicely let my bf know that in the future it would be really special to me if he could send us different flowers. FYI, his sister is married, and was at the time. Her husband goes all out for V-Day– jewelry, roses, nice dinner out, and usually a romantic weekend away somewhere as well. As it turns out, my husband sent us the flowers he did (tulips) because they were on sale.

 

This Valentine’s Day we are newlyweds. I’m not sure exactly how long we get to use that term for, but we’ve only been married a few months.

 

This year I got tulips again. That was nice and thoughtful. But then I found out he sent his mother red roses. She felt the need to email me and tell me he called her just as they arrived. (She is local, so it’s not likehe doesn’t see or talk to her frequently.)

 

And then I checked Facebook and saw his sister posted a picture of the flowers my H sent her (this year her own husband give her a gigantic diamond right hand ring, is taking her out to dinner, got her flowers, and is taking her away this weekendfor a romantic trip). My H sent her 3 dozen flowers. They are Gorgeous. Romantic. Exotic. Opulent. Extravagant. I have never seen such an enormous, beautiful, romantic display offlowers. She had dozens of comments andlikes on the photo – people pretty much seem to agree with my assessment of the flowers. Frankly, they put my bouquet to shame.

 

Why does this hurt my feelings? You’re supposedto give your wife flowers for Valentine’s Day. He did what he is “supposed” to do for me – and he went above and beyond for his sister and mom by sending them flowers. It’s so nice and thoughtful of him to send flower sto his sister and mother, but he is treating me exactly the same as he treats them – and I am the one he is supposed to be romantic with, and go above and beyond for. If he did anything else –pick out a card for me, take me out to dinner, cook me dinner for a change, get me another gift, ANYTHING that would differentiate me from his family – I would be fine. But it’s like not only did he not differentiate me from his family in any way, he even sent them both more romantic flowers than he sent me. A dozen pink and white tulips are friendly, not romantic.

 

You are still a newlywed. I think people stop using that term after the first year of marriage, though anything under five years is considered a short time.

 

I think you are being oversensitive and rather ungrateful. Many wives don't even get flowers on Valentine's Day.

 

Why do you feel like you MUST have something different from his family? Your husband is still showing you that he loves you when he sends you flowers. Asking for more and having specifications on what kind of flowers is controlling and a little bit rude. Be thankful!

 

I'm sensing that you feel like you need to compete with your husband's female family members. You are his WIFE and that bond is unique. There is no need for you to be jealous. To put this in perspective, let's say you gave your husband a watch for his birthday. How would you feel if your husband insulted your gift and said: "My sister gives her husband a Rolex and takes him away for his birthday. I want that too!" I bet you wouldn't respond well to that; nobody would.

 

On Valentine's Day, my husband gives me roses, a card and we may go out for dinner or stay home. I NEVER compare what he gives me to what other hubbies may give their wives.

 

If you would rather he didn't spend money on flowers, why is this situation even an issue?

Edited February 14, 2013 by Nyla

[MissGoLightly]

You are still a newlywed. I think people stop using that term after the first year of marriage, though anything under five years is considered a short time.

 

I think you are being oversensitive and rather ungrateful. Many wives don't even get flowers on Valentine's Day.

 

Why do you feel like you MUST have something different from his family? Your husband is still showing you that he loves you when he sends you flowers. Asking for more and having specifications on what kind of flowers is controlling and a little bit rude. Be thankful!

 

I'm sensing that you feel like you need to compete with your husband's female family members. You are his WIFE and that bond is unique. There is no need for you to be jealous.

 

To put this in perspective, let's say you gave your husband a watch for his birthday. How would you feel if your husband insulted your gift and said: "My sister gives her husband a Rolex and takes him away for his birthday. I want that too!" I bet you wouldn't respond well to that; nobody would.

 

On Valentine's Day, my husband gives me roses, a card and we may go out for dinner or stay home. I NEVER compare what he gives me to what other hubbies may give their wives.

I'm not comparing what my H gave me to what other husbands gave their wives. I'm comparing what my H gave me to what he gave other women.

 

My main point about the sister's husband is that he treats her very well, goes all out for her - so it's not like she doesn't have her own man in her life doing that for her.

 

If my husband didn't send any of us flowers, that would be fine.

 

How would you feel if your husband gave you red roses, a card, and took you out to dinner...and also gave his mom and sister red roses, a card, and took them out to a romantic dinner? That's a more accurate comparison.

Edited February 14, 2013 by MissGoLightly

[Nyla]

I'm not comparing what my H gave me to what other husbands gave their wives. I'm comparing what my H gave me to what he gave other women.

 

My main point about the sister's husband is that he treats her very well, goes all out for her - so it's not like she doesn't have her own man in her life doing that for her.

 

If my husband didn't send any of us flowers, that would be fine.

 

How would you feel if your husband gave you red roses, a card, and took you out to dinner...and also gave his mom and sister red roses, a card, and took them out to a romantic dinner? That's a more accurate comparison.

 

You have a right to your feelings. I can only give my opinion and I would suggest you bring up this issue to your husband if it bothers you so much. Tell him to send better flowers to you rather than your MIL and SIL. Be prepared that he may find your attitude off putting. I hope that you get what you want out of the discussion. Your husband cannot know what you need unless you tell him.

 

I would be fine with my husband doing the same for me that he did for his mother and sister. It wouldn't mean that he loves me any less. I'm not one for scorekeeping what my husband does for his family compared to what he does for me. I don't see why it has to be the best flowers for you or nothing for anyone...that is not a flexible way of thinking. Marriage is about compromise and that includes respecting family traditions. Your husband has had this tradition with his family before he was with you. I don't think he should be expected to do away with it because it makes you feel insecure.

 

You mentioned that your SIL's husband goes all out for her and your husband sends flowers when your SIL has a romantic hubby already. It sounds like you are jealous that your sister in-law gets a lot of attention that you would want on Valentine's Day. By all means, tell your husband that you think it is unacceptable that he sends a huge bouquet to his sister when she gets jewels and trips from her hubby.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Nyla

[MJTig]

Honestly I don't blame you. It's not what he gives you but it seems as though he is implying in some way through his choices that his sister (just..weird) and his mom deserve more outlandish gifts. That he worked for them but doesn;t want to work for you.

 

This is why I hate Vday, but... I do feel the issue.

 

Does he cater to your MIL and SIL more in other ways? Discount you in favor of them? Just curious.

[MissGoLightly]

You have a right to your feelings. I can only give my opinion and I would suggest you bring up this issue to your husband if it bothers you so much. Tell him to send better flowers to you rather than your MIL and SIL. Be prepared that he may find your attitude off putting. I hope that you get what you want out of the discussion. Your husband cannot know what you need unless you tell him.

 

I would be fine with my husband doing the same for me that he did for his mother and sister. It wouldn't mean that he loves me any less. I'm not one for scorekeeping what my husband does for his family compared to what he does for me. I don't see why it has to be the best flowers for you or nothing for anyone...that is not a flexible way of thinking. Marriage is about compromise and that includes respecting family traditions. Your husband has had this tradition with his family before he was with you. I don't think he should be expected to do away with it because it makes you feel insecure.

 

You mentioned that your SIL's husband goes all out for her and your husband sends flowers when your SIL has a romantic hubby already. It sounds like you are jealous that your sister in-law gets a lot of attention that you would want on Valentine's Day. By all means, tell your husband that you think it is unacceptable that he sends a huge bouquet to his sister when she gets jewels and trips from her hubby.

Just to clarify, H never sent his mom or sister anything until last year, so it wasn't a tradition long before I came along, or even shortly before I came along. Valentine's Day is a romantic holiday. I think it would be difficult to reasonably argue otherwise. There's nothing wrong with doing nothing for Valentine's Day. I wouldn't have a problem with that. However, I don't think it's unreasonable, if we are celebrating Valentine's Day (a romantic holiday), to want to be treated a bit differently from the other family members. It's not the best flowers for me, or no flowers for anyone. It's send us all flowers, but pick out a card for me also. Or send them flowers, and take me out to dinner. Or something. Because I am his wife, not his mother and not his sister.

 

I don't believe you that you wouldn't have even a twinge of an issue if your husband treated you exactly the same way he treated his sister and mother, Ms Husbands and Wives Have Unique Bonds. Or if he treated them better than he treated you. ;-)

[2sure]

Id be miffed . I think it very sweet of him to send his mom and sister flowers, I would encourage that. I think sending you what he assumes are your favorite is also very sweet.

 

If I were you, I would post FB photos of all three gifts side by side to show the the world how thoughtful he is.

 

And then I would spend the next few days telling anyone who would listen about the rock his sister received .

[veggirl]

a huge opulent bouquet for his sister and mother? I'm sorry but that is hella creepy. Like what is that even about...? :confused: