xxoo Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Yes, absolutely he should treat you with more romance than he treats his mother and sister! Sorry, but that scenario makes me laugh a little I'd go with humor. "Wow, honey, are you trying to get lucky with your sister or what?" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Does he cater to your MIL and SIL more in other ways? Discount you in favor of them? Just curious. Hm, I'd have to think about it. Nothing immediately comes to mind. Id be miffed . . Miffed at me if you were him, or miffed at him if you were me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 a huge opulent bouquet for his sister and mother? I'm sorry but that is hella creepy. Like what is that even about...? :confused: Yes, absolutely he should treat you with more romance than he treats his mother and sister! Sorry, but that scenario makes me laugh a little I'd go with humor. "Wow, honey, are you trying to get lucky with your sister or what?" Glad I'm not the only one that sees it this way.... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Miffed at him. He is being sweet, just needs his skill refined. You dont need to change him, just make him better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Miffed at him. He is being sweet, just needs his skill refined. You dont need to change him, just make him better! Hah, yes!! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I have a feeling that, one day, you and your husband will look back on this as one of the funnier and sweeter memories of your early marriage 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Why does this hurt my feelings? You’re supposedto give your wife flowers for Valentine’s Day. He did what he is “supposed” to do for me – and he went above and beyond for his sister and mom by sending them flowers. It’s so nice and thoughtful of him to send flower sto his sister and mother, but he is treating me exactly the same as he treats them – and I am the one he is supposed to be romantic with, and go above and beyond for. If he did anything else –pick out a card for me, take me out to dinner, cook me dinner for a change, get me another gift, ANYTHING that would differentiate me from his family – I would be fine. But it’s like not only did he not differentiate me from his family in any way, he even sent them both more romantic flowers than he sent me. A dozen pink and white tulips are friendly, not romantic. It's possible he doesn't understand that tulips aren't romantic to you. I personally LOVE tulips, but my husband won't get me flowers unless I beg or get myself flowers. He is a very practical person. Guess what he presented me with this morning? SHOES!!! They are beautiful shoes: black tennis shoes with pink lining. I LOVE them. Now, I'm not a shoe fan. I would rather never wear shoes, but they are necessary to protect one's feet. However, my husband LOVES shoes and has more than I do and for him, getting me shoes is a very loving thing to do! I appreciate it and am right now wearing my Valentine's Day shoes. When I called them my Valentine's Day shoes, he rolled his eyes, cause he thinks Valentine's Day is just a way to get people to buy stuff. He won't let me get him anything, but this evening my "gift" to him is going to the gym and working out hard! Yay!!! (His idea of a good gift is doing something he loves with him.) But, the important thing is he loves me. Also, he even decided to take me to a dinner/dance at our church that will take place tomorrow. That is amazing since he doesn't like dancing. He has come a long way in the 2 years we have known each other! Back to your situation, it's possible that your husband thought the tulips were BEAUTIFUL and wanted you to have them. That reminds me of how my Dad always bought me tulips on Valentine's Day or Easter. He would buy my Mom daisies because she loves daisies, and he would buy my sisters roses because they like roses. I didn't want roses or daisies and he knew that, which is why tulips were for me. Maybe your husband still has a ways to go to get to know you. I would personally like for my husband to get me tulips, but he hasn't today. Maybe I can cajole him into it, but as it is, I am so grateful for the beautiful and comfy shoes and the date tomorrow! Edited February 14, 2013 by BetheButterfly Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 I get what everyone is saying about being grateful. No one has mentioned that their bf or husband has done what mine did an it didn't bother them one but, and they were so grateful. It kind of sucks when his sister gets all these comments like "Wow if that's what he got his sister I can't wait to see what he got his wife." And then their reaction to what he got me is "Oh. That was nice." Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I get what everyone is saying about being grateful. No one has mentioned that their bf or husband has done what mine did an it didn't bother them one but, and they were so grateful. It kind of sucks when his sister gets all these comments like "Wow if that's what he got his sister I can't wait to see what he got his wife." And then their reaction to what he got me is "Oh. That was nice." Yeah, I understand. I hope he learns more who you are and what you consider romantic. My Mom was so mad the first Christmas that she and Dad celebrated together. Sometimes guys are clueless, until they get to know their loved one better. I don't know what happened in the case of your husband, but I hope next Valentine's Day he leaves you breathless with happiness!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I have a feeling that, one day, you and your husband will look back on this as one of the funnier and sweeter memories of your early marriage That's how my parents look back on their first Christmas, which was a "disaster" in some ways. They think it's funny now. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Just to clarify, H never sent his mom or sister anything until last year, so it wasn't a tradition long before I came along, or even shortly before I came along. Valentine's Day is a romantic holiday. I think it would be difficult to reasonably argue otherwise. There's nothing wrong with doing nothing for Valentine's Day. I wouldn't have a problem with that. However, I don't think it's unreasonable, if we are celebrating Valentine's Day (a romantic holiday), to want to be treated a bit differently from the other family members. It's not the best flowers for me, or no flowers for anyone. It's send us all flowers, but pick out a card for me also. Or send them flowers, and take me out to dinner. Or something. Because I am his wife, not his mother and not his sister. I don't believe you that you wouldn't have even a twinge of an issue if your husband treated you exactly the same way he treated his sister and mother, Ms Husbands and Wives Have Unique Bonds. Or if he treated them better than he treated you. ;-) The question was not if a hypothetical mother and sister were treated better. It would be if they were treated the same as in terms of gifts. Opinions that are different than yours are not automatically lies and there is no reason for me to be dishonest about how I would feel in your position. I wouldn't like it if my husband treated his family members better than me, but that is not what your original question was. Even though Valentine's Day is a romantic holiday, I still received presents from my parents growing up. My younger brother gives his daughters a rose on Valentine's Day. It is fine for people who love each other to exchange gifts, even if that love is not romantic. Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? If so, I hope that he can see where you are coming from and you can get what you need. He should listen to what you have to say and take your feelings into consideration, whether he agrees with your feelings or not. My husband's family is very reserved. They don't even say "I love you" much less exchange Valentine gifts. My husband's birthday is today and he still acknowledges that it is also Valentine's Day. I was expecting the usual flowers and card, but he also bought me a DVD of a movie I missed in the theaters. The DVD was a thoughtful surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Listen, I think you should just talk to him. Don't get accusatory or over emotional. Don't make silly hints or act passive aggressive. Just spell it out. Some guys aren't too bright in that department and need things spelled out. Just say something like, "Hey, I know V-day is more of a 'woman's thing' and not such a big deal to guys. But I find it romantic and it would be nice if you humored me a little on days like this? It kind of hurts my feelings when mom/sister get a more elaborate present than I do....make the whole silly day seem less special and less romantic. Is there any way you can maybe add some chocolates or a nice romantic dinner to my present next year? I'm not asking for you to spend a ton of money or anything and I really appreciate everything you do, I just want to feel a little special now and again. And if there is anything I can do to make you feel as equally special, please let me know!" As long as you don't get all weepy or accusatory, I think most men would be open to that! Just try to make a very positive conversation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Janesays is right. My husband responds much better to my requests if I am calm and sweet when I communicate my needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Exactly, Nyla. Just be sweet and nice and not only is he more likely to go out of his way, but he'll be HAPPY to go out of his way for you. You want him walking away from this thinking, "My wife is such a sweet heart and I acted like a bonehead and hurt her feelings...next year, I'll plan something sooooo much better." Just be careful to make it about you wanting to feel 'super special' for a day and not about you wanting attention from others or for him to shower you with expensive gifts. Guys tend to get scowling about things like that. Also, make sure he knows that you want and plan to do things to make HIM feel special as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Getting someone you're not romantic with a single rose is really not the same thing as getting someone you're not romantic with an expensive, extravagant bouquet. Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Is he home from work yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Mitchell you're adorable! If my husband surprises me ill report back :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Listen, I think you should just talk to him. Don't get accusatory or over emotional. Don't make silly hints or act passive aggressive. Just spell it out. Some guys aren't too bright in that department and need things spelled out. Just say something like, "Hey, I know V-day is more of a 'woman's thing' and not such a big deal to guys. But I find it romantic and it would be nice if you humored me a little on days like this? It kind of hurts my feelings when mom/sister get a more elaborate present than I do....make the whole silly day seem less special and less romantic. Is there any way you can maybe add some chocolates or a nice romantic dinner to my present next year? I'm not asking for you to spend a ton of money or anything and I really appreciate everything you do, I just want to feel a little special now and again. And if there is anything I can do to make you feel as equally special, please let me know!" As long as you don't get all weepy or accusatory, I think most men would be open to that! Just try to make a very positive conversation. This is very practical advice, but it depends on the husband. Some guys get crushed more easily than others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I go with humor, because my guy receives it the best. How about, "When I asked you to get your sister and me different flowers, I should have specified to get ME the BETTER ones!" with a big goofy smile 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) This is very practical advice, but it depends on the husband. Some guys get crushed more easily than others. I go with humor, because my guy receives it the best. How about, "When I asked you to get your sister and me different flowers, I should have specified to get ME the BETTER ones!" with a big goofy smile Yeah, I definitely can't say anything, no matter how nicely, to my husband about this. I will probably just drop heavy hints next year. This year, I am going to make him rub my feet and calves. And then I am going to brag to my SIL about it :-D Mostly I just needed to talk it out. Thanks for all the support everyone Edited February 14, 2013 by MissGoLightly Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissGoLightly Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 No surprises mitchell, and he's coming home late from work to get drinks with friends, so dinner is postponed. Ah well! Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Aww, sorry Miss. I can see how you would be disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I would be majorly butthurt. He sounds like a dummy. [in the man way that most of our guys are] Since you can't do anything about it THIS year [unless you want a fight to happen about it] I really recommend next year before the holiday comes around, explain yourself calmly and let him know how much the day means to you, and how last year you felt as if you came after his mom and sister. Don't be attacking, just let him know, and if he doesn't get the hint THEN... then you should say something. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Yeah, I definitely can't say anything, no matter how nicely, to my husband about this. I will probably just drop heavy hints next year. This year, I am going to make him rub my feet and calves. And then I am going to brag to my SIL about it :-D Mostly I just needed to talk it out. Thanks for all the support everyone Why can't you say anything about this issue to your husband? He cannot read your mind and you will never get what you want out of life if you are too afraid to state your wishes. If you want something, you have to ask for it. Married couples should be able to be open and honest with each other, as long as the discussions are respectful. If you cannot even talk about this problem with your husband, it signals communication difficulties. The fact that you need to brag to your SIL, confirms that the heart of your issue is insecurity and feeling like you have to compete with your SIL. You can deny it, but the jealousy is obvious. Instead of comparing what you get from your husband to what your sister-in-law gets from hers, you may want to work on having an open dialogue with your husband. Remember that you can only see a small part of your SIL's marriage. Sometimes a marriage may seem so romantic and successful from the outside, but the couple can have serious private struggles. My BIL's wife once rubbed it in about the fact that she and her husband own while my hubby and I rent. Nevermind that they live in a much cheaper part of the country and houses here cost more than double what they would pay. I used to be so envious of them, until I saw that my BIL screams at his wife so much that she weeps with shame. We may not live in a house, but at least we are happy and my husband speaks to me with kindness. My husband would NEVER start an argument with me in front of anyone else. That is worth ten houses to me. Try to cultivate gratitude. You will find that you will be happier when you think about what you are blessed with, rather than what others have that you do not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Listen, I think you should just talk to him. Don't get accusatory or over emotional. Don't make silly hints or act passive aggressive. Just spell it out. Some guys aren't too bright in that department and need things spelled out. Just say something like, "Hey, I know V-day is more of a 'woman's thing' and not such a big deal to guys. But I find it romantic and it would be nice if you humored me a little on days like this? It kind of hurts my feelings when mom/sister get a more elaborate present than I do....make the whole silly day seem less special and less romantic. Is there any way you can maybe add some chocolates or a nice romantic dinner to my present next year? I'm not asking for you to spend a ton of money or anything and I really appreciate everything you do, I just want to feel a little special now and again. And if there is anything I can do to make you feel as equally special, please let me know!" As long as you don't get all weepy or accusatory, I think most men would be open to that! Just try to make a very positive conversation. Amazing advice! Sometimes us women need to spell things out for men. I have learned full on that men don't understand women so well some times. Link to post Share on other sites
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