Valentine's Day Heartbreak

[Leo the Homely Lion]

I'm brand new to this forum. But I ain't brand new -- I'm middle-aged, childless, and married to a nearly perfect woman, except for us not having sex in many years, which is weird enough, but maybe odder in that for reasons I don't understand I just don't want to, with her. She's a great partner and my great friend. I doubt now, because of today, I will ever leave her. No, I'm not gay; never had a gay dalliance or whatever; nor is she; so it's not that.

 

Still I've been true to my wife (who's been absolutely loyal to me, in every respect), with one life-altering exception. And yes, sometimes I feel guilty. My wife doesn't know and hopefully never will. Our marriage has not suffered because of this affair, in ways that are readily identifiable, at least. But I also feel guilty because today I know no good came out of my long affair. It was all wasted time with my other special someone, who never let us gain traction because of her ceaseless disbelief, about anything, especially that I was in a sexless marriage.

 

Almost five years ago, I met my special someone (I don't care for his "OW" vernacular but will try to use it) who was married but separated at the time, and the attraction was instant and mutual. Literally, the first few minutes.

 

What was to be just a one-time get-together turned into an almost five year affair -- I fell in love for maybe the third or fourth time in my life -- which ended today with her heartbreaking revelation that she's been seeing other(s). And now she hates me. I'm really not sure for what. Because what she says I did or am, I didn't really do and am not.

 

So many ups and downs and twists and turns to our story, including my out of state "best" friend and her hitting on each other right in front of me the last two times they saw each other in my presence (a year and a half apart).

 

The second time, which happened in the fairly recent past, I'd actually been to her town to respectfully end our affair, but it didn't take. It was the most romantic day of my life. The next day I put a stop to my "best" friend hitting on her again in the bar, with her reciprocating his flirtation but not nearly as much.

 

Unfortunately, unintended consequences, my intercession culminated moments later with his announcement to an entire bar that she and I were having an affair. Why? He'd actually told me that he counted on me breaking up with her and had decided to stay another night in town to have sex with her, post-me! Wtf? Basically if he couldn't have her, nobody could, is what the dynamic was, I think. I will never talk to him again, of course.

 

I was totally mortified. I sooooo wanted to beat him up but there were nothing but witnesses and if he'd do this, he'd also press charges. And my lady, the other woman, was as humiliated. Though she thinks she was the only real victim there. I felt so bad. And we have not been able to recover, despite everything I could think of to do to show her how bad I felt. Letters, small gifts, many many many words, all falling on deaf ears. I couldn't unring that ugly bell. I don't blame her for spurning my words. It was traumatic and painful.

 

But I think neither that event, nor her heart-crushing revelation today that she's been sleeping with another, is actually the thing that ended us.

 

What ended us, I think, was her not believing me that I was not having sex with my wife or others, perhaps because of the way we'd met. And then that spawned into her inability to believe a single word I said. She really did claim she didn't believe me on anything; despite absolutely no single lie she could ever name when I challenged her to do so -- so so so bizarre. You guys will just have to believe me on that one.

 

There's too much to our story to summarize here. But she ended up attacking me with no kidding a thousand wrongful accusations over the years, none of them true. For some reason I kept hanging on. Not because of any inability of me -- pardon what must seem like arrogance; it's just true -- to have just about any seeking-woman I wanted, within certain age limitations. But because I loved her. Truth be told, I still do. She's a remarkable woman.

 

It ended today with her finally admitting to me that she is "dating" someone else, despite her many assurances to the contrary over my very strong hunches that this had been going on for some time. Indeed, despite one other time when called me out of the blue to tell me she'd slept with a man she didn't know -- in the first minute she was left alone with him, something that she claimed to have done for the first time in her life. I'll say that she's within five years of my age, so I don't think someone suddenly does that for the first time at that age. But she said she was drunk and I forgave her. But I told her I could forgive her only once.

 

The second shoe, to my knowledge, dropped today. So we are done.

 

But my question is, has anybody heard of a totally sexless marriage? I can't hardly believe it myself. Don't blame my ex-OW for not believing it. But how alone am I in this reality? Also has anyone here been accused of lying all the time, despite the lack of any (even possible) proof of even one bona fide lie? So frustrating.

 

Wow. It's over. What timing. At least she finally told me the truth. But I'm crushed by it. And the finality.

[pteromom]

 

But my question is, has anybody heard of a totally sexless marriage? I can't hardly believe it myself. Don't blame my ex-OW for not believing it.

 

Of course there are totally sexless marriages.

 

BUT - can you blame your OW for not believing anything you said? I mean your ENTIRE relationship is based on you lying to your wife, so your OW would be a fool to believe you are a man who is incapable of lying.

 

I don't know why that's so difficult to fathom.

 

On top of that, your OW herself is a liar. She's cheating on her hubby too, and apparently cheating on you as well. So yes, liars typically assume that other people are lying as well.

[ThatJustHappened]

Where does your wife factor into all of this?

[LFH]

Where does your wife factor into all of this?

 

She doesn't?

[ThatJustHappened]

She doesn't?

 

She should.

[awkward]

Why didn't you just have your wife confirm to your OW that you and she are in a sexless marriage?

 

Even the childless, sexless MM doesn't leave. This is just bizarre to me.

Edited February 15, 2013 by awkward

[Leo the Homely Lion]

Thanks for your replies. I'll try to briefly respond in order.

 

Pteromom -- it's not that she should believe I'm "incapable of a lie". Nobody on this earth is that. And I think it goes to far to essentially say that because I have not told my wife about my affair that I'm therefore "a liar". People can and do tell lies everyday but remain otherwise far and away mostly truthful. The analogy's not perfect, but it might be like someone who tells a crucial whopper of a lie on his resume, is hired because of that claim, but then goes performs honorably and truthfully at his job. His hiring was based on a lie; but that does not make him "a liar" which implies he's incapable of telling the truth. This isn't rationalization, though I concede that seems a bit defensive of me, only because I can sense some lowgrade anger in some of the responses here. The fact is I was truthful to my OW in every respect, from Day One. My wife has not asked me about it, I've never said anything about it, but I again concede that does not make me a liar by omission to her. Still, I am a very truthful person. I loathe lies, which doubtlessly fuels some of the guilt I feel over what I've done. I do agree with your comment that liars assume other people are lying. I mean my OW honestly believed I was lying about everything. Not just doubting that I was, as you said, "incapable of a lie" -- she disbelieved EVERYTHING. You think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. She believed nothing. And I came to believe that was her projection. So I think you make an excellent point.

 

Thatjusthappened. I'm not sure what you mean specifically by my wife should have "factored" into this. Do you mean that, you know, affairs shouldn't happen? That it was "wrong" to be in an affair in the first place, that such should never occur, that it's anathema to many things? I realize that. I don't think there'd be any affairs if the spouse "factored" in. So it seems like a question that by definition is answered. I didn't want to be in an affair. I broke it off after our first tryst because I freaked out realizing I was in an affair. But I did fall in love.

 

awkward. You sound a little edgy there. Yes it is bizarre. But I may well have left, had my OW not constantly attacked me with TOTALLY wrongful allegations of the most sordid kind, remorselessly so. I may well have left my marriage early on with my OW, but the accusations only increased to the point I only realized lately that I was actually being "abused." I reacted with very angry words in defense, but they were too truthful. Again, I can't stress this enough, I never told her a bona fide lie and she could never name even one. I kept thinking she'd snap out of these attacks, that she was playing a weird game that would run its course. She never did. But I love(d) her anyway -- which is probably the real question. Why did I? Why am I devastated right now? She lied to me, abused me, and cheated on me. Do I regret just the time and effort, wasted? I don't think so. I regret the loss of her.

 

Thank you again for your replies.

[Journee]

She doesn't?

 

True.

 

It was about OP and his AP. What they wanted and desired trumped any marital commitments. Apparently even trumped OWs commitment to the OP.

 

OP, I am curious as to why your marriage lacks sexual intimacy. If you don't mind sharing. I know it is painful to not connect with someone you love in that way. I'm sure it took a massive toll on your marriage. I know this is probably premature but if your marriage remains sexless another affair could be unavoidable if you do not have a plan of action. Unless you don't mind that possibility.

 

As far as the OW in your case. Her being flirtatious with your close friend had to have signaled something for you. Also her constant doubting of your sexual activities can several things. She may honestly be from the club of "If he will cheat with you , he will cheat on you." Valid to many. Or...she may be using this as a reason to not fully invest in your relationship with you. To protect her heart from the fact you are not leaving your wife....or...because she wants to keep her options open.

 

If you and your wife are not being intimate for years and there are no children , why not divorce and pursue the kind of relationship you desire? Let your wife find someone else as well. Five years of being unfaithful not just sexually but falling inlove , is cruel.

You both can have what you want out of your life. Maybe AP would stop seeing other men if she knew you would be in an authentic relationship with her.

 

Good luck

.

[sweet_pea]

Why are you still married if you're in a sexless marriage and love the OW?

[Leo the Homely Lion]

Journee -- I'll respond more later, but what does Op and Ap stand for???

 

Sweetpea -- My wife and I were engaged for many years. All pending my lack of enthusiasm for getting married. But she is a great person, nobody has anything but great things to say about her, she deeply loves me, and one day I just decided that I owed her. So I said let's do it. And we did it. The only thing I regret about that decision is the total lack of sex. That is my only complaint. And the weird thing is, she is beautiful. Inside and out. Very responsible, steady, dependable. I almost wish she'd have an affair so we could call it off. I will never "try" to hurt her. I'm really a mess, ain't I? I just dont understand why this came to be. But I do know I deeply fell in love with my ex-special person. Why I did that, especially the way she mal-treated me, I don't understand either. Either why she abused me or why I kept hangine in there. (Btw, I realize "abuse" is a loaded, catchall phrase. But she really did, even once by her admission. Weird thing is, it took me forever to realize I was in an abusive relationship. And I'm not the type of guy you would think could fall into that cycle. But I did, and it shames me to admit it.)

[dreamingoftigers]

What confuses the heck out of Me is this season of MM wanting their OW to be faithful whole they themselves are cheating on their wives.

 

And as for your wife not asking anything about the A, and therefore you are not a "liar by omission." say what? That's backwards!

 

Your wife doesn't know something about something that isn't supposed to be happening that you claim hasn't affected your marriage, yet she has not asked about it? So therefore you get some kind of ticket to expect a faithful OW?

 

What in the Valentine's Fu*k?

 

And honestly, EVERY time I hear how a man doesn't want to sleep with his partner it directly follows that they've been sticking it in someone else, "but it doesn't affect anyone."

 

It DOES. physiological, psychologically, maritally, emotionally and spiritually. Who you screw affects your marriage. The effort you put into it (or don't) directly affects it.

 

Usually when a woman has not slept with a man in a looonnngg time there is either: a physiological problem that should be addressed, resentment has built up to a high point (should be addressed), she is no longer attracted to him

(should be addressed), She's sleeping with someone else (well in this case who cares), or she's had sexual abuse in her background.

 

The fact the sirens don't go off in your head over the fact that tour marriage is sexless and choose to deal with it by nailing an OW for FIVE YEARS without thinking it affects you quality of honesty, your reputation/character or your marriage is as disconnected as Enron.

 

If by chance you were looking for a sign, here it is:

 

GET SOME INDEPENDENT COUNSELING AND TAKE A COURSE IN CRITICAL THINKING.

[whichwayisup]

What ended us, I think, was her not believing me that I was not having sex with my wife or others, perhaps because of the way we'd met

 

Probably because she was sleeping with other men throughout your 5 year affair, she assumed that you were doing the same thing? That or she's bi polar. I don't know.

 

Sorry you're hurting. I hope you come to peace with this and also make a decision about your marriage. time to talk to your wife and ask her if she is truly happy with you, in a sexless and childless marriage and if that's enough forever. ? Life is short and yes you may love your wife as a friend, as family but it seems you don't love your wife with lots of passion and love like a husband should feel for his wife. She may not feel it for you either, so it seems..

 

Edit to add - AP affair partner. OP other person or original poster. WS wandering spouse, BS betrayed spouse.

[LFH]

Still I've been true to my wife (who's been absolutely loyal to me, in every respect), with one life-altering exception. And yes, sometimes I feel guilty. My wife doesn't know and hopefully never will. Our marriage has not suffered because of this affair, in ways that are readily identifiable, at least. But I also feel guilty because today I know no good came out of my long affair. It was all wasted time with my other special someone, who never let us gain traction because of her ceaseless disbelief, about anything, especially that I was in a sexless marriage.

 

But my question is, has anybody heard of a totally sexless marriage? I can't hardly believe it myself. Don't blame my ex-OW for not believing it. But how alone am I in this reality? Also has anyone here been accused of lying all the time, despite the lack of any (even possible) proof of even one bona fide lie? So frustrating.

 

Wow. It's over. What timing. At least she finally told me the truth. But I'm crushed by it. And the finality.

 

She was being smart in not believing you. Do you know the number of OW on this board who come here truly immersed in the belief that "he's not sleeping with his wife" crap? AND for probably a ton of them, that's exactly what it is. A pretty little line designed to keep the mistress meltdowns and drama to a minimum. Why SHOULD she have believed you? You had showcased to her that you tell lies when you entered into an affair with her. Earning her trust would have been a HUGE leap of faith. If you wanted to play then you shoudl have been willing to jump through any hoop she required of you for that. How do you not understand that?

 

She should.

 

No, she SHOULD have factored in nearly 5 years ago and didn't obviously. I just don't get it.

 

"She's perfect except we don't have sex?" Well why the hell not? Why did you think was going to happen your marriage was gonna stay all hunkey dorey while you neglected the physical aspect of it?

 

Who decided that you aren't having sex anymore and why?

 

If you were such great friends and are so perfect together, why did the sex stop? And if you weren't interested in staying FULLY invested in your marriage, why didn't you split amicably?

[sweet_pea]

My question is not why you married, but why you are STILL married? As in: Why not get a divorce? Doesn't she deserve a faithful, loving husband? If you're unhappy, and want your own happiness, why are you still with her? You don't have any children... I don't get it.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

I do appreciate everyone's responses. And I'll address them after I eat some supper. But I must say I'm struck by the somewhat uniform hostility in tone. What produces that?

[ComingInHot]

LeoHomely;

 

I am going to ask...

 

So you say your W is your bestie. Great communication. She terrif! Yet zero sex. Ziltch. Notta. Nothing. But you are both still So happy w/each other..., right?

 

Have you two talked about this whole no sex thing & how you're not into it w/her but would like to get your itch scratched elsewhere?

 

If you were finally honest w/her, you may be surprised that she feels she same way.

If the dialogue were open honest & respectful maybe you could be the couple that has an open M.

 

Do you have any qualms (sp?) About doing this?

[LFH]

I do appreciate everyone's responses. And I'll address them after I eat some supper. But I must say I'm struck by the somewhat uniform hostility in tone. What produces that?

 

Well I'm not all that hostile I was hungry when I wrote my post. ;)Hunger usually makes me cranky and less careful with my words.

 

I have heard of sexless marriages. I actually meant to include this part in my response but dinner won over a long post.

 

I think I explained why she assumed you were sleeping with your wife. Because it's not the safest avenue to believe that you aren't. Married men are... by defintion... liars. Mine doesn't lie to me because I wouldnt' believe a freaking word of it because I know he's a liar. It's much easier for him to be honest and say yes I"m sleeping with my wife, regularly and tonight we're going to the movies after we have dinner with the kids and her parents and I'll call you when we get home than to try and sell me on "oh we haven't slept together in 3 years and I sleep on the couch and we barely speak to one another except when we have to."

No that's... bulll.... crap in MOST cases and I know it would be in his.

 

I know he's honest because in many cases it would have been sooo much easier for him to lie to me and he took the hard road in it because I don't give him a choice. But I digress.

 

Sexless marriages, yes they happen. They're pretty rare. It's why I asked what caused yours and why the two of you didn't continue what sounds like a GREAT relationship as friends and part ways as partners, or work to try and recapture that passion? That makes no sense to me.

 

As far as why I said your wife should have factored in 5 years... it's because she should have. Just because I'm in love with someone who cheats on his wife doesn't mean I think he's making a good choice. Cheating IS wrong. I'd not do it to someone I professed to love. It's not a secret that I think his wife is a crazy, lunatic psycho, but I also think that it's crappy that he has been involved with me for years now behind her back... and not because I want him for myself but because it's childish, spoiled behavior and I'd be prouder of him as a human being if he owned his sh#@. It would just have been the right thing to do. If you really weren't sleeping together you had the option before something else happened to have changed your relationship first.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, that sucks and there was a LOT of drama in that post. Your OW doesn't sound like a very nice person honestly. The behaviors your described do sound... controlling and unhealthy. It's going to take some time to get over it for you. Please take care of yourself, make sure you do eat well, that you do what you need to, some counseling maybe?

 

I am not a proponent of rushing off to confess all to your spouse once it ends to purge your conscience. I just always think you should have thought of it before and not done it... but that's just me.

 

As for the hostility.. you asked where it comes from.

 

That parts easy.

 

It comes from heartbreak.

 

Welcome to LS.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your story to all your friends, family and to your wife, her friends too, even to a room full of strangers - You'll have a mixed reaction, get mixed advice, just like on here. To hope and expect that everybody is on your side, agrees with you and what you're doing is OK is not gonna happen. Basically you said vows to your wife and you are cheating on her. Choosing not to have sex and stay in a sexless marriage is your choice. If you want a sex life then talk to your wife and make things better. Or divorce. Or tell her the truth so maybe she'll want to fix things or maybe have an open marriage.

[promises]

I do appreciate everyone's responses. And I'll address them after I eat some supper. But I must say I'm struck by the somewhat uniform hostility in tone. What produces that?

 

there are a lot of women who were cheated on by their husbands on this forum as well as women who have been promised things by the men who were married that they fell in love with.

 

Overall, there is a lot of back and forth between both sides of women and the men who post here tend to feel it a lot- at least that is my perspective thus far.

 

Interesting to hear your story and thoughts on both your wife and the other woman you loved.

 

I do think the other woman probably just got plain old tired of never being more than a side dish. Even if she wasn't in your mind, she probably felt like that.

 

Sorry you are sad.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

Cominginhot -- dig the name as I used to work at a busy pita stand.

 

No, we never ever talk about the no sex thing. Never. But I know there is no way she'd think it okay for me to get sex elsewhere. I can't explain it but I don't want sex elsewhere but I do want sex. I had never cheated on my wife until I met my special person. I am in exceptional shape, damned good looking, all that jazz. I have had countless opportunities to cheat on my wife and never did until my special person. And despite lots of overtures in the last five years I never cheated on my special person either. So an open marriage is just not in my DNA.

 

We were sexless during much of our long engagement -- and we have not consummated our marriage, long before my special person came along, so there goes dreamungoftiger's otherwise understandable point that my special person had much if anything to do with causing the sexlessness of my otherwise great marriage.

 

(Also, dreamingoftigers, yeah I had a typo on that lying by on omission thing so no wonder you say it's backwards. I mixed up a "can" with a "cannot")

 

Why is everyone automatically in the wife's side here and, to my limited experience here, never on the OW's side? Is it because if the status if the posters, do you think? Or are affairs just inherently and invariably bad? I mean my special woman was mean as a snake but I dug her. And her standing seems to be disparaged here just because of her initials OW.

[ComingInHot]

I'm not on anyone's side... yet*

 

I'm on the side of honesty.

[promises]

 

Why is everyone automatically in the wife's side here and, to my limited experience here, never on the OW's side? Is it because if the status if the posters, do you think? Or are affairs just inherently and invariably bad? I mean my special woman was mean as a snake but I dug her. And her standing seems to be disparaged here just because of her initials OW.

 

Because it's always assumed that the worst person in the affair is the OW.

 

I was the OW. And, I sincerely disagreed with that line of reasoning.

 

But, that's why.

[LFH]

 

Why is everyone automatically in the wife's side here and, to my limited experience here, never on the OW's side? Is it because if the status if the posters, do you think? Or are affairs just inherently and invariably bad? I mean my special woman was mean as a snake but I dug her. And her standing seems to be disparaged here just because of her initials OW.

 

Because it's hard to authentically be "pro-affair" because affairs suck no matter what side you are on and because everyone deserves to know what's going on in their life really.

 

I'm pro-MY affair because I"m really happy with my choices.

If you'd come on here talking about things in a different way maybe I'd have more sympathy for your OW. But I don't... cause honestly, she kinda sounds not very nice.

 

It gives us OW a bad name

 

I think that everyone needs to own their choices. By being a WS (wayward spouse...aka cheating husband) and a MM (married man) you should have expected that she'd expect dishonesty don't you think?

 

As an OW she shouldn't have acted like what sounds like a raging lunatic.

 

The one getting sympathy is your wife because you portrayed her as a really great person, and she's kinda getting screwed don't ya think? (And it sounds like not in the fun way)

[Journee]

I do appreciate everyone's responses. And I'll address them after I eat some supper. But I must say I'm struck by the somewhat uniform hostility in tone. What produces that?

 

Correct me if I read you wrong. It sounds to me like you have never been inlove with your wife. You love her for her loyalty to and dedication to you. I have not seen you mention being inlove with your wife at any point. That explains a lot. You married her because you felt you owed it to her. Not a recipe for a fulfilling marriage. This is probably the root of it all. If you have never been inlove with your W I'm sure the intensity of your affair gave you those inlove feelings. Great sex with passion to boot...your W didn't stand a chance.

 

Affairs suck and hurt all the way around especially when discovered. Lies are abundant and of course you are going to get a wide array of responses. There are posters from all over the world. From all walks of life. This isn't a pro affair forum. You will not find a lot of attaboy's here. Some sounds advice if you are open.

 

Your wife sounds little more than your soft place to land. I surmise if she took a lover you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. As you believe her to be faithful but you cannot give her the same. It is time to reevaluate your marriage. Reevaluate your life.

[promises]

question: So sex was never a big part of your courting with your wife and isn't even part of the marriage equation. You say that your wife is the nicest angel on Earth.

 

So, my guess is your 'special woman' was a lot of opposite from your wife. You needed balance because without the other woman, you'd have to face up to the fact that you desire a bit more in your marriage than the sweetness and loyalty of your wife.

 

Just my initial thoughts....