Is this emotional blackmail or what?

[Ruby]

I am living in a suite in my parents' house downstairs where I have a seperate entrance.

 

The day before yesterday my mother gave me a four hundred dollar cheque as a gift for my good status at university where I am doing my masters.

 

Yesterday she asked me if I was planning to stay in town for Christmas or if I was planning to visit my fiance in Paris where he is going to school. I told her I didn't like Christmas very much over here because people tend to argue more and make such a big commercial deal over the holiday, that I thought I would go away to see my fiance.

 

She got really upset and insulted and thought I had decided to go away because she had given me some money. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with the fact that she had given me money and she could keep the money if she wanted, but she got out of control.

 

She demanded that I instantly give back the money, then began taking out some of the clothes she had given me out of my closet telling me I had two hours to pack and leave.

 

She tried to hit me (I'm 25 years old), swore at me, called me a little slut then cried uncontrollably saying how much I had hurt her.

 

I didn't react to anything, although she continually pushed me to my limits telling me I was a failure in life, a cold selfish person with no feelings for anyone, that I would never amount to anything, and that I was spoiled rotton and if it hadn't been for her help I would never be the person I was today.

 

This scene was so hideous and awful (sorry to go on and on about it but I need to vent my feelings here because I still feel sick inside about this)that I just cried silently afterwards, then made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and checked out some housing adds.

 

When my step-father came home she had calmed down and things were "back to normal" and she said I could still stay, but wanted an apology for what I had said about Christmas. As soon as she said this the tensions came back again between us because I refused to apologize. I left on a bad note last night and stayed over at a friend's place. Haven't seen or spoken to her since, don't know what I should do.

 

Should I take the steps to move out as soon as possible? Is this emotional blackmail on her part? How can I deal with this woman? I am going insane and my insides feel like they are tearing!

[Nic]

Has your mother always acted like this?

 

The way your mother treated you was nothing short of childish. It's obvious who the grown up here is and i wonder if that's what she can't handle. Is your mother one of these people who have always had their own way, and always want their own way?

 

I know that some parents, as their children become adults (especially with an "only child")find it really hard to accept that their little babies will want to do things at their own free will. Some parents are overprotective about their children being able to make their own decisions and not having to always abide by what they say anymore. I think that's really hard for some parents to come to terms with - that they no longer have a say an everything that their children do anymore and that they can't "control" them as such.

 

If i was in your situation, i would move out of home, that's if she's the kind of person who does this regularly and who cannot sit down rationally and talk about this. She has to realise that you can't live by what she wants and that she can't throw temper tantrums when something doesn't go the way she likes it. If Christmas is a special, family orientated occassion for her, she might be upset, but that doesn't justify her actions and putting you down. You are your own person, she cannot control you by acting like a 3 year old, especially when you have done nothing wrong. She's twisted things to try and get her own way and tried to make you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.

 

You will always be her little girl, even when you're 50, but you have to be able to live your own life without being made to feel bad over nothing. She can't bribe you to have her own way. And she needs to realise this and the effect it has on you if she wants to maintain a loving mother-daughter relationship.

I am living in a suite in my parents' house downstairs where I have a seperate entrance. The day before yesterday my mother gave me a four hundred dollar cheque as a gift for my good status at university where I am doing my masters. Yesterday she asked me if I was planning to stay in town for Christmas or if I was planning to visit my fiance in Paris where he is going to school. I told her I didn't like Christmas very much over here because people tend to argue more and make such a big commercial deal over the holiday, that I thought I would go away to see my fiance. She got really upset and insulted and thought I had decided to go away because she had given me some money. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with the fact that she had given me money and she could keep the money if she wanted, but she got out of control. She demanded that I instantly give back the money, then began taking out some of the clothes she had given me out of my closet telling me I had two hours to pack and leave. She tried to hit me (I'm 25 years old), swore at me, called me a little slut then cried uncontrollably saying how much I had hurt her. I didn't react to anything, although she continually pushed me to my limits telling me I was a failure in life, a cold selfish person with no feelings for anyone, that I would never amount to anything, and that I was spoiled rotton and if it hadn't been for her help I would never be the person I was today. This scene was so hideous and awful (sorry to go on and on about it but I need to vent my feelings here because I still feel sick inside about this)that I just cried silently afterwards, then made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and checked out some housing adds. When my step-father came home she had calmed down and things were "back to normal" and she said I could still stay, but wanted an apology for what I had said about Christmas. As soon as she said this the tensions came back again between us because I refused to apologize. I left on a bad note last night and stayed over at a friend's place. Haven't seen or spoken to her since, don't know what I should do. Should I take the steps to move out as soon as possible? Is this emotional blackmail on her part? How can I deal with this woman? I am going insane and my insides feel like they are tearing!

 

[Nic]

did you make the appointment with psychiatrist for yourself or for her? does anyone else live with you and your mum who might be able to help?

 

(and you have nothing to be sorry about either. she asked a question and you gave an honest answer - don't give in for arguments sake - she'll think it's okay to treat you like that when it most certainly is not and will probably do it again).

I am living in a suite in my parents' house downstairs where I have a seperate entrance. The day before yesterday my mother gave me a four hundred dollar cheque as a gift for my good status at university where I am doing my masters. Yesterday she asked me if I was planning to stay in town for Christmas or if I was planning to visit my fiance in Paris where he is going to school. I told her I didn't like Christmas very much over here because people tend to argue more and make such a big commercial deal over the holiday, that I thought I would go away to see my fiance. She got really upset and insulted and thought I had decided to go away because she had given me some money. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with the fact that she had given me money and she could keep the money if she wanted, but she got out of control. She demanded that I instantly give back the money, then began taking out some of the clothes she had given me out of my closet telling me I had two hours to pack and leave. She tried to hit me (I'm 25 years old), swore at me, called me a little slut then cried uncontrollably saying how much I had hurt her. I didn't react to anything, although she continually pushed me to my limits telling me I was a failure in life, a cold selfish person with no feelings for anyone, that I would never amount to anything, and that I was spoiled rotton and if it hadn't been for her help I would never be the person I was today. This scene was so hideous and awful (sorry to go on and on about it but I need to vent my feelings here because I still feel sick inside about this)that I just cried silently afterwards, then made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and checked out some housing adds. When my step-father came home she had calmed down and things were "back to normal" and she said I could still stay, but wanted an apology for what I had said about Christmas. As soon as she said this the tensions came back again between us because I refused to apologize. I left on a bad note last night and stayed over at a friend's place. Haven't seen or spoken to her since, don't know what I should do. Should I take the steps to move out as soon as possible? Is this emotional blackmail on her part? How can I deal with this woman? I am going insane and my insides feel like they are tearing!

 

[Tony T]

It seems she is trying to use money as a means of controlling you. It would have been better had you not said anything negative about Christmas and arguments where you are. You should have just told her you were really looking forward to seeing your fiance.

 

You could try to smoothe this over if this is only an isolated incident. However, if you have been having a lot of problems with your mother getting upset about your decisions, then it's time to move away.

 

The best way to deal with her is kindly. Watch closely what you say and the way you say it. She is obviously sensitive. If I were you, I wouldn't accept money from her anymore if she is using it to control you.

 

It would be in your best interests to get on your own as soon as it's practical for you to do so. It sounds like your mother is going through somewhat of an irrational period and you don't really need to be around that.

[Deejette]

You should move out because while you are under her roof, she obviously thinks you can be bought. Because she gave you money she expects that you will conform to her ideas of how you should behave and what you should do, in return.

 

Going overboard and telling you that you have been a big failure in life at 24 is not a supportive, loving thing for a parent to say to a kid. But she feels rejected by you and wants to hurt you deeply so you will come to her, apologize, tell her she is right, you are wrong, and that you will try to not upset her ever again.

 

This will be difficult for you, as I can see you like to "tell it like it is." You will feel freer and happier on your own, even if you have to move into a tiny flat to begin with.

I am living in a suite in my parents' house downstairs where I have a seperate entrance. The day before yesterday my mother gave me a four hundred dollar cheque as a gift for my good status at university where I am doing my masters. Yesterday she asked me if I was planning to stay in town for Christmas or if I was planning to visit my fiance in Paris where he is going to school. I told her I didn't like Christmas very much over here because people tend to argue more and make such a big commercial deal over the holiday, that I thought I would go away to see my fiance. She got really upset and insulted and thought I had decided to go away because she had given me some money. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with the fact that she had given me money and she could keep the money if she wanted, but she got out of control. She demanded that I instantly give back the money, then began taking out some of the clothes she had given me out of my closet telling me I had two hours to pack and leave. She tried to hit me (I'm 25 years old), swore at me, called me a little slut then cried uncontrollably saying how much I had hurt her. I didn't react to anything, although she continually pushed me to my limits telling me I was a failure in life, a cold selfish person with no feelings for anyone, that I would never amount to anything, and that I was spoiled rotton and if it hadn't been for her help I would never be the person I was today. This scene was so hideous and awful (sorry to go on and on about it but I need to vent my feelings here because I still feel sick inside about this)that I just cried silently afterwards, then made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and checked out some housing adds. When my step-father came home she had calmed down and things were "back to normal" and she said I could still stay, but wanted an apology for what I had said about Christmas. As soon as she said this the tensions came back again between us because I refused to apologize. I left on a bad note last night and stayed over at a friend's place. Haven't seen or spoken to her since, don't know what I should do. Should I take the steps to move out as soon as possible? Is this emotional blackmail on her part? How can I deal with this woman? I am going insane and my insides feel like they are tearing!