freinds or aquitaince

[joel]

ok guys i have something to ask beinga loner my whole life i have few to no firends.

one thing i want to ask is i have 2 freinds or u could say aquitances no sure which one. one of em is jim-met him a computing school the thing is he never phones me- i have phoned him several times but he has never phoned me , expect if i phone him and leave a message with one of his family members when he wasn't home. he also never e mails me i also have to do the initiating.

 

joey i met in business course and also accounting course same thing never phoned me or email me i have to do the initiating. i ask him to go moutnain b with me and if he was interested please phone or e mail me he never did. with both of em if we see each other in halls or cafertia we chat up and i think it seems quite freindly. jim seems to be really quite he is asian like me too. with both of em they don't always answer my e mail either for example i email once then they reply i e mail again for the converation to flow and then they reply again then i e mail again and then they might or might not and yes most of the time they won;t reply after the third or fouth replay again-now what is with that

 

what i am askin is are these 2 ppl really my friends or just plain aquitances u just chat up with. how can i tell. maybe their lack of emailing me or phone calling me is a nicer way of saying "get lost"

[uriel]

Joel,

 

They're acquaintances for now -- what I call potential friends. They'd be friends if they showed more mutual interest (writing and phoning you back and initiating contact) and you actually spent some time getting to know one another and doing things outside of school.

 

It's hard to say whether these guys are just being polite and don't want to be friends or whether they are neglecting to return invitations, etc. because they are otherwise busy. Why not try asking one in person if he'd like to mountain bike for a particular day / time. If he says he's busy that day / time, I'd drop it with, "Maybe some other time," but I wouldn't ask again. If he really likes the idea, he can get back to you with an opportunity.

 

Don't feel awkward about this. Even more socially adept / extroverted people go through such tests when they are interested in making a new friend. Keep putting out feelers till you find someone who's reciprocating.

 

-- uriel

[joel]

not sure been a loner my whole life and it suxs.

 

not sure but maybe when i ask em to go mountain b or catch a movie maybe they think i am hitting on em-like i want em to be my gay buddy or something and i am not gay just wanting freinds.

when i like someone as freinds or even relationship wise i always try to hang out and talk with em and nobody else-stick to my comfort zones which i have to get rid of.

throughout my life i had so many aquatances from school and all but no to very very very few friends or at all.

ppl have said i ask too many question but how else are u suppose to make converations without asking questions. and what do u say to ppl to make em like u or when to say it

 

 

Originally posted by uriel

Joel,

 

They're acquaintances for now -- what I call potential friends. They'd be friends if they showed more mutual interest (writing and phoning you back and initiating contact) and you actually spent some time getting to know one another and doing things outside of school.

 

It's hard to say whether these guys are just being polite and don't want to be friends or whether they are neglecting to return invitations, etc. because they are otherwise busy. Why not try asking one in person if he'd like to mountain bike for a particular day / time. If he says he's busy that day / time, I'd drop it with, "Maybe some other time," but I wouldn't ask again. If he really likes the idea, he can get back to you with an opportunity.

 

Don't feel awkward about this. Even more socially adept / extroverted people go through such tests when they are interested in making a new friend. Keep putting out feelers till you find someone who's reciprocating.

 

-- uriel

[uriel]

I doubt they think you want to be a gay buddy . To improve your social skills, watch how very socially successful people with your same basic personality type interact and model some of their behaviors. I say with your same basic personality type because you don't want to try to behave in ways that are alien or uncomfortable. You just want to enhance who you already are.

 

Nothing wrong with asking some questions -- that shows interest. You just want to balance that with some statements about you or other topics so that the other person gets to know you too and has some breathing room in the conversation.

 

-- uriel

[Jutty]

I live a life that is similar to yours Joel. I have 28 and live on my own about two hours from home. I enjoy life but my life is very lonely. I have a full time job, where i work 4 days a week. My job is like my only really social life. But i don't have any real friends at work. outside of work i'm mostly by myself. i never see co-workers outside of work. I never have friends calling me. the only people that ever call are either my mom or my sister, my friend Tricia happened to call me last night, that was a first, cause i hadn't called her first. i think of her as a best friend, but she has a bf and its been a month and half since i saw her last. I wish i had someone who is close to get and kept in frequent contact with me.

[blue17]

These guys you mentioned are acquiantances in my eyes. I had an almost same situation....i had this guy i met in marketing class, we exchanged numbers and i would always leave it up to him to call. For example, I would say "give me a call if you're playing poker" or something like that. He would never call. After the 1st couple times I would sort of chalk it up to him actually being busy or whatever, but after 3-4 times i sort of got the idea he didn't wanna hang out outside of school. I realized it wasn't worth my time, so I stopped trying to set up things and call him to do something. After a while, he started calling me occasionally to hang out or do whatever...so it sort of turned into a casual friendship. Maybe your acquaintance feels you are bothering him too much. Just stop contacting him for a while, and see if he replies. Then you will know whether he wants to be friends, or just acquaintances.

 

You mentioned that ppl say you ask too many questions. Asking questions can be a good thing, but if you are just asking one after the other, it gets boring really fast.

 

As an example I was having a convo with a friend of mine today...

 

Me: "So what's your schedule for school this year?"

Him: "I got class monday at blah blah, and wednesday blah blah."

Me: "So you got Tuesday, Thursday and Friday off?"

Him: "Yeah."

Me: "Nice only 2 days a week, so you gonna work the other days?"

Him: "Ya i'll prolly work thursday to saturday, but i'll take saturday afternoons off cuz we have soccer."

Me: "You got a job now?"

Him: "Not right now...but I need one."

Me(turning point in the conversation): "Ya I'll prolly get a job this semester too. I could prolly get a job at Office Depot but its kinda far away."

Him: "Ya I know, it's hard to find a good job close to home, all the good ones are on the west side."

 

etc continue conversation....

 

You see how the conversation went from 20 questions to a 2 way conversation? You can either relate something they say to you, or just make a comment about it so you can both discuss it.

 

If instead of making the comment, I asked another question.....it just keeps going into the cycle of me asking questions and him answering. At some point you have to listen to what they are saying, and make a comment about it instead of immediately asking a question. Hope this helps.

[joel]

the thing is after a while when i never pjhone or email they never phone or e mail me i have to always have to be the intiator. i might as meet and chat up with more ppl. like i said a lot of acquaitances but no friends have 1 guy-in the beginning we went to movies, malls and all then after that he said belittling me and putting me down so i stop talking to him we knew each other for 2 yrs. i guess i complain too much to him about my parents and how they treat me and getting a job and how hard it is to get one-just too much complaining and then he belittle me.

 

Originally posted by blue17

These guys you mentioned are acquiantances in my eyes. I had an almost same situation....i had this guy i met in marketing class, we exchanged numbers and i would always leave it up to him to call. For example, I would say "give me a call if you're playing poker" or something like that. He would never call. After the 1st couple times I would sort of chalk it up to him actually being busy or whatever, but after 3-4 times i sort of got the idea he didn't wanna hang out outside of school. I realized it wasn't worth my time, so I stopped trying to set up things and call him to do something. After a while, he started calling me occasionally to hang out or do whatever...so it sort of turned into a casual friendship. Maybe your acquaintance feels you are bothering him too much. Just stop contacting him for a while, and see if he replies. Then you will know whether he wants to be friends, or just acquaintances.

 

You mentioned that ppl say you ask too many questions. Asking questions can be a good thing, but if you are just asking one after the other, it gets boring really fast.

 

As an example I was having a convo with a friend of mine today...

 

Me: "So what's your schedule for school this year?"

Him: "I got class monday at blah blah, and wednesday blah blah."

Me: "So you got Tuesday, Thursday and Friday off?"

Him: "Yeah."

Me: "Nice only 2 days a week, so you gonna work the other days?"

Him: "Ya i'll prolly work thursday to saturday, but i'll take saturday afternoons off cuz we have soccer."

Me: "You got a job now?"

Him: "Not right now...but I need one."

Me(turning point in the conversation): "Ya I'll prolly get a job this semester too. I could prolly get a job at Office Depot but its kinda far away."

Him: "Ya I know, it's hard to find a good job close to home, all the good ones are on the west side."

 

etc continue conversation....

 

You see how the conversation went from 20 questions to a 2 way conversation? You can either relate something they say to you, or just make a comment about it so you can both discuss it.

 

If instead of making the comment, I asked another question.....it just keeps going into the cycle of me asking questions and him answering. At some point you have to listen to what they are saying, and make a comment about it instead of immediately asking a question. Hope this helps.

[uriel]

Well, some people want to be just good time friends -- have others they can do things with that are fun. While, others are interested in a more intimate, emotionally grounded friendship that involves talking over problems etc.

 

The guy you thought was your intimate friend for 2 years was really only a good time friend. He got frustrated that you were ruining his good time by complaining, so he tried to shut you down by belittling you. That was a mean, immature way of addressing the problem he was having. No call for it. But I tell you this so you can understand there's nothing wrong with you. You just thought he was a more serious friend than he actually was. Guy like that might not even be capable of that level of connection.

 

Best thing to do is to test people as you get to know them. Let them reciprocate too. That includes mutual 1) calling / initiating of contact, 2) asking to do things together, 3) asking of questions in conversation, 4) sharing of life history / feelings.

 

Of course, the other part of this is that no one wants to be around someone who is super insecure and negative. A little of that goes a long way. Work to be happy and active -- that wil enhance your desirability as a friend, too.

 

-- uriel

 

ps As one friendship less, reread the exchanges you've had with people in this conversation. When they try to help you, how do you respond? Do you thank them? Do you explain how specific things they've said are helpful? Are you emotionally supporting them and trying to make them feel good? Or, do you respond with more self-pity, complaint, and questions only? I say this not to chastise you. I want you to feel our sympathy and desire to support you. This is about helping YOU. But, consider what you are contributing to relationships, as well as trying to get out of them.

[swedeace]

Originally posted by joel

ok guys i have something to ask beinga loner my whole life i have few to no firends.

Wow, Joel.

 

You sound *so* much like me... only, I am female. I can truly relate with everything you are saying. It seems that in several parts of my life, I've had the same problems. The two most recent I've had this kind of situation was earlier this year and even now somewhat but am no longer putting energy into two with two female co-worker friends. Another would be now that I've been putting a lot of energy into with a newly-initiated male friend who's a student at my job (I work in a computer lab facility).

 

I think with both of our situations, these "friends" are thinking of us as acquiantances. If we keep pushing ourselves onto them, they will think of us as "over-imposing," and that's the worst thing for others to perceive of us.

 

They should come around and want to contact us in form or another, right? Like a birthday celebration? Have you done/celebrated anything with either of them for their birthdays? My male friend's birthday is coming up in ten days and haven't contacted him in one week for a bit of rest, so I have been doing that and will do that all next week so it'll have "been a while" and he'll be happy to see me when I bring up his birthday. I'm still self-debating whether to just email him a wish and keep it low key, buy him a birthday card with a lunch celebration outing (I always do this for people I care about!), or just pretend not to remember his birthday and just let it slide. However, the latter would be very difficult for me because I always like to acknowledge others' birthdays.

 

With that male friend I speak of, I just realized yesterday I am regretting the over-imposing of hangout/contact often. I mean, he doesn't look (in non-verbals) or sounded annoyed, but everyone around me is telling me to let him do some work in contacting whenever he wants so we can do stuff together. It might help with you with your two male friends as well. I totally understand it IS difficult, but if we show off we're acting way too clingy towards them, they'll want to avoid us. I don't think either of us wants that from the people we care a lot about as friends, right? We CAN do this, Joel. It just takes strong willpower. *hugs*