Sevenwndrs Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Hello, I posted a thread a few days ago about my fiance (father of my child) coming home one day and deciding to leave me. It isn't that there were not problems, I just mean it was sudden and unexpected considering just days before that he was still proclaiming his undieing love. Anyways, *he* has been broken up with me for almost 2 weeks now. We still live together because we just bought a house and I am not working etc ... I will get to the point. Before I do, I already know that I should not allow myself to be disrespected or go out of my way to be disrespected, so before you read on know that I am aware that I should not be doing these things in the first place. I am still having sex with him. Even after he has claimed over and over he has no love for me. We have had every night since the night he told me. I suppose as a female I use sex to make me feel better or make me feel I have somewhat of an upperhand in this situation; not so ironically enough, it makes me feel just the opposite. What I do not understand is that he does not fight it at all when I come on to him. Not a bit...I mean a little verbally, like whispering "no". But I always start off really simple like kissing his arm or rubbing his back but he doesnt flinch. Not one thing to stop me. This is the same man who says he is miserable. So is this just a typical male thing? Link to post Share on other sites
painter Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 my two cents is: he wants love but dosent want to feel obligated to return it. i assume you love him? having sex with him is not actually a bad thing, as long as its at YOUR instigation. a bit of physical comfort can keep your stress levels down. feelings don't just cut off with surgical precision even if it looks like it, remember, male children are trained hard not to show their emotions. i do worry that you don't work as it may give him a handle on you or may be the reason he is afraid to feel for you. does he feel that you are just dependent on him for the money and don't actually love him? this may explain why he has tried to cut off emotionally and why a bit of physical affection breaks down parts of his barriers. also, having a child may frighten the s$%t out of him and he may want to back out now before he is too obligated to stay. my husband did all this to me except the kid thing as we don't have any. did he have a history of abuse as a child (not necessarily physical but almost definitely emotional) how does he relate to his parents? as there is a child involved i am inclined to advise you to find out more before moving on or breaking it off. yes he is disrespecting you, no thats not ok. yes its happened to other people and you are not alone. examine your motives though and if you are staying with him for security and seducing him to make him want to stay for that reason... ... a clear conscience makes a better relationship a good marriage makes better parents Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sevenwndrs Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 I guess I should have been more clear on some things. Yes I love him, but he does not love me. He tells me this so often it seems to be an autopilot type responce to everything. "Why didnt you call me back?", "Because I dont love you." "Why didnt you pick up milk?", "Because I dont love you". Right now I am watching him get dressed up to go out. There is nothing I can do cause he has broken up with me. I can't mourn because I have to see him. I am not sure I will make it through this. A man who never went out before by his own choice now goes out every night. As far as sex, he says that he never wants to do it with me but I manipulate him into it because I know what turns him on. He likes someone. A woman he works with. He has admitted to it, and even admitted to thinking of her a little while we were having sex. He says he is completely fine with me sleeping with someone else. He says he has absolutley no problems with it. There he goes now. This too will pass? Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I wonder what caused such a sudden & radical change in behavior? Had he been exhibiting signs of depression before all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 So is this just a typical male thing? I like to think it isn't. I know that there will be some rotten apples in any "identity group," but it's unfair to overgeneralize based on what a few people do. As Painter said, we are the way we are by conditioning & culture, maybe the Y chromosome too. We're told from an early age to be strong, tough, stoic, etc. It doesn't mean we don't have those feelings, or that we're all insensitive. We rely more on communicating directly. If you tell me something, then that's what it is, how it is, etc. We generally don't spend time agonizing about what you meant, intended to say, or the other second-guessing that you see in the "Cathy" cartoon. What you have here seems to be an unrelated issue, though. Something has happened with him, or between the both of you. You'll need to first decide whether you want to try to save the relationship, & if so then the best way to get through to find out what's happened & how to best correct it. Good luck & take care. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I have had sex with many women that I disliked. I have had sex with women that I found unattractive. P*ssy is P*ssy...if I am horny and want sex my morals and beliefs go out the window and I think with my penis. Sad but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I have had sex with many women that I disliked. I have had sex with women that I found unattractive. P*ssy is P*ssy...if I am horny and want sex my morals and beliefs go out the window and I think with my penis. Sad but true. No intent to start a flame war. Let me simply say that not all men share this view. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by Scott S Let me simply say that not all men share this view. Did I say they did? Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 No, you didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sevenwndrs Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 I understand that p*ssy is p*ssy, and I understand that many men see it this way. But we have been together 6 years. I am the mother of his child. Plus he says he is MISERABLE with me. How do you have sex with someone you hate? He was not showing signs of depression no, but we had problems and often he was unhappy. And when we fought I said horrible things. But there was no warning, up until the day he told me he wanted to break up, he was telling me he loved me and wanted more children, etc etc etc... Actually, every one of our friends are blown away. He is just not the same man. It is like he snapped. And he only threw this on me 2 weeks ago. I called him last night when he went out, in my desperation, telling him I wanted him to come home and I asked him if he was going to see the girl he had been calling. He freaked. The man that had never in all our years said a mean thing to me said, "You have NO rights to know where I am or what I am doing, IT IS OVER, get it through your head, I can do what I want, you are NOT my family..I wish you would leave this state and get away from me, the only time I am unhappy at this point is when I see you." All of this and he gets to come home here. How do I get through it if I have to see him everyday? I dont work, we just bought this house (my name is not on it but I paid the down payment etc), but he just keeps saying he has nowhere to go. I guess that is true. Link to post Share on other sites
TempSane Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 Sell the house and move on with your life. It's obvious that he doesn't want anything to do with you. Just because he has sex with you doesn't mean that everything is ok now. From what you have said, you are arrousing him and he is trying hard to not have sex with you. He even said no. A man will have sex with just about anything if he was horny enough. Why do you think some men degrade themselves and have sex with prostitutes? Please think with your brain and not with your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sevenwndrs Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Im not at all sure how to even begin to respond to that. Link to post Share on other sites
bgfrombg Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Do you know if he has slept with anyone else? It seems like he's just using you for sex now. Maybe he's not getting any from anywhere else, so he's keeping you around to get off. No, not all men are the same. And not all men are taught at a young age to be tough, not cry, etc. I stand my ground, but if I have feelings for a woman, I share, and if I woman says something, I wonder if there is any meaning behind it, because sometimes women don't come out and say how they really feel, not all women, but a vast majority. I can't tell you what to do, that's for you to decide. Me and my ex was together for almost 4 years, had just got our own place, she had just got a damn near brand new car, and our son was getting ready to turn one, and she came home one night and said she wasn't happy anymore. Although we did split up, let the place go, and don't have sex. I just feel if I was in your position, I would leave him, find somewhere to stay, it's not right for him to lead you on like that, because I think that you feel, that by him having sex with you, that he does love you. He's sending you mixed signals by sleeping with you, but then saying I don't love you and I don't care if you sleep with other people. Read the signs. My ex told me she needed a couple of weeks to think about things, but said she didn't want to stay at our home. I said I couldn't, so she was willing to give up our home before she ever really told me it was completely over, and she also told me not to sit around and wait for her to call. I didn't want to realize it, but finally I did, and you will too. I hope I've helped some, and if you need someone to talk to, just instant message me whenever ya want. Link to post Share on other sites
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