Got my 'drive' back!

[Xeno531]

Well hey there, I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post this or not and at the minute, I don't even know what the point of this post is but bear with me. I'll get round to figuring that out between now and the end

 

Alright, so to begin with I'm in my early 20s and earlier tonight I felt lonely, like I just wanted to strike up a conversation with someone. So because it was already pretty late and I had no chance of doing that in person, I looked through my phone.

What did I see when I looked through my phone you may be asking.

Well, what I saw was that I had nobody and I mean nobody who I could actually text or phone to communicate with. (By communicate I mean have some sort of meaningful conversation with.)

 

So I decided that if I couldn't have a meaningful conversation with someone, I'd just have to settle for small talk.

 

In the end I texted an 'ex' from years ago, just to say "Hi." and catch up with her to keep me occupied. No reply.

 

So I start thinking to myself, "How did you let this happen? Why have you cut off so many people in your life that not one meaningful conversation can be had?"

 

This is new for me, it had been like this for a while but I had never actually needed to talk to someone in.. probably the past year or so. I had just never noticed.

 

I mean, sure, I've got friends. Just none that I feel comfortable talking to about anything important. We make silly jokes and laugh our time together away, and I feel good afterwards. But throughout my life I've always had someone (or several people) I could text or phone up and say "Hey, what's up?" just for the sake of talking and actually being honest and transparent. Now it's just a never-ending series of silly jokes and avoiding any actual serious conversations which hold any kind of meaning.

 

In spite of this realisation that my quantity and quality of friends has lessened over the years, I don't think I've ever felt so 'driven' to actually say to myself "Hey! It's time to put more energy into your social skills!" I was always moderately comfortable with my peer situation until now.

 

Now I feel like I've got a goal, a purpose. I know there's a possibility of making friends through contacts I have now, and I'm not thinking of ditching my current friends. I like them, they've been with me through a lot but our relationships have grown stale. It's not how I want it to be but I don't think it can be helped. Our interests have changed, we've all changed. It's just how things go sometimes.

 

When I was a teenager (just a few years ago) I was callous, arrogant to an extent and I underestimated the true value of what friends I had. Now I realise how stupid I was. I've cut them from my life in one way or another, some of them I didn't even want to lose but they ended up being collateral damage from failed friendships.

 

Relationships are a different story. In my younger days I had a few dates, a girlfriend for less than a month and I betrayed a friend and slept with his girlfriend to be blunt.

 

I always took the break ups hard, mainly because I didn't see them coming. My first girlfriend when I was 16 broke up with me because of our lack of communication (she's the one i texted earlier). There was another girl but she's nothing special to me. But the biggest one, I mean the one that really tore my inexperienced little heart out, was the one I cheated with.

 

It only lasted 4 months but I really liked her, I actually think I may have had real 'grown-up' feelings for her. I mean it took me 2 years to actually get over that 4 month fling. If I didn't I doubt I'd have betrayed a friend for her. Even though I done that, I still see myself as a person of integrity.

I just recently got over the girl while my friend has had 3 girlfriends since and we're still friends now.

 

I know I'm finally over her because even 2 or 3 months ago I'd never have admitted how much that fling hurt me. Both from the guilt and from her. It ended very horribly.

 

Well anyway I generally would go into these 'phases' of seclusion, not really leaving my house for social purposes and not talking to friends as much. But I recently made plans to go out with friends tomorrow and saturday. I feel like (please forgive the cheesey metaphore) a caterpiller that has went into his cocoon and emerged a butterfly (or a moth at least ).

 

So there's the background info, good job if you've stayed with me for this long.

Still haven't made my point yet haha but I'm working on it, don't worry

 

Anyway, I feel like I need to go out and get social again (I was never really social to begin with, always very shy in my opinion but I made friends so I couldn't be that bad).

 

I was wondering if anyone had any tips, tricks or just general advice for this kind of thing. I've always considered myself a bit of a clown around close friends.

 

I just.. I feel like my old self is coming back and it feels good. I've always hated myself ever since the fling, but now I feel like the real me is coming out instead of the hurt and defensive me of the past 2 years.

 

I know it's not much but I don't remember ever even feeling confident enough to be this honest about myself to strangers on the internet (very nice strangers I'm sure ).

 

So yes.. any advice for socialising and maybe even some for the ladies would be appreciated. I'm finished feeling sorry for myself (About time!) and I'm ready to put myself out there!

 

Even if nobody replies, I'm just glad I vented a bit, shown myself that actually BEING myself isn't all that hard. Even if it is through a keyboard. But hey! This is a good first step.

 

I'm sorry if that seemed very jumbled but I just typed as soon as it came to my mind. I tried to make it as interesting as I could but I know it might not actually be an interesting read.

 

By the way, if you read all of that and are still here, reading this, then I just wanna say thanks for sticking through it lol.

[Absewarrior]

Xeno:

Sounds like you are growing up...cool that you got your drive back. Maintaining relationships are important and require time, but if you do it right, you can hold onto friendships for years.

Communication and respect are musts in friendships...just put forth some effort. Also, if you haven't done so....ask your friend for forgiveness for stealing his girl. Even if he will not forgive, you made the effort to do the right thing and can forgive yourself. We all so insane things when we are young...as long as you learned a lesson about betrayal, you can forgive yourself and move on.

AW