proposal went horrible. is is an omen?

[chazz]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years. About a year and a half ago she wanted to start talking about getting engaged. I wasn't ready like she was and told her honestly that we would have to wait. She didn't understand how she was ready and I was not. She became obsessed with it and nagged me incessantly about it. The nagging really started to get to me. Our relationship started to suffer. However, we stuck it out and started communicating better.

 

About 2 months ago I decided that I was ready to get engaged. Then two weeks ago I bought a ring and planned a surprise 4 day trip to the mountains where I was going to propose. I rented a car (it was a six hour drive), reserved a hotel room, and made some romantic dinner reservations. I had it all planned out..we were going to go hiking, white water rafting and to a spa. It was going to be great. All I was looking forward to was the smile on her face when I finally made her dream come true. We were going to put the rough patches behind us and look towards the future. Now, she knew it was coming. She knew about the trip (not where to, but that we were going somewhere) and figured it out. She started to nag me then about speaking with her parents in person. Now, they live 6 hours away from me. I understood wanting me to, but it didn't happen. Mainly it was because I wanted to be 100% certain about everything and her mom is a huge gossip. I wanted to wait to the last possible minute because I was afraid her mom would spill the beans to someone and somehow my gf would cathc wind of my whole plan.

 

I decided that I would give her parents a courtesy phone call instead while we were on the trip. This way I spoke to them (albeit not in person) about my intent, but we still had our time to celebrate the engagement. I had spoken with some friends who assured me that the phone call was more than appropriate. Well, once we arrived at the hotel after a 6 hour drive she started to ask me if I'd visited her parents to ask for their blessing. I told her no after the 40th time she asked in the car. This was the worst mistake I've ever made. I totally underestimated her response. I thought she'd be ok with it because I was going to call, but more importantly because she was so happy about the engagement. Instead She lost control and became hysterical. She demanded that I buy a ticket to her parents city for the next day, fly up, rent a car, drive to her dad's work and talk to him, then drive to her parents house and talk to her mom before flying back later that same day. It was going to cost $1300, but I made the reservation because she was so upset.

 

Fortunately I talked her down 2 hours later and managed to cancel the reservation. Sadly, the trip was ruined and we'd only been there for about an hour. It was awful. I wondered if it was a bad omen. All of my plans were shot. Here I was thinking it was going to be the best time ever and instead it became a nightmare. Rather than being a trip about us it became about her parents. The next day we woke up and left. I blew $800 on that trip on top of the ring. We drove 6 hours back to her house. The next day I drove six hours again to her parents house. I spoke to them and they were appreciative. However, I had a lot of time to think while I was in the car. I started to wonder if my gf was putting her parents ahead of me. Pleasing them seemed more important than getting to our committment. Wasn't the engagement the real heart of our trip, not her parents seeing me in person? After 3 1/2 years we were going to finally do it! Was it all a bad sign? What do you think?

[katie79]

It's a sucky situation. I'm not entirely clear on it though. Did she nag you about the parents thing before or after the engagement? Are you meaning to tell me she wanted you to ask for her parents blessing before you popped the question or did she want you both to see her parents after the engagement occured (to tell them the news)? That I'm unclear of.

 

However, I don't see this as a "bad omen" or a "sign" you shouldn't marry her. I guess she just has her standards and expectations. It was a bad experience, but who cares. It's over. Go with the flow and whatever happens. If things turn out well, great. If it goes badly, you have to do some thinking.

 

I think things will be okay. Kinda reminds me of the movie, "Just married" where the "honeymoon" goes bad---but in the end, they still love each other!

[moimeme]

I don't think it was an omen, but it was astoundingly insensitive, thoughtless, ungrateful and miserable of her to flip out on you like that.

 

I would definitely think - hard - about whether this was an isolated incident (still - it was her engagement!) or whether she's often like this. If she is usually ungrateful like that, then you better rethink marrying her. She behaved horribly, and if it wasn't a PMS glitch or something else (and if she hasn't apologized profusely) then she needs to grow up a *lot* before she'll be fit to be in a relationship.

[Samson]

Hey bud,

 

The fact that you're even writing the word "engagement" is a horrible omen.

 

RUN AWAY, FAR AWAY!

 

And don't look back.

[LolaLopez]

Whoa. I agree with Moi. Crazy and ungrateful. A phone call is very appropriate and common.

 

However, some things to know are: How you communicate with her, and that part of your relationship. Because it takes two to tangle. Also, yes, did you always know that she needed the parent thing first? Because how she wanted it does matter, this is a HUGE event in her life too, one that can never be redone. And, are you a control freak? Is she? Something is going one here.

 

I get the feeling that there is more trouble here than meets the eye. And all I can say is that you are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. It will keep rearing its ugly head, trust me. Are you even engaged now or did you just not do it? I say if you feel that this is the ONE, then go to couples retreats and counseling.

L

[amerikajin]

Is this the only time she's flipped out on you like this? If so, maybe you can put it in the category of "forgive but don't forget." Like it or not, family issues will always interfere with your own marriage, because when you marry the spouse, you marry her family, too.

 

Still, I agree with moimeme (back to agreement again, moimeme - isn't it wonderful? ) If she regularly makes a habit of this, I think it is indeed a bad omen.

[chazz]

Admittedly, I did know that she wanted me to speak with her parents in person before I proposed. She must have told me 100x that it was important. I had every intention of doing it, but I put the trip together at the last minute and didn't have a true chance to drive to see them beforehand. That's why I was banking on the phone call before I proposed. Maybe it wasn't exactly what she wanted, but in my mind there was no other way...plus I figured that she'd just be happy about getting engaged. Period. It was about us, right? Not her parents. I saw her parents last Thursday after the trip and I have not proposed yet. I am still annoyed about how things went and am still kind in shock about how terrible the whole situation turned out. The ring was in my pocket and she blew it. I was really disappointed. After all that nagging I finally had the desire to commit and BAM! it gets taken away. She kind of took the wind out of my sails on this one. She's all happy now, but I feel unsettled about it. She says that she feels a little bad about how it went, but says "doesn't it feel better now that you've spoken to them in person?" I think to myself that to me that was never a big deal. To answer another question, she is extremely demanding and a self-admitted perfectionist. Of course I didn't suspect any of these traits when we started dating. They emerged much later on. I am much more laid back. I rarely ask anything of her. Am I overreacting because I don't think so. Thanks for the advice.

[Mr Spock]

In the words of Monty Python

 

"RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!"

[Mr Spock]

Ps-Take the wind out of hers. Tell her the tantrum she threw has killed any desire for a wedding, and if she really wants to get married she needs to work on her selfish immature behaviour.

 

 

That should make her wake up a bit.

[LolaLopez]

while still agreeing that she seems nuts, i have to say you exhibited some passive aggressive behavior with skirting the parent thing. controlling!

 

there needs to be respect for each others needs here and this is just not happening. lots of undermining. i'm telling you, it won't go away if you get married. you don't seem to jazzed about the idea anyway. and maybe you never were.

 

i'm sleepy and going to bed. good luck.

Lolaaaaah

[moimeme]

back to agreement again, moimeme - isn't it wonderful? )

 

 

Admittedly, I did know that she wanted me to speak with her parents in person before I proposed. She must have told me 100x that it was important

 

Why was it so important???????

 

You say her parents didn't seem to give a hoot - so what, exactly, made this an earth-shattering issue? Was it important because she told you to do it or was it important for some other reason? Because if it was to fulfil some sort of ideal she had about how her proposal was 'supposed' to be, you're in for a pack of trouble for the next 40 years.

 

To answer another question, she is extremely demanding and a self-admitted perfectionist

 

Hoo boy! It would be fine if those perfectionists restricted their perfectionism to themselves but when they foist it on everyone else, that is actually controlling behaviour wearing a slightly more acceptable mask. The thought of an upcoming marriage should be happy - and you should be excited about spending the rest of your days with a delightful companion who's fun to live with. Does this sound like the marriage you're headed for?

[binturong]

So what I want to know is after all that, does she expect another huge romantic getaway for the proposal?

[Karlise13]

I know I don't know her and this story may only be a little fraction of what she's like on a day to day basis....

 

 

but I don't GET people who flip out and get all stupid and out of control over stuff.

 

I personally couldn't live with a perfectionist because they are always miserable.

 

Life is imperfect.

Nature is imperfect.

Relationships are imperfect.

Kids are imperfect.

 

That's LIFE.

 

If she's that controlling now, wait until you're married!

[jmargel]

Why do people on here say 'Run away'? Jeez, that's pretty harsh advice. It sounds like she has problems communicating, and I would recommend marriage counseling. Trust me, I went through it, and still am. We started in May, and got married last week. If it wasn't for the counseling I truly don't know if we would be together.

 

And it's not because we don't love each other, etc.. It's because we didn't communicate on the same level as each other. We were taking what one of us said and thinking it meant something else. And it's always important to hear from another person outside of the situation to say 'When he says this, this is what he really is meaning..' The counselor was able to make my (now wife) understand certain things, in which I wasn't able to do. It also made us both realize to pay more attention to each other's feelings, etc..

 

Now even with the counseling the stress of planning a wedding is AWFUL. Yea, the idea of planning one is nice, but by after the second week the details get to be overwhelming. She's going to want it her way and you might feel pressured even though it's going to cost alot, or you might feel any ideas you have about the wedding are thrown out the window.

 

Yes, she did over-react, but that is our opinion. You know her best, since you've been with her 3 1/2 years. When you talk to her about this issue approach it like this:

 

"I think that you were pretty hard on me about seeing your parents in person like that. I can understand how that is important to you, but you have to realize how much effort and planning I made into that trip we took."

 

instead of:

 

"How could you do that to me? What you did was wrong! You acted like a nut!"

 

By telling her that you understand on how she might feel, and making her feel validated, even though you totally disagree, you disarm her. You take away the ability for her to get into a confrontational stance, thus avoiding an arguement.

 

If you need more pointers on that kinda thing, let me know. I really recommend marriage counseling to anyone considering marriage. It helps in more ways than you can ever imagine.

[EC]

I have to agree with some and disagree with others.

 

But then I catch myself disagreeing with myself so I don't know but this is that I think.

 

A girl has PLanned her engagement since the first time she saw Cindarella at the age of five. It's really really important to us and we just want it to go perfect. Obviously you knew how she felt about the engagement and how important it was too her and she had told you about the parents 100x. She probably feels that you just didn't put her thoughts into consideration.

 

on the other hand....

 

I think a phone call would have been just as good because you were finally doing it. I think it sucked that she new about it already on the way up to the mountains and that it ruined the trip. I also think she was ebing very selfish and rude and inconsiderate of all the planning and effort you put into popping the question.

The excitement of you asking alone should have made her happy enough even if you asked her in the parking lot with a string for a ring. The last thing on her mind should have been her parents it should have been more like Finally and I can't wait to get to the hotel room.

 

Has she been like this before? I don't think it's an omen I think its just a reality check. I think you needed it because your not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman and I think your having doubts.

 

Do you really want to marry this girl?

 

If this was the engagement..imagine the actual wedding, buying a house, a car, raising kids...

 

Think about it

[YellowLioness]

But then again, I'm not a guy.

[Newly Engaged]

Agreed.

The sooner she realizes that perfection is unattainable the happier she'll be.

 

There aren't any such thing as "omens", in the sense that "chance events can be predicted"

but I'd take this as a pretty good indication of what her personality is about.

 

Then again, many people, especially women, get a little crazy when they're thinking about marriage. It could be a temporary aberration, or it could be a sign of things to come. I'm truly amazed at how many people manage to act like completely different people when they're in a couple, until they get to the altar and then suddenly they feel like they don't have to be someone else anymore. And they wake up next to a stranger!

 

Either way, talking about it in a calm manner might be revealing. I understand the feeling of hurt when you feel you're not as important as you ought to be. Don't think of it like that. She's not putting her parents before you - she's putting her "image" of the perfect proposal ahead of you. Just remember - it's a partnership. If you're both trying to impose your own views on the "perfect" proposal, then perhaps you're not cooperating too well..

 

But then again, I'm a little weird

[katie79]

He sounds pretty accurate. Communication is plays a big role in any relationship, especially when you're getting married. Tell her how you felt and don't ridicule her or make her feel stupid (though she prob will). At this point, you guys should be best friends. Don't hold back on communicating how she made you feel forced to tell her parents. Proposing marriage is one thing, but that's really up to the guy if he wants to ask permission or for the blessing of them before he pops the question. If you are afraid of telling her this, that's not good. I mean, I got engaged recently, and we've haven't discussed any serious issues, but I can tell you this...if I felt I couldn't tell him something, I sure as hell would think twice about marrying him.

[pav186]

i dont think the way she acted was appropriate at all...although we have only heard your side of the story. But if things happened basically the way you said they did, i would think of it as a bad sign of things to come. In the future though, don't do things like make reservations to calm her down because to me that shows she's a bit manipulative and you let her be. If she's asking you to jump through ridiculous hoops, like flying to her parents the next day and drive to her dads work etc. you have a right to say no.

 

I echo the others in saying think LONG and HARD about whether YOU really wanted the engagement, or whether her incessant nagging for the past year made you think you were ready. I've seen perfect relationships turn into perfect engagements and then into disastrous marraiges. So if you're having trouble gettin the first two steps together, it will make it much harder to have a happy marraige together.

 

My 2 cents anyways...

[Mr Spock]

A girl has PLanned her engagement since the first time she saw Cindarella at the age of five. It's really really important to us and we just want it to go perfect. Obviously you knew how she felt about the engagement and how important it was too her and she had told you about the parents 100x. She probably feels that you just didn't put her thoughts into consideration.

 

You should rephrase that to state "Demanding, perfectionist girls have planned their engagement since the age of five"

 

Minor stuff like engagements pale to some of us women when slotted next to real life problems.

[YellowLioness]

MOST girls, maybe not even girls who are materialistic, dream of getting married like Cinderella.

 

However, reality isn't like that. Personally, I'd be cool with a phone call.

 

Probably, most level headed girls are going to wait for their man to propose, even though they may or may not hint. They're not going to force him into it.

 

Why did you let her pressure you so much into getting engaged, anyway?

 

I think that she's so focused on being engaged, that she doesn't care what she has to do, she's going to have it totally her way. It seems as if love isn't a huge factor for her. If it were, she'd let you propose in your own time, letting the relationship flow naturally.

 

 

 

It seems like what you want doesn't matter to her.

[EC]

I wouldve been cool with a phone call as well. Thats not the important part. I guess I shouldn't have said a girl and I shouldve said some girls. The reason I said it was because the cubicle girl next to me said it.

 

But in reality I haven't planned the way I want my proposal to go. As long as its the man I love proposing I could care less.

 

It could be in my kitchen with an onion ring and I would say yes.

[Mr Spock]

I would probably go for the onion ring too, because you can eat it afterwards.

[binturong]

I personally think a proposal should be the guy's thing. If he wants to make a big deal of it, cool, if not, that's fine too. Chances are the woman will take charge of the wedding, so the proposal is the guy's big role in getting married. If you (generic "you") want your BF to propose to you (instead of a woman proposing to her BF), I would think you'd need to let the BF do it how he sees fit. Let him surprise you or not, but let it be his idea. Women have got to realize that they can't control everything and that things will not always be "perfect".

[SoleMate]

I've got a different reaction to this than most. While I would never excuse a tantrum, I am very bothered by the way that the husband-to-be was able to hear his intended ask 100 times for the parent visit, and just fail to follow through. Regardless of whether he or we think that such a visit is necessary, it was important to her, and she asked him for it. We don't know whether he agreed or not, but my question is...

 

Why did he not give her what she begged for and longed for (the parent visit)? Why was he trying to "put a smile on her face" by giving her what HE thought she should have?

 

I can imagine myself flipping out after begging again and again for something I crave, and then learning that the decision against it was made without my input being considered. Then I'm told that I'm really getting what I want, even though it doesn't feel that way, and I should be very happy. That's crazy making.

 

I hope the engagement has been called off until you two can learn how to communicate. Neither of you should ever have to ask 100 times for anything.