best friend dilemma!

[FsuBA34]

ok so i get that most of you won't read my other posts because they were too long, fine, i get that

 

here's a summary:

best friend with girl (Lindsay) for about 3 years, got very close to the point where we were getting in a lot of fights over things like her jealousy of me and my other friends, stuff like that, seemed to get closer after all of them

 

we've talked about living together before, she's told me "i'll see you for the rest of my life", she's accused me of "not being able to get close to someone", she once told me that a friend of hers told her "you're in love with your best friend aren't you?" and that she told him "we're just friends" and her friend kept complimenting me but for some reason she told me this story (seemed like she was testing the water to me);

 

she walked in on me and a girl hooking up before (although it wasn't sex, because i'm a virgin and she knows that) looked very jealous when she ran out of my dorm according to my roommate, was very determind to find out who the girl was, i lied to her, said it was some random girl, she eventually found out who it was and got upset that i lied to her about it

 

we've called ourselves the power couple because of how we look together dressed up for things in AMA (american marketing association) that she only joined because i was in it, despite that she didn't even major in marketing, joked about being married on more than one occasion, i even once jokingly said "honey would you butter my bread" not expecting a response and she said "sure honey" and did

 

her female best friend and I got a big fight when Lindsay and I first started talking, because she could see how close we were getting, told me that she saw us "eventually getting together" (she had a boyfriend at the time)

 

she's complimented me on how i look before (this is before i lost 30 pounds recently, while we weren't talking) bought me very expensive christmas presents, more expensive than any presents she's gotten friends or other boyfriends before;

 

she planned some event with her work for her friends to bring their boyfriends to, told me she'd bring me (she was dating someone at the time)

 

i'll stop before i make this too long again, but you get the idea. like two months ago i told her i wanted to "discontinue" our friendship, because i couldn't treat her like a girlfriend and try to find one (i should've said I can't treat you like a girlfriend unless you ARE my girlfriend). it sucked, but it felt like she wanted to date around but keep me in reserve while she did. she would always be very negative about me trying to meet other girls, once i told her a friend of ours was introducing me to a girl and she said "oh well if that sucks just come out with me and (whoever she was dating at the time)".

 

so recently, after hurricane charley hit here, i dropped her an email to tell her i hoped she was ok. didn't say to write back, or call, or anything. two days later she wrote me back, and dropped her cell phone number. i finally decided i should tell her how i felt about her, so i called. i didn't get her, i got her voicemail, left this weird message because i was nervous.

 

two days later she wrote me another email saying that she saw i had called and was wondering "what had changed" and told me "it really hurt her that i was so willing to drop a friendship over what some girl said (i brought up an example that night of the opportunities i was throwing away for her, she took it as the main reason)". she said she didn't want to put her friendship on the line and get hurt again. the whole thing sounded like someone who had been through a breakup. so, i wrote back, saying nothing changed, i just wanted to sit down and explain everything, and "rebuild our relationship". i told her we "had a good thing before, but had potential for something great". i never once used the word friendship. this was me trying to kind of show my intentions. well, tonight she wrote back saying that she really wanted to talk to me, and that her problem was that she didn't even think there was a problem. she's gonna call me soon to set up a time to talk.

 

so, what do i do when i see her? do i immediately come out and tell her that i love her (because I do) or do i explain everything and then say that? i would love to hear people's takes, and if this story intrigues you at all, check out my "best friend for about 3 years, can we become more? how?" farther down the list. thanks i appreciate it. i need non partial advice.

[uriel]

Yes -- tell her exactly how you feel. Time to see if this can be something more.

 

-- uriel

[FsuBA34]

so do you agree with me coming out and saying how i feel first thing, before talking about all the other stuff? my thinking is that i can go with however she responds to me telling her that i love her. we'll see. i'm not even sure how this phone call i'm gonna get from her sometime soon (every response she's given me since we started over has taken two days, so tommorrow should be when she calls) when we plan out when we're gonna talk. i guess i just need to avoid giving any feelings, make a little small talk, plan out the time, and then hold it all till then.

[uriel]

Yes -- wait until you really have time to talk about it with her. Then, get past small talk / catching up and move into a relationship talk. Once you get to that stage of the conversation, it's time to fess up and see what she says.

 

Hope that goes well --

 

uriel

[FsuBA34]

Update: I just got back from meeting up with Lindsay for the first time in three months. It went well...I think. I wrote a note that said something along these lines:

 

Lindsay I feel terrible about what I did to you. It burned me up inside knowing i hurt the most beautiful special girl i ever have met. I have missed you so much, it's indescribable. I listened to that song "Broken" so many times I think i have it permanently in my head. But our 3 or so months apart have made me realize something. I want what you said to me the night before graduation to be true ("I'll see you for the rest of my life"). I want to be with you. And most importantly.....

 

I handed this to her, and told her at the end to look up. When she did I opened my car door, pulled out a dozen roses and told her I loved her. She immediately said something like it's great to have you back, told me she loved me too, but nothing really happened after that. She explained that she clinged to that one guy she said she didn't really like more so after we stopped talking, and even admitted that she probably shouldn't have. She said she wanted to break up with him, but it hurt her to do it. She then said how she didn't really want a boyfriend now, she just wanted to date casually and live life like it was in Tallahassee. So, we caught up for a while (like 2 hours) she told me how good i looked (I've lost 35 pounds since i saw her last, from 205 to 170) we takled about how much it had sucked to not have each other around....our lives had followed similar paths, etc. etc. Finally when we left, I hugged her, kissed her on the cheek (keep in mind neither one of us had ever done that to each other, so it was a step, albeit a small one) and told her keep that note.."because that's really how I feel" and the roses. And she said "I will" I love ya, call me tommorrow. So. If you've read my first message and the the other two, what do you think? Is she just apprehensive about the whole thing because we haven't talked in three months (it took a month for us to get together and talk, so i'm thinking that's the case, she was already using the word "love" before i even got to say anything, which caught me off guard) or does she not really feel the way i think or what. Let me know what you think.

[uriel]

I think it overwhelmed her, and this is a girl who doesn't sound confident in relationships, and maybe doesn't know how to handle that level of intimacy and commitment. Give her time and space on the romance thing, but be consistent as a friend.

 

There's a little hope -- I'm just not sure how much. It will depend on whether she keeps going for guys who are messed up and wrong for her, or whether she turns that around for a guy who genuinely cares. Believe it or not -- that's the scary thing. You're not a screw-up who's just after power, sex, etc.

 

-- uriel

[FsuBA34]

bumpin this so we can get some background info for my current situation