19 been married a year and now I'm begging him to love me

[Stilllovehim]

So, I'm broken, got married when we shouldn't have.

I left home due to abusive situation with my father one week after turning 18, I moved in with a family from church who I had known a while, 5 months later I marry their nephew

But before I moved in with them I had already met him and was in love

He waited all through the last two years of high school for me( my parents took me outta church , it had been almost two years since I had seen him)

So he proposed over the phone after I just got sick at work and was headed home, I was trapped, his aunt and uncle got obsessed with our relationship and I didn't know what to do anymore so I was at a point of marry him now or it will never happen. We got married that day , one year later he lets his aunt and uncle run our life and I don't want it to be like that, my husband has been physical in the past when he looses his Temper , so Friday night we had a fight( aunt and uncle induced) and so I went to a grandparents house for the night because I didn't want something to happen that we would regret.

I come back when it's cooled down and he changed the locks which his aunt and uncle told him to do also took the money out of the bank

Also a couple of weeks ago he sold my truck so I have no vehicle

He says I left him which I didn't leave him I wanted a break over night then I came back of course the sheriffs made him give me a key and told him he committed a crime and could be out in jail

But anyways I keep trying to come back and he keeps pushing me away its been exactly a week today

I'm broken, also I'm a Christian and he claims to be , he has had a history with addictions including porn but he hasn't been doing it lately , and I'm for sure but he did tell me about is lust after his aunt and the sexual dreams he has about her and other women and it crushes me

So he says we are separated because I'm separating him from God and he doesn't need that. I clean his house ( well actually its his aunt and uncles we rent from them) their office is in the front yard , I was working for them but I quit because she was constantly trying to hear about our intimate life and I quit talking to her about everyday stuff because she was trying to get to personal

She got mad and now my husband has turned on me

I love him so much but I'm tired of begging him to love me

 

I got him a puppy for valentines and all I got was a bruise from him pushing me out the door

 

I know I'm not perfect and I told him that I've asked him several times what I can do to be a better wife he says nothing except I ruin his relationships with him family

 

By the way his grandmother ( who I'm staying with ) who is the mother of the uncle says she saw it coming

She is supporting me 100%

I'm done venting now sorry

So I'm gonna wait for him to come around , I know I deserve better but I'm afraid to let go, he doesn't want a divorce yet but until then

Which finger so I wear my ring on?

[Mack05]

Right now you can't separate the forrest from the trees. You need to get out of this situation. You ran from one mess straight into another. That's what tends to happen when there is a bad home life.

 

The last girl I loved got married in a similar way to you. She had a tough home life and got married to the wrong guy. I remember her telling me there were no pictures of her smiling on her wedding day. She knew in her heart it was the wrong decision, but she wanted an escape. She wanted an out. In the end it was a trainwreck and she nearly ended up dead.

 

You don't love him. You think you do, but the problem here is a yearning for you to be loved. Girls with low self esteem and a desire to be cherished end up with toxic guys. Be under no illusion this guy is toxic and saying with him and his aunt and uncle will lead to more drama, more fights, more abuse. This will lead to bigger problems. Trust me. I've seen this script a million times.

 

What we have here are two dysfunctional, emotionally immature people. There are huge emotional gaps in you both and neither of you will ever be able to fill them. You need to find extraordinary courage and leave him and his family. You need to find a way of re-inventing yourself. You are only 19. You have your whole life in front of you. To me there are two choices..

 

1) You stay because its the 'safe' option and have the life sucked out of you, spending endless years constantly looking for validation from this man. You eventually bring kids into this mess and the cycle continues. They get screwed up (like you from your father) from the craziness of your relationship and make the same mistakes..

 

2) You realise every person can choose their own destiny, no matter what their father did. You live life. Enjoy life and realise all the potential you have inside of you. The best way to do this is by loving yourself. By having a high self worth (which you don't right now). Set out goals in your life and achieve them. I promise you if you do this you will meet the right kind of guy.

 

If I were you I would leave. I know how scary that must be for you but try starting to come up with a plan. Saying with this gran isn't an escape. Onve you get settles try get therapy to help you deal with the past. Create a plan in your head and stick to it. I hope you make the right choice. It's the difference between a wasted life or a happy one..

Edited February 16, 2013 by Mack05

[Stilllovehim]

That's exactly what everyone that I ask tells me

It is scary and yes I'm just begging for love

But this hurts so bad

I'm moving in with my grandparents and I'm getting a job in another city

I'm just scared to ever trust again

It feels like someone I love has died

I need help but can't afford it

I used to contemplate suicide I got saved and haven't had a problem but I've been reminded again of those feelings and its so scary

It's also devastating cause I saved myself for marriage and then I get thrown out like trash

Will a good guy still except me?

I feel doubt but I wanna say to myself of course somebody will one day but then I'm like yeah right

 

I'm sick to my stomach

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, change your avatar.

If that's you, with Mr Charming, you really don't want anything to identify you... Jeesh!

 

Secondly, the advice you've been given is rock-solid.

Quit questioning.

Just do it, take the advice and follow it to the letter.

Time for all these questions later when you're out of reach and safely away.

 

The more you prevaricate, ask questions and ponder, the more stuck you become.

 

Which means, if you get 'stuck' you'll have to carry on with this for the foreseeable future.

 

Is this what you want for the next few years?

 

Follow the advice and get out.

Now.

[Gunny376]

Disclaimer ~ I write this for the benefit of the OP, so be warned! It might get kind of long.

 

First I should say that I'm writing this from the perspective as if you were my daughter, or even granddaughter for that matter.

 

Your nineteen for the Love of Pete! That's awful young to try and be living way, way, way too complicated a life.

 

I understand that you needed to get out of an abusive home-life. I understand that completely. But the bottom line is that all you've really accomplished was to exchange one Hell for another.

 

No man, and I mean NO man should ever put his hands on a woman except in self defense. I mean I'm all about being honorable, but I'm not going to set idiely by and let some gal whal on me with a Louville Slugger, tire iron or whatever. There are some women that think they've got a free pass to just beat the ever loving Hell out some man with anything at hand. You can bet you bottom dollar that I would and will use whatever force necessary to defend myself and to exit stage left ~ never to grave her eyes with my presence ever again. Enough said on that point..........................

 

The divorce rate varies for different age groups, ethic groups, religious group and what.

 

For men under the age of 25 that get married? The divorce rate is whopping 90%. In other words? Its not if they're going to end up getting divorced? But more of a question of when they're going to get divorced?

 

The divorced rate for a couple that loses a child? Again around ninety percent. The divorce rate for couples that 'live' together prior to getting married is greater than those that don't. The rate of divorce for men that get married because they got the wife pregenant? Again its about ninety percent (primarly because this again falls into the sixteen to twenty-five age group.

 

There's a lot or reasons for this, but the single most important variable to the equation is a lack of maturity on the man's part. As a 'general rule' ~ women at any given age, but most especially in the pre-teen, teen, young adolescent, and early twenties range simple lack the mental, emotional and pyscholigical maturing to make a marriage work.

 

That's coupled with a lack of experience and total lack of just the basic knowledge, comprehension, appreciation of women, relationships with women, understanding women, the in-and-outs of being in a relationship with a woman ~ let alone marriage?

 

The simple fact of the matter is? Most men are completely and totally clueless as to how to be successful with women and in a relationship with a woman.

[Gunny376]

Men and women are fundementally ~ emotionally, physically, pyschologically about the same. That is to say they're about the same in any and all regards to within the range of about 80%!

 

What most men don't know and fully appreciate, (Many for the whole of their lives) is that the remaining 20% that is different between men and women is HUGH!

 

Men in the younger years (12 ~ 30) are in and of as general rule way behind the curve when it comes to emotional maturity. Take any given female in that range ~ and they're about ten years ahead of any guy in the same age group.

 

Men fail to appreciate that women have physilogical differences than men do. You average woman for example has about 10,000 ofactory cells in their noses than men. Short of it? They've got better sniffers. That's why flowers, colognes, perfumes, air freshers, etc.

 

Women also have about a 20% greater field of vision than your atypical man does. This is mostly prereferial vision. But its still greater. Its why women generally have a greater attention to detail, greater spatial preception etc.

 

For example in a test that is administered by the United States Military ~

 

oooqqqqqpppppoooooqqqqqppppppooooooqqqqpppooooooppppoooo

 

Women can accurately pick out the correct numper of o's, p's, and q's than men in a given amount of time. The short of it is that women tend to have a much greater attention to finer detail.

[Stilllovehim]

Thanks I have heard that from some people but they are family and 90% of my family has screwed me over , I think I just needed some extra from people that don't know me and its helped

 

By the way his uncle is abusive and he grew up watching his mom get beat up

Which is no excuse

I never hit him or anything until he started snatching me out of trucks about as tall as the house and throwing me around and almost threw me into a bumper on the ground that could have cracked my scull open

Only then have I got defensive I don't start it but I sure as heck let him know that I ain't gonna just sit there

But I do agree with you on the if the women are abusive

Women can be just as deadly

 

There are so many statistics and what's sad is you can't really run from them

 

What is the mind set I need to have to do this? I'm just in a haze it doesn't even seem real

Which sucks cause it is

[Gunny376]

With any and all of that? Your DH is a complete and total wash in so far as husband material.

 

He simply lacks the mental and emotional maturity to be married and in a relationship. He's not there yet and there are many men that are never there. They are simply not relationship literate. They're not women literate. And they're not romantically literate.

 

Romance is not a in-born trait or skill. Granted some men just have a natural knack for it. But most don't. For most? Its a learned skilled. But the problem is? Most men never take the time to learn it.

 

Romance is important to most women simply because they want to be treated, wanted, needed, deisred, validated and understood as a person ~ an individual for their true uniquness. And not just another vaginal life support system ~ piece of azz ~ or worse yet? Just a sperm depository.

 

Women love sex just as much as men do. But most of them also have a built in "anti-slut" mentality. They want their men to work for it! They want to want sex with them and only them. They want them to appreciate them for who and what they are! They want their men to know ~ "It doesn't come that easy! You've got to work for it! You've got to want me!

 

Women ~ albiet my personal belief is that most women ~ want their men to choose them and make the feel wanted, needed and desired over the other 3.6 + billion women in the world.

[Gunny376]

I don't start it but I sure as heck let him know that I ain't gonna just sit there

 

The short of any and all of that is? Don't start no crap! There won't be no crap!

 

I'm a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant. I'm no "Rambo" by any strecth of the imagination. And I truly doubt any real Green Beret, Army Ranger, or Navy Seal could ever measure up to "Hollyweird"version could even begin to measure up to such.

 

But I am a fifth degree black belt, 20+ year Marine rifle expert, pistol expert, former Marine marksmanship coach, PMI (Primary Marksmanship Coach), Drill Instructor. That's primarly what I did in the Corps for the better part of a twenty year career. Train people.

[Radu]

I'd say that the peripheral vision, multitasking ability, focus on social relationships is even better than Gunny mentioned but he's damn right overall about it.

 

OP, a few weeks ago i met someone in exactly your situation that made her choice to remain with the guy.

Abusive home life, she wanted an out [her mother threw her out and told her her entire life that she didn't want her].

It's 13yrs later and she is in a foreign country without a friend, living in her husband's family.

She worked for the family business and brought it up without having a employment record, she got tricked out of her half of the business, she out of her children's access, replaced by a much younger girl and kicked out when she refused to allow the mistress.

Everything that she said about her husband was word for word BPD clasification [6 criterias and all pretty strong; her children's psychologist confirmed it].

 

You are 19, i wish i had your clarity when i was at that age but Gunny was right ... i was stupid [30yr old guy now], and it took being 28 to finally wake up.

You have plenty of time to stand on your own two feet, to get your bearings, to rely on yourself.

The internet is full of forums that discuss psychological and emotional abuse, many books are written on the subject, you do not have to go through what ppl in your bf grandma's generation went through [smart woman ... she saw through it].

 

Divorce him, and your future husband will hopefully understand compromise and what it means.

Otherwise you are facing a lifetime of being an enabler to an abuser [just like the girl above].

If you learn to see the abuse, to identify the right boundaries and to communicate you will have no doubt a very nice relationship.

 

PS: The thing he did with the money, that's most likely fraud.

[Gunny376]

With any and all that I've said? The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic?

 

The Titantic had a band playing while she slipped underneath the waves!

[Gunny376]

I'd say that the peripheral vision, multitasking ability, focus on social relationships is even better than Gunny mentioned but he's damn right overall about it.

 

OP, a few weeks ago i met someone in exactly your situation that made her choice to remain with the guy.

Abusive home life, she wanted an out [her mother threw her out and told her her entire life that she didn't want her].

It's 13yrs later and she is in a foreign country without a friend, living in her husband's family.

She worked for the family business and brought it up without having a employment record, she got tricked out of her half of the business, she out of her children's access, replaced by a much younger girl and kicked out when she refused to allow the mistress.

Everything that she said about her husband was word for word BPD clasification [6 criterias and all pretty strong; her children's psychologist confirmed it].

 

You are 19, i wish i had your clarity when i was at that age but Gunny was right ... i was stupid [30yr old guy now], and it took being 28 to finally wake up.

You have plenty of time to stand on your own two feet, to get your bearings, to rely on yourself.

The internet is full of forums that discuss psychological and emotional abuse, many books are written on the subject, you do not have to go through what ppl in your bf grandma's generation went through [smart woman ... she saw through it].

 

Divorce him, and your future husband will hopefully understand compromise and what it means.

Otherwise you are facing a lifetime of being an enabler to an abuser [just like the girl above].

If you learn to see the abuse, to identify the right boundaries and to communicate you will have no doubt a very nice relationship.

 

PS: The thing he did with the money, that's most likely fraud.

 

And I say this with tears in my eyes as though your were my own daughter. Go to bed, and get up Monday morning. Take your Happy self to the employment office here in Alabama.

 

Tell them your situation. And tell them you want a chance at a better life, a shot at a better life. Tell them your nineteen, that you come from an abusive homelife.

 

Be it trade school at one of the community colleges, or even college, even its nothing but going to learn how to drive a damn truck! Get your happy azz out there and learn a trade or something that you can always fall back on ~ so that you and your children will never ~ and I mean never have to depend upon any man for so much as spit!

 

I realize your of the Christain faith? But you need to position yourself as a woman and potentionally future Mother? To be able to look any man on this planet in the eye and say!

 

You know what? I don't need you nor your crap! Have a nice forever the rest of your life without me!

[Stilllovehim]

The only reason I'm in the state of clarity I'm in is cause I never got to be a kid I've always had to grow up and all I wished was a fairy tale and boy did I screwed over

 

Yes the money thing is fraud, my name was on the account, also he locked me outta the house and the sheriffs that I called out there said it was illegal too

I have a lot on all three of them to get their butts in a lot of trouble

They run their own business and I know a lot about stuff they do

I could crush them with one phone call but I just can't bring myself to do it

Which makes me mad too!

 

After the abandonment from my real father, sexual abuse from adoptive father, verbal and mental abuse from my mother and complete rejection from my husband , I'm surprised I can still think

But hey someone always has it worse than you

[Stilllovehim]

And I say this with tears in my eyes as though your were my own daughter. Go to bed, and get up Monday morning. Take your Happy self to the employment office here in Alabama.

 

Tell them your situation. And tell them you want a chance at a better life, a shot at a better life. Tell them your nineteen, that you come from an abusive homelife.

 

Be it trade school at one of the community colleges, or even college, even its nothing but going to learn how to drive a damn truck! Get your happy azz out there and learn a trade or something that you can always fall back on ~ so that you and your children will never ~ and I mean never have to depend upon any man for so much as spit!

 

I realize your of the Christain faith? But you need to position yourself as a woman and potentionally future Mother? To be able to look any man on this planet in the eye and say!

 

You know what? I don't need you nor your crap! Have a nice forever the rest of your life without me!

 

 

Lol yes I do need that mentality and by golly you would think I was already like that but whatever it takes to be who I'm supposed to be then ill take it

And one day I hope I can say I finally made a good decision

I haven't slept all night, I better get myself together before somebody tries to prescribe me on them butterfly meds

[Gunny376]

Actually if you were my daughter in the situation that your in? I would strongly suggest that you enlist into the United States Marine Corps. Not the Navy, not the Army, not the Air Force.

 

The United States Marine Corps. Just thirteen weeks at Fourth Recruit Training Battalion ~ The battalion where they train WM's (Women Marines) will give you the boost in self confidence and self esteem that you can't find anywhere else.

 

Yea, it will be thirteen weeks of mental, emotional, pyschological, physical Hell, and you'll be tested on any and all of those areas as you've NEVER been tested before! You will be tested and pushed to the limits. (My first night in boot camp I was eighteen and cried! All I could think about was, "What in tha' Hell of a every loving mess have you've gotten yourself into!" :eek: :eek: )

 

But IF you make it through it? You will have not only have joined a "Brotherhood" but a "Sisterhood" ~ a very exclusive club ~ group of people. When you've crossed that final line of the Crucible, ~ when they put that EGA ~ (Eagle, Globe and Anchor) emblem in your hand? You've been given something that no one ~ and I mean no one ever can take away from you. You know then and there you just didn't fill out a bunch of paperwork ~ signed and initialed your "life away"

 

You'll know then and there why we Marines are so damned proud of that 'thar' EGA! Why we put it on any and everything! You'll instantly know that when you see some old WWII vet sitting in a wheel chair at WalMart with a "Marine" baseball camp on? You've got an instantaneous friend. Ditto with any and every Marine since!

 

The Marines isn't just about filling out another job application ~ its a commitment!

 

Boot camp isn't just an end to itself? Its to test you and see if you got what it takes to make it day-to-day in the real Marine Corps. Because once you're out of boot camp? All the 'safety switches" are turned off. Its can to can't.

 

It will change you ~ and you will never be the same ~ ever again!

 

Forever more you will be different! You'll think differently ~ see thing differently. You will look at most things and think, "Whatever? Is that all?

[Ladybugz]

i think you run away from home and did it all t escape your home

situation. but jet you went into worse.

 

so next time dont go after men to escape situations.

if you run run to get on your own and independent.

 

dont you have your own family that support you?

i have a impression that he is kind of a immature dude with a lot of issues

that need to be living with his parents and his parents

still change his diapers.

doenst sound like a real men to me. cause everything have to involve

his parents.

 

maybe you need to stop begging and start putting on paper

and think about what you really want. you are to young

to be married.

start thinking what you want and what you need to get there.

and then put it in action.

 

this dude is not helping your self esteem.

and i think he is ignorant and far from God.

stop any kind of contact with him for a while and take time to

think and see what is best for you.

and pray about it for God to guide you.

 

in the mean time, get a new job etc. and start

building something for yourself. read self help Christian books etc.

[Radu]

Damnit Gunny, you're making me consider joining ... good thing i'm too old for this [and in another country].

 

PS: The equivalent here is the Foreign Legion.

[Gunny376]

The Marines like any organization has its what I would call the 10%. The low-lives, the scum of the earth. But in and as a general rule? Most Marines have one thing in common.

 

They want, need, and desire to be a part of themselves that is greater than themselves.

 

Me, myself and I? I enlisted to serve my patortic chore ~ intially. I never had any intention of making a career of it.

 

I answered John F. Kenney's challenge of:

 

"Ask not what your country can do for you! But what you can do for your country!" (That challenge actually goes back to the days of the Founding Fathers of the country ~ JFK ~ or I should say his speech writers just borrowed it from them!)

 

But I felt that I had an obligation to those that had gone before me, who had fought, bleed, and died for the freedom that I have and enjoyed to this day.

 

To those who had made the ultimate SCARIFICE for me!

 

The Freedom of Free Speech!

 

The Freedom of Assembly!

 

The Freedom of Protest!

 

The Freedom of Religion!

 

The Freedom of Jury By My Peers!

 

The Freedom to bear arms!

 

I owed them that much, and four years of my life? Was but a small price to pay for the ONE that they paid!

[Gunny376]

That's exactly what everyone that I ask tells me

It is scary and yes I'm just begging for love

But this hurts so bad

I'm moving in with my grandparents and I'm getting a job in another city

I'm just scared to ever trust again

It feels like someone I love has died

I need help but can't afford it

I used to contemplate suicide I got saved and haven't had a problem but I've been reminded again of those feelings and its so scary

It's also devastating cause I saved myself for marriage and then I get thrown out like trash

Will a good guy still except me?

I feel doubt but I wanna say to myself of course somebody will one day but then I'm like yeah right

 

I'm sick to my stomach

 

Kitten (Said in a fatherly way and just hugs from one Human Being to Another)

 

Good women are alway in short supply!

[Gunny376]

I used to contemplate suicide!

 

Don't ever think about that kind of crap! That's just BS ~ negative thinking.

 

There's no shortage of good, God fearing, God respecting, loving men out there just looking for someone like you!

 

Life is hard! Its harder for those if you're stupid. (I'm NOT calling your stupid!)

 

It really PMO that you were abused! :mad: :mad: Mistreated! By those that you cared about and who were suppose to care about you, protect you, etc.

 

I have NO sympathy ~ NONE ~ ZERO ! :mad: :mad: For sexual molestors! Especially child molestors!

 

I'm a God fearing ~ law abiding Man!

 

But you lay a hand upon one a mine in a wrongfull way?

 

God have pity on you!

 

I WON'T!

 

I haven't any problem with killing what needs killing!

 

Anyone that lays a hand on one my most cherished and beloved children or grandchildren?

 

They need to turn themselves into the "Law" ~ not just because they broke the law!

 

BUT! Because they're sorry azz is going to seriously need Police Protection from ME! :mad: :mad:

 

Despite being a retired United States Marine?

 

I will seriously put you in a hurt locker if someone mess with my most cherished children and grandchilden!

[Gunny376]

Getting back on track here!

 

I know you've got a World of Hurt coming down on you right now ~ at a young and tender age!

 

Your only nineteen for Christmas sake!

 

The DH? He's got a lot of growing up to do! You've got to think about you and yourself.

 

Please, please, and for the Love of almighty God don't think for a second that this guy is

the end all to be all!

[Gunny376]

PROMISE ME!

 

Promise me you won't lose hope.

 

Hope is eternal!

 

Hope is what keeps us alive!

 

Just ONE more second, just one minute, just one more half-hour, JUST one more half-day!

 

Most my life I've spent like a kitten hanging on a screen door!

 

Private Message me if you must!

[TaraMaiden]

Stilllovehim, I can still see who you are.

 

Threads on Loveshack are open to Google searches, and can be seen by anyone lurking.

Really, personally I believe putting up a 'personal' Avatar is cruising for trouble.

 

But that's just me....

[Mack05]

Will a good guy still except me?

 

Yes without a shadow of a doubt. As soon as you start to truly love yourself. All of you (bad bits and all). You start this journey by dealing with the demons of the past. Once that is done you can then start to look forward in a healthy frame of mind (which you are not in at present).

 

Was that you in your avatar? What a gorgeous girl you are. You need to find a guy that wakes up with you in his arms and thinks. "Holy crap I am waking up with ........ How lucky am I? Your current husband will never be that guy.

 

Most people advising you wish they would have done a lot of things differently. What an opportunity you have. A blank canvass to chart out your life as you see fit. You have no idea what kind of blessing that is. Having said that you have to be young and foolish before coming old and wise .

 

You need to focus on achieving happiness and peace inside. That is no easy feat, especially coming from a badly broken home. Many never achieve it. They live their lives in denial. Because of this, they end up repeating the same patterns/mistakes and eventually start to play the victim and blame each and everyone around them for the mess that is their lives. They have this constant need/desire to be loved, which leads to attracting the wrong types of guys. This inevitably leads to temporary highs, followed devastating lows, which plenty of drama along the way. Then the cycle repeats. Rinse, lather, repeat.

 

You will only find healthy love when you love yourself. When you are at peace with yourself. When you realise that you are a prize and that you don't require validation from anyone to know how incredible you are.

[imtooconfused]

Stilllovehim... From your background, it sounds like your desperately needing to be loved and you can't seem to find it. I'm sincerely sorry that you are in your current situation. You are getting a lot of good information on this thread and I am glad you had the courage to speak out here.

 

The only concrete advice I can give is to take the high road. Don't stoop to their level and act like they do. Show them that you can be better and by doing so show that he/they don't deserve you.

 

Lastly, if that's you in the profile picture, lose it... for tons of reasons.