Expectation Status of OW

[stevie_23]

This is for anyone who is a current OW (or OM) or an ex-OW (OM). (I don't want to have to write OW / OM every single time and most "other people" here seem to be women, so I'll just use the terms OW and MM here, but any OM here, please respond as well)

 

What was your "expectation status" as an OW / when you were an OW?

 

Meaning, were you in the category of waiting for your MM to leave his wife? Like actively waiting, because he'd told you the marriage was dead or on its last legs even before you met, and throughout your A, he told you that you WOULD be together at some stage and that he WOULD leave his wife?

 

If this was your scenario, did you truly believe your MM? And how long would you wait if nothing was really decided or acted upon yet (and with no definite timeframe) by the MM?

 

Or were you in the category of being told your MM had no intentions of leaving his wife but still loved you and needed you for things his marriage couldn't provide him? If this is the case, do you feel you were a secondary priority to him, or do you feel his wife was?

 

Also, did you see your A continuing on indefinitely, with potentially nothing ever changing? Is there a reason you were content to remain with someone who was not able to give you 100% of himself?

 

This has all been pretty much said in the past tense, because I'm an ex-OW, but I also mean this for anyone who is still currently an OW.

 

I'm just wondering whether it's more "typical" for OW to need to know that ONE DAY they will be "the only one"?

[cocorico]

This is for anyone who is a current OW (or OM) or an ex-OW (OM). (I don't want to have to write OW / OM every single time and most "other people" here seem to be women, so I'll just use the terms OW and MM here, but any OM here, please respond as well)

 

What was your "expectation status" as an OW / when you were an OW?

 

Meaning, were you in the category of waiting for your MM to leave his wife? Like actively waiting, because he'd told you the marriage was dead or on its last legs even before you met, and throughout your A, he told you that you WOULD be together at some stage and that he WOULD leave his wife?

 

If this was your scenario, did you truly believe your MM? And how long would you wait if nothing was really decided or acted upon yet (and with no definite timeframe) by the MM?

 

Or were you in the category of being told your MM had no intentions of leaving his wife but still loved you and needed you for things his marriage couldn't provide him? If this is the case, do you feel you were a secondary priority to him, or do you feel his wife was?

 

Also, did you see your A continuing on indefinitely, with potentially nothing ever changing? Is there a reason you were content to remain with someone who was not able to give you 100% of himself?

 

This has all been pretty much said in the past tense, because I'm an ex-OW, but I also mean this for anyone who is still currently an OW.

 

I'm just wondering whether it's more "typical" for OW to need to know that ONE DAY they will be "the only one"?

 

Initially, I wanted an A. I had no expectation, nor any desire, that he would leave his M.

 

Then things changed. We fell in love, decided to be together. Expectations changed on both sides. I believed him - why would I not? Actions speak louder than words. How long would I have waited? We had an agreed schedule, we both had things we needed to do in order to be together, so I would have "waited" until I had done what I needed to do, which was not really waiting at all. If I had not seen him working equally hard while I was doing what I needed to do, I would have accepted he was less committed than I was, and would have walked. To me a R is a partnership. Both people need to be equally invested. So that would have been my criterion.

[Sarabi]

What was your "expectation status" as an OW / when you were an OW?

 

My expectations were always low...now they are superlow

 

Meaning, were you in the category of waiting for your MM to leave his wife? Like actively waiting, because he'd told you the marriage was dead or on its last legs even before you met, and throughout your A, he told you that you WOULD be together at some stage and that he WOULD leave his wife?

I wasn't waiting for him to leave, I told him he shouldn't really and I don't think he ever would. Well, there was one time he mentioned he felt like calling it a day but I doubt they would...I think its better for him to work on it and give it everything because from where I was standing I couldn't really see the problem. Even now I don't see the problem...just a pair of silly young kids, got married way too young and don't take the time to appreciate each other and what they have. The marriage isn't on its last legs...I don't think.

Funnily enough a few weeks ago he told me that "if ever it didn't work out...I will come and find you...ok?"

(PLEASE! Don't think that I don't want it to work out between them, I have never said that to him)

 

Or were you in the category of being told your MM had no intentions of leaving his wife but still loved you and needed you for things his marriage couldn't provide him? If this is the case, do you feel you were a secondary priority to him, or do you feel his wife was?

 

He says he "loves" me ...he says he "needs" me...

...in my opinion I am ABSOLUTELY (not even a second priority)...on his Z list. My name starts with S, I mentioned many times that if he scrolls through his phone long enough he will find me listed between "nothing" and "worthless". I don't know what I am providing for him. I am bored though now.

 

Also, did you see your A continuing on indefinitely, with potentially nothing ever changing? Is there a reason you were content to remain with someone who was not able to give you 100% of himself?

 

No. I have nothing else to look forward to in life. I go to work, I come back. The shifts are late. The job is worse than rubbish...but while I am looking for something else I guess it has to be done(the job I mean).

In the beginning I wasn't bothered but now, even though I remain like a sick puppy, I am getting bored...Hardly any man (even single) has ever given me 100% of himself and whilst I am not getting anything from anyone else even remotely desirable, I just take attention from where I can get it.

I don't believe I am wasting time or opportunities. Where I live and work and my lack of time to socialise...there are absolutely NO other opportunities. Except more of the same that frequently pop up (crap men).

 

I'm just wondering whether it's more "typical" for OW to need to know that ONE DAY they will be "the only one"?

 

I would really love to be an "only one"...but I am really just too fed up. I know that I will never ever be the only one...to anyone. Single or otherwise.

[veryhappy]

I believe for most the expectations change as the A progresses. An A is very dynamic and quite unpredictable in the very beginning.

 

For me it started out with me emphasising that it wouldn't get anywhere, I had enough issues to be looking for a R and it wasn't healthy anyway to get one out of an A. He was convinced he'd never get divorced, so everything was peachy until we fell deeply in love. The expectations changed, I wanted to be with him, he I can only suppose became confused. I can't say he wanted to be with me, given the crystal clarity he found once the A ended. In his words he sort of stumbled on what I was offering.

 

The turning point is probably falling in love for most. It's impossible to keep it an A if all you want is to have a normal R with the other person.

[ForeverGuilt]

I really don't know what my expectations were in the beginning. Honestly, he started texting me 10 months before I agreed to meet for a drink. I knew it was physical for him and it made me angry. I would tell him to leave me alone, then a few days later he would reply asking if life was better without hearing from him. The truth is my self esteem was/is low enough that I must have been sucked in and flattered by the attention at some level. I had been out on other dates and they were really bad. No chemistry or just plain men that are single for a clear reason. xMM filled a void where I was feeling vulnerable. I really knew it wasn't about me as a person.

 

However, I do think he developed feelings for me at some point (not enough), but did fall in love. I do think he hurts, but I honestly think what hurts him the most is the thought of me with another man physically. He claims that is his what he deserves for his choice to stay. It was a purely shallow event for him. For me? I was physically and emotionally smitten. He made me laugh. But, boy there have been way more tears. I realize what a number it has done on me.

 

He told me from the beginning that he didn't know how he could leave. So I would leave and then he would beg for another chance. That if I just didn't put pressure on him. I told him I just needed hope, no promises. (Yes, I am an idiot - that was in January). He said he can give me hope --- I took it an ran.

 

One month later and it is over. He deep down knew he could never leave. I think if we were both single it would be different. But, would I really want him? I think I overlooked a bunch of things that normally would be red flags. I don't want someone that so easily lies to his spouse about this A. He claims that he would never cheat on me, but come on?!?!

 

I compromised who I am as a person for this crazy type of validation. All it did was tear down my self esteem.

 

I have to say, I am absolutely blown away by the numbers of people that don't leave their spouses. Until I found this site, I thought it happened all the time. I DID NOT realize that it is a rare occurrence for the MM to leave. So I really thought once we fell in love he would leave for me. WRONG! Reading these threads is just scary. They are all dead on to what I am hearing or heard.

 

You know, this a cathartic to write about it . Thanks LS members for making this a place to talk about something that you can't share normally.

[Sarabi]

I do think he hurts, but I honestly think what hurts him the most is the thought of me with another man physically. He claims that is his what he deserves for his choice to stay. It was a purely shallow event for him. For me? I was physically and emotionally smitten. He made me laugh. But, boy there have been way more tears. I realize what a number it has done on me.

 

I agree 110%

They don't want us enough to leave their wives...but they want you to still love them, pine for them, think about them, put your life on hold for them just in case the "what if?" moment arrives...even wanting you to have a baby for them.

All part of a master plan to keep you tied to them forever and keep you down so that no one else can have or want you "I can't have you and no one else should either"

[MissBee]

Also, did you see your A continuing on indefinitely, with potentially nothing ever changing? Is there a reason you were content to remain with someone who was not able to give you 100% of himself?

 

This has all been pretty much said in the past tense, because I'm an ex-OW, but I also mean this for anyone who is still currently an OW.

 

I'm just wondering whether it's more "typical" for OW to need to know that ONE DAY they will be "the only one"?

 

I think I was in the category of "not expecting to fall in love...but did...and then that made it unacceptable to stay".

 

I was in college and was in no way interested in a "serious future", I was still figuring stuff out, he wasn't married but in a LTR with a child, we were LD, and lots of other factors made it so that I did no seriously plan a future with him and had no expectation of him leaving or anything. I told him point blank that he can't have two gfs forever and he'd have to choose one day and I know he wouldn't choose me because I didn't make sense in his life.

 

However, knowing all this didn't change the fact that I was inlove with him and then naturally I wanted to be his ONE and ONLY. Over time I became more and more resentful of the limitations and sharing. I was young and it wasn't like I wanted to run off and be married to anyone at the time...but I realized I wanted a relationship with at least growth potential. I felt like ours had a built-in cap and most As do have a built in glass ceiling. Hence, when OW say they aren't looking for anything serious, don't want to marry and have kids, don't want him "full time", I kind of chuckle. For some, this may stay that way, but for many others...feelings change and grow but then the situation is the SAME, so you get screwed. While I had no active expectations and wasn't waiting for anything, I felt I was in limbo and over time I wanted more and it wasn't forthcoming so it had to end.

 

Now...I couldn't do an A, because in general in dating as a single gal, I don't invest a lot in situations without REAL potential. Will every situation work out? No. But I don't form committed relationships lightly and only take it to that level with men who from the situation we're in and our expressed desires and what I've learned over time, it seems we could possibly build something. An A for me comes with a huge warning sign which reads: Be cautioned that should your feelings exceed a certain limit, the situation will most likely not change to match it.

Edited February 16, 2013 by MissBee

[LFH]

This is for anyone who is a current OW (or OM) or an ex-OW (OM). (I don't want to have to write OW / OM every single time and most "other people" here seem to be women, so I'll just use the terms OW and MM here, but any OM here, please respond as well)

 

What was your "expectation status" as an OW / when you were an OW?

 

Meaning, were you in the category of waiting for your MM to leave his wife? Like actively waiting, because he'd told you the marriage was dead or on its last legs even before you met, and throughout your A, he told you that you WOULD be together at some stage and that he WOULD leave his wife?

Nope, not expecting this at all. He's never implied any of those things. He's in a pretty screwed up relationship, but hes' got his reasons, he does love her and supports her and I knew from day 1 that he wasn't leaving and I'd never ask him to.

If this was your scenario, did you truly believe your MM? And how long would you wait if nothing was really decided or acted upon yet (and with no definite timeframe) by the MM?

 

Or were you in the category of being told your MM had no intentions of leaving his wife but still loved you and needed you for things his marriage couldn't provide him? If this is the case, do you feel you were a secondary priority to him, or do you feel his wife was?

This is our scenario and I certainly don't feel secondary. There WAS a time where we were trying to figure things out that I had periods of feeling that way. How can you NOT at some point, but I told him that if that was the way things were going to be, I was going to have to walk away. Neither of us wanted that, we adjusted and he never makes me a lesser priority.

Also, did you see your A continuing on indefinitely, with potentially nothing ever changing? Is there a reason you were content to remain with someone who was not able to give you 100% of himself?

Yes. I expect I will be with him for the rest of my life.

Yes there is a reason I am willing and content to reamin with someone who I have to share.

This has all been pretty much said in the past tense, because I'm an ex-OW, but I also mean this for anyone who is still currently an OW.

 

I'm just wondering whether it's more "typical" for OW to need to know that ONE DAY they will be "the only one"?Not for me. I think that might be the "norm" if there is such a thing but for me the only thing that matters is knowing that we sincerely are key parts of one anothers lives. That we matter to one another and that we enrich the life we have both together, and apart.[/QUOTE]

 

 

My answers above in bold. Great question.

 

 

Miss Bee did make a great point here where she says "An A for me comes with a huge warning sign which reads: Be cautioned that should your feelings exceed a certain limit, the situation will most likely not change to match it."

 

because it does make it really hard when you fall head over heels for someone, it changed my entire view of the world.

[a_roman_holiday]

In the beginning, I was the one who was pushing for a physical only relationship, because I knew if I let him in even a little, I'd fall hard.

 

Well... Wasn't able to keep it purely physical because we were good friends before the affair. SO, I fell in love him. He tells me he loves me. He's very doting and sweet. And because we were friends first, he really knows me flaws and all.

 

My expectations of him leaving his wife are nonexistent. He tells me that things are bad at home (they've discussed divorce several times in the past month, and had done so before our affair). I still don't think it's going to happen, though.

 

He'll ask me questions about stuff when he's "really" my boyfriend, but I think it's all crap. On V day we saw each other and he said something about how "tonight was about me." It was all I could do to not burst out laughing. Over course it wasn't about me. In ten minutes, he would be driving home to his wife. I am definitely a second priority. Kind of stings I supposed, but I can't change that.

 

Since, I don't believe his fluff about him leaving her, it helps me. What really gets my goat though is that I'm in an open relationship with my bf (he understands the situation and is fine. The two of us are really not compatible in bed). Every now and then my MM will get jealous. He'll insist that he doesn't want to make me do anything, but he can't help the way he feels. Every time, it's tough luck for him, I'm not leaving my bf. I've been super clear that the only time I might consider it is when his divorce was final.

[WakingUp]

Well, at first I had no expectations... he had been pursuing me for four years and finally succeeded when I was at an extremely low point in my life. Yep, I resisted all that time, and then one day I was so very vulnerable that I didnt resist any more.

 

I was rapidly sucked into a vortex of guilt and hurt and tears (mine). I wish I had a clue what I was getting into back then, I would have run.

 

Fast forward to four years later... and again I have no expectations. He has proved time and time again that his actions in no way match his words.

 

All the promises in the world, all the I love yous, all the times I have tried to finish this damn thing and walk away. Each time he claimed that he was getting things in order, we would be together, just be patient... blah blah blah. I now believe he had no intention whatsoever of changing anything, but I believed and trusted him. (No more).

 

At least with no expectations there is a lot less capacity for disappointment and hurt. This has changed me as a person, however, and I am not sure I like who I am around him anymore. It has impacted on my life in more ways than I care to name.

 

Expect NOTHING and you wont be disappointed.

Edited February 17, 2013 by WakingUp

[OpenBook]

To tell you the truth, I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was totally into the Now of it. I do distinctly remember a little voice saying "No, not even him" (meaning, "These are not the droids you're looking for... move along"). But I ignored that voice, for the experience. And boy did I get it. Ah, youth.

[Got it]

This is for anyone who is a current OW (or OM) or an ex-OW (OM). (I don't want to have to write OW / OM every single time and most "other people" here seem to be women, so I'll just use the terms OW and MM here, but any OM here, please respond as well)

 

What was your "expectation status" as an OW / when you were an OW?

 

Meaning, were you in the category of waiting for your MM to leave his wife? Like actively waiting, because he'd told you the marriage was dead or on its last legs even before you met, and throughout your A, he told you that you WOULD be together at some stage and that he WOULD leave his wife?

 

If this was your scenario, did you truly believe your MM? And how long would you wait if nothing was really decided or acted upon yet (and with no definite timeframe) by the MM?

 

Or were you in the category of being told your MM had no intentions of leaving his wife but still loved you and needed you for things his marriage couldn't provide him? If this is the case, do you feel you were a secondary priority to him, or do you feel his wife was?

 

Also, did you see your A continuing on indefinitely, with potentially nothing ever changing? Is there a reason you were content to remain with someone who was not able to give you 100% of himself?

 

This has all been pretty much said in the past tense, because I'm an ex-OW, but I also mean this for anyone who is still currently an OW.

 

I'm just wondering whether it's more "typical" for OW to need to know that ONE DAY they will be "the only one"?

 

We were both married when we started. We had a clearly defined agreement for a timeline and what was needed for each of us to move forward. I left in a few weeks based on where I was, he needed a year to do so. I agreed to it as a reasonable timeline to make the necessary changes. At the end of it, dday hit and so it took a few more months for him to leave as well as us being broken up. He moved in with friends and at that point we started talking again.

 

To be in an affair I had some expectations to make it worthwhile for me. Frequency of visits, over nights, communication, etc. He also went over what he needed/wanted, etc. I actually also recapped it in an email so we had it in writing and so no room for misunderstanding.

 

 

But then I am anal like that. Clear expectations. Needed for both personal and business.

[Got it]

While life has little certainty I don't think expecting nothing is a good moto. I think figuring out what are reasonable expectations, clearly defining them and then holding true to them is more likely to be successful. It doesn't mean that everyone will be able to meet that bar but that speaks to them. It means I am honoring myself and holding true to what is important to me.

[LFH]

And this is good advice for any relationship. There are no guarantees in life.

 

Actually it's terrible advice for any relationship.

If you don't have expectations that are clearly defined for yourself and your partner you will ALWAYS be disappointed.

 

No there are no guarantees in life, but if you go through life expecting it to suck, it's going to.

[ThatJustHappened]

I believe we teach others how to treat us. By no expectation, there is a wonderful way of letting go, letting God. Perhaps what God has dreamed up for me is even better than a standard I would overtly impose on someone. No expectations, no guarantees. Mutual respect can exist within such a dynamic.

 

So you taught the guy you're sleeping with to treat you like *****?

[MissBee]

And this is good advice for any relationship. There are no guarantees in life.

 

Going through life with no expectation because nothing is guaranteed is asinine IMO.

 

We plan the life we want and make choices that can reasonably get us there.

 

You don't simply live haphazardly and expect nothing. People who expect nothing in life often live abysmal lives and are often content with the lowest of lows because they have no standards.

 

Having expectations and standards is healthy! You should be able to be flexible and adjust as life goes on and not crumble if things don't go your way...but it is not the same as simply being a free for all with no expectations.

 

I have yet to see ANY successful person, who is successful in relationships/career/life etc, say their philosophy was to expect nothing because nothing is guaranteed. All the successful people I've read about, seen on tv, and know personally in the flesh have similar philosophies about having EXPLICIT goals and desires for themselves and working consciously to achieve them or having the intention so that it seemed like they attracted the right circumstances to bring them what they needed. Stuff didn't always come in the exact package they envisioned (although sometimes it did)...but they ended up with what they needed and wanted....and it wasn't by living a life of no expectations.

[MissBee]

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." -- John Lennon

 

We're basically saying the same thing.

 

No we're not.

 

But so be it.

[whichwayisup]

I am not seeing a mm.

 

If you aren't having an A with a MM then why are have made 3 or 4 threads about it? Sorry, this doesn't make any sense.

[HonestNeurotic]

I've had to teach my MM to be stingy with his promises. i.e., I don't EVER promise things to ANYONE unless I am most certain that I can deliver.

 

I don't celebrate traditional US holidaze. He does. He wants me to. I can't. How can I celebrate something, then know that he is not with ME, but with his family, celebrating this "day"? It's hurtful, for no reason.

 

I expect nothing but honesty, and that any promises given will be followed through on. When he goes into the mode of "if only..." I remind him that if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

 

Actions speak louder than words. If he tells me that he is going to do something for me, no matter how nice and romantic it may sound, I remind him about being stingy with promises. Because I will put an EXPECTATION on that promise, and will surely be hurt when he is unable to deliver.

 

This is kinda new to me. The "being in love" thang in an affair. I'm pretty sure he's just in a mid life crisis right now, and I have no desire to leave my marriage. I don't expect some "happily ever after". I only expect that he will be honest, and that when it's over, he will be a gentleman about it.

[WakingUp]

I certainly have plenty of expectations, aspirations, goals and dreams in life... I would never not have.

 

But my point is, that to have expectations of a MM is a road to nowhere.

And oh I had them... and he created them... but watching them crumble is a very difficult experience.

 

I just dont think its a good idea to invest your future in a man who is married and having an affair. Be careful what you wish for.

[spice4life]

I completely agree WakingUp. Having expectations of someone who is married is a heart wrenching experience. Lots of potholes along the way. There are a few OW's here that are the exception, but in general having expectations distracts a person from focusing on their own life.

[ComingInHot]

Ow;

While living in the moment, letting life happen To him, Lennon took a couple bullets taking his life right out of his hands...

[stevie_23]

Thanks for all the responses!

 

I have more questions now as a result of those responses.

 

For those who WERE waiting for your MM to leave their wives, if that changed to an expectation of them NOT leaving their wives anymore, did this change your perception of them as a person? Did you now view them more as actual “cheaters” as opposed to someone who was in the “wrong” relationship / marriage and who had now found the “right” person (you) and it was just a matter of time before they could extricate themselves from that prior situation?

 

In my own case, I was in a state of waiting for the majority of my A. It did feel like a partnership in terms of the waiting and expectations that we would both take steps to be together. I made it clear that my own steps would have to begin AFTER his had mostly been completed, which I guess is a bit unfair to him, but it was the way it had to be. He was not happy in his relationship and had been wanting to leave for a while before I came along. He was making plans to do this and they escalated once we got together. We felt that once his plans had been mostly complete (his moving out, getting his own place) then we could work together for him to come and visit me here. Then we’d see how things went in person, and THEN it’d be my turn to make the big decisions about what I wanted.

 

It was him who was the one who tried to put timelines in place for when he expected and hoped to be able to take the necessary steps to start to really be together. Financial issues kept putting it off though. I understood that, but I still got a bit frustrated.

 

Once those plans were out of the picture due to his change in circumstances last June, we accepted that we would only ever have our long distance affair relationship. My perception of everything sort of changed then a bit, but by that stage it had been almost 18 months since we’d been together and so I was deeply in love and also addicted to our relationship so…yeah. The fact he was now content to cheat, potentially forever, on his wife he’d only just gotten married to, was a bit…strange for me. And the fact I was now content (?) to cheat on MY partner…I forgot who I was a bit, what I wanted, how to get it, and everything really.

 

Sarabi, it’s funny how your MM said if it didn’t work out with him and his wife, he would come and find you…like this is supposed to be some romantic thing to say. Hmm. I don’t get some people’s attitudes towards love and respecting people they’re supposed to love. I have a friend online who has been married for many years and is happy and loves his wife, but he’s had an online girlfriend for 2 years and he told me if things were different (if he wasn’t already with his wife), he would be very happy to be married to that girlfriend. But…which one does he really WANT? You know what I mean? If he TRULY was so deeply in love with the girlfriend, why not leave his wife and marry her then? And if he’s truly in love with the wife, why have the girlfriend too? Ugh. Obviously it’s not so simple I guess.

 

I also get the having nothing else to look forward to in life thing. That sounds sort of sad, but I was aware, while in my A, that it gave me something to really look forward to doing every evening when we’d come together online to chat. In the morning I’d look forward to waking up to his texts. He was a major source of comfort, and he kept me distracted from the unhappy aspects of my life in general. I did also love him very, very much (and still do), but the need aspect was more powerful than the love aspect, unfortunately.

 

Sarabi!! Why do you believe you can never be the only one, to anyone single or otherwise? Of COURSE you can!! You deserve to be!!

 

I think a lot of the mentality of these MM is based in “can’t”. They honestly feel they “can’t” be with their OW no matter how much they want it (or think they do). And I don’t think it’s malicious intent that drives them to want to keep us around as long as possible in that kind of “partial” way (not being with us 100% because they “can’t”), I think it’s part selfishness, part need, part love (in a way), and partly because they get stuck in the belief this is the ONLY way.

 

Miss Bee, your feelings about becoming more and more resentful about his restrictions on your time sounds like me. At first I never intended to fall in love with him. I never intended to “step on” his relationship with his wife. But then…the fact he kept saying he wanted to leave there, that he was so unhappy and needed to get out of that situation, combined with the fact we always wanted more time together made me SO resentful and angry when he couldn’t be with me because he STILL lived there in that situation. I twisted it around from accepting his limitations to blaming him for not loving or wanting me enough to bother leaving.

 

I also know about the thing with wanting to marry someone, anyone. We had discussed how we felt married already (on a spiritual level) and how once we did finally come together and if things were as good in person as they were online, we would get married soon after, and then at one point while we were chatting online early last year, I said I wanted to somehow get married right NOW, like I didn’t care about the whole big ceremony and the fact we hadn’t met in person yet. I wanted to make it official NOW and then later once we met and got together “properly”, we’d do it formally in the ceremony. Wow. WOW. Lol.

 

LFH, I know what you mean about adjusting your attitudes in order to be “ok” in an A. Weirdly, once my ex-MM’s plans of really one day being with me, and being able to take steps to move towards that, were taken off the table after he got sick and couldn’t really leave and make a fresh start and all that, it made it a bit easier on me NOT to resent him for his situation (because it was no longer his “choice” as much as it had been before) and to just relax and accept things for how they were, and realise that he really DID go way out of his way to make me his priority.

 

It warms my heart to read that you will be with him for the rest of your life. I truly hope that happens. I really, really do. It’s almost as if my own expectations for my ex-MM had nowhere to go once it ended because I too expected to be with him for the rest of my life in a way, so now I’m living vicariously through your A. lol. (nah, not really. It’s just nice to hear someone experiencing what I thought I would, but couldn’t.)

 

I also felt that my ex-MM and I enriched each other’s lives together and our respective lives apart, except that for him it got too hard when trying to be with me was really hurting his life there to the extent that he really would have to either leave there and stay with me or stay there and leave me.

 

With regard to people saying no expectations means no hurt, etc, I TOTALLY agree with that. As I said, with my ex-MM once the hope of really being together was out the window, a lot of the pressure was gone. It made it easier to accept things as they were and not blame him for not leaving his situation. I used to tell my best friend a similar thing way back when she’d get disappointed with some of our friends for not following through on promises or something. I’d say don’t expect too much from them. Then you will just enjoy and appreciate the good parts but won’t get so upset by the bad. However, this attitude is MUCH easier to adopt when you don’t care that much. When you DO care a lot, expectations still manage to seep through and “get in the way” at times.

 

Got It, your thoughts about still maintaining expectations is very true, but I think those who give up on or let go of expectations do so because they see it is futile and more damaging to their happiness and sense of self worth if they keep expecting certain things they know they cannot have. I guess the “secret” is not getting into situations like that.

 

HonestNeurotic, I SO get this about your MM making too many promises! Being stingy with promises is very productive to not causing more hurt even when you’re trying to do the opposite. My ex-MM used to promise a lot. He really did feel it genuinely, what he was saying, and knew I wanted to hear it too, but it would be annoying. Some of them were small promises said in the heat of the moment and I just found it endearingly frustrating and amusing when he wouldn’t follow through. Others were bigger and I would get quite upset when they didn’t eventuate. I told him this too – not to say things if he didn’t think he could make them happen. He said he tried…

 

You expect that when it’s over, he will be honest and be a gentleman about it? I thought, based on every single thing I knew about my ex-MM, that he’d be the same with me if he ever had to end it. And he DID end it but he was not honest and he was not a gentleman. Every other thing he did during our time was with respect and love and care and support, but the way he ended it was cowardly, selfish, oblivious and heartless.

[ComingInHot]

Sweetie;

Unless I Completely misunderstood your quote of Lennon being about no expectations, then your response to my comment has nothing to do w/your initial Lennon statement.

 

Yoko has nothing to do w/anything......

[stevie_23]

LOL@Yoko.

 

I like her. I have always maintained nobody can break up a happy marriage unless there are cracks already. The Beatles were like a 4 way marriage. John wanted some separation and independence and was growing in other directions. If he wasn’t already doing that, he wouldn’t have looked twice at Yoko because she wouldn’t have suited him. But she did, and the Beatles no longer did.