Expectation Status of OW

[Toots]

An OW has lower expectations than a young single female dating single men.

 

The low expectations may be due to low self esteem. memes, or a later stage in life where the OW is older and has already been married with children.

 

A few OW have stopped believing in marriage and claim no expectation.

 

Not everyone expects marriage from every relationship. When I had my A, I wasn't interested in M at all. I was young, loving being free, building my career. I wanted a NSA R and that's how I landed up in an A. I did not want to be bogged down with all that other stuff. I was having way too much fun.

[skylarblue]

Why was it important to you for him to put his M on the line?

 

Stevie 23 explained fairly correct other than I got to a point where even taking those "extra" risks (which had before) were not enough to make me feel undoubtedly valued, appreciated, and important. What's sad is the things that I really needed him to do were so small IMO (both on its own and compared to what he was doing or had done), but such a big deal to him.

 

The risks were important to me because I know he wouldn't have continued to jeopardize so much (both his M and career) to such a degree if he didn't love me or if I wasn't important to him. I am still amazed by what he went through or did just for me/us (before and after dday), beyond anything I'd ever thought or expected him to do, and I'd never want to minimize or discredit that.

[spice4life]

Are you OW?

 

Why?

 

No. I was referring to what you said about older divorced women with kids. Sorry for jumping down your throat, but I honestly believe a woman's options increase the better she feels about herself. Honestly, when a woman feels good about herself it radiates from her and I have found that men find that very attractive. Your options are only limited by how you feel about yourself.

[ThatJustHappened]

Maybe it's a "genius" thing. Look at all the extra-relationships Bob Marley had...

 

 

 

I have many options. I just happen to like him most.

 

 

 

I am still a believer in happy endings. All things in due time, and what is meant to be will be.

 

You have a serious case of puppy love/hero worship. Your dude doesn't give a damn about you..it's very obvious in your posts. The sad thing is that you clearly don't give a damn about yourself, so you don't notice. Seek help. As soon as humanly possible.

[Mount]

I had to agree with "ThatJustHappened". SweetiePie, if your guy HAS NOT married to gf/fiancee, he has 100% right and freedom to go with you, legitimately be with you if he wants to. Or has he been married 20, 30, 40 years already, has he have millions zillions assets together with spouse that not easy to separate; Does he have kids that make him not leaving his current relationship be with you?

 

If none of us exists, he has not been with you because he does not want to. Tell me how much time, effort, $$ has he invested upon you which shows some of his true heart?

 

You have a serious case of puppy love/hero worship. Your dude doesn't give a damn about you..it's very obvious in your posts. The sad thing is that you clearly don't give a damn about yourself, so you don't notice. Seek help. As soon as humanly possible.

[MissBee]

 

If none of us exists, he has not been with you because he does not want to. Tell me how much time, effort, $$ has he invested upon you which shows some of his true heart?

 

 

Some men have lots of money to spend and spend it because it buys them what they want: sex and women included. A man spending lots of money doesn't show you his "true heart"...sorry. A man investing emotions, time, being truthful, showing you to the world, caring for you etc. are the investments that matter.

 

Measuring a man's emotional "investment" monetarily is very flawed. Giving a woman money or giving ANYONE money is easier than actually giving of self.

[Got it]

Got It;

Since you have/had very high expectations regarding the way Mm treated you, Would you have been angry being introduced to his W & minimized the he did her? Or would you have taken it as him "protecting" you AND his W & himself because it's a secret relationship?

 

I am totally sincere in my curiosity and attempt at understanding the situation of an A**

 

I was introduced once in the beginning. It was my decision and we said hello and then parted ways. I didn't read a lot into it or what was said. Polite introductions and passing banter does not/did not define either relationship in my eyes. She is/was a pretty lady who says hello and how are you very nicely.

 

Vice versa he was introduced to my ex husband a couple of times due to work obligations and had light conversations. He thought my ex was a very nice man, he was/is, and an all around agreeable chap. I don't disagree.

 

I think if one's spouse point blank asked if we were in a relationship and either party denied it then yes I would see that as hiding our relationship. That didn't come up until dday and he admitted to everything. Regardless of everything, hiding, lying, etc. was not something that he enjoyed doing and didn't want to continue.

[Got it]

Glad to hear there are exceptions to the rule!

 

Sigh . . . there are no rules outside of your sexiest and asinine assumptions.

[Pierre]

Sigh . . . there are no rules outside of your sexiest and asinine assumptions.

 

"An exception to the rule" is an idiomatic expression.

 

In any event Quiet Storm said it better:

 

I can see how some would view this statement as sexist, but I believe there is a lot of truth in it. It's just not very politically correct. Whether we like it or not, youth and beauty is a valuable commodity in the dating world. An aging woman with kids is not usually seen as desirable as a younger woman, so her pool of single men may not have as many attractive prospects. It is easier to undertand why she would settle. Not because she feels she doesn't deserve better, but because she is logical and realistic about her circumstances.

 

I think this scenario is similar to when you see a young, beautiful woman with an unemployed loser drug addict. She has so many options and chooses from the bottom of the barrell. Why? The usual answer is that she loves him as a person, just hates his circumstances. Okay, but why does she love him? Why does that love feel valuable to her? Because broken attracts broken. There is some kind of unconscious need that he is meeting in her. It could be "daddy issues". It could be that choosing someone "beneath her" creates a feeling of superiority. She could need to feel loved so badly that any love, even love from a loser, feels valuable to her. The dynamics are endless, but feeling "love" doesn't mean it's healthy and it doesn't mean you are meant to be.

 

Emotionally healthy women don't usually see the love of a married man as valuable. It doesn't make them feel special, but kind of insulted that he would think she is willing to go there. The attention of a married man is not something that sparks a validating feeling in most emotionally healthy women.

 

I know those in the middle of an affair truly feel love. I am not denying that. I just believe it is not usually a healthy kind of love, but a "using" kind of love. Two emotionally hungry people that are feeding off each other in a parasitic way.

 

We all have issues. Some of us recognize and work on those issues, and learn to actively protect ourselves from situations that may be bad for us. We learn to be our own parent, and keep ourselves out of harms way (not just physical harm, but emotional harm). Others just float through life, making choices based on their emotions, without any introspection. They don't think, what do I need and why do I need that? They take their emotions at face value, feeling & defending that love with every ounce of their being, without thinking of the dynamics behind why that love feels so strong, and why it hurts so bad.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I can see how some would view this statement as sexist, but I believe there is a lot of truth in it. It's just not very politically correct. Whether we like it or not, youth and beauty is a valuable commodity in the dating world. An aging woman with kids is not usually seen as desirable as a younger woman, so her pool of single men may not have as many attractive prospects. It is easier to undertand why she would settle. Not because she feels she doesn't deserve better, but because she is logical and realistic about her circumstances.

 

I think this scenario is similar to when you see a young, beautiful woman with an unemployed loser drug addict. She has so many options and chooses from the bottom of the barrell. Why? The usual answer is that she loves him as a person, just hates his circumstances. Okay, but why does she love him? Why does that love feel valuable to her? Because broken attracts broken. There is some kind of unconscious need that he is meeting in her. It could be "daddy issues". It could be that choosing someone "beneath her" creates a feeling of superiority. She could need to feel loved so badly that any love, even love from a loser, feels valuable to her. The dynamics are endless, but feeling "love" doesn't mean it's healthy and it doesn't mean you are meant to be.

 

Emotionally healthy women don't usually see the love of a married man as valuable. It doesn't make them feel special, but kind of insulted that he would think she is willing to go there. The attention of a married man is not something that sparks a validating feeling in most emotionally healthy women.

 

I know those in the middle of an affair truly feel love. I am not denying that. I just believe it is not usually a healthy kind of love, but a "using" kind of love. Two emotionally hungry people that are feeding off each other in a parasitic way.

 

We all have issues. Some of us recognize and work on those issues, and learn to actively protect ourselves from situations that may be bad for us. We learn to be our own parent, and keep ourselves out of harms way (not just physical harm, but emotional harm). Others just float through life, making choices based on their emotions, without any introspection. They don't think, what do I need and why do I need that? They take their emotions at face value, feeling & defending that love with every ounce of their being, without thinking of the dynamics behind why that love feels so strong, and why it hurts so bad.

 

 

can you be my therapist?

I am an OW and did go to several counseling sessions..... well "aware" of the self-esteem issues (though not in any other aspect of my life) and stuck in this A for over a year. Convinced I love him. I KNOW better. I WANT better, but I can't make myself BE better. But your post, however much I'd love to disagree, rings true.

[Mount]

MissBee - You should have noticed I put $$ as the last measurement in sequence. I put time and effort at the prior sequence.

 

My MM is very skimpy on $$ as far as I observed, that is why I keep saying I like his thoughts/effort trying to buy me gifts in certain occasions, while I am not a big fan of his gifts though becoz they are not up to my expectation/taste at all. And I also keep saying all my favoriate materials were all from myself purchases because only myself knows well about my taste.

 

Truthful not truthful, we don't need to waste time debating here, especially here, remember which forum we are? OW/OM forum aren't we?

 

 

 

Some men have lots of money to spend and spend it because it buys them what they want: sex and women included. A man spending lots of money doesn't show you his "true heart"...sorry. A man investing emotions, time, being truthful, showing you to the world, caring for you etc. are the investments that matter.

 

Measuring a man's emotional "investment" monetarily is very flawed. Giving a woman money or giving ANYONE money is easier than actually giving of self.

[stevie_23]

However, they had d-day after I last saw him. He never returned. He never contacted me again. No goodbye. Nothing.

 

It's nearly three months and I am still crushed and depressed. To make it worse, I just buried my grandfather & now I hurt even more.

 

I still think about finding him at his job to have him see my face.... even though this time has passed. Everyday is Groundhog's Day. Everyday is painful. I am not saying I didn't cause pain. I am not even saying that we will or could be together. He made his choice. But, I am still haunted by his disappearence. It kills me.

 

God...I wonder if this is why I also can't move on properly. Because my ex-MM just disappeared too after his 4th D-day. I DID get an explanation because I begged him for one, but...he still left and if I hadn't pursued his response, I still wouldn't know what had happened. It hurts. It's almost impossible to believe they could do this to us, you know? But they did, somehow.

[Mount]

Another golden rule here again - Men like immature children, they run away from criticism, blaming, need to appologize...etc. And that is one of the main reason that married guys seek OW so that they can run away from their angry wives. So when they know they need to face criticism, blaming or appologizing to their soon-to-end OWs, naturally they choose to run as fast as they can to avoid all the scenes they dislike to face.

 

God...I wonder if this is why I also can't move on properly. Because my ex-MM just disappeared too after his 4th D-day. I DID get an explanation because I begged him for one, but...he still left and if I hadn't pursued his response, I still wouldn't know what had happened. It hurts. It's almost impossible to believe they could do this to us, you know? But they did, somehow.

[stevie_23]

Ohhhhh, yes he does! We are thick as thieves

 

Do you think, if his wife did find out and demanded he stop seeing you, would he? Or would he stand up to her and leave HER, or would he appease her with lies and continue your relationship?

 

You are thick as thieves because you let him treat you the way he's comfortable. And if that makes YOU comfortable (for now), then good for you both. But just be careful. If he ever "throws you away", it will HURT like HELL and you will feel of very low self worth indeed.

[snowflakes88]

I don't know why y'all bother going back and forth with SweetiePie

 

Like 15 threads going on about this man, but everything is and and coming up roses. Anyone with half a brain knows if that were true, she'd be out enjoying the relationship instead of making thread after thread after thread after thread trying to convince whomever (the rest of the posters, herself?) that things are so perfect. I mean, really.

[stevie_23]

Ah yes indeed, the avoidance of thinking what could happen because it’s too stressful and unpleasant. So you think he’d slow you way down if his partner found out? Hmm. Does this make you feel like he doesn’t care for you that he’d do this? That your relationship and his feelings and desire to be with you are controlled by his partner to that extent?

 

It’s a fact you’ll always be part of each other’s lives? I thought that too, about my ex-MM. And that fact was blown to pieces recently.

[MissBee]

Ah yes indeed, the avoidance of thinking what could happen because it’s too stressful and unpleasant. So you think he’d slow you way down if his partner found out? Hmm. Does this make you feel like he doesn’t care for you that he’d do this? That your relationship and his feelings and desire to be with you are controlled by his partner to that extent?

It’s a fact you’ll always be part of each other’s lives? I thought that too, about my ex-MM. And that fact was blown to pieces recently.

 

Everyone thinks this.

 

It's not a fact but a wish...then there is reality.

 

Most people cannot remain friends post a breakup and worse an affair breakup! But it's often hard to imagine, while currently happy, that things can change. Hence, so many people spend time bargaining and trying to be friends with their exes after they break up. But most times it doesn't work and usually, in a most natural fashion, this person who was your "everything" is someone you don't speak to at all anymore or very rarely...and you find that life goes on and it's fine.

[stevie_23]

Why not....?

 

EDIT - oops, I meant "why not" referring to SweetiePie's post.

 

I totally agree with Miss Bee's post. (I am friends with my ex after our breakup ages ago, but an affair ending? How? If the wife knows about it, etc, you just can't have any contact really. Also, if you both re-commit to your partners, it'd be...it's just impossible.)

Edited February 19, 2013 by stevie_23