Why do some women think their age is so sacred to tell?

[RedRobin]

To be honest, I've found that my being honest and straight up has scared shadier guys off and encouraged the more selective, nice ones to talk to me. It's a good strategy.

 

... and I've found that being honest and straight up has opened me up to mean people of both genders...

 

I'm friendly. I'm sincere... but I'm not opening myself up to strangers either. Just because someone asks a question doesn't oblige you to tell them. And people who need to press have an agenda of their own that usually has nothing to do with me.

 

The finest, most down to earth people I know learn to develop filters. They are wise to do so.

[Emilia]

... and I've found that being honest and straight up has opened me up to mean people of both genders...

 

I'm friendly. I'm sincere... but I'm not opening myself up to strangers either. Just because someone asks a question doesn't oblige you to tell them. And people who need to press have an agenda of their own that usually has nothing to do with me.

 

The finest, most down to earth people I know learn to develop filters. They are wise to do so.

 

Filters and a thicker skin certainly. I suppose I don't understand why someone's values would reflect negatively on me. ie I don't understand why telling a guy that I'm 40 should make me feel bad if he chooses to walk away. To me that's not opening up though. To me opening up is expressing your vulnerabilities. I suppose I don't feel that my age and my other parameters are something I should feel vulnerable about.

 

Maybe the first step is to be completely comfortable with who you are and what you want. In that case people who have a different opinion/values will not make you feel bad about yourself.

[candie13]

Being open doesn't mean or imply sh*t to the others. Or oblige them to anything.

 

What it is they say and what they do is what's important.

 

Your decision to share information may encourage the other person to share information about themselves as well and this way, build the basis of strong communication. Ideally. But it doesn't mean the other person will immediately open up. Or respond the same way.

 

Your playing fair doesn't mean they will play fair. This is why it's important to look at what they choose to share and what it is that they do, as opposed to say.

 

I agree with filters, but in the end, one does what's more comfortable with them and what experience taught them to be the safest way of behaving (or most "rewarded").

 

Age may not be "the info to get", but it is a basic, important fact in forming an opinion about their potential experience. I look like a 26 years old, but am 32. I believe that those 6 years are important, not because I am older, but because so many things happened to me during the last 6 years, character building and life changing.

 

You don't treat someone who is 26 the same was as a 32 years old. A 32 years old doesn't have the same past or expectations compared to a 26 years old. That's why age is important, IMHO. This is not about getting a job, is about forming an opinion about the other person.

[MyPoutine]

Depending on how many dates you've gone on and how close this relationship is I'd either let it slide for now or make a point.

 

On one side some people have "hot button" issues for some it's age, others weight, income etc. On the other side if she is so determined to maintain her lie then most likely any other "hot button" issue she has will be treated with the same attitude

 

I would say though that getting married while still lying is a bit much but if it's not yet very serious then you can go with the flow and see if she'll ease up later on.

[RedRobin]

This goose looks cooked to me, OP. Sounds like you are in it more for the sake of curiosity than anything else and you just gotta know for the sake of your ego and nothing else.

 

She hasn't lied to you. You chose to continue talking/seeing her (not sure how long you've interacted with her) not knowing her age.

 

Oh, BTW... one of my good friends has been married for over 10 years and with two kids to a guy she met in grad school. She refused to tell him her age for over a month when they were first dating. Heck, his family still doesn't know her real age. Yes, she is older than him...

 

They seem to be doing just fine.

[eleanorhurting]

i have no problem revealing my age. But i'm 26 I'm young and happy I have no problem with my age

 

My mom is 55 and she looks great and she is very open about it. Hopefully I will follow in her foot steps

[FitChick]

Just because someone asks a question doesn't oblige you to tell them. And people who need to press have an agenda of their own that usually has nothing to do with me.

Exactly. That is one reason I am very vague about where I work because many people will expect me to do favors for them. I had too many false friends in the past due to that.

 

I told one man my real age after we’d dated a few times. I asked him if I had stated my real age on my dating profile, would he have contacted me? He said, "No, I only date younger women." Why? “They look better.” Even though my photos were current? “No, because I’d have assumed they were old photos since no one looks that good at your age!”

 

And that, members of the jury, is why I always lie about my age. I rest my case!

[RedRobin]

Exactly. That is one reason I am very vague about where I work because many people will expect me to do favors for them. I had too many false friends in the past due to that.

 

I told one man my real age after we’d dated a few times. I asked him if I had stated my real age on my dating profile, would he have contacted me? He said, "No, I only date younger women." Why? “They look better.” Even though my photos were current? “No, because I’d have assumed they were old photos since no one looks that good at your age!”

 

And that, members of the jury, is why I always lie about my age. I rest my case!

 

When I did OLD, I'd lie on the age on top, but state my real age somewhere in the text... next to the pics, I'd say when they were taken. That seemed to work. Got me through the initial filters. All that just so I could meet men MY OWN AGE... is the pathetic part. So glad to be out of THAT mess.

 

In real life, I'm not sure how old guys think I am and I don't really care. I DO care that guys seem to be embarrassed to be dating women who are older than them, even a year or two... and if so, have to claim (for the sake of their egos) that isn't serious blah blah. Big heads up guys....Any of my male friends who do that don't get recommended by me to single women I know... of any age.

 

I'm tempted to lie not to save MY ego, but to save theirs... so they can feel special or sumthin'. They got someone hot AND younger than them (wink). I say tempted, because it annoyed me when my previous boyfriend didn't let me make that decision. TBH, I think his friend could have benefitted from a dose of reality...

 

Especially since I know for sure I could kick his butt in running and climbing... and I'm sure I could outrace him on my motorcycle too (but I don't speed...hee, hee)

 

But whatever....

Edited February 18, 2013 by RedRobin

[silvermercy]

When I did OLD, I'd lie on the age on top, but state my real age somewhere in the text... next to the pics, I'd say when they were taken. That seemed to work. Got me through the initial filters. All that just so I could meet men MY OWN AGE... is the pathetic part. So glad to be out of THAT mess.

That's so pathetic of them, isn't it!? I've noticed that, too, many times.

Even though I still haven't lied about my age on OLD I tend to avoid older men who have set their acceptable age range for women to be much lower than them. I don't care how good they look.

For example 45 year old man wanting to date only 21-35 year olds. Even though I'm within his acceptable age range that's a huuuuge red flag. You mean a 37 year old is not acceptable for you but a 21 year old, more than half your age, is!? You could be her dad. Gimme a break...

[RedRobin]

That's a relief. Women very often try to hook you up with uglier and more pathetic versions of themselves. Matching you up with a catch would bruise their ego. Even having a catch as a friend bruises their ego.

 

I dunno about that... I helped one of my ex-BFs find his current girlfriend. She's beautiful and very sweet. She puts up with crap I'd never put up with from him... so they are a better match.

 

... but I only perform that 'service' for nice blokes with good values...

 

The guy I just broke up with... I won't be helping him line up dates. I thought about trying to be just friends with him, but I can't say I really like him that much as a person... so... no.

[TheBigQuestion]

That's a relief. Women very often try to hook you up with uglier and more pathetic versions of themselves. Matching you up with a catch would bruise their ego. Even having a catch as a friend bruises their ego.

 

This actually reminds me of a girl I was good friends with at the tail-end of college up until a few months ago. Our friendship trailed off because it became increasingly apparent that she is a genuinely miserable person who hates herself and people who she perceives as "prettier" than her. We were sexually involved a few times in a casual manner, then mutually decided that it would be better if we didn't hook up anymore. She then volunteered to play matchmaker for me. She was friends with a girl who I thought was a complete knockout, and who apparently thought I was good-looking too. Not only did she never actually put in a good word with her, but she also failed to do so with anyone else (which she periodically said she would do because she always thought me and girls X, Y, and Z would be "perfect together"). And all this after I actually introduced one of my friends to her who she ended up dating for almost a year. Long story short, I hooked her up, she did not return the favor. It became increasingly apparent why; I expressed interest in all of her "pretty" friends (which in her head actually meant everyone she knows, so it's not like I could have won anyway), and she simply wouldn't stand for it. This happens a lot. I unfortunately have come across very few women who actually live up to their claims of wanting to play matchmaker for a guy. A lot of it has to do with the fact that the woman trying to play matchmaker has a bruised ego, unless it's someone who she perceives as in some way or another being lesser than her.

[RedRobin]

That's so pathetic of them, isn't it!? I've noticed that, too, many times.

Even though I still haven't lied about my age on OLD I tend to avoid older men who have set their acceptable age range for women to be much lower than them. I don't care how good they look.

For example 45 year old man wanting to date only 21-35 year olds. Even though I'm within his acceptable age range that's a huuuuge red flag. You mean a 37 year old is not acceptable for you but a 21 year old, more than half your age, is!? You could be her dad. Gimme a break...

 

that is one thing I don't miss about OLD.

 

What is hilarious is when guys like the ones you mention would post to me about how attractive I am, even when I am out of their stated age range... like they are doing me a big fat favor by anointing me with their presence, ha ha... and I'm supposed to be flattered.

 

Even funnier when I didn't respond and then they get REALLY bent out of shape.... like I'm supposed to be desperate AND flattered.

 

Jeez, I seriously don't miss OLD.

 

I made a point of not contacting or returning emails from men whose age range preferences were very skewed, no matter if it included their own age or not. Wasn't interested in being their back up plan or fall-back girl. When I see it in real life, I avoid them too.

 

These are guys who are more interested in women for 'show' than anything else and I simply can't be bothered to waste my time with them.

 

When I saw that tendency in the guy I was dating recently, I dumped him.

[RedRobin]

You say this as if people can't get their own dates and your "favor" is a matter of being in a relationship or datelessness.

 

I'd say having a positive recommendation within one's social circle certainly carries a lot of weight... yes.

 

Having and being a sincere and loyal friend is a joy in life.... yes, and that carries over to many other aspects of life... including longetivity of relationships and ability to find the best mates.

[RedRobin]

This actually reminds me of a girl I was good friends with at the tail-end of college up until a few months ago. Our friendship trailed off because it became increasingly apparent that she is a genuinely miserable person who hates herself and people who she perceives as "prettier" than her. We were sexually involved a few times in a casual manner, then mutually decided that it would be better if we didn't hook up anymore. She then volunteered to play matchmaker for me. She was friends with a girl who I thought was a complete knockout, and who apparently thought I was good-looking too. Not only did she never actually put in a good word with her, but she also failed to do so with anyone else (which she periodically said she would do because she always thought me and girls X, Y, and Z would be "perfect together"). And all this after I actually introduced one of my friends to her who she ended up dating for almost a year. Long story short, I hooked her up, she did not return the favor. It became increasingly apparent why; I expressed interest in all of her "pretty" friends (which in her head actually meant everyone she knows, so it's not like I could have won anyway), and she simply wouldn't stand for it. This happens a lot. I unfortunately have come across very few women who actually live up to their claims of wanting to play matchmaker for a guy. A lot of it has to do with the fact that the woman trying to play matchmaker has a bruised ego, unless it's someone who she perceives as in some way or another being lesser than her.

 

Well, I have to say... true friends are hard to find in either gender.

 

Had you considered that maybe this girl you mentioned didn't want her friends to be used for casual fun? Is that the vibe you give off?

 

Because I know for a fact that my ex-BF is looking to get married and his intentions are serious. He deserves to be happy. That is why I helped him. He's been a true friend to me now for many years (we stopped dating in 2008).

 

I would never help collect bait for some loser trying to score...

 

... anyway, we are way off topic...

[TheBigQuestion]

Well, I have to say... true friends are hard to find in either gender.

 

Had you considered that maybe this girl you mentioned didn't want her friends to be used for casual fun? Is that the vibe you give off?

 

Because I know for a fact that my ex-BF is looking to get married and his intentions are serious. He deserves to be happy. That is why I helped him. He's been a true friend to me now for many years (we stopped dating in 2008).

 

I would never help collect bait for some loser trying to score...

 

... anyway, we are way off topic...

 

I've followed your recent posts and also remember your overall posting history. I know that you think it is just about impossible for any woman to actually WANT casual sex, probably because you, for your own reasons, have a strong aversion to it. You couldn't be more wrong. No, it isn't as common for women to be into casual sex, but it is still extraordinarily easy to find women who, for their own valid reasons, want just that type of arrangement and aren't being manipulated into it. They're not damaged for wanting that type of arrangement, and neither is a man. Maybe when you stop framing interactions between men and women as a predator-prey relationship (an inaccurate and reprehensible viewpoint), you'd probably get less opposition from people who post here. The fact that you think that men who aren't into committed relationships are automatically "losers" (when in fact they may just as likely have their lives more together than you do) indicates to me that you're incapable of having a rational conversation about the scenario I described above.

 

I don't remember if I gave off the vibe of being into "casual fun" only, and even if I did, I don't see that as a negative thing. Knowing what I know about my former friend's psychological profile though, I can assure you that she was the type of person whose own insecurities would get the best of her and color her decisions way before any concern she might have over one of her friends having *shockgaspwow* CASUAL SEX.

[RedRobin]

I've followed your recent posts and also remember your overall posting history. I know that you think it is just about impossible for any woman to actually WANT casual sex, probably because you, for your own reasons, have a strong aversion to it. You couldn't be more wrong. No, it isn't as common for women to be into casual sex, but it is still extraordinarily easy to find women who, for their own valid reasons, want just that type of arrangement and aren't being manipulated into it. They're not damaged for wanting that type of arrangement, and neither is a man. Maybe when you stop framing interactions between men and women as a predator-prey relationship (an inaccurate and reprehensible viewpoint), you'd probably get less opposition from people who post here. The fact that you think that men who aren't into committed relationships are automatically "losers" (when in fact they may just as likely have their lives more together than you do) indicates to me that you're incapable of having a rational conversation about the scenario I described above.

 

I don't remember if I gave off the vibe of being into "casual fun" only, and even if I did, I don't see that as a negative thing. Knowing what I know about my former friend's psychological profile though, I can assure you that she was the type of person whose own insecurities would get the best of her and color her decisions way before any concern she might have over one of her friends having *shockgaspwow* CASUAL SEX.

 

You'll have to pardon me. All of the successful, well-off, happy people I know in real life are married, in committed long-term relationships, or are looking for one.

 

I do recognize that some people go through phases where they are looking for something casual... or end up in something casual due to inexperience in the dating world.

 

However, those arrangements tend to be drama causing and create a lot of chaos... for one or both parties... which is why you likely won't find guys like Bill Gates trolling bars for dates and he never did. They have better things to do with their time. Capeesh?

 

But you answered my question. Thank you!

[pteromom]

OMG! I think people are seriously over-reacting here and going over the top, they could make you lose a possible great match if you take their advice!

She obviously has grown up with the mantra "a woman never tells her real age and whoever asks is rude". I have, too! That's still an extremely common occurrence in many parts of the world! I know because I still live with it and it seems I'm much younger than her! So for her, the feeling must be even more intense.

 

Seriously, OP, don't listen to all the nay-sayers who have already branded her as a filthy untrustworthy demented liar. What do they know? How about you give her a chance at least? Then you'll be able to have a more balanced opinion.

 

This!

 

It COULD be that her refusal to disclose her age is indication that she has major insecurities and issues.

 

Or it COULD be that she was just raised to keep her age private.

 

The only way you'll know for sure is to date her and gather more information about her.

 

I think that refusing to disclose age is silly, but have known people who take it seriously.

[xxoo]

OP, you really liked this woman at first. Are you going to see her again? Or has the secretiveness about her age dampened your enthusiasm?

 

Would her age matter, either way? Meaning, could she give a truthful answer that would result in you not wanting to date her?

[TheBigQuestion]

You'll have to pardon me. All of the successful, well-off, happy people I know in real life are married, in committed long-term relationships, or are looking for one.

 

I do recognize that some people go through phases where they are looking for something casual... or end up in something casual due to inexperience in the dating world.

 

However, those arrangements tend to be drama causing and create a lot of chaos... for one or both parties... which is why you likely won't find guys like Bill Gates trolling bars for dates and he never did. They have better things to do with their time. Capeesh?

 

But you answered my question. Thank you!

 

This is hilarious. You cite one famous, successful person as an example of a guy who "didn't troll bars for dates" (which you really can't verify) and try to deduce from that the conclusion that people who don't prefer committed relationships are not doing anything worthwhile with their time. That makes no sense whatsoever when you take into account the enormous amounts of people who eschew committed relationships while having a singular, almost obsessive focus on achieving a goal (i.e. Olympic athletes), or who are simply trying to further their own careers before settling down. Regardless of your own limited, close-minded opinion, women of all ages are perfectly capable of making sound, rational decisions on what types of relations they want to engage in with the opposite sex. The stereotypical scenario of the big, bad Lothario playing on the emotions of the poor widdle innocent woman and "using" her for sex is actually a rare phenomenon. You may not realize it, but you're actually infantilizing women by implying that casual sex-type relationships are borne of inexperience and/or frustrate the woman's self-interest. Additionally, it is awfully presumptuous of you to state that men who choose to avoid committed relationships and marriage are less well-adjusted than married or committed men. You might have an argument if you were talking about involuntarily celibate men as opposed to men who intentionally conduct their sex lives so as to have no strings attached, but alas, you were not.

[TheBigQuestion]

Back to the OP:

 

Hiding your age reeks of both (1) insecurity and (2) being unable to break free from societal influence that you realize is irrational and/or against your interests. Any woman who (1) has reached her 40s and hasn't overcome insecurities about appearance or who still is affected by her family telling her to never reveal her full age and (2) lies about her age on dating sites and then refuses to let her guard down when you've already gotten it out of her that she is older than her stated age, is simply not worth dating. Dishonesty about crap that doesn't matter should be an instant dealbreaker for any self-respecting man.

[silvermercy]

Back to the OP:

Dishonesty about crap that doesn't matter should be an instant dealbreaker for any self-respecting man.

But that's what people are trying to point out in this thread. For many women it IS a huge deal to reveal their age regardless of the reasons that led to that. That's the NORM. At least it is in my part of the world. Men know that and tread very carefully in such territory. Because they know it's the NORM.

 

Besides, as already pointed out before, many older men of, say, 40, 50, even 60+ years in OLD will state their age preference to a max of 29 or 35 if you're lucky.

 

And I don't see how it is dishonesty when you talk to a total STRANGER. For example, I don't give my job or salary details to strangers either, only after I get to know them quite well.

Edited February 18, 2013 by silvermercy

[RedRobin]

Back to the OP:

 

Hiding your age reeks of both (1) insecurity and (2) being unable to break free from societal influence that you realize is irrational and/or against your interests. Any woman who (1) has reached her 40s and hasn't overcome insecurities about appearance or who still is affected by her family telling her to never reveal her full age and (2) lies about her age on dating sites and then refuses to let her guard down when you've already gotten it out of her that she is older than her stated age, is simply not worth dating. Dishonesty about crap that doesn't matter should be an instant dealbreaker for any self-respecting man.

 

Alot of these guys aren't respecting anything but their crotch. A lifestyle you support, sounds like.

 

I respect any woman who can find creative ways to encourage these men show their true colors while still maintaining her integrity. Which this woman has. The guys here don't like it because it works and because it thwarts their efforts to bin women.

 

When the OP is ready to bring his pay stub and a credit report to his first date, we'll call it 'even'. Why doesn't he try that? Seriously. They can then both have a good laugh over societal norms and standards.

[xxoo]

Why are you so certain he would "bin" her if she shared her age?

[RedRobin]

Why are you so certain he would "bin" her if she shared her age?

 

Because he already has... so have most of the other male posters here, sounds like.

 

If he wasn't desperate to put her into some kind of category, he wouldn't care.

 

People don't tend to have a habit of grilling others on things they don't care about. He obviously does. Care, that is. He ought to do some soul searching and ask himself why... and no, not the lame "liar, liar pants on fire" excuse.

 

but the tougher one of why it bothers him to potentially date a woman who is older than him.... because that is really the root of this. I imagine he is uncomfortable with it. Maybe a reasonable solution is for him to say "if you are older than this age (fill in the blank) I'm not interested in dating you"... and be done with it.

 

He must have a real cutoff somewhere... just fess up.

[xxoo]

This particular poster has posted many times about older women he was attracted to. This thread is one example, where he was essentially rejected by a woman a decade older.

 

It is just a very normal question, along the lines of "what do you do for a living"....and when someone refuses to answer, yes, people start to wonder why! It's odd.