RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 This particular poster has posted many times about older women he was attracted to. This thread is one example, where he was essentially rejected by a woman a decade older. It is just a very normal question, along the lines of "what do you do for a living"....and when someone refuses to answer, yes, people start to wonder why! It's odd. I wasn't aware of this poster's dating history. I've refused to answer age related questions myself in some interesting situations because I don't find them relevant AND I've learned over time that both men and women who ask are usually not doing so in order to be friendly and make conversation. In times I went along with it... I learned after the fact they are pushing an agenda I had no idea I was being made a part of... and they needed to use me to prop themselves up in some way or shield their own insecurities. Meh... just easier to reject question like these and let them go on their merry way comparing themselves to others and binning. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Maybe that is why a person would ask. But there are other reasons, too. Maybe he just wanted to know (normal getting-to-know-you question), and it only became The Elephant when she got weird about it. Otherwise he would have just been impressed about how great she looks. Maybe the best response is "why do you want to know?" ....but then listen to the reason, and decide whether or not to share are based on the answer rather than presumptions. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Maybe the best response is "why do you want to know?" ....but then listen to the reason, and decide whether or not to share are based on the answer rather than presumptions. Sure, that would be another way to manage that. I've also done something similar. However, what has worked best for me is just laugh when asked and tell them I'm 'ancient' or something else silly. That usually stops the questions and the topic moves on to something else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I sometimes lie to people when they say my outfit is FABULOUS and WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?! I like to shop at thrift stores. Lots of people in my social circle have a 'yuck' factor about it though. So I fudge and say, oh, a little shop in Chicago (might have been the Goodwill in Chicago, who knows?!) My friends (male and female) commonly peg me for shopping adventures. Does that make me a bad person? that I lie about where I shop? ha ha LOVE this song. Guess it is cool now... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I sometimes lie to people when they say my outfit is FABULOUS and WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?! Grrr! That is my pet peeve. I started lying after a coworker complimented me on a top I was wearing and asked where I had bought it. I told her. She came in the next day wearing the same top! But according to LoveShackers, lying is far worse than murder. I suppose now I will have to confess my clothing sin (above) to the next man I date or he'll dump me for being dishonest. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm a proud thrift shopper. No shame in my game. I enjoy challenging people's preconceptions, be it about thrift shops, age, or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm a proud thrift shopper. No shame in my game. I enjoy challenging people's preconceptions, be it about thrift shops, age, or whatever. Completely agree. I don't give a s**t about narrow minded preconceptions anyway and if someone is that way inclined I lose interest fast. I dated some amazing guys in my time and that's because they were adventurous and didn't give a toss about what anyone else thought. Very refreshing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Grrr! That is my pet peeve. I started lying after a coworker complimented me on a top I was wearing and asked where I had bought it. I told her. She came in the next day wearing the same top! Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! why mea culpa? I've always dreamed of having my own fan club, it seems you've started before me ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author irc333 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Right, there's another woman I met on the POF, we only became friends because she had intimacy issues, get this SHE lied about her age, too. And get this, I've known her for several months, and she STILL won't tell me her real age. I think it all happened when she asked my age, and I said, "I thought you saw my profile?" and she goes, "well, I can't remember now" and I said I was 40, and she's like "Wow you're young!" And I do remember she was the exact same age as me....and her expression lead me to believe she was older, and I go, "You're 40, right?" and she said, "Well, no....I'm not" and I go "How old ARE you?" She refused to tell, when I pressed the issue, she got annoyed with me. This was even hanging out with her quite a few times. Oh, and get this, she lit up a cigarette a few months into our friendship, even though she put she was a "non-smoker". Took some time for her true colors to show, she couldn't hold off the nicotine forever. lol. Back to the OP: Hiding your age reeks of both (1) insecurity and (2) being unable to break free from societal influence that you realize is irrational and/or against your interests. Any woman who (1) has reached her 40s and hasn't overcome insecurities about appearance or who still is affected by her family telling her to never reveal her full age and (2) lies about her age on dating sites and then refuses to let her guard down when you've already gotten it out of her that she is older than her stated age, is simply not worth dating. Dishonesty about crap that doesn't matter should be an instant dealbreaker for any self-respecting man. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm a proud thrift shopper. No shame in my game. I enjoy challenging people's preconceptions, be it about thrift shops, age, or whatever. I enjoy challenging people's preconceptions when the time is right... Otherwise, I have bigger fish to fry. I'm not ashamed... I just don't feel the need to prove anything to them. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Right, there's another woman I met on the POF, we only became friends because she had intimacy issues, get this SHE lied about her age, too. And get this, I've known her for several months, and she STILL won't tell me her real age. I think it all happened when she asked my age, and I said, "I thought you saw my profile?" and she goes, "well, I can't remember now" and I said I was 40, and she's like "Wow you're young!" And I do remember she was the exact same age as me....and her expression lead me to believe she was older, and I go, "You're 40, right?" and she said, "Well, no....I'm not" and I go "How old ARE you?" She refused to tell, when I pressed the issue, she got annoyed with me. This was even hanging out with her quite a few times. Oh, and get this, she lit up a cigarette a few months into our friendship, even though she put she was a "non-smoker". Took some time for her true colors to show, she couldn't hold off the nicotine forever. lol. Why do you give a sh*t what her age is unless you are the one with the insecurities? She was annoyed because it sounds like you need something to hold over her head and she didn't trust you. Maybe you give off vibes that you aren't trustworthy. Ever thought of that? ... anyway, you need to accept responsibility for the fact that you continue seeing these women even when you don't know their age. You either need to stop seeing them if it bugs you that much and their age is so important to you... or you need to be ok waiting for them to trust you. Edited February 19, 2013 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Why do you give a sh*t what her age is unless you are the one with the insecurities? Haven't you said that you will only date close to your age? Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Haven't you said that you will only date close to your age? yep. But I don't ask men's age, nor would I press them. Same goes for lots of things. I allow people to volunteer. It would come out in the context of our conversations what I consider important and why. That is how you build trust. Pressing people and feeling entitled puts up walls. He's allowed to have his preferences. He's NOT entitled to information that people don't want to share.. She didn't lie. Before their first date, she gave him the option of not seeing her if age was important to him. If it bugs him that much that the women he dates might be older, then he can stop seeing them. Or he can share with them what his absolute age limit is and let them decide to walk if they are outside of it. Obviously the age limit he's putting on his profiles isn't absolute, otherwise he wouldn't agree to meet them. Edited February 19, 2013 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 If it bugs him that much that the women he dates might be older, then he can stop seeing them. Or he can share with them what his absolute age limit is and let them decide to walk if they are outside of it. Obviously the age limit he's putting on his profiles isn't absolute, otherwise he wouldn't agree to meet them. I don't understand why age preference bugs you though? Everyone has them. I'm guessing you wouldn't date a 90 year-old or someone only 5 feet tall? Both are extremes but it's just a matter of where you draw the line, no? I don't understand what's wrong with preferences. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) I don't understand why age preference bugs you though? Everyone has them. I'm guessing you wouldn't date a 90 year-old or someone only 5 feet tall? Both are extremes but it's just a matter of where you draw the line, no? I don't understand what's wrong with preferences. He's allowed to have his preferences. He could have chosen not to see her once she told him she was older than her profile. What I'm objecting to is her being painted as a liar (she isn't). He's annoyed that she won't tell him and seems to think he's entitled... to the point of ignoring anything else about her. This could be over anything... it just so happens to be something that guys especially seem to be very precise about the age of women they date because THEY feel their manhood is in question if they aren't walking around with a younger woman.... it has nothing to do with her. Smart women know how to navigate around such men. Anyway, this is why I can't stand OLD. Yuck. Edited February 19, 2013 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
e40 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Why do you give a sh*t what her age is unless you are the one with the insecurities? She was annoyed because it sounds like you need something to hold over her head and she didn't trust you. Maybe you give off vibes that you aren't trustworthy. Ever thought of that? ... anyway, you need to accept responsibility for the fact that you continue seeing these women even when you don't know their age. You either need to stop seeing them if it bugs you that much and their age is so important to you... or you need to be ok waiting for them to trust you. Who was it that lied? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 What I'm objecting to is her being painted as a liar (she isn't). Yes she is. She admitted to lying about her age. While given her modelling background it's understandable - as I explained it to the OP - she is still someone who takes the easy way out when something is difficult for her. It's hard to trust people like that. Completely understand the OP's concern. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Who was it that lied? When he's ready to bring his paycheck, a tape measure, and credit report with him on a first date, I'll let you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author irc333 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 What I'm objecting to is her being painted as a liar (she isn't) In what world is she lying about her age? Stay on topic please. Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Lying is lying is lying is WRONG. As a start of a relationship? No way. I'd be pissed if a guy did that. I'm not going to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Yes she is. She admitted to lying about her age. While given her modelling background it's understandable - as I explained it to the OP - she is still someone who takes the easy way out when something is difficult for her. It's hard to trust people like that. Completely understand the OP's concern. ... on the initial profile. Yes... but before they met. I bet there are things he's fudging about too. Yet he feels entitled to an answer about this... mostly to satisfy his ego. What a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 And the profile is a lie. Refusing to tell? Maybe not a lie but still just a little friggin insane. I would back away and not turn back, myself. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 In what world is she lying about her age? Stay on topic please. Great. Then you solved the debate. She isn't lying about her age. If you don't like not knowing, then just move on. Does that answer your question? I think many people have answered the question why women don't share their ages. Same reason you aren't showing up to a first date with a tape measure, your pay stub, and a credit report. Imagine how you'd feel if a woman insisted you do that. Link to post Share on other sites
e40 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 When he's ready to bring his paycheck, a tape measure, and credit report with him on a first date, I'll let you know. You didn't answer the question. She lied about her age and smoking habits. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 And the profile is a lie. Refusing to tell? Maybe not a lie but still just a little friggin insane. I would back away and not turn back, myself. Not insane at all. People choose to keep all kinds of things to themselves... for lots of reasons. But you are right... you don't have to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
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