DBUK Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Hello, I've used this site numerous times over the last year or so due to problems that I had with my girlfriend. The problems arose basically because I went out one night and ending up recieiving oral from a stranger. Now i was absolutly gutted about what I had done and I told my g/f and we are currently working through it... Anyway, I've noticed that a majority on this board, is quite willing to say 'Once a cheater always a cheater' when people are asking to be forgiven, or asking if they should forgive. Obviously these 'do-gooders' all believe that once you cheat, you should be deemed to be a cheater for the rest of your life and that you should never ever be allowed in a relationship again as you cannot be trusted. Well here is my view.... I beleive that I can be trusted now MORE than 99% of people who have not cheated. I believe this because I know and my g/f know what strains and effect it has on both us individualy and as a couple. We have had to work so hard during the past few months and both of us know 100% that I or she will never do it again. All i'm asking for is when people come on these boards asking for help, forgivness and advice on whether to forgive or not, please don't use the line 'Once a cheater always a cheater' becasue you can't say that about people you just don't know. If the cheater is willing to change his ways and the cheated on can forgive and understand what went wrong, I see no reason why a relationship can't be stronger than it was before. David Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I think you're right that there's a difference between someone who makes a foolish mistake and a serial cheater. Serial cheaters tend to have a very different thought pattern, one that rationalizes and justifies their regular deceptions through a sort of delusional thinking that denies the commitment they've made any real power / significance. Someone who makes a foolish mistake has had a lapse in judgment, one that was grounded in selfish, short-term thoughts that are dispelled by a fear of long-term loss. But, having cheated and felt badly about it doesn't necessarily make you less likely to cheat than someone who's never cheated before. Many people feel an absolute barrier to cheating and don't cross that line. It could, however, make you less likely to cheat again. You will remember how badly this feels and avoid that pain, since you've taken your lapse pretty hard. Although working through this with your gf may help you to get to know one another better and ultimately improve your bond, it will -- for a significant amount of time (sometimes it takes years) -- detract from your relationship because your gf cannot now trust you or think of you as only into her as she did before. Don't avoid that fact. She can't help it -- you'll have to keep reassuring her. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by DBUK If the cheater is willing to change his ways and the cheated on can forgive and understand what went wrong, I see no reason why a relationship can't be stronger than it was before. David Don't see how this will make the relationship stronger. Was there ever a problem with the relationship to begin with? If yes, then is cheating the remedy? I agree we shouldn't bash first time "offenders" but what the cheater has to concentrate on is what was the cause for them to do it in the first place then how to avoid that from happening again. Just saying what you did was wrong and it will never happend again, won't solve the problem. Analyze what happend that day and figure out how not to be in that situation again. Good luck.. Link to post Share on other sites
DBUK Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 There was never anything wrong in the relationship, things were going great. I just happened to make a mistake in thinking (not thinking straight as i was slightly drunk) that i could do it and nobody wouldever need to know. I personally feel that my relationship is stronger now than it was before. I say this just becasue before my girlfriend was pretty sure I would never cheat on her, now, she knows I will never do it again just becasue it almost put me into depression. And she knows i never wanna go there again. Just saying what you did was wrong and it will never happend again, won't solve the problem. This is not what i did....i begged for forgivness, i promised never to do it again, and i showed my g/f how much i really loved her. David Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 It's not the cheating per se that's the problem, but the fact you were in the position to be tempted. I go out with my gal friends a lot, we go dancing, or having dinner and some of them do not have bf. But I do not put myself in the position to tell a guy " hey, I'm taken". It is not necessary to be a serial cheater. Of course, it depends on the relationship, but in my case, one cheating is enough to end a relationship. The fact that the other person was selfish enough to think of thier own needs and not at us, at my feelings... For in the end, of course the attraction wears off. All women will in the end have wrinkles and will get old. And if the man, when she's young and not married cannot be faithfull... then what's gonna happen later? It is not a problem of trust, DBUK, I am sure that you are most trustworthy now than you were before. It is a matter of respect. Deep down, you looked down to her, you did not respect her enough... I wish she forgives you and you two end up happily together... if not, at least learn from this experience as much as you can. Curly Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by DBUK There was never anything wrong in the relationship, things were going great. I just happened to make a mistake in thinking (not thinking straight as i was slightly drunk) that i could do it and nobody wouldever need to know. It couldn't have been going that great if you felt the desire to be with someone else. I personally feel that my relationship is stronger now than it was before. I say this just becasue before my girlfriend was pretty sure I would never cheat on her, now, she knows I will never do it again just becasue it almost put me into depression. And she knows i never wanna go there again. Like you said, that is how you feel but where as before your GF had complete faith in you, you now have placed doubt on your GF. The relationship may feel stronger to you but to her, the relationship has lost it's foundation which is trust. That is something you both have to work on to regain the trust. This is not what i did....i begged for forgivness, i promised never to do it again, and i showed my g/f how much i really loved her. David That's my point. You JUST promised never to do it again but you haven't really analyzed what was the cause in the first place. Saying that you will never do it again will not solve the problem. Saying this is the steps I will take so that I am never in that position again is the step in the right direction. Like CurlyIam said, it's not the cheating but the fact that you were in a position to be tempted. Final line - Learn from this. I do hope you two work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 It couldn't have been going that great if you felt the desire to be with someone else. Ask any wife that's been cheated on-I think some may disagree. I think quite a bit of cheating is simply opportunity knocking. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Ask any wife that's been cheated on-I think some may disagree. I think quite a bit of cheating is simply opportunity knocking. Wasn't speaking from the W or GF's point. He said that the relationship was going great for him but he still strayed. If in his mind it was simply an opportunity then he has an entirely diffrent problem then instead of making a simple mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 A position to be tempted: not a place, but a state of mind. The " considering your opportunities" state of mind. Opportunity is knocking all the time, from the chance of meeting a beautifull woman in your class, at your favourite cafe to crowdy clubs with loud music and bad cocktails... It's not the going to parties alone, it's not even starting conversation with attractive people... Opportunity is everywhere, even more these days when one meets lots of people on daily basis. Temptation is part of our life. How you handle it is part of who you decide to be. Your pesonal touch in a chaotic life. Mind you, I am not talking about right or wrong... The key question here is if you're gonna think about it. it's easy to minimise its importance and say " I'm not gonna do it again" and sleep soundly... when I was with my ex I kissed other men and didn't tell him... regardless, it haunted me and we almost broke up. We did break up a while, got back together and in the end we split up. There were other reasons, but the truth is that the physical attraction between us was not strong enough to sustain a relationship... anyway, not the one we wanted... So I ended up staying two more years with a guy I wasn't meant to be... David, think think think. Even if it means hurting her, be honest with yourself and her. I don't believe that all men are sexual animals who jump on every occasion they see... Don't take it lightly... Cheers, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
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