- Date has turned into ice woman

[LampLighter]

Try to keep this brief:

 

Ive been 'dating' this girl for ~2 months now. She has recently been sending me very mixed messages. Initially it was obvious she was extremely interested. Texting regularly, going on dates (~2/week), having incredible sex (had sex on the first date). We essentially have sex every time we see each other, physical attraction to each other is through the roof. We have several mutual friends. All are extremely positive on the relationship and some mention they always thought we would end up together. Fast fwd to 6 weeks into the relationship: I was leaving town for 10 days and let her know this. She said she wanted to see me before I left. We went on a date later that week, everything went smashingly. The next night she started texting me and mentioned she wanted to see me again (night before i left). She came over, we slept together, twice, and i left on my trip the next afternoon. I was then out of the country for 10 days and didnt contact her (thinking my absence would only increase her level of infatuation).

 

BUTTTT, since ive been back things have been somewhat different. We dont text as regularly as we used to. IE I will send her a text and she will wait 24 hours to respond. Ive been back for ~2 weeks now and have been sensing her pushing away. Last week we messaged minimally (she would take 24 hours to respond), strange enough we partied friday night, and went on a date Saturday night (she stayed at my house till 7PM the next day). Then i don't hear from her for 3 days, so i send a quick comical/inside joke text. We banter back and forth and i ask her if she wants to hangout this weekend, she is of course busy, but will let me know if anything falls through. Wondering what to do? Ive fallen very hard for this girl but dont want to come off as needy. Ive never tried to table a serious relationship conversation as i know she wants to take it slow. My intuition is telling me to back off and let her initiate contact. I typically have been the aggressor in setting up dates, etc. Any advice is appreciated...I really want this woman badly and feel as though im losing her.

 

Background info: She is a drop dead 10, really well educated and extremely outgoing (26 year old). So obviously competition is stiff. I would also consider myself a 10, well educated, outgoing (25 year old).

[PhoenixRysing]

Just based on the information you posted here, you have gotten yourself into a game of chicken - which you started! Why on earth would you be nuts about a girl, sleep with her, and then go MIA for 10 days? I can't speak for her, but if I felt good enough about a guy to do all the things she has done with you and then you distanced yourself from me like that, I would feel pretty used. I would also feel like regardless of how much I liked you that I needed to pull back since your 10 day sabbatical would make me think that it was "obvious he isn't that into me."

 

Honestly, if you like her a much as you say you do, you need to close the door on the hard to get game that you opened. Go after her, tell her how you feel, and apologize for your distancing technique.

 

You may have already blown your chance if she is as awesome as you say, but I would say going strong and not playing games is the only way to find out at this point. Good luck.

[clia]

If you want her so badly, why haven't you asked her to be your girlfriend?

 

Look at this from her perspective. You two are "dating," things seem to be moving forward, you are having sex, seeing each other more frequently...all good.

 

Then you leave for ten freaking days and don't even send her a text message? Because you thought ignoring her would make her miss you? Um...no...lol. It probably pissed her right off. That's a long time.

 

You may have a chance to redeem yourself, but you will have to do the pursuing and the initiating. Your behavior has probably lessened her interest in you quite a bit. It just isn't real impressive.

[KathyM]

Sounds to me like she has an interest in someone else and that is why she's not so eager to meet or respond to you anymore. Either that, or she's playing a hard-to-get game thinking that's going to somehow improve or maintain your desire for her. A third possibility is that she thought the relationship was moving too fast and she wanted to cool it down a bit. Could be either of the three.

[Art_Critic]

If you want her so badly, why haven't you asked her to be your girlfriend?

 

Look at this from her perspective. You two are "dating," things seem to be moving forward, you are having sex, seeing each other more frequently...all good.

 

Then you leave for ten freaking days and don't even send her a text message? Because you thought ignoring her would make her miss you? Um...no...lol. It probably pissed her right off. That's a long time.

 

You may have a chance to redeem yourself, but you will have to do the pursuing and the initiating. Your behavior has probably lessened her interest in you quite a bit. It just isn't real impressive.

 

Yeah... and since you treated her like a FWB instead of someone you care about she has starting dating someone else

 

If I were you and you think she is worth it then you need to show her you care, have a talk with her and find out where she stands.

[MidwestUSA]

Ten days no contact? Yep, enough for her to feel used. You shouldn't be shocked if she's moved on.

[mortensorchid]

If you want to be with her, then TELL HER somehow. Tell her that you like her and you want her to be your girlfriend. Otherwise she is left hanging. If you don't, then she will move onto other things.

[CptSaveAho]

Of course all the girls and nice guys say 10 days is too long... LOL

 

You let her know the deal, she accepted it and hung out after you got back.

 

Let it simmer a few days. Let her initiate contact with you and then ask her out immediately and then shut up until the date

 

If she doesnt contact you, you have your answer... to me it just sounds like shes looking for a FWB and having fun so going distant will help both of you

 

I personally wouldn't "date/fall" for someone that slept with me on the first date. That's just FWB material

 

PS Dont say crap/tell her your feelings/want her as a girlfriend.... she will go superdistant... again ask for a date/plan it/ go silent/ then execute

[neveragain34]

Did you at least bring her a present from your trip after ignoring her for ten days??? She probably thought you guys were headed somewhere serious and when you went MIA she reevaluated the situation and probably came to the conclusion that you weren't on the same page as her so now she's stepping back. If I were you, I'd discuss exclusivity ASAP in case she was having any doubts. Maybe you can save yourself by saying something like "being away for 10 days really made me realize how much I enjoy my time with you. I don't really care to see anyone else anymore. How do you feel about that?"

[LampLighter]

I appreciate all the candid responses. It appears i have missed some details in the original post. At the start of the relationship she said she wasn't looking for anything serious and didnt want a bf. I have been very cognizant of taking it 'slow', which unfortunately makes me somewhat insecure. We dont really talk about 'us' too much and it does feel somewhat like FWB. Having said that, after we have sex we will lay in bed all day, kissing, cuddling, joking, fooling around, talking, staring into each others eyes, all the stuff a romantic 'exclusive' relationship has. She will immeditely text me right after dates and have light convo, typically ending in: 'I had a great time with you tonight, thanks for everything '. Also, she will sometimes say, "This is crazy. You know, who would have ever thought the two of us would be here." Which i will try to amplify into more of an exclusivity talk or bf/gf discussion. Frustrating thing is she immediately stifles that by walking away or re-directing the conversation or saying, "you scare me sometimes" (I interpret that as I'm moving too fast).

 

I know for a fact there is no way i can or will have the bf/gf talk. She doesnt want that now, i dont want that now. All i want is her to be herself and less distant. It doesn't appear i will see her this weekend, although i havent messaged her since 5PM yesterday(waiting for her to text...FYI it feels like im building this game now). Im just on the fence with how i should play this...i feel as though i have been the aggressor and i want her to show me something. When were together its undeniable our connection, we cant stay off each other; but, when were apart there is this cold, distant feeling (few messages).

 

Whats my play? Do I act aloof and wait for her to message me? Do I create some funny loose banter with her today? The frustrating thing is i dont want to play games, but am scared that she may just want something light at this point in her life (FWB). Its so crazy how much my emotions have evolved for this woman in the past two weeks...I cant stop thinking about her, and im typically not an emotional guy. I feel extremely vulnerable, but want her sooooooooo bad.

 

FYI: As for the trip, it wasnt as if i was still in town and didnt contact her, i was out of town on business.

[RebelWithoutACause]

 

. Its so crazy how much my emotions have evolved for this woman in the past two weeks...I cant stop thinking about her, and im typically not an emotional guy. I feel extremely vulnerable, but want her sooooooooo bad.

.

 

So you've been back for 2 weeks, she's been distant for 2 weeks and in those 2 weeks you've developed deeper feelings for her. It sounds like now that you can't have her, you all of a sudden can't be wthout her. It's human nature, wanting what we can't have. My only advice is don't mistake a bruised ego for genuine feelings. Take a step back, consider the situation from all angles before you engage her in some kind of a mindless persuit.

[LampLighter]

I've always wanted her, badly. Im just very confused. We were literally walking on water before i left. Then since ive come back she has been somewhat distant. Last weekend we spent essentially together and it was incredible, dancing on friday, pda in front of all her friends, great date on Saturday, incredibly sensual romantic sex (three x), lay in bed all sunday talking, kissing, laughing, goofing off, etc. Then no text till Thursday (after i initiated). Call me crazy but thats as mixed up as one can get...i truthfully dont see how i cant be confused.

 

Did she get bored? Do you think theres another guy (she def has multiple men chasing her at all times)? Do you think shes scared about the prospect of dating? Emotional baggage?

 

Nothing makes sense...I appreciate advice. Do I continue to text her and warm her up? Do I slow down and let her invite me out? Im literally lost and very hurt for some strange reason! Im in a glass case of emotion and i cant find the door.

[RebelWithoutACause]

I've always wanted her, badly. Im just very confused. We were literally walking on water before i left. Then since ive come back she has been somewhat distant. Last weekend we spent essentially together and it was incredible, dancing on friday, pda in front of all her friends, great date on Saturday, incredibly sensual romantic sex (three x), lay in bed all sunday talking, kissing, laughing, goofing off, etc. Then no text till Thursday (after i initiated). Call me crazy but thats as mixed up as one can get...i truthfully dont see how i cant be confused.

 

Did she get bored? Do you think theres another guy (she def has multiple men chasing her at all times)? Do you think shes scared about the prospect of dating? Emotional baggage?

 

Nothing makes sense...I appreciate advice. Do I continue to text her and warm her up? Do I slow down and let her invite me out? Im literally lost and very hurt for some strange reason! Im in a glass case of emotion and i cant find the door.

 

 

OK, she's not emotionally invested. She enjoys the fun part: going out, dancing, sex, etc, but she doesn't want any of the serious relationship business. There is no universal recipe for getting someone invested. But from my experience the more you try to push someone, the more they pull away.

[todreaminblue]

As a female, going missing in action for ten days without a hello miss you...would be disheartening, and confusing.......hurtful in other words..say sorry tell her how you really feel and be honest...in the future if you plan on going missing and cant contact for whatever reason, fair enough, but you let the girl know before hand so she isnt looking at her phone every day for ten days with no smile on her face..you have some ice melting to do ....good luck....best wishes.......debe

[Ruby Slippers]

FYI: As for the trip, it wasnt as if i was still in town and didnt contact her, i was out of town on business.

Doesn't matter. This was a major error. Do you not have a cell phone?

 

Whatever you had going on, not contacting her for 10 days told her that YOU regarded it as casual, rather than something meaningful. When a man really cares about a woman, he'll find a way to get in touch even if he's on business in Antarctica. You treated her like a side dalliance - not your mandatory daily fare.

 

Sounds like things are getting back on track, which is good. Due to her commitment skittishness, you might need to be subtle in how you make it happen. But if you really want to be her MAN, don't behave like a casual lover.

[CptSaveAho]

As a female, going missing in action for ten days without a hello miss you...would be disheartening, and confusing.......hurtful in other words..say sorry tell her how you really feel and be honest...in the future if you plan on going missing and cant contact for whatever reason, fair enough, but you let the girl know before hand so she isnt looking at her phone every day for ten days with no smile on her face..you have some ice melting to do ....good luck....best wishes.......debe

 

Doesn't matter. This was a major error. Do you not have a cell phone?

 

Whatever you had going on, not contacting her for 10 days told her that YOU regarded it as casual, rather than something meaningful. When a man really cares about a woman, he'll find a way to get in touch even if he's on business in Antarctica. You treated her like a side dalliance - not your mandatory daily fare.

 

Sounds like things are getting back on track, which is good. Due to her commitment skittishness, you might need to be subtle in how you make it happen. But if you really want to be her MAN, don't behave like a casual lover.

 

Blind leading the blind...

 

He did nothing wrong. She clearly stated she didnt want a relationship. Stop projecting your instant gratification needs on to his situation.

 

His only mistake which is 100% understandable is catching feelings for an emotionally unavailable person. Even if he did contact her within those 10 days, he would have been hosed for the fact that he caught feelings for her. It would have been the same outcome that he's in now.

 

He can't be her MAN because shes not "EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE"... ridiculous... You hosed a guy a month ago for the same reason http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/365254-i-broke-up-conservative-guy not being emotionally available... so for you to try and tell him to man up is hypocritical

 

As for OP.... the smart best thing to do is to separate yourself from the situation and clean up your head.... if you want to catch an emotionally unavailable girl, act more unavailable then she is

[Archgirl]

I've always wanted her, badly. Im just very confused. We were... Im literally lost and very hurt for some strange reason! Im in a glass case of emotion and i cant find the door.

 

This is how you made her feel by acting like you cared about her then playing games. We're not stupid, we are all well aware of the treat them mean to keep them keen game: most of us can play it better than you

we just choose not to because it hurts

and doesn't get you what you want in the long run because it damages trust which damages intimacy with ultimately destroys the bond of 'specialness' with someone you could love.

She is cold because she is confused and hurt and trusts you less. Even if she comes back, you may never completely get that back depending on her age and past experience and as a result there will always be a protective barrier up against you.

She is now questioning whether she really wants to be with you, if you are worth the risk and if you really care about her.

You f***** up. Big time. Don't do it again.

Real men don't need to prove their masculinity by how badly they treat the women who care about them.

[CptSaveAho]

This is how you made her feel by acting like you cared about her then playing games. We're not stupid, we are all well aware of the treat them mean to keep them keen game: most of us can play it better than you

we just choose not to because it hurts

and doesn't get you what you want in the long run because it damages trust which damages intimacy with ultimately destroys the bond of 'specialness' with someone you could love.

She is cold because she is confused and hurt and trusts you less. Even if she comes back, you may never completely get that back depending on her age and past experience and as a result there will always be a protective barrier up against you.

She is now questioning whether she really wants to be with you, if you are worth the risk and if you really care about her.

You f***** up. Big time. Don't do it again.

Real men don't need to prove their masculinity by how badly they treat the women who care about them.

 

projecting projecting projecting... you and the rest of the females in this thread are making OP pay for crimes he didnt commit

 

I appreciate all the candid responses. It appears i have missed some details in the original post. At the start of the relationship she said she wasn't looking for anything serious and didnt want a bf. I have been very cognizant of taking it 'slow', which unfortunately makes me somewhat insecure. We dont really talk about 'us' too much and it does feel somewhat like FWB. Having said that, after we have sex we will lay in bed all day, kissing, cuddling, joking, fooling around, talking, staring into each others eyes, all the stuff a romantic 'exclusive' relationship has. She will immeditely text me right after dates and have light convo, typically ending in: 'I had a great time with you tonight, thanks for everything '. Also, she will sometimes say, "This is crazy. You know, who would have ever thought the two of us would be here." Which i will try to amplify into more of an exclusivity talk or bf/gf discussion. Frustrating thing is she immediately stifles that by walking away or re-directing the conversation or saying, "you scare me sometimes" (I interpret that as I'm moving too fast).

 

CLEARLY this is a "rebound/fwb" relationship by her ACTIONS alone... the chances of it being anything more then this or ever being more then this... 0%

[Archgirl]

Of course I'm projecting! So are you! So is everyone. That's what offering your opinion is based upon, your own experience.

That does not make my opinion any less valuable.

He has not committed a crime but he has done something pretty counter-productive to his own happiness. Started game playing with a chick he really cares about. Once that starts, it rarely ends or ends well because we KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING and adjust our behaviour towards you accordingly.

[SJC2008]

OP this recently happened to me. You met a woman who was upfront about not wanting a relatinnship then started acting like she was "coming around". In the end she's geting the benefit of a relationship, dates, texting/flirting and sex, but without the title/obligation. When you add that up it means you're dealing with an EA person. Someone who's too weak to heal on their own and "cant be alone". Sure people want to have sex so she could of been upfront and just been a FWB but she's week and needs a "fill in" boyfriend so she can hide from her pain and not face it. Cut all ties, you're too invested as it is. You're good looking so you shouldn't have a problem reeling one in.

[LampLighter]

Look, I didn't do anything wrong. I gave her plenty of notice before I left and also told her I won't be contacting her. I truthfully cannot understand how my business trip would have hurt the relationship. We were literally flying before, how can one turn on me that quickly? It's just so frustrating because our chemistry is through the roof. How can she be so emotionally attached one day and not even have the decency to message me all week? I'm literally crushed, which is embarrassing considering the infancy of the relationship. I haven't messaged her and don't plan on it. I'm lost on what I could have improved on...I legitimately must be delusional.

[5anta]

Look, I didn't do anything wrong. I gave her plenty of notice before I left and also told her I won't be contacting her. I truthfully cannot understand how my business trip would have hurt the relationship. We were literally flying before, how can one turn on me that quickly? It's just so frustrating because our chemistry is through the roof. How can she be so emotionally attached one day and not even have the decency to message me all week? I'm literally crushed, which is embarrassing considering the infancy of the relationship. I haven't messaged her and don't plan on it. I'm lost on what I could have improved on...I legitimately must be delusional.

 

Just let it be. It's hard to make a move in this situation. The only thing to do (which I think is a double edged sword) is to be direct with her and stop beating around the bush. This might just scare the sh*t out of her (depending on how you tell her) and make her distance you more. I just did that to a girl I am real interested in (I came on too heavy) and somewhat regret it, but at least I know she knows I am interested and now I know to leave her alone because she needs time and space to sort her mind and personal life out.

 

Now I only met up with this girl twice (no physical contact yet), but her personality is one of a kind. So I am willing to wait patiently, even if it might be just an illusion and nothing will come of it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Eight people came in this thread and reacted strongly to you not being in touch for those 10 days. Ignore that if you want, but it was a big deal.

 

My last bf told me he was dating a girl for 3 months a while before me, someone he really liked. He went out of the country on business for 3 weeks and didn't contact her during that time, thought nothing of it. He called her when he got back, and he never heard from her again. I said I didn't blame her, given that he just disappeared.

 

That tells her she doesn't mean much to you, you don't care that much what happens to her on a daily basis.

[5anta]

Eight people came in this thread and reacted strongly to you not being in touch for those 10 days. Ignore that if you want, but it was a big deal.

 

My last bf told me he was dating a girl for 3 months a while before me, someone he really liked. He went out of the country on business for 3 weeks and didn't contact her during that time, thought nothing of it. He called her when he got back, and he never heard from her again. I said I didn't blame her, given that he just disappeared.

 

That tells her she doesn't mean much to you, you don't care that much what happens to her on a daily basis.

 

After all that's said and done, I'll have to agree with this. OP, even though you did tell her ahead of time that you won't be contacting her during the duration of your trip, you probably should have done so anyways. Given the mental state of affairs in your love interest, at least e-mailing or IM chat online could have sufficed. Or get a phone card and dial in every 2 or 3 days for 5-10 min.

 

I don't get how you went through those 10 days without speaking with her. I wouldn't have been able to do it.

[LampLighter]

If I didn't care about her why would have I texted her everyday for 6 weeks before my trip? Why would I initiate 80% of the dates? Why would I text her the second I landed? Why would I pursue her as soon as I got back and spend all weekend with her? Why would I show all the kindness and emotion I did? That is completely illogical and does not resonate with me at all. I refuse to believe that would generate this kind of windfall. She had also told me that previously she dated a guy who messaged her 8x/day when she was on vacation. She found this annoying and got scared that he was too invested, ultimately ending the relationship. I've resigned to the fact that the ball is in her court. She has my number and if she wants me she needs to make a move. It's absolutely crushing because she is simply incredible. I'm extremely picky with whom I date and literally spent all 10 days fantasizing about her. I'm so torn up about this...