5anta Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) If I didn't care about her why would have I texted her everyday for 6 weeks before my trip? Why would I initiate 80% of the dates? Why would I text her the second I landed? Why would I pursue her as soon as I got back and spend all weekend with her? Why would I show all the kindness and emotion I did? That is completely illogical and does not resonate with me at all. I refuse to believe that would generate this kind of windfall. She had also told me that previously she dated a guy who messaged her 8x/day when she was on vacation. She found this annoying and got scared that he was too invested, ultimately ending the relationship. I've resigned to the fact that the ball is in her court. She has my number and if she wants me she needs to make a move. It's absolutely crushing because she is simply incredible. I'm extremely picky with whom I date and literally spent all 10 days fantasizing about her. I'm so torn up about this... I am not saying that you don't care about her because I know that you do. You did all these wonderful things because you really fell hard for her. But I think women require frequent upkeep/maintenance otherwise they will feel neglected, especially if the relationship is less than 6 months old (honeymoon phase). 10 days no communication or physical contact is pretty rough. It's long enough to make your love interest (who was avoiding relationship talk) to become detached and commit to that detachment. I think you might have thought that after all the intimacy you both had prior to your trip has changed her mindset into possibly committing into a relationship with you and you thought she had developed a emotional attachment to you. As a result, you might have gotten too comfortable with the state of affairs. That's why you thought that those 10 days of no contact would escalate into something of a frenzy when you returned. You always have to be on your toes with women, especially ones that are 10/10. As you said, competition is stiff. Edited February 17, 2013 by 5anta Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 It's ironic because I had thought before I left that this trip was going to make or break the relationship. I wanted to message her everyday. I'm actually starting to buy into this whole detachment theory you all are pitching. It just seems so petty considering how well we left. Why woman must you be so complicated? Just have patience and trust that us men are well intentioned beings. Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 OP, just comment that you noticed the decrease in contact/texts between you since you've been back. Then ask her why is that. Then, listen. If there's an issue, find solutions. Tell her your desire is have more contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 It's ironic because I had thought before I left that this trip was going to make or break the relationship. I wanted to message her everyday. I'm actually starting to buy into this whole detachment theory you all are pitching. It just seems so petty considering how well we left. Why woman must you be so complicated? Just have patience and trust that us men are well intentioned beings. Go and read the thread on women over -rating their attractiveness. Or the one by the guy who thinks the mother of his newborn is being lazy and unattractive. Or all the advice you guys give each other on here which basically amounts to treating us like crap. That should start giving you some clues as to why we might occasionally have limited patience and trust that all men are well intentioned. Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 And you yourself said that you decided to ignore her for ten days thinking you could manipulate her into more "fondness". How is that either trustworthy or well intentioned? You keep blaming her. You should be angry at yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 It's ironic because I had thought before I left that this trip was going to make or break the relationship. I wanted to message her everyday. I'm actually starting to buy into this whole detachment theory you all are pitching. It just seems so petty considering how well we left. Why woman must you be so complicated? Just have patience and trust that us men are well intentioned beings. On the other hand she didn't contact you in those 10 days either. So no, I don't think she was sitting home alone, feeling hurt and betrayed. She just doesn't seem very emotionally invested. I might be wrong, but if she was so upset with you, why would she spend a whole weekend with you afterwards, having fun, being loving The lack of contact from your side might have confirmed for her that you were just FWB, but it looks like that's all she want anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 On the other hand she didn't contact you in those 10 days either. So no, I don't think she was sitting home alone, feeling hurt and betrayed. She just doesn't seem very emotionally invested. I might be wrong, but if she was so upset with you, why would she spend a whole weekend with you afterwards, having fun, being loving The lack of contact from your side might have confirmed for her that you were just FWB, but it looks like that's all she want anyways. You realise on some level op that its this mentality and the advice given by this sort that made you choose a really crappy course of action with a chick you like? It kinda genius too, because it means you never have to examine your own behavior, it's always her fault for not being emotionally invested (clearly untrue from everything you've said). 90% of the people who responded told you exactly the same thing. You're only listening to the one guy that tells you what you want to hear and advises you to do nothing. Basically the easy road that ultimately leads no where. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I would be absolutely pissed off about 10 days of no contact. I would think either he doesn't care at all or is playing games. Either would turn me off and I would start looking elsewhere. Even in a FWB situation, women hate game playing. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I'll just address the one comment the OP made about her saying "you scare me". In the past, when I have told someone "you scare me", what I was saying is that I find myself falling for them too fast and it caused fear because I was afraid to get hurt. By phrasing it that way, it pushes off the vulnerable feelings. Sometimes a new relationship can appear to be too good to be true (particularly one where the sex starts early). And it usually is. If she's been recently hurt, she might be vulnerable and protecting herself by "not wanting anything serious". Nevertheless, you were fun and she was into it. Too into it and maybe too much wanting more. Then you leave for ten days with no contact and she has a chance to think abou that and that she was letting her guard down. So when you came back, it's possible she's now dating others or getting involved in other things so as to not be so vulnerable. As women, I feel we know it is dangerous to give too much of our emotional life too quickly to men that may not have our best interest at heart. However, something inside us nearly always -wants- to find and fall for mr. prince charming. This is one reason why women like myself stay too long in a relationship that is obviously going nowhere. We want too much to believe he will become Prince Charming if we stick around long enough, and we sometimes see potential that isn't really there... Can't know for sure about this - but it sounds like you need to let her know how into her you really are and find out if she feels the same. If she isn't, you need to let go (assuming there's no potential) because you will be in for a world of hurt otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You realise on some level op that its this mentality and the advice given by this sort that made you choose a really crappy course of action with a chick you like? It kinda genius too, because it means you never have to examine your own behavior, it's always her fault for not being emotionally invested (clearly untrue from everything you've said). 90% of the people who responded told you exactly the same thing. You're only listening to the one guy that tells you what you want to hear and advises you to do nothing. Basically the easy road that ultimately leads no where. It's this level of cluelessness and unwillingness to look facts in the face that leads self-delusional people to hang on to the empty hope that someday, somehow they can "make" someone love them. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I am not a proponent of playing these stupid games but it is obvious she doesn't care much about you and I don't think anything you did would have changed that. If a woman really feels for you not contacting her and appearing indifferent will magnify those feelings. Trust me I know and in my case I really had no feelings for her. Not saying men should play these games but if a woman goes cold after a trip she just is not very interested. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 OP, even if you not contacting her the issue (which I doubt), if she was genuinely interested, the two of you would have been able to work this out. When I first met my husband we lived in different countries. I promise you we had many problems, but never, ever did I doubt how he felt about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de Lis Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 To me, it would be easy. I'd call her on the phone and say something like: "Hey, I need to talk to you. Ever since I got back it seems like the meteoric times we were having together have cooled somewhat and I want to get things back to where they were before I had to go away on business. If I unintentionally hurt your feelings while I was away because I was not in a position to contact you, I apologize in the most sincerest terms. How can I make that up to you and we get things back on track?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Well if that's the case what am I to do? Talk to her and tell her my intention was to not push her away? At this point that feels like a move of desperation. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Well if that's the case what am I to do? Talk to her and tell her my intention was to not push her away? At this point that feels like a move of desperation. LampLighter, I can tell you really are in pain and I'm genuinely rooting for you, and hoping things will somehow work out for the 2 of you. I honestly don't know what is the best way to proceed from here. I think if I was in your shoes I would just lay it all on the table and let the chips fall where they may. At least you'll have your definitive answer. The cynic in me says she'll say no, but the romantic says there's hope. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Well if that's the case what am I to do? Talk to her and tell her my intention was to not push her away? At this point that feels like a move of desperation. Why is it desperate to honestly tell her how you feel and what you want from this? You don't seem terribly sure yourself. You said you've tried to talk to her about a relationship a couple of times and have gotten stonewalled. But then you said later you don't want a relationship either.... What do you want from her? I agree with most, she's hurt over the lack of communication during your trip. And JourneyLady's right, she wants something more defined with you but is scared to go after it. It seems like you've both hit the point where what you had before the trip isn't enough for you guys. You can set yourself apart by creating a safe space for her to have this conversation with you and being more straightforward about how you feel about her and what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Im extremely unsure of myself, and very insecure at this point. My feelings for her have escalated exponentially in just 2 months of dating. Due to the lack of communication we've shared in the past 7 days I genuinely feel that coming straight out with a serious talk may be too much. Also, it is almost impossible for me to believe that all she wanted was FWB, maybe she did at the start of the relationship, but the level of attraction, chemistry, romance we were sharing before I left was through the roof. TBH, i feel paralyzed and very unsure of how to approach this. Its difficult because i have no clue what she's feeling or what she's thinking. That comment ('you scare me') really threw me for a loop too. I interpreted it as her signalling she didnt want me to move too fast. On the other hand, it could have been a defence mechanism for her to avoid having a truthful conversation about her emotions. Call me delusional, but i think when we met in december having a bf and getting into a relationship was the furthest thing from her mind. fast fwd 6 weeks and she finds herself falling hard, as was i. To me, the 10 days gave her time to recalibrate and separate herself from the relationship. Essentially build a wall around her heart. The frustrating part is the 10 days increased my infatuation for her. Thus, when i came home, our expectations were completely mis-aligned. Hence her acting distant, and me going absolutely insane over the lack of communication and interest. As ive said, we spent all last weekend together. The friday night when i arrived at the bar and first saw her (first time i saw her in person post 10 day trip) I swept her off her feet and gave her a huge kiss and hug. Her face lit up with a smile from ear-ear. I guess what im saying is I know when were together she is head over heals for me. But i think she is trying to deflect dates/text/communication to re-align with her desire to be single... I have no clue if this is accurate, but i do know what i felt...I know what we had, what we could have. Im just lost at what to do still. I havent heard from her since friday, although she sent the last text. Do I lightly try and stoke the fire...Im just tired of sending a message and having to wait 12-24 hours to receive a response. Im tired of the game. I never have engaged in the game and didnt intend too. The mixed messages are completely messing with my head and causing me immense cognitive damage. The relationship was once a run away train with momentum. Unfortunately now I feel back at square one, or worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Its not as if she was contacting me either...IF she was so into me as i perceived why did she not contact me...Can a woman in here please logically answer that? Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Its not as if she was contacting me either...IF she was so into me as i perceived why did she not contact me...Can a woman in here please logically answer that? ...You set the precedent by saying you wouldn't contact her. If a guy told me he won't be contacting me for 10 days why would I contact him? That just makes me clingy and also puts an imposition on him since out of common courtesy he'd be obligated to get back in touch with me or make time for me.....which I would assume he doesn't have because he said before he left he won't be contacting me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Call me delusional, but i think when we met in december having a bf and getting into a relationship was the furthest thing from her mind. fast fwd 6 weeks and she finds herself falling hard, as was i. To me, the 10 days gave her time to recalibrate and separate herself from the relationship. Essentially build a wall around her heart. The frustrating part is the 10 days increased my infatuation for her. Thus, when i came home, our expectations were completely mis-aligned. Hence her acting distant, and me going absolutely insane over the lack of communication and interest. I agree with this perspective of what's happened. I still stand by telling her straight where you stand and how you feel. There's some avoidance happening on both of your ends and someone needs to be honest and sincere here for you two to progress to the type of relationship you want. You can be the initiator or wait for her to make that move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Do you not think thats a bit hypocritical? Ive given you full disclosure that I will be out of town for 10 days and wont be contacting you. Yet for some reason you think I should... My mistake I do believe is that i didnt contact her. But how do you explain last weekend then? Spent essentially the whole weekend together, and all of sat night/sunday in my bed having sex/talking/laughing/cuddling, etc. Then, again, lines go silent. I didnt hear from her for 72 hours! So on wednesday i sent out a text, something light, and she doesn't respond for 24 hours. I would have thought any insecurity she had about my feelings toward her would have been mended by the time we spent together on the weekend. At that point it seemed obvious she was mildly interested at best. I call her thursday night, we talk for 15 min and i ask her if she wants to get together this weekend and she say she has plans, if anything falls through she will let me know (Big surprise...again i get burnt). Essentially thats the last ive heard from her. Now do you see how confusing this is? She is signalling that she isnt as interested...why in gods green earth would i go 'all-in' and have any serious talk with her? Coming from my perspective: I have initiated ~90% of the dates. I feel as though im constantly trying to chase, chase, chase and all she is doing is receiving. I continued to chase because i knew she was digging me, a lot. But now that she is distant why should i continue? To me the ball is in her court. Im uneasy about laying off the gas because i know i could love this woman, but this past week i have. Her comment about how i scare her and her distant behaviour have really shattered me. I feel like Ive fallen for something that wasn't available. I just know that if i initiate any serious relationship/expectation type convo with her it would be over. Do i go back on the offence and continue to put myself out there(IE initiate convo/invite on dates/etc) and run the risk of further rejection? Or do i just leave it? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You expecting her to contact you after all this is really naive. It's not going to happen. No woman wants to chase a man. Very few will do it - only the most shameless, desperate, or hopelessly in love, generally. You ignored her for 10 days, essentially communicating she was FWB to you. Then you come back and get in touch with her minimally, expecting her to contact you to repair the damage you caused. One weekend of good sex does not fix all this. If anything, you doing that then going cold again only reinforces that you see her as FWB. I think your only hope is to completely put the games aside, man up, and get real. It might not work out anyway, given all the drama that's ensued so far - but I don't see these continued games and tests getting you anywhere, either. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Quick follow up: haven't spoke in ~6 days, she randomly just messaged me, 'hi stranger! How are you?' Friday so I'm assuming she wants to meet up to bang, or not, but most likely this is the case. I have developed feelings deeper than this. What am I to do? Ignore her or text her and potentially meet up... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Dude, take her out on a date. Make it romantic and spicy. Draaaaaw out the anticipation for hours. Don't have sex until you can't hold yourselves back anymore. This is not rocket science! Link to post Share on other sites
USCGAviator Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Dating and women is a trial by fire. Its not her that's complicated, It's you not understanding women. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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