Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Can we say..Narcissistic personality disorder here? Mix of that some other mental issues. And boy, he's really putting on the crocodile tears through his words, trying to manipulate you, make you feel bad enough so you'll reach out to him. HE KNOWS not to call, text, email or come see you, so he figures mail at least is safe. Honestly, I know you want to continue reading what he sends you, but you really should send it back to his home address UNOPENED. That would send him such a strong message. Reality check! Next letter, please do that. Well, tell me, honestly- you know that the Wife is very much not well. Would YOU return the letter knowing it would only make her more upset and her children more upset when they know their mother (by now they know) is very ill, and dad now is no where to be found??? I can't do that. BUT, and please hear this- According to his WIFE she already KNOWS this about him very well. She told me as much. I am out. Done. I should just burn them. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Do you mean borderline personality disorder? Thanks for explaining. And, yes, I agree. I guess it's hard for me to believe that people are actually like that, but, I suppose that this is a prime case and point. You are very right on this. I know its hard to believe but they are out there! I have dealt with a few in my life and it's not a good experience. The sad thing is that he's doing it unconsciously because this is how learned how to function in life. A normal man would seek support from family and friends. Think about that for second. He will keep pushing until finds your weak spot and then boom...he's in and got his release. The only way to protect yourself is to stay away and don't give him the opportunity to exploit any of your vulnerabilities. Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Back in the day, my ex-MM used to send me drama-filled letters when he and the Mrs. were going through a rough spot and she was kicking his ass about something. Once I got: "I'm going through some domestic strife.....you're the only one I got to hold onto...." After our D-day and he went MIA for a week, I got an e-mail: "Bob is okay...." And when we finally met up, it was all about him. These men have NPP. It's always about him. Read the letters lightly and throw them away. If you should ever talk, suggest he go to therapy. End of conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Well, tell me, honestly- you know that the Wife is very much not well. Would YOU return the letter knowing it would only make her more upset and her children more upset when they know their mother (by now they know) is very ill, and dad now is no where to be found??? I can't do that. BUT, and please hear this- According to his WIFE she already KNOWS this about him very well. She told me as much. I am out. Done. I should just burn them. Yes, burn them and don't read anymore. Don't get sucked back in! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 my biggest fear - is that this illness and all the other components of his life will send him over the edge. And, I think you are right Spice that it's very possible that whomever he uses as a crutch will feel that strife. I do not mean a physical attack, but, the emotional and psychological affects possible.. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 my biggest fear - is that this illness and all the other components of his life will send him over the edge. And, I think you are right Spice that it's very possible that whomever he uses as a crutch will feel that strife. I do not mean a physical attack, but, the emotional and psychological affects possible.. It might send him over, but that is not your responsibility. He is going to therapy and that is where he needs to be to figure this all out. He has family and friends, let them help him through. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 It might send him over, but that is not your responsibility. He is going to therapy and that is where he needs to be to figure this all out. He has family and friends, let them help him through. why is he choosing me? That's what I don't understand.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Well, tell me, honestly- you know that the Wife is very much not well. Would YOU return the letter knowing it would only make her more upset and her children more upset when they know their mother (by now they know) is very ill, and dad now is no where to be found??? I can't do that. BUT, and please hear this- According to his WIFE she already KNOWS this about him very well. She told me as much. I am out. Done. I should just burn them. Is he not at home? What do you mean no where to be found? Then burn the letters and just keep ignoring him. He isn't your problem, you owe him nothing. You're not obligated to him at all. Remember that next time he pulls on your heart strings. He's a grown man acting like a spoiled brat who feels everybody owes him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Is he not at home? What do you mean no where to be found? Then burn the letters and just keep ignoring him. He isn't your problem, you owe him nothing. You're not obligated to him at all. Remember that next time he pulls on your heart strings. He's a grown man acting like a spoiled brat who feels everybody owes him. He's home. Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 my biggest fear - is that this illness and all the other components of his life will send him over the edge. And, I think you are right Spice that it's very possible that whomever he uses as a crutch will feel that strife. I do not mean a physical attack, but, the emotional and psychological affects possible.. Promises, If he goes over the edge, there is nothing you can do and you are not responsible. You are not his mother or his wife. Good luck, cat. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 why is he choosing me? That's what I don't understand.. Because you have been playing that role in his life all along and just didn't realize it. You're a kind compassionate and caring individual so you opened your heart to him. That's all it takes. Your caring compassionate nature made you a little naive and lead you to believe you were truly helping. You were, just not in a way that was healthy for you. You don't have to carry peoples burdens to be a good person. It is completely fine to set a boundary and say no, this not what I want or need for myself. I'm not saying you were naive in a bad way; you were just too trusting that he had your best interests at heart too. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 ...and because he still wants to have sex with you. How long will he have gone 'without' by now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Because you have been playing that role in his life all along and just didn't realize it. You're a kind compassionate and caring individual so you opened your heart to him. That's all it takes. Your caring compassionate nature made you a little naive and lead you to believe you were truly helping. You were, just not in a way that was healthy for you. You don't have to carry peoples burdens to be a good person. It is completely fine to set a boundary and say no, this not what I want or need for myself. I'm not saying you were naive in a bad way; you were just too trusting that he had your best interests at heart too. Well, I believed him. And, I had poor boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 ...and because he still wants to have sex with you. How long will he have gone 'without' by now? I'm sure he's not getting a ton of compassionate sex at this point in time. Yes, I believe he still wants sex, too. It's a really awful feeling to know you are a sex outlet in someones mind. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Well, I believed him. And, I had poor boundaries. I know and it probably hurts to realize that he just didn't have the capacity to be what you needed him to be. Recognizing you had poor boundaries is huge step in the right direction for YOU. It means you are learning to take care of yourself in the future and not allow yourself to be victimized like this again. Charity begins at home! Take care of you and the world steps in to help in a healthy way! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Yeah, well, if nothing else then, focus on that. Men are extremely clever at pushing the right buttons to make a woman melt in their arms and 'jump in their bed' The entire premise of Hollywood chick-flicks is based upon the guy saying the right things and getting the girl. I can think of at least three threads I've seen today that basically boil down to: He said this We had sex Now he's distant/gone awol. Well quelle surprise! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 I know and it probably hurts to realize that he just didn't have the capacity to be what you needed him to be. It doesn't hurt like it did. It was the most intense heart ache I had ever experienced from a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 What a cad! "Oh my wife is dying of cancer, suck my c*ck behind her back so I can feel better!" This pig deserves a deballing. I would so tell his wife if she didn't have so much on her plate. No dying woman should have to know in her final times that she wasted her life on a loser who would f*ck a woman on her grave before the body is cold! People like that make me want to vomit, the selfishness is maddening! which is what makes it more twisted.. that he must know I would never tell her because of what she is going through... he knows that. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Given the bolded I don't see the problem of forwarding them to her at home. She deserves not to struggle with her illness with this betrayal of support. This idea is ridiculous IMO. The woman is going through enough...in this case, I highly doubt sending her these letters will somehow improve her situation. They will probably only exacerbate the situation. If my spouse were cheating, I'd want to know...however, if I am going through a serious illness or some other painful life crisis, I'd rather that be on the back burner until I'm well. I would not want to be doing chemo, afraid for my life while also attempting to divorce, be angry with or reconcile with a cheating spouse. Anyway: promises, you're right that it's a sad situation; however you cannot help him as you've said. He is really out of it to consistently mail you letters, but it's ALL about him. You're not required to bear this for him or with him and hopefully his family and friends can be of support but he certainly doesn't need you for "release"...ughhh sounds like an ex of mine who said how he deals with stress is by having sex and essentially I was supposed to be available for unfeeling, uncaring sex as HIS human stress ball and if not I wasn't good gf 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 It's only sour grapes now. No! She's trying to get support so that she can climb out of this death trap. She's doing right, and it's really hard. She loved him. She needs support now, because her heart is being manipulated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 MissBee I disagree. I think the cruelest thing by far is letting someone continue to think they actually have their spouses support in that dire situation. And not letting them put their affairs in order in full knowledge. Maybe before saying this, you should be in the role of someone who actually has cancer. You might be surprised what people want and can deal with in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 The *only* person being wronged here is his wife. An OW is only getting what she knew she was always getting- the behavior of an unrepentant cheater. It was good enough once when she was winning...why not now? Completely disagree. MM is wronging BOTH his W and promises. MFH, I hope you learn someday that OW can feel pain too, and they are real people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Let me just state again, the Wife knows he has cheated. Not just with me. She knows him better than I do, better than LS posters do. She knows what makes him tick and you better believe she knows that with this latest news of her diagnosis, that he is struggling to stay faithful. SHE KNOWS. How do I know this. She as much told me. I know what it's like to be very ill. You have little room for anything beyond survival. Each minute is magnified. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Let me just state again, the Wife knows he has cheated. Not just with me. She knows him better than I do, better than LS posters do. She knows what makes him tick and you better believe she knows that with this latest news of her diagnosis, that he is struggling to stay faithful. SHE KNOWS. How do I know this. She as much told me. I know what it's like to be very ill. You have little room for anything beyond survival. Each minute is magnified. I agree. Especially about the part about each minute (and each event) being magnified. You do not want to further her pain by sending the letter back unopened. As you stated, she already knows, and she doesn't need to be hit with it anew when she is just trying to survive. The fact that you would not do such a thing shows that you are compassionate, and that you do in fact think of the BS through your own pain. This MM is beyond narcissistic. I'm sorry he hurt you. It's clear from his letters that he only wants things from you - doesn't want to give you what you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Of course real people with real actions of choice. These are the natural consequences of those actions. She was a real person when she stabbed his wife in the back and she's a real person only thinking of herself still. It's too selfish. no, I'm actually thinking of his kids. Of her. Just as you don't know me, you don't know them either. Link to post Share on other sites
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