OpenBook Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I'm going to do nothing. I feel rather drained right now. Thinking about all of it. All I can do is what I am doing which is trying to be a stronger person and get healthy myself. It's a highly emotional situation all the way around. I'm trying to rebuild my life. New job, lost friends, getting healthy, etc. And, it's all going well. Just need to stay the course. I wholeheartedly agree with this approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I was with a cerebral narcissist. I never heard of the disorder before him, I found out about while googling his bizarre behavior in hopes of understanding it. After a mere six weeks of researching it, I settled upon leaving the relationship, no matter what the cost to me financially (which would bear on my children) I HAD to get out to save my sanity. I can't even begin to detail just how crazy making and selfish he was! Promises escaped a HUGE mistake in leaving this man. Why his wife doesn't leave me is beyond me. I would give almost anything to have those years I wasted on that NPD back, I left two years ago and I'm STILL untangling the mental damage! Atheist, not to t/j, but I am sure his wife's health plays a factor for her. It may be that there are other things he brings to the table outweigh the bad. She may know and accept that he is who he is and takes him at that level. I do think the silver lining to the letters is he is showing very clearly who he is. That is a gift for anyone to see. Promises, how are you doing today? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Loading a V-day card with "Please speak to me. I have so much anger right now" shows that the man is off his rocker. I understand electronic blocking does not work but you can just use the old-fashioned equivalent: tearing them up, or better yet burning them, unread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Atheist, not to t/j, but I am sure his wife's health plays a factor for her. It may be that there are other things he brings to the table outweigh the bad. She may know and accept that he is who he is and takes him at that level. I do think the silver lining to the letters is he is showing very clearly who he is. That is a gift for anyone to see. Promises, how are you doing today? Honestly, I had a terrible sleep. I'm upset. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Got it, I agree there must be big reasons why she stays with him. Probably for medical insurance and financial support, especially if she has been a SAHM her whole life.(which was very common in generations past) Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Got it, I agree there must be big reasons why she stays with him. Probably for medical insurance and financial support, especially if she has been a SAHM her whole life.(which was very common in generations past) And because she loves him. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Honestly, I had a terrible sleep. I'm upset. Promises, I am sorry about that. I know that the disappointment, the anger, and the sadness likes to well up and overpower you at this stage. Exercise is great to try and burn off these negative feelings. I love yoga to quiet my mind as I have one that runs a mile a minute. It gives me a sense of peace. I know it is hard to witness a man show who he is and be so opposite to who you thought he was. There are a number of sales running this weekend for President's weekend, any retail therapy for you today? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 And because she loves him. I think with many things with this, it is all of that and none of that. Quite simply because the good outweighs the bad. What good means and what bad means is different for each person. When things are bad enough humans enact movement. But like the lobster in the pot, the degree of heat is different for each person and for some it has to hit boiling point to enact change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 What he has shown is that he never loved me. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Promises, I don't know if he has shown that. I think what he has shown is that his way to love people is very different than your way. He has shown that he does love himself the most and operates from that perspective. That doesn't mean that he didn't love you. It may mean that he hasn't loved you in the manner that you desire or deserve. (((((Promises))))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Sorry you've been hit with this Promises. You know, sometimes when I read your (& others) posts about how xMM can't stop contacting them, I feel a little jealous & very sad that my xMM found it so easy to cut off all contact. But the pain in your "voice" is clear, and I can see how much these selfish reach-outs hurt to the core. I hope you're able to find some fun today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 What he has shown is that he never loved me. That assumes that he has the capacity to "love" someone other than himself. Someone who lacks empathy isn't capable of truly loving they can only mimic it. At that doesn't mean they don't want to be loved because they do. Just because he HAS feelings doesn't mean he's capable of attributing then to others. Stringing Women Along: The Psychopath as Puppet Master « Psychopathyawareness's Blog This site has many articles on triangulation and why disordered people need it. I say keep opening the letters, they are showing you who he is. It's hard, I know, to give up on the person you believed someone to be, especially when the parts you loved are still visible. It takes time to "know" it. It's not as easy for anyone to say, "oh, damn, he's a nut, I'm outie." it doesn't work like that unfortunately. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 That assumes that he has the capacity to "love" someone other than himself. Someone who lacks empathy isn't capable of truly loving they can only mimic it. At that doesn't mean they don't want to be loved because they do. Just because he HAS feelings doesn't mean he's capable of attributing then to others. Stringing Women Along: The Psychopath as Puppet Master « Psychopathyawareness's Blog This site has many articles on triangulation and why disordered people need it. I say keep opening the letters, they are showing you who he is. It's hard, I know, to give up on the person you believed someone to be, especially when the parts you loved are still visible. It takes time to "know" it. It's not as easy for anyone to say, "oh, damn, he's a nut, I'm outie." it doesn't work like that unfortunately. This is an excellent post. There is a lot truth in this promises and it's okay to feel sad about it. It takes time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Promises, sorry that xMM is making pathetic attempts to get you to console him. But, it sounds like you are taking it very well, particularly since it is still early days in healing. On the talk about xMM loving himself - being selfish is not the same as loving oneself. In some ways, they are opposites. The ability to really love oneself well is connected to the ability to really love others well. I also find a lot of internal strength goes along with self-love. I don't see anything to indicate that xMM has much internal strength or real love of anyone, including himself. Promises is displaying self-love in not falling for xMM's tactics in his quest for attention and that is a very good thing. That is not selfish, unlike xMM's behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 What he has shown is that he never loved me. He doesn't love anybody but himself. Sure he may love his wife - Conditionally and he may have loved you as well - BUT, one thing is for sure - He puts himself first above everybody else in his life. He's got a wife who is ill and all he can think about is himself and a 'release.' what a sick f.uk he is! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 That assumes that he has the capacity to "love" someone other than himself. Someone who lacks empathy isn't capable of truly loving they can only mimic it. At that doesn't mean they don't want to be loved because they do. Just because he HAS feelings doesn't mean he's capable of attributing then to others. Stringing Women Along: The Psychopath as Puppet Master « Psychopathyawareness's Blog This site has many articles on triangulation and why disordered people need it. I say keep opening the letters, they are showing you who he is. It's hard, I know, to give up on the person you believed someone to be, especially when the parts you loved are still visible. It takes time to "know" it. It's not as easy for anyone to say, "oh, damn, he's a nut, I'm outie." it doesn't work like that unfortunately. A friend of mine actually dated him before he met his wife. When I told her about the affair, and she said that normally in an affair she'd split responsibility between the two parties, but she knows him well and actually called him a puppet master that day and said he was well aware of what he was doing. She also said that she warned his wife before they were married. To which his wife replied, 'well, he's not that way with me.' Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 A friend of mine actually dated him before he met his wife. When I told her about the affair, and she said that normally in an affair she'd split responsibility between the two parties, but she knows him well and actually called him a puppet master that day and said he was well aware of what he was doing. She also said that she warned his wife before they were married. To which his wife replied, 'well, he's not that way with me.' Well, apparently he has the ability to make everyone think "he's not that way with them". Everyone wants to believe they're special. Puppet masters are especially good at that, before the bait and switch where it becomes all about them. He will operate like this for the rest of his life no matter who he's with. And the people he can use the easiest are the ones who need most to believe "it's different with them". One thing that is super crazy is that these men typically create this feeling in their "victims" by sharing not so trustworthy things about themselves which lends a feeling that they are so comfortable with "you" that they can tell "you" anything. In retrospect they've shown/told "you" who they are and instead of running for the hills their victim feels a connection, that only they understand and know the real man. It's crazy really. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Promises, I don't know if he has shown that. I think what he has shown is that his way to love people is very different than your way. He has shown that he does love himself the most and operates from that perspective. That doesn't mean that he didn't love you. It may mean that he hasn't loved you in the manner that you desire or deserve. (((((Promises))))) As I have said a zillion times regarding love in the affair. He loved Promises in the affair compartment. The love was quite real, but in many cases affair compartment love is only valid in the affair compartment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 have you tried reading his letters and then writing a response to them to let him know how you feel? ( not to be mailed to him, but more to help you organize your thoughts, let your feelings out, and begin to heal?) The only thing that I can think to say is that I never apologized for loving him. Unlike what he has done. I've been having intense dreams with him and his wife and myself all discussing our emotions. I suppose just processing this sh#t storm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) It's late stage. Edited February 18, 2013 by promises Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 So wifey has the dreaded "golden vagina syndrome", the mechanism by which a woman can convince herself that despite all the evidence of usury, cheating, selfishness and lying the man will not treat HER that way because she is so phenomenally above all other women! Is she smarter, prettier, kinder? Nope! So what could possibly make her infinitely better than these other women? Ahhhhh: her p*ssy must be made of gold! I can't stand women with that disorder. They are kind of hard to feel sorry for. Ya know, to be very honest: I don't like a good deal of OW/OM cause this syndrome is common amongst them. It's what allows them to believe the AP and easily dismiss the BS as some kind of inferior. I am glad you are getting over your case, she never will. There IS a point where someone is so stupidly conceited you cant pity them much: his W is in the zone... "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". I had to realize after my exH's second affair I was a dumb ass for taking him back the first time and accept responsibility in setting myself up. I'm glad to see you trying to take responsibility in your own misguided efforts. Ultimately you will be the winner in this scenario for it. At least by cutting him out you can be free to have real love. Your xMM most likely has NPD, He cant feel love.... That was a hard thing to understand about my ex, but once I really got my head around it I was thankful for having the wisdom to cut it off. Hahaha!!!! (I didn't say it, but have thought it.) Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 He needs a release?? Have him talk to his hand. These letters are absurd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 have you gotten to the point where you can allow yourself to feel angry towards him? anger is not always a bad thing. it's okay to feel anger, just don't hold on to it past it's 'best before" date I've been very angry, but I don't stay angry long at much of anything. That's sometimes a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 IIt still comes down to this though: he was always like this and you were fine with it when you were on top. You really can't say oh he's so mean to me now. You're getting a dose of what he was like to others in your favor. Not nice to be on the other end is it? My dose of reality now is I'm glad I'm not married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 He doesn't realize that this sympathy is costing me emotionally. No, he does not. I realize in my past relationships I didn't nag them enough. I see women successful with their men and maybe us nice women aren't nagging enough. I resent negativity in my life, but sometimes there is no other way to get through to people who are so self-absorbed. Link to post Share on other sites
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