tempest244 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Hi all. I'm a new member of this forum, who has signed up out of desperation. For years, I have been struggling with depression. It didn't come all at once, but developed gradually, and I believe it is based in a gradual erosion of my self-esteem, social isolation, and a negative mindset. As a child, I was told how incredibly intelligent I was. However, in the same breath, I was coddled and prevented from doing even the simplest of things for myself. Even today, my father expresses pity for me, thinking that living alone and earning a living is the worst thing imaginable. 'What will you do when I die!" he bemoans. My mother, who once wanted me to become a doctor or a lawyer, now (half-heartedly) just wants me to be happy, after having failed to live up to her expectations. Yes, she's made her peace with the fact that I'm mediocre. Unfortunately, she stills makes the occasional comment on how if I were a dentist/doctor/lawyer etc, I would have done X/Y/Z and made a ****load of cash. Both my parents are incredibly negative people, and stayed together in a broken relationship for decades. My social contact outside of school was minimal, I essentially had no friends throughout high school, and this non-existent social life has extended into my adult life. I feel like a spectator at group functions, and I just can't enjoy social contact. I have anxiety, OCD issues, and a phobia that dominates my life (emetophobia). I have psychosomatic manifestations of anxiety (RSI, IBS, and sensitivity to pain). I bounced from one worthless degree to another, and gravitated towards a mediocre job, because I didn't think I could achieve anything better, and thought I'd just rope a cushy job where I didn't have to do any complicated work, but would get paid and treated well. Boy was I DELUDED! Now I know that you don't get sweet f * all for nothing. If you do a menial job, you get treated like ****, and paid just as well. I feel like I'm not living life, but I just passively allow life to happen to me. I can't imagine myself being happy, successful, or rich. I can't imagine waking up in the morning full of energy and joy. I can't imagine being enthused about anything. I don't believe I deserve this. It's a ****ty pipe dream which is way above my head. When I wasn't working, I fell into massive self-hating slumps. Now that I work full time, I don't do that as often. Instead, I feel 'numb'. I can't get enjoyment from anything. I don't enjoy any of my old hobbies. For example, computer gaming used to provide me with such joy, that I would wake up early in the morning full of energy, just to have a game before school. Now I don't feel excited when the weekends come around, because I'm too tired and lacking in motivation to do something I enjoy. The thought of traveling anywhere, exercising, reading a book, or even playing a computer game just seems to be more effort than its worth. It's like my general anxiety pushes me through the week, and then I just crash. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to live this way any more. I feel like someone is slowly choking me, and the longer I withstand it, the less energy I have to fight back. How do I beat this thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Welcome to the board. There are plenty of good people here who have faced, or are facing depression as you are. One of the things you can do to help eleviate your depression is to talk, and specifically to tell stories. This site can be part of your outlet for getting things off your chest. Given that you are experience physical manifestations of your depression, as well as your phobia, you should consider seeking professional help in the way of a therapist. Also, some people find solace in self-help books. I enjoyed "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself". Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) You might want to Google RecreateYourLife.com and try the free interactive technique first, then read the book later to find out why it works. Some people just forget about the book and buy the self help DVDs if they can afford it, or have a phone session. Very effective, in my experience. Edited February 17, 2013 by FitChick Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 A lot of your problem is chemical and thus demands treatment of the chemistry with chemistry. I feel I would be probably long dead were I not to seek the benefits of emerging SSRI medications during the 90's forward. I often say that the effects of my taking Prozac are like "putting a pair of eye-glasses on the mind" where soon the micro world of detail of one's own emotions comes into sharp focus--perhaps for the first time. Human beings are not "created" from a software/hardware spec but come into the world through bio-chemical processes that rarely match ideal gene sources and produce the ideal outcome. It is therefor so that "abnormality" is the rule, and "normality" an artifice exception. Thus availing one's self to medications that improve efficiency in the chemistry should not be viewed as a cop out when it's actually now an "opt in". Proper medicine should have no controlling influence unless one is psychotic and needs elevated medical treatment. I never feel my Prozac in my system, I just notice that I cope better and fret less over time because it helps me think as faster or faster than I "feel". I can therefore choose my feelings and discipline them into proportions without impulse to cycle around and add a level of frustration every time I get to the things that upset me again. "Talk therapy" without addressing your chemistry with a proper psychiatrist can actually work against you. There is a line between finding reason and simply indulging you malady. And therapy is often squashed into small time slots where you can come out just jacked up on piss and vinegar. Take a medical approach. Do whatever you'd do for a medical condition--check your insurance, see doctor, get a referral if you need one to a psychiatrist and expect medication to take time to reveal its merits. They often come in very subtle ways and putting these together in your head shows you how to discipline your mind and emotions so that you don't keep taking side trips to amplified frustration. Good luck and come back and share. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tempest244 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 I agree with you on talk therapy. A long while back, I had a very nice therapist who I used to talk to about general things in my life, and it only made me worse. I'd walk out of the therapy room feeling drained, miserable and a little ashamed, and nothing ever changed. Bitching to others about my life problems made me feel worse too. Either they would go 'Mmm hmm' or just avoid me (can't blame them, really). I do think its self-reinforcing. If you dwell on bad things, this merely reinforces their importance in your mind. The problem is that I'm at the point where even if I don't dwell on bad things, I'm bloody tired and unable to find pleasure in anything. I get foul moods less frequently, but feel more 'flat' in general. I'm also finding it harder to concentrate and focus. I know that going out and exercising would help me, but where the hell do I find the energy? I spent all day at working feeling drained, with a heavy head and bloating. I have made half-hearted tries with medication in the past, but never stuck with it due to skepticism, side effects (drowsiness), a sense of shame and fear at needing to rely on medication for the rest of my life, and plain laziness. I've made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday. I'm going to give the anti-depressants another crack. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Each step at the time. Recognizing you're depressed is the first one. The next step is doing all you can to sharpen your weapons and cope with your everyday life. My advice: DIET, SPORT and SLEEP 1. Watch your diet. It may sound totally silly, but we are what we eat, so think proteins, fish and a LOT of fresh food, veggies, fruit, nuts and almonds. 2. Sport: running or anything that involved breaking a good sweat is soooo important. Your body will be producing those "happy" endorphins and will help you break the "unhappiness" circle, even is for a short while. When running, you're not thinking, so it'll also give you a break from your "head". Last, but not least, it will get you very tired, meaning that you are improving your chances of getting proper sleep. 3. Sleep: lack of sleep deprives us from thinking objectively of what happens to us and with us, and makes small problems look huge, we are inflating their importance, and don't even realize it. I think getting proper rest is even more important than diet and sport, because it doesn't cloud your mind. You need to keep your mind extra clear, so that you can differentiate from the thoughts that come out of your fears and objective situations. Obviously, then there is the therapy which will help you improve whatever it is that's making you depressed. Depression is a mental disease, so on a rational level, you can beat it, with medicine, therapy and the right type of lifestyle. But you need to be totally committed to getting better, doing your homework properly and being very consistent at following ALL the right steps. No matter how many times you feel like giving up (or stop), get back on the track and start fighting all over again. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Hi all. I'm a new member of this forum, who has signed up out of desperation. For years, I have been struggling with depression. It didn't come all at once, but developed gradually, and I believe it is based in a gradual erosion of my self-esteem, social isolation, and a negative mindset. As a child, I was told how incredibly intelligent I was. However, in the same breath, I was coddled and prevented from doing even the simplest of things for myself. Even today, my father expresses pity for me, thinking that living alone and earning a living is the worst thing imaginable. 'What will you do when I die!" he bemoans. My mother, who once wanted me to become a doctor or a lawyer, now (half-heartedly) just wants me to be happy, after having failed to live up to her expectations. Yes, she's made her peace with the fact that I'm mediocre. Unfortunately, she stills makes the occasional comment on how if I were a dentist/doctor/lawyer etc, I would have done X/Y/Z and made a ****load of cash. Both my parents are incredibly negative people, and stayed together in a broken relationship for decades. My social contact outside of school was minimal, I essentially had no friends throughout high school, and this non-existent social life has extended into my adult life. I feel like a spectator at group functions, and I just can't enjoy social contact. I have anxiety, OCD issues, and a phobia that dominates my life (emetophobia). I have psychosomatic manifestations of anxiety (RSI, IBS, and sensitivity to pain). I bounced from one worthless degree to another, and gravitated towards a mediocre job, because I didn't think I could achieve anything better, and thought I'd just rope a cushy job where I didn't have to do any complicated work, but would get paid and treated well. Boy was I DELUDED! Now I know that you don't get sweet f * all for nothing. If you do a menial job, you get treated like ****, and paid just as well. I feel like I'm not living life, but I just passively allow life to happen to me. I can't imagine myself being happy, successful, or rich. I can't imagine waking up in the morning full of energy and joy. I can't imagine being enthused about anything. I don't believe I deserve this. It's a ****ty pipe dream which is way above my head. When I wasn't working, I fell into massive self-hating slumps. Now that I work full time, I don't do that as often. Instead, I feel 'numb'. I can't get enjoyment from anything. I don't enjoy any of my old hobbies. For example, computer gaming used to provide me with such joy, that I would wake up early in the morning full of energy, just to have a game before school. Now I don't feel excited when the weekends come around, because I'm too tired and lacking in motivation to do something I enjoy. The thought of traveling anywhere, exercising, reading a book, or even playing a computer game just seems to be more effort than its worth. It's like my general anxiety pushes me through the week, and then I just crash. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to live this way any more. I feel like someone is slowly choking me, and the longer I withstand it, the less energy I have to fight back. How do I beat this thing? you may well be `at the end of your rope` but.... you can climb back up it you know??? i`ve been down that same rope many times 1st thing you need to address is well 2 things no 1 is..... what makes you unhappy? no2 is what makes you happy? no3 is getting to a point where there is no longer a no 1 it can be done you dont even have to answer on here, but to yourself answer no1 and write it down on paper EVERYTHING that makes you unhappy aM Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts