He had a gf the WHOLE TIME! Are we meant to be Monogamous or Polyamorous??

[RemiHoney]

Why do men REALLY do this? I think the topic of monogamy and polygamy have importance in this..

 

I'm 23 years old, I've had boyfriends and men I've very much liked but never hit it off strong enough to get into relationships with them. Of course, I've flirted but never have I flirted so bluntly as I have with him and this is what burns.

 

I've always heard about this happening and I don't mean to sound naïve but the truth is I've never been 'led on' by a man who is by all means SPOKEN FOR and he tried to hide it!

 

Here's what happened:

 

For the past 7 weeks I've been attending a course in the city. All types of adults (usually 22 y/o and older attend it) take it so there is definitely a mixture of people from all over the place. Upon starting the course there were 6 or so people who were new to the course, me as well. Jacob [name is changed] was part of that group and I didn't know it at first but as things would turn out, I would develop a huge attraction towards him.

 

I don't know what it was that triggered the attraction but it went both ways. At first it was merely innocent comments/compliments, then glances and as we got paired more for lesson plans we got to know each other on a personal basis. I'm so embarrassed and I'm actually cringing about how brazen I got when flirting. It's been in my habit to use my eyes to convey messages and it's been in his habit to do the same. Excuse my language but if you ever needed any evidence of eye-f-cking than that would be us. Sometimes the attention we put on each other would screw up our lesson plans and one of us would have to not look at the other in order to get through it. OBVIOUSLY, a lot of tension had been building up and it's been in my nature to let it build up and up till your body literally aches.

 

Today he was pulling all the moves and I was biting...until my lesson plan changed everything. It's so funny that it was a lesson plan that brought up the discovery of this out-of-nowhere girlfriend of his but here's how it went down. Basically, I told the 'mock' class to write down a list of questions and then go around the room and ask those questions (I won't get into detail about what the subject/lesson was on). Upon walking around the room to monitor people, I came precisely at the right moment to him when a classmate of ours was asking him a question and OH MY..

 

She had the perfect question made up, it was simply, "Do you have a girlfriend". Simple, eh? Upon us waiting for his answer we only hear a long pause, a longer pause and then still a pause...I already knew by then. When he answered positive to the question I acted calm and praised them for conducting the sample lesson correctly. I went on to successfully complete the lesson with the rest of the room and upon returning to my seat I could see from the corner of my eye his constant glances towards me. By the end of the class we parted ways, no comments, no stares.

 

Hah! Imagine if I were not there to hear that response and even better, he didn't even want to answer the question in front of me. Ugh, led on and left there to dry! I'm so upset at him and pissed that I let myself be had in that way. BUT, I'm forever freaking grateful I did not let my urges get the best of me and do something that I would later regret and feel even worst about.

 

Why do men do this, REALLY? If you want to flirt with other women in that manner as I've described above, why do you put yourself in a monogamous relationship where you have to intentionally hide that fact. Can it really be that a percentage of now-monogamous men are not really meant to be monogamous or what? Because do you truly want to hurt the person you are in a relationship with? I don't think that's the case in most situations, men (and women too) just seem to act out on others when they're in a relationship because they have 'urges', what is that? I'm just spewing things here..

[londonlad]

It's because men only properly bound with their girl in about 2 out of 10 relationships. Men are accustomed to women coming and going at various stages of attraction and dating, girlfriends are no different. To be honest most men take what (who) they can get then when they're in a relationship (where they don't really feel a bound) they start to think the grass is greener on the other side. Plus men like attention almost as much as women. And of course the main reason is.... our balls tell us almost 24/7 "get a female now". Women get hormonal once a month and and men expected to respect that. Men are hormonal all the time, this is not often pointed out.

[RemiHoney]

And of course the main reason is.... our balls tell us almost 24/7 "get a female now". Women get hormonal once a month and and men expected to respect that. Men are hormonal all the time, this is not often pointed out.

 

If that's true than why don't you just jump into polygamist relationships rather than spoil a monogamous relationship with a female who might just want you all for herself?

 

Do you think that woman can't also be hormonal all the time in the way we're referring to men being hormonal?

[londonlad]

If that's true than why don't you just jump into polygamist relationships rather than spoil a monogamous relationship with a female who might just want you all for herself?

 

Do you think that woman can't also be hormonal all the time in the way we're referring to men being hormonal?

 

Because those are not as easy to find and we think we can get away with cheating etc. Or we just don't think about it. To be honest it's just the nature of people that we do strange things. Have you not learned that yet? Men do stupid illogical things and so do women. In fact I have seen women do exactly the same thing you're talking about.

 

Life.

[loversquarrel]

Maybe you were reading into this flirtatious behavior a little too much? I am one who is totally against cheating. I think it is wrong for people who are in a monogomous relationship to flirt with others, as flirting is basically fishing for opportunities. I also think if the flirting were as seriously engaging as you would suggest, he could have very easily hidden the fact he had a GF by answering no to the question. He was making it blatantly obvious that he had a GF, maybe you were making him uncomfortable...

[RemiHoney]

Because those are not as easy to find and we think we can get away with cheating etc. Or we just don't think about it. To be honest it's just the nature of people that we do strange things. Have you not learned that yet? Men do stupid illogical things and so do women. In fact I have seen women do exactly the same thing you're talking about.

 

Life.

 

Yes, its called life but is life the same for everyone? Sorry that seems too general to sum up all actions. I get what you are saying.

[RemiHoney]

Maybe you were reading into this flirtatious behavior a little too much? I am one who is totally against cheating. I think it is wrong for people who are in a monogomous relationship to flirt with others, as flirting is basically fishing for opportunities. I also think if the flirting were as seriously engaging as you would suggest, he could have very easily hidden the fact he had a GF by answering no to the question. He was making it blatantly obvious that he had a GF, maybe you were making him uncomfortable...

 

This would make complete sense, don't get me wrong, but today he went and did the dumbest thing. He came up to me and explained his reason for not mentioning to me that he was in a relationship. His reason was because him and her weren't on the best of terms and that he's really trying to separate from her. He also said he didn't want me to find out like that but some 'stupidity in him' (his own words) just blurted it out which I find odd because he paused for such a long time when that question came up. I asked him at point blank, "Why didn't you just lie on the question when I was there?" and he said he wanted to be honest but knew it was such an awkward way to bring it up and he felt extremely embarrassed by it.

 

He then asks me out on a date this Monday and said he wanted to do this earlier but didn't know how to bring up the fact that he has a girlfriend.

 

-_- just say you have a girlfriend. I told him no and mentally gave him the finger.

 

^_^

[Vixen Gemma]

I haven't commented on here in a while! Ohh LoveShack

 

I went through something very similar to this. He's in the wrong for sure. There are better men out there hun. And good for you, tell his ass no!

[loversquarrel]

Good for you then. This guy is trouble and not worth it.

[RemiHoney]

Thank you all!

[pbjbear]

Because those are not as easy to find and we think we can get away with cheating etc. Or we just don't think about it. To be honest it's just the nature of people that we do strange things. Have you not learned that yet? Men do stupid illogical things and so do women. In fact I have seen women do exactly the same thing you're talking about.

 

Life.

 

I think the vast majority of men would be players if they had the options, but a small % of them do. Hence why I kind of feel relationships are pointless. Im not sure why women get the bad rep for never being satisfied, I find with men you can be the whole package and they arent satisfied after a certain amount of time passes...they get bored no matter what

[kaylan]

This would make complete sense, don't get me wrong, but today he went and did the dumbest thing. He came up to me and explained his reason for not mentioning to me that he was in a relationship. His reason was because him and her weren't on the best of terms and that he's really trying to separate from her. He also said he didn't want me to find out like that but some 'stupidity in him' (his own words) just blurted it out which I find odd because he paused for such a long time when that question came up. I asked him at point blank, "Why didn't you just lie on the question when I was there?" and he said he wanted to be honest but knew it was such an awkward way to bring it up and he felt extremely embarrassed by it.

 

He then asks me out on a date this Monday and said he wanted to do this earlier but didn't know how to bring up the fact that he has a girlfriend.

 

-_- just say you have a girlfriend. I told him no and mentally gave him the finger.

 

^_^

Dudes a pig.

 

Trust me that plenty of men are not like him. There are guys out there who value their relationships, or if they are dating the wrong girl, they dump her before asking out other women.

 

There are still people left in the world with some integrity.

[ChessPieceFace]

I don't know what it was that triggered the attraction but it went both ways

 

Yeah. I know what it was ...

 

Why do men do this, REALLY?

 

Why are the cheating men the ones who are flirtatious and why are you attracted to those men? Better answer that question for yourself. You can start looking for better men or be YET ANOTHER WOMAN that goes after cheaters, whines about how all men are cheaters and ignores all the men who aren't cheaters.

[laaddict]

Thank you all!

 

You sound pretty intelligent. Good for you for rejecting a loser and having at least some kind of standards, you and your future family will be better off with your self-respect and emotions intact.

 

It is nice that he said the truth, but ideally he would dump her BEFORE flirting, any other behavior is just sad and pathetic and who wants to have a sad and pathetic life partner/soul mate?

[Survivor12]

Why are the cheating men the ones who are flirtatious and why are you attracted to those men? Better answer that question for yourself. You can start looking for better men or be YET ANOTHER WOMAN that goes after cheaters, whines about how all men are cheaters and ignores all the men who aren't cheaters.

 

"Yet another woman that goes after cheaters"? Why are you making it sound as though she did something wrong? She had an attraction to a guy & when she found out that he had a gf, she shut him down. How was she supposed to know that he is a cheater? Geeze.

 

RH, sounds as though you dodged a bullet. It's much easier to bounce back from a little disappointment now than to find out after you've dated him that you've been deceived. Whatsmore, even if he does end up without a gf, you already know that he can't be trusted. Next!

[RemiHoney]

Yeah. I know what it was ...

 

 

 

Why are the cheating men the ones who are flirtatious and why are you attracted to those men? Better answer that question for yourself. You can start looking for better men or be YET ANOTHER WOMAN that goes after cheaters, whines about how all men are cheaters and ignores all the men who aren't cheaters.

 

Yea, if it wasn't for that '...' I don't think I would've been able to guess the rest of that sentence .

 

I think you read a post and didn't bother to read the comments that lent more knowledge to my post. If you did I don't think you would've said some things, ChessPieceFace.

 

Let me wrongfully generalize here but if all woman were psychic than we'd know what men/women are cheaters and depending on our actions we could then arrive to a conclusion on whether to be YET ANOTHER WOMAN.

 

Did you read anything? Was not my reaction to decline his offer for a date not a blatant sign to me wanting to rather have a better man? This is not a case of 'why do all (intentional use of generalization) woman like to date the bad guy?' Keep in mind that humans are completely capable of keeping secrets, you write as if I intended to keep my wits about him after knowledge of his infidel ways.

 

P.S. Not all women think all men are cheaters, some of us like to think positive.

[todreaminblue]

i dont understand polygamy.......i cant even multi date...i did once when i was a teen almost caused a massive fight which made me sick in the guts i ended up going out with neither...... i dont want to share a guy i am with, my heart would not allow it....i expect a guy to be faithful to me.....and i would be the same....that to me makes sense....feels right and good...........monogamy all the way.......

[RemiHoney]

I think the vast majority of men would be players if they had the options, but a small % of them do. Hence why I kind of feel relationships are pointless. Im not sure why women get the bad rep for never being satisfied, I find with men you can be the whole package and they arent satisfied after a certain amount of time passes...they get bored no matter what

 

I can see why relationships for some are pointless but even in cases where people would rather have multiple and open relationships at that it's also understandable. Who is to say that a relationship is define between two people? I mean, personally that's the way I prefer it but for others polygamy is a way of life and sometimes it works out well for those individuals.

 

Sometimes, I feel woman get the bad rep for never being satisfied because of the fact we are 'allowed' to be more vocal with our emotions and if I'm not mistaken, LoveShack tends to get the bulk of their posts from females, at least from my time on here that's what it mostly looks like so that kind of says something, possibly. Men in this case are underlooked.

[RemiHoney]

i dont understand polygamy.......i cant even multi date...i did once when i was a teen almost caused a massive fight which made me sick in the guts i ended up going out with neither...... i dont want to share a guy i am with, my heart would not allow it....i expect a guy to be faithful to me.....and i would be the same....that to me makes sense....feels right and good...........monogamy all the way.......

 

 

I choose to be monogamist as well. I have friends who prefer to be in polygamist relationships. What makes me know that they're going by it respectfully is by allowing any potential girl to know that this is their lifestyle, they don't leave her finding this out in some horrid scenario where they look like they've done any wrong. I think most tend to think that men/women do it solely for sexual gratification purposes but that's not fair, my polyamorous friends tend to be the happiest and stress-free out the bunch.

[salparadise]

This is all just human nature, part if it is the genetic-biological urge to merge, and the other part is the conflict between that and the sociological sense of morality that we learn and integrate in this society. The latter does not replace the biological urge, it's just layered over top. We experience both, but some are more constrained by social convention than others.

 

Few animals on this planet are monogamous. Humans are not inherently monogamous, but we have [mostly] adopted monogamy as a social convention. Some even equate it to good vs. evil (especially on this forum). However, only a small number, regardless of gender or what they say they believe, are so resolute and constrained that they would never under any circumstances violate this social convention.

 

It's all about optimizing reproductive success. It's explained in an interesting, understandable way by Robert Wright in his book on evolutionary psychology, The Moral Animal.