I want a child; do I break this off now or wait?

[mattea]

First off I am a woman and 39, so it is late in life to have a child. However, I know/see quite a few women in their early 40's having children and it is a lot more common. I am healthy and have no reason to think I wouldn't be able to have a child, but not certain and not sure for how much longer.

 

I recently started dating a 43 year old man who has a 2 1/2 year old son. I realize that a lot of men around my age will have a child or children, and have often thought that they wouldn't want more if their children were already 'older'. With this man - he loves his son like crazy, is a very devoted father who has his son half the time, and only has one son who is still young. So I really thought he'd be open to having another child, and maybe even want his son to have a sibling.

 

However, he has had a VERY hard time of it. He was laid off not long after his son was born (after 12 years at the same place in a good career), has done odd jobs but is in a bad place financially. He is finally working again, but won't have nearly the income he had before and is incredibly stressed and worried about supporting his son, where he will live (he has been living with family for a few months), etc., etc. Plus he and his ex separated early on (when his son was 6 months old) and it sounds like it was more her decision and wasn't what he wanted. He didn't date for 2 years, til meeting me just a couple months ago.

 

Our relationship is still very young, and I'm not saying I want to have a child right now, but I need to know he is open to it if things progress with us. He knows I want a child, and that it is a strong desire for me that isn't going to go away. He has expressed that he is exhausted and it has been so hard and he's struggling so much. At times he's seemed to say 'no way' (and talked about a vasectomy), at other times he seems to consider it and has even said stuff like, 'not ready just yet' or even referred to 'our' future child. Right now he is trying to crawl out of a major financial hole, get back to having his own place, and deal with major stress. He also seems to have concerns about his son 'bouncing around' when there is another child who would live full time with him and another mother.

 

He has every valid and understandable reason for not wanting another child, especially under the current circumstances. I am not ready to have a child with him right now - our relationship is still way too new and he needs to get back on his feet. (Personally, I am not as worried about the financial aspects though as I make very good money, but I understand why he is). Anyway, I know this desire is not going to go away for me and would feel like a HUGE loss if I don't ever get to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know that I have a big heart and could love his son and have a special relationship with him, but he has a mom who loves him very much and I wouldn't take her place nor would I want to. I want to experience having a child of my own, with a man I love. I feel that I am headed that way with this man - I am definitely falling in love with him and it is clearly going both ways. There is a lot that is good with it, starting with the open communication and so much more...

 

I don't know what to do here, though. Am I wasting my time and possibly losing my opportunity by hoping he will feel differently if/when our relationship becomes more serious with more of a foundation and he's in a better place financially? He talks about his deep love for and pride in his son and all the amazing and adorable moments they have together every time I see him. Like I said, I don't doubt I could love his son, but I'm so afraid of never experiencing bringing life into the world and knowing motherhood. I am so happy for him and admire so much the kind of dad he is, but it is sometimes hard for me to see him having that experience, knowing I might not get the same chance. What must it be like to have had this person come from you? I wish I knew, afraid I never will.

 

I just don't want to stick it out and hope for him to change his mind or feel differently. That might be foolish. On the other hand, the circumstances are extreme for him and getting better, and our relationship is still so young. I would feel so much more at ease if I was with someone who knew what they wanted (and it was a child), but it isn't like I meet men all the time who I connect with this way. I had been dating a little for quite awhile before he came along and sort of 'rocked my world'. Doesn't happen every day!

 

Help!!

[whichwayisup]

That's a tough decision you're gonna have to make one day. He seems to be really leaning towards not having another child. for so many reasons.

 

Talk to him and let him know your expectations, your dreams and desires. Ask him about his as well. Hopefully he will be open to it but if he really doesn't want another baby, you may have to walk away.. You don't want to hate or resent him if you stay and you don't want him to resent you or leave you once you have a baby with him..

[mattea]

That's a tough decision you're gonna have to make one day. He seems to be really leaning towards not having another child. for so many reasons.

 

Talk to him and let him know your expectations, your dreams and desires. Ask him about his as well. Hopefully he will be open to it but if he really doesn't want another baby, you may have to walk away.. You don't want to hate or resent him if you stay and you don't want him to resent you or leave you once you have a baby with him..

 

We have talked a little, and I am sure we will more. It is just that, I'm not sure from his current vantage point he can really see feeling differently/wanting a child, whereas down the line when he's 'back on his feet' it could be a different conversation. Is now really the right time to talk about this, or should I put it on hold for a couple months and address it then after we've had some more time to develop our relationship and he's had some time to get to a better place personally?

[Nyla]

You don't have a lot of time to waste because of your age.

 

Not that women cannot have healthy babies at 39, but it is much harder for a woman who is almost forty to become and stay pregnant. The risk of birth defects goes way up as well.

 

If your relationship is young and your boyfriend is preoccupied with financial concerns, by the time he is ready it could be even later for you to have a baby.

 

My SIL is 38. She has one child and she desperately wants another baby, however she has had two miscarriages last year and her husband doesn't really want another child. He is very traumatized by watching his wife endure two miscarriages and her age does not make things any easier.

[mattea]

You don't have a lot of time to waste because of your age.

 

Not that women cannot have healthy babies at 39, but it is much harder for a woman who is almost forty to become and stay pregnant. The risk of birth defects goes way up as well.

 

If your relationship is young and your boyfriend is preoccupied with financial concerns, by the time he is ready it could be even later for you to have a baby.

 

My SIL is 38. She has one child and she desperately wants another baby, however she has had two miscarriages last year and her husband doesn't really want another child. He is very traumatized by watching his wife endure two miscarriages and her age does not make things any easier.

 

It sounds like you are suggesting to either end it now (and hope I meet someone else very soon who also wants to have a child) or at least talk to him now about this rather than waiting (even though our relationship is so new and his circumstances pretty messy)?

[Nyla]

It sounds like you are suggesting to either end it now (and hope I meet someone else very soon who also wants to have a child) or at least talk to him now about this rather than waiting (even though our relationship is so new and his circumstances pretty messy)?

 

All I am doing is reminding you that time is of the essence. I'm sure that you realize that.

 

Meeting someone who wants a child is only one piece of the puzzle. It has to be someone you can imagine raising a child with.

 

Your boyfriend has some very reasonable concerns, but so do you.

 

It is a difficult situation.

 

Do you have the resources to be able to afford IVF in case you can't get pregnant the old fashioned way? What about adoption?

[pink_sugar]

That is a very difficult position to be in. You have to consider if you really want to spend more time waiting while it becomes harder and harder to have a child and risk having an unfavorable outcome or breaking it off and considerin IVF and supporting a child on your own. If you want a child you need a firm answer of whether or not he would be open to having another child in the near future. Emphasize that with your income, you could make it work. As you get older the higher chances of complications become.

[mattea]

Meeting someone who wants a child is only one piece of the puzzle. It has to be someone you can imagine raising a child with.

 

Exactly! And that is the thing - I can see what an awesome dad he is, and how much he prioritizes it. Plus we communicate in a way I never have with anyone, so I feel really positive about him and a potentially good relationship long term. I know it is still early, though...

 

 

Do you have the resources to be able to afford IVF in case you can't get pregnant the old fashioned way? What about adoption?

 

Yes, I have resources. I'm not really sure I'm ready to decide to do it on my own right this minute, but I've considered it. I wanted it to be in the context of a loving relationship, but I know that might not happen so I have thought about it. Not sure about adoption either, as a big part of this for me is really wanting to experience pregnancy and have a child of my own. I know that, regardless of what happens with my boyfriend, it might not be possible, but it is what I hope for...

[mattea]

That is a very difficult position to be in. You have to consider if you really want to spend more time waiting while it becomes harder and harder to have a child and risk having an unfavorable outcome or breaking it off and considerin IVF and supporting a child on your own. If you want a child you need a firm answer of whether or not he would be open to having another child in the near future. Emphasize that with your income, you could make it work. As you get older the higher chances of complications become.

 

Yes, it sure is a difficult position. I think that sooner than later I will need to have an answer about whether it is really a flat 'no' for him, or something that he could see doing given that finances wouldn't be a concern due to my income, and also that I'm looking for a life partner to share a family with (I think his ex was not really ready for that). I won't feel good about breaking it off without at least having the discussion and letting him know really clearly where I'm at, getting a fully clear picture of where he's at, and talking it through. It is hard to do that because we've been dating such a short time and he is already under immense pressure, but I know there is too much at stake for me to wait too long to talk about this more.

[sunshinegirl]

I guess I would think about it this way:

 

(a) Am I committed to having a child only if I can find the right partner first? If so, I'd dump your current guy so you can find someone who is enthusiastic about having a child with you. As you know, that might take time.

 

(b) Am I willing to go-it-alone? If so, I'd set an internal timeline and if your guy doesn't clearly commit by your timeline to (enthusiastically) having another child, I'd dump him and start IVF immediately.

 

It's kind of a rough go and I'm sorry you're in this position. On the other hand, I know two women (with decent resources!) who decided to go it alone and now have infants, and they're doing just fine.

[pink_sugar]

Definitely agree with the above. He may not be in any rush (I've known men who've had kids in their early 50's, believe it or not.) Although that's obviously not realistic for women given being close to menopause and much increased risk of complications. Ask yourself if you want kids with him (or a partner) or do you want kids no matter what? For me personally, if I wasn't in a serious relationship I wouldn't think of having kids. There's no way I could be a single mother. I would want to enjoy it with another person. That is just me. You have to decide what is best for you.

[Nyla]

Exactly! And that is the thing - I can see what an awesome dad he is, and how much he prioritizes it. Plus we communicate in a way I never have with anyone, so I feel really positive about him and a potentially good relationship long term. I know it is still early, though...

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have resources. I'm not really sure I'm ready to decide to do it on my own right this minute, but I've considered it. I wanted it to be in the context of a loving relationship, but I know that might not happen so I have thought about it. Not sure about adoption either, as a big part of this for me is really wanting to experience pregnancy and have a child of my own. I know that, regardless of what happens with my boyfriend, it might not be possible, but it is what I hope for...

 

I'm glad that you see that your boyfriend is a wonderful father. That must be very encouraging. How long have you been with him? I'm not saying that you may not find someone, but it has to be a man that wants to have a child almost immediately along with being someone you can get along with. It would be rather hard to find both of those attributes.

 

Most men would probably want to wait at least a year to get to know a woman before having a child with her.

 

If you want to experience pregnancy, adoption would not be fulfilling for you.

[BetheButterfly]

I guess I would think about it this way:

 

(a) Am I committed to having a child only if I can find the right partner first? If so, I'd dump your current guy so you can find someone who is enthusiastic about having a child with you. As you know, that might take time.

 

(b) Am I willing to go-it-alone? If so, I'd set an internal timeline and if your guy doesn't clearly commit by your timeline to (enthusiastically) having another child, I'd dump him and start IVF immediately.

 

It's kind of a rough go and I'm sorry you're in this position. On the other hand, I know two women (with decent resources!) who decided to go it alone and now have infants, and they're doing just fine.

 

Those are great questions.

 

OP, if it is really important for you to be a Mom, then I do think you need to ask yourself those questions and to communicate the answers to this man you are dating, then make decisions based on his desires too. I think it's a good idea to date someone who shares one's goals/desires.

[mattea]

Definitely agree with the above. He may not be in any rush (I've known men who've had kids in their early 50's, believe it or not.) Although that's obviously not realistic for women given being close to menopause and much increased risk of complications. Ask yourself if you want kids with him (or a partner) or do you want kids no matter what? For me personally, if I wasn't in a serious relationship I wouldn't think of having kids. There's no way I could be a single mother. I would want to enjoy it with another person. That is just me. You have to decide what is best for you.

 

It is a very valid question, and one I've been thinking about. What I want is to become a parent with a man who wants the same thing and will be thrilled about it as I would. I realize, having not found this at my age, it might not come to pass. On the other hand, having to chose between being a single mother or never becoming a mother? Neither sounds good. It isn't a fun place to be.

[ToGuy]

I think you have to ask yourself, would you be happier with him and no new baby, or single with a new baby.

 

Assume he will not want one, and make your decision based on that.

 

And financial trouble can ruin the best relationships. That makes the topic of something the costs lots of money for 20 years, that you can't return to sender, a major decision.

 

For me, it was not a baby or I'm the door issue. It was, she would like them, but was o.k. if we didn't have one. (Now after having the little guy, she could not live without him, for me, he is my little buddy, now I can't imagine not having him)