SilverBelle25 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 After 25 years, I have given up. Being content with someone shouldn't be such hard work. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 After 25 years, I have given up. Being content with someone shouldn't be such hard work. Hugs I don't blame you... Love doesn't have to be difficult - or a battle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
zackburnet Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Just wait !! Just wait, love will come on its own is not forced.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You are brave. Love shouldn't be hard, it makes two to work. If only one, in this case you, are willing to work on it to keep both of you content then it's not worth it. It'll drain all your love/power, your SO takes you for granted. *gives big hug* Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You've just positioned yourself perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
Esoteric Elf Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 After 25 years, I have given up. Being content with someone shouldn't be such hard work. Do you realize how much time, money, emotional investment, and other resources can go into trying to forge a relationship (or even just a date) these days? Crazy stuff, man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverBelle25 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 We were 21 and 23, got pregnant and married within 3 months of meeting at college. We still love each other and generally like each other, but we are on opposite ends of the spectrum in ways of thinking and doing things. He's very practical and I'm very emotional. The "straw that broke the camel's back", so to say, was in the fall when I kept trying to pin him down for special 25th anniversary celebration plans and he wouldn't give me the attention or specifics to finalize anything. I had been saying for 10 to 15 years beforehand that I wanted a special celebration for our 25th, like a cruise. It never happened. Then he tried to say we could take a cruise this spring, but it wasn't about the cruise, it was about the significance of 25 years of being together. We went to dinner the night of our anniversary. We go to dinner together 2 to 3 times a week. Then, about a month ago, I was trying to get over the disappointment of the non-anniversary, after all, he is a good guy and responsible and caring (in his way), and has stuck with me over the years. But, then I discovered that an issue I thought we resolved a long time ago is still happening, unbeknownst to me, over the last couple of years. That's when I began seriously about separating/divorcing while we still do love and care about each other and are not hating each other. We are both going to individual counseling, and will go to marital counseling, too. And, with his consent/support, I quit my part-time job and will be spending time out of state visiting my kids/grandkids and other friends, family, and traveling; trying to sort out what I'm calling my "midlife crisis". Thank you all for your responses and interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Esoteric Elf Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I do. About 1/1,000,000,000th as much as goes into trying to keep a bad, lonely or one-sided marriage stay alive. lol. No. Link to post Share on other sites
Esoteric Elf Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Speaking from experience? I am. As the feminist said in their defense of men who claimed they knew nothing of society in the late 19th century: "we watch from the hilltop on society, commenting on it and analyzing it"; they were well-equipped as scientists if you will looking on and analyzing. No, I have no experience, though my parent's relationship is quite a degenerat one in case. I don't need to have experience to know that 1/1,000,000,000th in terms of money would make this figure $1 billion (I mentioned money) in mending a marriage considering a date is a buck, which is laughable. Spend $1 billion to mend a marriage? You really are careless with language. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Spend $1 billion to mend a marriage? You really are careless with language. Yeah...but imagine how nice that cruise would be. Here's hoping you come to a resolution you can live with SilverBelle. I'm sure you know 25-years is nothing to toss away, and obviously, somewhere deep inside you've heard that little voice saying "Is this it? This is my life?" You will do what you feel is best, but (speaking as someone who was married long term, now divorced) regardless of your marriage status we all have two lives; the one we planned, and the one we have. That's life. Not certain how my ex feels, but for me hindsight is 20/20. There are many things I wish I would have done for her. Still, what reward did I receive for the things I did do? What was I given for being loving and faithful? I wrestled with this question for the longest time before realizing it was part of my problem. I wanted compensation. I wanted a bonus...a return on my investment. I didn't do enough things 'just because'. Somewhere, deep inside, I had an agenda. Not everything, and, I even began to realize it before the marriage went south. Still, what I did (or didn't do) was on me. If you leave is search of perfection, you'll be disappointed. It doesn't exist. Next in line for things difficult to find would be faithful partners. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Then, about a month ago, I was trying to get over the disappointment of the non-anniversary, after all, he is a good guy and responsible and caring (in his way), and has stuck with me over the years. But, then I discovered that an issue I thought we resolved a long time ago is still happening, unbeknownst to me, over the last couple of years. Out of curiosity, what was the issue? That's when I began seriously about separating/divorcing while we still do love and care about each other and are not hating each other. I am not at 25 years yet. We are at 23. Yet I have questioned why it is/was difficult to keep a marriage happy, content or even okay. I concluded that it was but my situation may be different in many ways. We have kids at home. We have a good friendship. We simply missed the connection physically/sexually and a deeper emotional connection. We have it back now. Life is different. I can say that your marriage can be better, but I cannot say that it will be perfect. You both have made a good start at bringing it back by attending counseling. You do show an example to your kids/grandkids by what you do. Be careful with your separation. If you meet someone or he meets someone, this rebuilding could go totally wrong. Hopefully, this self-searching works out for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverBelle25 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 /me separates Barnacle-Bob and Esoteric Elf into different corners of the thread -- No fighting, it's my thread Sorry, JamesM, too personal to discuss the "issue". Many years ago, someone once asked me if I was happily married. I replied, "Sometimes." I think that the lack of emotional connection I feel has always been there over the years, but I was distracted by the needs of my "babies", and was getting enough emotional connection from them. Now that they are a "grown-ass man" (my son's words ) and women, I am realizing how much husband and I are lacking in that department. As for faithful partners - he is one of the good guys. As for separation - I am seeking MYSELF, not looking for a replacement man. Granted, the first thing I'm doing is going to help out with babysitting my 7-month-old grandson, but right after that I will be taking care of myself, not someone else, after 25 years of focusing on husband and kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Act Two Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Many years ago, someone once asked me if I was happily married. I replied, "Sometimes." I think that the lack of emotional connection I feel has always been there over the years, but I was distracted by the needs of my "babies", and was getting enough emotional connection from them. I totally get that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverBelle25 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Over 25 years ago, H and I met and within a matter of hours were physically intimate. I was reluctant, having come out of bad relationship a couple months before, but H was very persuasive and cute . During our intimacy, I got upset with myself because H was not XBF, and I couldn't believe I was having sex with a guy I just met! Things stopped, and H was caring and concerned. Self-revelation yesterday: (in sports analogy) From the very beginning, H was in the sex-for-physical-fulfillment league; but I was/am in the sex-for-emotional fulfillment league. The first night, I stepped onto H's league's playing field of physical fulfillment; but have been wanting him to play on my field of the emotional league. I can't expect him to play in my league unless he wants to. I willingly stepped into his league; albeit naively, knowing that having sex that night with a stranger was a physical thing, but not being consciously aware at the time of my emotional league. H says that he is in the emotional league now, too; but I feel that how he defines emotional is little league compared to my defining emotional, which is major league, and maybe unattainable. But, we are talking about it. It was a good self-revelation for me; and a good step for us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Honestly, from what little you've written here it sounds to me that you have an almost classic case of 'grass is greener syndrome'. Forgive me if I am wrong, but you have a husband that does not cheat, free time to spend with your grandchild, sex (though not quite to your liking - sometimes you have to ask for what you want in life to get it if you haven't already), and all in all what sounds like a decent though not perfect life. I caution you to think about what life will be after divorce. I promise you it will not be all deep emotional love (which you have to give to get) and smiling grandkids. You will find it has it's own unique set of problems. You may be trading a decent life for one not quite as decent. Be careful. Sometimes all you find over the fence is different grass - but still grass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverBelle25 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm not looking for greener grass. I am looking to figure out what I need to do to "fertilize" the grass I have; without using bullsh*t. The separation is to figure out me. I'm not looking for a replacement man, a Fabio, rainbows and/or unicorns; I'm looking for contentment with who I am; who H and I are together without it seeming to be a drudgery chore for either of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm not looking for greener grass. I am looking to figure out what I need to do to "fertilize" the grass I have; without using bullsh*t. The separation is to figure out me. I'm not looking for a replacement man, a Fabio, rainbows and/or unicorns; I'm looking for contentment with who I am; who H and I are together without it seeming to be a drudgery chore for either of us. I mean this seriously and because your answer may be a help to others...or others may be able to help you answer it... What do you think you need? What do you hope to find? Have you set a date for an answer or end of separation? Why are you not content with yourself? Is your dissatisfaction really with yourself? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverBelle25 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 ... sometimes you have to ask for what you want in life to get it if you haven't already),... all deep emotional love (which you have to give to get) Years ago, H said he doesn't know what I want if I "hint around"; I tell him straight out what I want/feel. I give a LOT of deep emotional love; I need to learn to accept H's definition of HIS deep emotional love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverBelle25 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 I mean this seriously and because your answer may be a help to others...or others may be able to help you answer it... What do you think you need? What do you hope to find? Have you set a date for an answer or end of separation? Why are you not content with yourself? Is your dissatisfaction really with yourself? Just curious. I think I need to lower my idealistic expectations of people in general. Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm not looking for greener grass. I am looking to figure out what I need to do to "fertilize" the grass I have; without using bullsh*t. The separation is to figure out me. I'm not looking for a replacement man, a Fabio, rainbows and/or unicorns; I'm looking for contentment with who I am; who H and I are together without it seeming to be a drudgery chore for either of us. You are the sum total of all your life experiences and so is your H for all you know he maybe just as confused as you are. Why not take a trip to somewhere by yourselves I know this sounds crazy but look at South America or some place like that. I say this because it will afford you two the opportunity to rely on each other in ways that you don't right now. You have been living in the same place surrounded by the same old things for quite awhile is my guess. Sometimes it's good to just go out there with your other half and weather what life has to bring, just the two of you like it was before the whole M and kids etc... You never know what you might find out about yourselves as a couple when you are free of your everyday routine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Years ago, H said he doesn't know what I want if I "hint around"; I tell him straight out what I want/feel. I give a LOT of deep emotional love; I need to learn to accept H's definition of HIS deep emotional love. Have you ever heard of the book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Act Two Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Hmm..so I am confused- are you working things out with your husband? I like the post about the grass is always greener. This may sound sexist, but I just don't know if any woman is ever going to be deeply emotionally fulfilled by a man (to meet all of her emotional needs). Maybe your husband can improve in that area with marital counseling (and read His Needs, Her Needs), but sometimes I wonder if women just expect too damn much of men emotionally. Isn't that why we have girlfriends and Book Club? I'm separated and that was one big problem for me too as my stbx is pretty closed off emotionally, but I'm wondering if he could have been more open a tic more and I could have expected a tic less if we would have been happier. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages® There is a quiz you can take to determine your and your husbands love language. This is why most relationships fail. Everyone has a different love language. You may feel expressing deep emotional love is the language your husband speaks, and it's NOT. He doesn't understand where you're coming from because he has his own language. And it's why he can't really connect with you because how he expresses love and what he needs from love is completely different than what you need. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 trying to sort out what I'm calling my "midlife crisis". It is reasonable to have a midlife crisis or what I would consider in your case a mid-marriage crisis. In these situations, one tends to evaluate the goals/expectations that we had for our life up until this point, where we are currently with respect to those goals and what we now expect the future to be like. One can ask "After 25 year, has my marriage been what I wanted?" "Am I just as happy with my partner as when we were first married?" and most importantly "Given the marriage as it is now, can I expect to be happy with my partner for another 25 years?" It can be easy to be negative towards the marriage and your partner when asking such questions. A marriage is never a piece of cake. Furthermore, it's not fair to assume outright that one would be happier in a different relationship. Perhaps a different relationship could be found that would make us happier, but that is NOT the most likely outcome of leaving the current marriage. A new relationship will never meet all of our needs; only change the needs that get met. And this presumes that a new relationship is right around the corner, which is certainly not assured. Therefore it would be most fair to evaluate whether being in the current marriage for the next 25 years is better or worse than being on our own for the next 25 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Frankly, you're sounding a little selfish to me. But, I totally get the need to run away for awhile. Even happily married people do that...really secure, strong couples. You don't sound like one of those SilverBelle. You're waffling. At the risk of sounding like someone's mother, I'll ask you to remember your vows; "For better or for worse...sickness or health." Contrary to popular belief, God didn't write those words and they aren't in the bible. They are men's words...but strong, wise words nonetheless. What we learn by toughing it out is almost always better than what we gain for quitting. You sound intelligent, loving and deep. Please consider what separation might do to your husband and marriage; those things not in your control. You wouldn't be the first person to gain a profound understanding, then return to an empty home. I know it's corny, but you're not two. You're one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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