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Gave up.


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SilverBelle25

Regarding 5 Love Languages: Many years ago in a woman's Bible study.

 

H and I have been to marriage workshop weekends; his company paid for them. Per H, he was there for the free weekend, didn't intend to apply any of the material to our marriage.

 

Regarding being selfish: Isn't it about time after 25 years of taking care of everyone else?

 

Am I supposed to do things everyone else's way and just go along nodding and smiling on the outside but hey that's okay because a lot of people have it a lot worse?

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Regarding being selfish: Isn't it about time after 25 years of taking care of everyone else?

 

If that's the way you feel, then your effort was wasted. IMO. Ironically, for comfort and happiness you are leaving your husband to take care of more kids. This, I'm assuming, is where you find fulfillment. Didn't you say that?

 

Speaking as a man who was never 'taken care of', I have not enjoyed the luxury of a woman who devoted herself to my needs. Even at its best, marriage for me included cooking my own meals and helping (a lot) with the kids. I have seen women and marriages like that and viewed them in amazement. My GF is that kind of woman: stay out of MY kitchen. MY laundry room. She won't let me rinse a pan. I wonder who she'll take care of when they're grown? It won't be me. I'm too independent to be spoon fed.

 

This is my way of saying; I understand your feelings about being appreciated and the connection you desire. I don't believe leaving your husband is the path to discovery though. It's a left-turn into Mistakeville.

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Regarding 5 Love Languages: Many years ago in a woman's Bible study.

 

H and I have been to marriage workshop weekends; his company paid for them. Per H, he was there for the free weekend, didn't intend to apply any of the material to our marriage.

 

Regarding being selfish: Isn't it about time after 25 years of taking care of everyone else?

 

Am I supposed to do things everyone else's way and just go along nodding and smiling on the outside but hey that's okay because a lot of people have it a lot worse?

 

When I posted on your thread I really didn't get what you feel that you are up against. I thought that you just needed to find a way to re-connect in your M, I was wrong to assume. If you truly feel this way right now cash it all in and see what happens. The worst thing that can happen is that you will lose all that you have built over the past 25yrs. Maybe your H deserves to move on with his life just as you feel that you might need too. He may even find someone that really values what he has to offer. As long as you don't try to re-write history down the road to reflect negatively on what he put into the relationship should your course of action be wrong. What I'm saying is this is all on you from what you have stated here. So go on out there and see what happens.

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Regarding being selfish: Isn't it about time after 25 years of taking care of everyone else?

 

Yes, it is. I for one see no problem with this. And when the dust settles, then you may find that you were happier tending to others. The problem is NOT that you did not enjoy taking care of everyone else. The problem is that during that time you felt as if no one cared for you. And also you felt that no one cared that you cared for them.

 

Being taken for granted is depressing.

 

I suspect if your husband did really show that he cared, then there would not be an issue. The fact that he doesn't remember your 25th wedding anniversary and make it incredibly special is a sign that while you cared for everyone else, no one cared for you.

 

Am I supposed to do things everyone else's way and just go along nodding and smiling on the outside but hey that's okay because a lot of people have it a lot worse?

 

Nope. Not at all. The problem with your marriage may be very simple. Your husband needs to treat you like he cares and do so in a language that is pleasing to you.

 

This is what you miss. IMO it is not about "finding yourself," but more about finding someone who cares about you. And hopefully, this person who steps up to show you that will be your husband.

 

Nothing wrong with the feelings you have. My wife will get to this point once in awhile and I know that I need to step up somehow and relieve her stress and show her that we all care. Once her stress is lowered, then she can continue on. (NO, I don't always do it...wish I could say I did.)

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SilverBelle25

I started posting here to vent anonymously and try to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I appreciate the opinions from all different viewpoints; whether they "agree" with me or not. It makes me think. I talk to my friends; but they are biased in my favor of what to do.

 

Thank you to all of you who are responding.

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SilverBelle25

Example of why I am ready to give it all up:

 

I have had multiple sinus infections this year; painful ones with headaches. Have been on anti-biotics at least four times in a year. Realized that a large contributing factor was our wood-burning fireplace that we burn most every day in the winter as a supplement for heating house.

 

Last week, H and I discussed it after my appointment with a sleep doctor. I have sleep apnea and had been using a nasal pillow mask, but with sinuses as bad as they are, had to make switch over to full face mask. H thinks burning the fireplace with the doors closed all the time won't affect my sinuses. I asked him to not burn wood in the fireplace at all until after I leave (a week from today); I just took my last dose of this round of anti-biotics with supper; I thought giving my sinuses a time to heal and then being gone out of the house for a month would be good. We agreed that we would not burn wood in the fireplace at all, with or without doors shut.

 

Tonight, it is supposed to be below zero. DD19 who lives with us wanted to start a fire because she is cold. The two of us were in the kitchen and I told her no, because H and I had agreed not to until I left, and explained to her.

 

I'm back in the living room and H is making a lot of noise and I look over and he has a fire going in the fireplace (with the doors closed).

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I can certainly relate to your anger and frustration. But, again, to play devil's advocate, any reason is a convenient reason right now, isn't it? Would you feel any better if hubby and home life was 100%? Would you decide that staying is a better option if everyone and everything was going your way? Or, would you perhaps express anger and resentment that it all didn't happen sooner? See, for everyone else involved, it's a lose-lose.

 

You've guaranteed it. They can't win because you're keeping score.

 

Again, I do empathize. My advice would be to weight it all out. My fear; things can always get worse. Much worse. Selfish motivation never produces happy results...at least, in the long run. Do you believe that?

 

Have you tried smacking hubby upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper? That might be the only way he'll understand your needs.

 

Hang in silverbelle.

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You need to spend a little less time trying to be super-duper smart and a little more time paying attention to what you say.

 

E.g. 'Do you realize how much time, money, emotional investment and other resources.....?'

 

Just because you took a logic class in college and got a good grade (who didn't get a good grade in their logic course?) doesn't mean you actually know what you're talking about. Do you get superfluously nit-picky about every little inconsistency or incongruence when yours on a date? No wonder its costing you so much. Dial it down, be cool, and your overhead will go down.

[being the thread derail]Sorry for the hiatus: a week-long business trip to Chicago.

 

Of course because I took a logic class in college and got a good grade and doesn't mean I know what I am talking about, nor because you experienced something do you necessarily know what you are talking about either. Take for instance a traveler who is (for the sake of relevance on my side) in Chicago. Using a cell phone with GPS, he easily navigates the roads and finds his destinations. He then tells prospective travelers, "Ah, the roads are easy to navigate", whereupon a person with a not-so-smart phone ends up potentially confused and hopelessly lost. It is contingent upon perspective and this little thing I like to call empathy. I need not to have experienced love and lost it to understand the sheer immensity of pain one goes through. I have never experienced it, but I know any "pain" I have experienced by being unloved all my life and being alone pales in comparison to this; there should not even be comparison. Again, perspective and empathy.

 

I have never been on a date, so the cost has not been so much as a penny, so I am not sure about the "costing you so much" bit.

[/end thread derail]

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