Regaining Confidence PART 2

[SpiralOut]

I'm feeling exhausted from standing up for myself. It feels good. I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm getting better. But still, the effort it takes is exhausting. I keep trying new approaches depending on the person and the situation. Sometimes I go a bit overboard, sometimes not far enough. I think I'm starting to approach a happy-medium where I don't feel quite so offended by offensive behaviour. I still get annoyed, but not as angry as usual. I think much of my anger came from my inability/difficulty in dealing with it.

 

I am trying to accept the idea that maybe people will respect me more if I stand up for myself. Even if I go a little overboard with it sometimes, at least they'll know I'm not a doormat. I would rather be respected than liked.

 

Except that I do want to be liked by at least some people. I still feel lonely. My moods go up and down. Last night and this morning I felt exhilarated. Today I'm just tired and sad. My best friend is acting distant. She's not responding to my texts. She sometimes does that. I do the same thing sometimes, so I can't get mad at her for it. I still feel hurt. This is why I need more friends.

 

I need to practice conversation. Sometimes when I talk, things come out sounding awkward. It's because I don't converse enough.

 

I'm looking for ways to deal with my loneliness. Exercise helps. Sadly, the main communications I have are through message boards, people at work, or just random people who act friendly to me at the stores, coop shop, in yoga class, whatever. I stopped attending two of the meetup groups I used to go to. They aren't for me. I think I should find a bike club to join up with for the spring and summer.

 

EDITED: Okay, just signed up for a bike club. Now I'm waiting for them to mail me the membership card. There is a skills clinic date that I can go to, then after that I'll start going on the Sunday morning rides. Even if I don't make friends from it, at least it'll give me a place to socialize. I want to just keep talking until I feel really confident about it.

Edited May 9, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I just came to a realization about this woman I used to be "friends" with. I haven't spoken about her much, if at all, on here before.

 

She used to put me down, sometimes in a subtle way, sometimes outright. At one point she expressed her "concern" that I wasn't being social enough. This was in spite of the fact that I probably had more friends in my life than she did. She mostly just went out on dates with internet people, had sex with her f***buddies who both refused to be her boyfriend, and spent time with her volunteer group. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I had a boyfriend, went out on double dates regularly with this couple we were friends with, had a couple of other friends I spent time with. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I see that she wasn't in much of a position to be criticizing me.

 

She snarkily asked me at her BBQ, "so, where are YOUR friends?" then spent the night with her date, hardly talking to other people. One week later she was crying to me about how all the people she had invited (most of them aquaintances, not friends) were inviting each other to their parties but NOT asking her even though she was the one who had introduced them to each other. It shocked me because I assumed that people liked her. That's when I realized, not very many people did.

 

Long story short, I see what was going on. She always talked about wanting to have big parties and have lots of friends. But whenever she did it, people would use it as an excuse to hang out with each other, not with her. She wanted so badly to be popular, while I didn't care at all about that, so she tried to criticize me even though the reason I'm not popular is because I don't TRY to be, because I don't CARE. I was someone for her to have as a "friend" so she wasn't totally friendless, while she went in pursuit of what she really wanted.

 

I seem to have attracted a few friends like that. Then when someone appears to truly like me, it surprises me. Makes me wonder what do they want from me. My "friendship" with this woman cut down some of my confidence.

 

I'm not afraid anymore about running into her. What's the worst she can do? Be a bitch? Act snarky and rude to me?

[SpiralOut]

I think a huge part of accepting other people (or at least not letting their ****ty attitudes affect me) is by sorting through my own issues. Looking back on my past behaviour, I see that I have repressed certain events. I have behaved badly towards many people. Much of it was unintentional. I was in pain and unaware of how I was acting. Still doesn't make it okay, but I need to acknowledge it. Acknowledging it and accepting it and forgiving myself helps me to stay calm when others act badly.

 

This was made even more clear to me when I witnessed something yesterday. A woman I dislike is always picking apart and laughing at someone else. Someone made a comment that made her stop dead in her tracks. She suddenly became extremely insecure. She was worried that she had just been compared to the girl she bullies. Once she realized that wasn't the case, she relaxed. But that one moment told me everything. She's worried about being like that. On some level she must know that she has some of those qualities she makes fun of (because she does).

 

Wow. That was an eye-opener. People who accept others are okay with themselves. People who don't, have work to do. So that's one way that I can measure my self-esteem. Once I get to a point where I'm not too bothered by anyone, it means that I'm feeling much better about myself.

[happydate]

SpiralOut; I assume you are a lady?

 

I really enjoyed reading your self-improvement journey and that where you are heading is in general a correct direction. I like to share my own journey too, but since I am a man it might differ in my heading and ways.

 

First of all, I like to share with you one important thing about self-improvement. You must be ready to detach from old friends or even existing friends and you must be ready to accept new friends, who are positive, loving, supportive, caring and full of unconditional love. You will meet these people I guarantee you that and you will meet men who will treat you right because they are so positive. You are not seeing these people now because you are still living in a negative environment.

 

The Laws of Attraction states that like attracts like. I really like your affirmation prayers hopefully in front of the mirror and with tears flowing down. I am a man and I do have that too. It relieves a lot of pent up frustration and anger. However, you can not become a positive person while clinging to a negative environment and negative people. Negative people can not respect positive people and the same in reverse. Negative people respects only negative people, so for you longing for respect from these people just because you are positive and happy is like squeezing an orange and expect apple juice to come out. Negative people might find you lucky because you are so happy and so lucky to be. They admire you because they hope they would also become happy and positive, but they won't.

 

You might have to consider leaving your job if that's a source of negative energies and the people who work there instilling negative emotions out of you. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that being positive and happy may come to pay a price on things you like doing the most. Negative people strive for materialistic enjoyment as they think they can become happy only from external sources. This is false illusion and is only short sighted. You will find happiness only on things you like doing the most from YOUR HEART.

 

What most people do not realize is that, you can actually influence negative people by being positive just by you being peaceful and positive in your daily life and you must not judge yourself and expect anything. All expectations will lead to suffering and you must abhor this emotion.

 

Keep being positive!!

[SpiralOut]

Thank you, happydate. I will keep trying to be positive.

 

I just got home from a really good meetup. I've gone to a few of them now and I like the people in the group. I feel like I belong there. It makes me feel happy to go, and I feel good when I leave. It also makes me realize that I've been pretending to not care if others like me even though I DO.

 

But I had my reasons for trying to not care . . . it was because I've dealt with many negative people. I CAN"T care about what negative people think about me. But I was not caring to the point that I didn't care about ANYONE at all, period. And that's hard. I can't harden myself off to everyone like that. I went from one extreme to another: caring what everyone thinks, then not caring about what anyone thinks. I need to find this happy medium.

 

I get the feeling the people in this group like me. I love that feeling. I miss it. Really, when I look at my life, the most important thing I am missing right now are friends. I kept myself away from people because a) I was worried that I would lash out at them in my anger/misery or b) I was worried they would lash out at ME from THEIR anger/misery. I did not trust myself or others. But I now trust myself to handle any negative people, and I trust myself to be a good friend to others.

 

I've also been afraid of getting close to people in case it all fell apart. Maybe I was choosing bad friends on purpose, subconsciously, to avoid the sort of deep connection that runs the risk of getting hurt. I never felt truly close to those people and that was part of what I enjoyed about the "friendship." I felt comfortable having a certain amount of safe distance.

[happydate]

Thank you, happydate. I will keep trying to be positive.

 

I just got home from a really good meetup. I've gone to a few of them now and I like the people in the group. I feel like I belong there. It makes me feel happy to go, and I feel good when I leave. It also makes me realize that I've been pretending to not care if others like me even though I DO.

 

But I had my reasons for trying to not care . . . it was because I've dealt with many negative people. I CAN"T care about what negative people think about me. But I was not caring to the point that I didn't care about ANYONE at all, period. And that's hard. I can't harden myself off to everyone like that. I went from one extreme to another: caring what everyone thinks, then not caring about what anyone thinks. I need to find this happy medium.

 

I get the feeling the people in this group like me. I love that feeling. I miss it. Really, when I look at my life, the most important thing I am missing right now are friends. I kept myself away from people because a) I was worried that I would lash out at them in my anger/misery or b) I was worried they would lash out at ME from THEIR anger/misery. I did not trust myself or others. But I now trust myself to handle any negative people, and I trust myself to be a good friend to others.

 

I've also been afraid of getting close to people in case it all fell apart. Maybe I was choosing bad friends on purpose, subconsciously, to avoid the sort of deep connection that runs the risk of getting hurt. I never felt truly close to those people and that was part of what I enjoyed about the "friendship." I felt comfortable having a certain amount of safe distance.

 

If it helps with any affirmation prayers and speeches is to rid of

 

1, trying

2, maybe

3, perhaps etc..

 

Those are negative words because you're not confident you can do it.

 

Imagine the Nike logo -- Just Do It! Nike got it right. If you want to be positive, be positive. There is no trying, there is no maybe and there is no perhaps. You need to convey these affirmation thoughts to the lord with no ambiguity.

 

Imagine you are on a road of a thousand steps and everyday, you are moving just one small step forward at a time. You are making progress if you promise yourself to work hard at it. Eventually, you will learn how to be compassionate and forgiving and when you do, negative people are not going to upset you that much.

 

You are only a human being, so you are not perfect. People can judge you anyway they want, but the one who's judged is him or herself mired in misery. For once you judged someone, someone will judge you back. If you don't judge someone, no one will judge you.

 

The meetup group is an excellent way to meet positive people. I met some of the most fantastic ladies with heart of gold and compassion through the meetup group. I always thought women are a bunch of manipulative bitches playing head games, but now I understand that they are broken people who need help and therapy and are living a life of despair, loneliness and stress. Whereas if you live a life of positivity and with the lord, you are NEVER lonely as the lord will be with you. As a man, mother Mary is always with me giving me the motherly love I so needed from time to time. Never felt heart broken getting dumped when mother Mary comes to my rescue. You see, you have the best loving friends here and high above. You do not need to feel in despair. Keep working at it.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Yo,

 

I actually cannot believe how similarly I feel.

 

I try to gain confidence, positivity, and the ability to live in the moment, but well, it is truly harder than it sounds because of all the doubt I have about the future and simply the negativity that I hold.

 

Please forgive me because I didn't read through all of the posts in here but I did read through the last few and you have some really great positivity! I do believe positivity and being confident that you will have a good future is key. It sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just as if you think negatively about everything, only bad will come.

 

My suggestion, to both you, me, and anyone else who would like it, is to simply stay positive. If you expect good to come, it will in due course.

 

Like with my ex, we were good and I was positive, we were happy yaddyadda, and then the second things felt uncomfortable and I started having doubts about our future, guess what happened. Boom, broken up in a matter of weeks. So basically if you want something good to happen, expect it. Same goes for something bad... but I have no idea why the hell you would want that.

[SpiralOut]

Well it's good to hear from you both that I sound so positive! Sometimes I feel like I'm not. I've posted a number of separate threads complaining about people in my life I have problems with. I am still learning to stand up for myself. I can't believe how much practice it takes and how hard it sometimes can be.

 

This past month I stayed calm and stood up twice to this one woman at work who is extremely aggressive. When she snapped at me, the other people around us were visibly shocked. They literally jumped in their seats. I stood there. Looked at her. Gave myself a minute to get over the initial shock. Felt myself become calm and unafraid. Responded to her as if I hadn't noticed her saying or doing anything wrong. Did not yell back. Did not allow her to persuade me or intimidate me. Walked away from her.

 

She is an extremely angry person. Sometimes we get along really well but sometimes she snaps at me. I don't mean to antagonize her but it seems that I hit her buttons sometimes. When I notice that certain things piss her off, I make sure to not say those things again. She goes out of her way to be friendly towards certain people, then belittles them behind their backs. I have no intention of calling her out on that - THAT would certainly result in her exploding at me. I bet you anything she says all sorts of things about me behind my back. That's why I don't care anymore if she snaps at me. So what if she doesn't like me anymore? She probably never did in the first place!

 

I'm acting more and more like myself except different than before because I feel more assertive now. Sometimes I might be more aggressive than I need to be. I try to not worry about that anymore. It is part of the learning curve. If I make a mistake I will learn from it.

 

I have also been holding back on giving my new name to people at work. Anyone who has read my other threads, probably knows that I work with all sorts of angry, nasty people. Not all of them are. Some of them are really good people. But because of the angry ones, I feel uncomfortable giving out my new name to anyone (I changed over to my middle name). To give them my new name gives them a certain amount of power. For them to only know my old name, helps me to remember they don't know me. They don't get to call me by my new name, my real one that I use with my friends. They don't know me. They don't get to call me that. There are a couple of people I wouldn't mind giving my new name to, but I worry about it causing drama. It feels like I am living two separate lives - my work life where half the people there treat me like sh** and call me by one name - and my REAL life where everyone calls me by my REAL name because they deserve to because they treat me the way I want to be treated.

Edited May 16, 2013 by SpiralOut

[happydate]

Well it's good to hear from you both that I sound so positive! Sometimes I feel like I'm not. I've posted a number of separate threads complaining about people in my life I have problems with. I am still learning to stand up for myself. I can't believe how much practice it takes and how hard it sometimes can be.

 

This past month I stayed calm and stood up twice to this one woman at work who is extremely aggressive. When she snapped at me, the other people around us were visibly shocked. They literally jumped in their seats. I stood there. Looked at her. Gave myself a minute to get over the initial shock. Felt myself become calm and unafraid. Responded to her as if I hadn't noticed her saying or doing anything wrong. Did not yell back. Did not allow her to persuade me or intimidate me. Walked away from her.

 

She is an extremely angry person. Sometimes we get along really well but sometimes she snaps at me. I don't mean to antagonize her but it seems that I hit her buttons sometimes. When I notice that certain things piss her off, I make sure to not say those things again. She goes out of her way to be friendly towards certain people, then belittles them behind their backs. I have no intention of calling her out on that - THAT would certainly result in her exploding at me. I bet you anything she says all sorts of things about me behind my back. That's why I don't care anymore if she snaps at me. So what if she doesn't like me anymore? She probably never did in the first place!

 

I'm acting more and more like myself except different than before because I feel more assertive now. Sometimes I might be more aggressive than I need to be. I try to not worry about that anymore. It is part of the learning curve. If I make a mistake I will learn from it.

 

I have also been holding back on giving my new name to people at work. Anyone who has read my other threads, probably knows that I work with all sorts of angry, nasty people. Not all of them are. Some of them are really good people. But because of the angry ones, I feel uncomfortable giving out my new name to anyone (I changed over to my middle name). To give them my new name gives them a certain amount of power. For them to only know my old name, helps me to remember they don't know me. They don't get to call me by my new name, my real one that I use with my friends. They don't know me. They don't get to call me that. There are a couple of people I wouldn't mind giving my new name to, but I worry about it causing drama. It feels like I am living two separate lives - my work life where half the people there treat me like sh** and call me by one name - and my REAL life where everyone calls me by my REAL name because they deserve to because they treat me the way I want to be treated.

 

I also work with a lot of angry and nasty people too. The trick is not to let them control your mind. Just let them say whatever they want at you. Angry people tend to live with stress, in misery and also being lonely. They are really not any different from any other lonely people out there. Being angry, they are just crying out to the world that they need to be loved. So the trick is to show them the love and you'll see that they will loose all sense of stability. They expect confrontation from you, and yet all they see is a wall of love.

 

I sometimes get yelled at profusely, but I just calm myself down, smile and laugh it out.

 

Be authentic as you can and be proud of who you are. The Universe and this world operates like a mirror. The people you associate with are the mirror image of yourself and they will only disappear when your lessons in anger, loneliness and despair are learned. Then, you'll see less confrontation, less intimidation. When you are acting assertive, act in a way that feels authentic to your heart.

 

For anger management, find a secluded place where nobody can listen to you and then yell out loud the things holding inside you. Use profanity if you can.

If you stand up for yourself, do not belittle people. If you offend them, apologize to them the next day. Perhaps a cup of coffee and an apology works wonders. You can not always feel you need to stand up all the time being intimidating. Some people do this, but this is an ego issue they need to work on. People respect you for being calm and wise, not angry and pushy.

 

The world is filled with a lot of angry people not because they are bad, it is because they are not well loved. They are all chasing after external sources of love be it in material possessions or in sexual relationships that they think will make them happy. But truth happiness comes from within; our Lord and Jesus Christ ensure that they will make it happen to you when you decide to become faithful to them.

[SpiralOut]

Something weird is happening.

 

The other night I signed up for a few events where I'll know nobody. It made me feel so excited that I could hardly sleep that night.

 

But I never used to get excited over stuff like that. Instead I would feel terrified. I used to only go to events if I knew someone else who was going. Then I progressed to going alone, but still feeling so scared that I would think about it every day leading up to it, hardly sleeping each night, getting more and more nervous and sometimes being so nervous I would cancel at the last minute. Then I became more calm. Now, apparently I am excited? Wow! How did that happen? I wonder if this is the feeling that other people get when they go to parties. I actually sort of LIKE the idea of meeting new people.

 

Something amazing is happening. When I let go and just be myself, I get a different reaction from when I was shy. People usually liked me before, but never showed a huge amount of interest in me. Now, people act interested in getting to know me. At the last meetup I attended three people approached me afterward to ask me questions about myself. That hardly ever happens to me. Wow! I feel like I come across as ditzy. It bothers me. But nobody else seems to really care. They seem to think that I'm funny but I don't know why. I worry that they think I'm stupid. But they seem to like me anyway. So maybe I don't act stupid, but just funny? This is just so WEIRD.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still get nervous under certain circumstances, and I have my days where I don't feel good. But I'm starting to feel more FREE. I don't have to say "oh I want to do that but I can't because blahblah." Anything I want to do, I can do.

Edited May 19, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Actually that's not entirely true that I do anything I want. There is a yoga festival coming up, but it's happening at the same time and place as this other festival. They were combined together. And this woman I used to be "friends" with is in charge of running one of those festivals. I can't stand the idea of showing up there alone and running into her. She is the sort of person who will want to know where are my friends, didn't I come with anyone? Oh and how is your boyfriend (whom I'm no longer with - and I'm 90% sure that she had wanted us to break up when we were together). Her doormat husband will be there, so she can throw that in my face.

 

I don't know if I have it in me to face that. If I had someone to go with, I wouldn't care about seeing her. I don't think I have enough confidence to face her alone. She's that sort of person who values people on where they are in life and what do they have and who do they have. The only thing I have that she doesn't is a more positive attitude. Last time I saw her at the festival - which I had gone to to show my support - she spent the whole time talking **** about one of the volunteers she had recruited. It was terribly unprofessional, not to mention catty and uncalled for.

[SpiralOut]

This week will be a challenge for me. I hope that I'm up to it.

 

I'll be socializing more than usual. Got a BBQ to go to, dinner, volunteer training, a bike club thing, and I think I'm supposed to go on a date. I'm nervous about balancing it all. It is going to either totally drain me, or it's going to give me energy. I find that the right people lift me up and the wrong ones bring me down, and I don't know very many of these people, so it's impossible to say how I'll end up feeling afterwards. I'm using tonight and tomorrow night to prepare for it all, like make meals ahead of time, catch up on sleep. It's unusual for me to plan so much stuff at once.

 

I'm also getting stressed out over my personal goals. I have several years worth of piled up projects that I'm trying to complete. There are too many ideas in my head that need to come out. And I have this neverending list of things I want to buy - mostly sports equipment, workout clothes and office clothes. I've been slowly teaching myself how to dress nicely but conservatively for an office environment. I just started doing it without even thinking. It must be my brain's way of giving me confidence for a new job. Part of the reason I'm afraid of a new job is that unless there's a uniform, I don't know how to dress for it. Then tonight I got myself some makeup (natural, not gaudy). It's important that I learn how to present myself. The weird thing is that I don't get confidence FROM the makeup. I get confidence from knowing that I care enough about myself to GIVE myself nice makeup to wear.

 

Another weird thing: I used to always feel intimidated by a certain type of woman. The kind that are well made up, with their nice clothes and well-applied makeup and nicely done up hair. They often have this aura about them that you'd better not piss them off because they won't put up with it. But I don't feel as intimidated by them anymore. If anything, I feel that I can relate to them somewhat.

Edited May 22, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I got through a weekend of socializing. Maybe for other people it seems normal but for me it felt intense. I met so many new people. I felt awkward, and probably came across as such, but I have still made huge progress. I still managed to have several meaningful conversations with different people that I met. I'm really proud of myself.

 

Somebody made a bitchy comment to me today but I brushed it off and continued to enjoy myself. I'm not going to lie - it did bother me somewhat, since it came from someone whom I'll probably see again and I'm concerned it might happen again. I suspect she said it out of a certain social awkwardness that she has. Maybe she sees that part of herself in me (since I'm still not totally socially savvy) and deals with it by poking fun at me. Well whatever. I've already decided what I'll say if she tells me that I'm awkward or weird or that I suck at talking to people. I will jokingly tell her "I prefer to think that I am delightfully quirky." Or I could say something like "Every group needs to have a Silent Bob and I am happy to fill that role." Instead of pretending that nothing is wrong with me, I can put a positive spin on my flaws.

 

I'm also really happy that I joined a biking club. I went out today to learn some basic group riding rules and met a few group members. I think it's going to be really fun.

 

I just spent the entire weekend biking like crazy and I feel completely amazing. Not only do I love doing it and get great exercise from it, but I like the way that people respond to it. They find me interesting because of it. Several people have already called me crazy!! But that's good. They meant it in an admiring way. I don't mind being known as that crazy cyclist chick.

[ThaWholigan]

I got through a weekend of socializing. Maybe for other people it seems normal but for me it felt intense. I met so many new people. I felt awkward, and probably came across as such, but I have still made huge progress. I still managed to have several meaningful conversations with different people that I met. I'm really proud of myself.

 

Somebody made a bitchy comment to me today but I brushed it off and continued to enjoy myself. I'm not going to lie - it did bother me somewhat, since it came from someone whom I'll probably see again and I'm concerned it might happen again. I suspect she said it out of a certain social awkwardness that she has. Maybe she sees that part of herself in me (since I'm still not totally socially savvy) and deals with it by poking fun at me. Well whatever. I've already decided what I'll say if she tells me that I'm awkward or weird or that I suck at talking to people. I will jokingly tell her "I prefer to think that I am delightfully quirky." Or I could say something like "Every group needs to have a Silent Bob and I am happy to fill that role." Instead of pretending that nothing is wrong with me, I can put a positive spin on my flaws.

 

I'm also really happy that I joined a biking club. I went out today to learn some basic group riding rules and met a few group members. I think it's going to be really fun.

 

I just spent the entire weekend biking like crazy and I feel completely amazing. Not only do I love doing it and get great exercise from it, but I like the way that people respond to it. They find me interesting because of it. Several people have already called me crazy!! But that's good. They meant it in an admiring way. I don't mind being known as that crazy cyclist chick.

Congratulations.

 

I have been working very hard on social interactions for many years myself - and I STILL feel awkward even now . So I understand how difficult this may be for you and you certainly should be proud .

[SpiralOut]

I still have trouble dealing with people who project their issues onto me. It hits me really hard. I find the only thing that helps me to get over it is to get reassurance from others that nothing is wrong with me, I'm not crazy imagining things, I'm not doing anything to deserve this treatment. I don't want to rely on reassurance from others but when I don't seek it out I just sit and stew over it. I just spent the past few days feeling angry about something that happened on the weekend. Thing is, I'm mostly angry at myself for not handling it differently.

 

But maybe I did handle it okay. I handled it better than I have in the past, so that's a step forward right? I didn't confront her about her behaviour and I didn't ignore it. I reacted to it with anger, which wasn't good. But at the same time I didn't allow myself to be completely cowed by it. If anything, it gave me an extra boost of confidence. It gave me this "**** you, I'm not going to let YOU bring me down" feeling which caused me to suddenly speak louder (but not yelling), more intelligently, more upbeat. It made me feel determined to act as if nothing was wrong. No way in hell was I going to sit there wanting to cry and feeling too shy to say anything else for the rest of the meal. ****ing bitch. That's what I wanted to say to her but I didn't, so I guess that's good too.

 

I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle of feeling scared of people, going out there anyway to try and meet new friends, coming across people who belittle me, feel down about myself, feeling scared of people again, going out there anyway . . .

 

It's like I need to just keep doing that cycle over and over until I finally find nice people I can stay friends with.

 

I've also found two girls I used to work with that I'd like to stay in touch with but I don't really know how to ask them to do anything without it seeming weird. It seems like most people get to know others by inviting them to events or parties until they become close enough to start hanging out one-on-one. But I don't know what event I could or should invite them to. Should I have a party at my apartment? I'm thinking maybe I should have one at the end of the summer, after I've made more aquaintances from different meetup groups and clubs. That way I can just invite a bunch of people that I like all at once. That should be my goal. I'm scared of parties, so maybe I should have one.

[SpiralOut]

I've decided to take another break from dating, as lonely as I feel and as much as I would like to be with someone. I just dealt with another guy who jerked me around.

 

That's not why I'm stopping, though. I think what I need more than anything is a supportive social group or at least a few good friends. So long as I'm lonely in that respect, I'll continue to attract mistreatment from men. I'm also not a big fan of online dating, so becoming involved in groups gives me a way to meet men in person and become friends first. That's how I like to do it.

 

Something odd happened last weekend that I didn't mention here. It was when I was out with the other women my age. At the end of the lunch I went to the bathroom, saw myself in the mirror, and realized that I am one of them. I was dressed well, looked cute, looked young but not childish. I looked like a mature young woman. The only thing stopping me from being popular is my lack of confidence. I think I could have a lot of friends if only I weren't so scared of people and socially awkward.

 

I'm pretty sure the only way to get rid of my social awkwardness is to just keep socializing. Something that sounds good in my head sometimes comes out sounding weird. I'm able to see my mistake right away, but by then it's too late to take it back.

 

I'm taking this weekend completely off so I can be alone to gather my thoughts. I'm supposed to go out with a ladies group again next weekend, which I'm nervous for, but it should be okay.

[SpiralOut]

I've been feeling stressed out with myself because I know that I complain too much about the ****ty things that people say and do to me. It makes me feel like a victim, and I don't want to be one, but for some reason I can't stop getting angry and complaining.

 

I think the reason I do this is because I spent most of my life being the "too nice" girl. You know, if someone is mean to you you just give them the benefit of a doubt, or ignore it, or tell yourself they are just having a bad day and don't really mean it. I have another thread about my control freak mother and that's how I was taught to act with her. I couldn't be angry with her because if I did it, well doing that was wrong, because she is the mother and she is always right.

 

If someone was a jerk consistently, then I would stay away. But if someone showed me the nice-mean-nice-mean behaviours, it really confused me. I would fall for the nice parts and ignore the meanness a lot of the time. Sometimes I would completely forget about certain mean things that a person would say to me!

 

I'm getting tired of doing that. I can't take it anymore. If someone upsets me or says something rude, I don't want to ignore it anymore. I keep remembering things that I brushed off, that I shouldn't have, and I'm pissed at myself. I still can't believe that I would literally FORGET entire conversations and things that happened.

 

There must be some happy medium where I can be angry and acknowledge what happened, but still be able to move on from it and forget about it. I've just moved from one extreme to the other. I need to find a way to be more balanced.

[SpiralOut]

I'm feeling really stressed out today. I feel so inadequate. Now I know why I stopped socializing for so long. It makes me feel depressed. Feeling like I don't fit in, or even being outright rejected, hurts like a bitch. Maybe I just say this because I am tired, but seriously I feel like I can't do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear from the world.

[SpiralOut]

I found a place that provides telephone counselling, which is good for in case they aren't open late enough for me to go there in person. I really need someone to be my guide. I keep going off on tangents and forgetting completely about certain things I'm supposed to do. I haven't even looked at the self-esteem book that I bought over a month ago. I keep putting it off. I need someone who can keep me on track.

 

I'm calling the place on Monday to see what they can do for me.

[SpiralOut]

Okay so it may be difficult for me to get time off for this appointment. I don't even want to go into the details. I am feeling on the verge of giving up. I won't give up but I want to.

 

Tonight I went to my regular meet-up group. I feel safe there. Nobody has randomly had their face contorted with anger and yelled insults at me. Honestly I was starting to wonder if I do something to deserve that, but these people have never so much as belittled me. So I think it really HAS been a matter of hanging around the wrong people before. This is what I need: a group of people who treat me with respect, whom I can feel comfortable around. What I need is EVIDENCE that I'm not some screwed up person who deserves to be bullied and used as a punching bag.

 

It's also nice to see that there ARE places where I can belong. I've been feeling for the longest time that I don't belong anywhere. Even with certain groups of "friends" that I had, things still didn't feel quite right.

 

As for that crazy woman who was bothering me last year, I think I've pinned down the reason for why she pissed me off so much. I figured it out while reading Coraline. The other-mother is a distortion, a fake version of someone you would normally love. She's not the real thing. And she believes that she loves you but she doesn't. She wants you for herself. To own you. She loves you the same way that someone loves their favourite sweater. It's not real love. She doesn't see Coraline as a person. And that's what that weird woman was trying to do to me last year. She treated me as if I belonged to her. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing and probably never will understand it. The way that she talks about people speaks volumes about how she sees them. She sees them as objects. She would never admit it, probably doesn't realize it, but I'm pretty sure that's how she sees things.

Edited June 12, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I'm posting this in case anyone may found this helpful. When I find myself in a mental rut, it's because I've been putting off doing things in the physical world. I get trapped in my head to avoid dealing with reality. I can break out of it by fixing things in the apartment that need to be done, like do laundry, wash dishes, hang things on the wall, clear out drawers. I am now in the habit of spending a few hours every weekend cleaning and de-cluttering my place. It doesn't fix my problems but it does help me to have mental clarity.

 

If I don't feel motivated to do anything, I'll decide to take a relaxing bath. That's when I realize that to make it REALLY relaxing, I should have everything nice and clean beforehand so that I'm not coming back to a mess when I'm finished. That might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Even just taking the time to take extra good care of myself makes me feel better. We can't just speed down the highway forever. We need to make pitstops, fuel up.

 

I woke up feeling terrible this morning but I snapped myself out of it tonight by doing the above.

[SpiralOut]

Someone from my past came to visit this weekend. It made me realize just how down on myself I am. He even asked me "why do you say stuff like that?" in response to the comments I made about myself. I am doing much better with how I talk about myself, in the sense that I don't outright insult myself, but my poor self-image is still there. It still shows in subtle ways. It is always friends from the past who see it and try to stop me from doing it. It's embarrassing that I am obviously low in self-esteem but at the same time it feels good that there are people who don't want me to feel that way. There are people who want to raise me up rather than put me down.

 

I don't know what else to do but to continue with my hobbies. As I become more proficient and knowledgeable about certain things, like the biking and yoga, I feel better about myself. The awkwardness I have with people is something I need to blunder through. There's no avoiding it completely. I'll deal with it and accept it until it disappears. Eventually it WILL disappear.

[SpiralOut]

I think going on the internet is triggering my anger.

 

I came home from my workout tonight feeling amazing. After a few hours online (killing time while doing laundry and such) I've written several angry rants. Checking my facebook earlier tonight pissed me off too. And now it is late at night, I need to wake up early, and I'm addicted to updating several websites over and over instead of sleeping.

 

This isn't healthy. I'm going to stay away from LS for at least one week. As for everything else, I don't know. I need to message someone on FB but then once that's done I'll stay off that for at least a week. I will go back to the once a week check in. Somehow once a week turned into multiple times a day each day. Not cool. But I'll still check my email since my volunteer stuff is communicated to me that way.

[SpiralOut]

I don't focus on work as much anymore. I used to fixate on the negative comments that certain people said to me long after they had been said. Now, I go home after work and forget about it quickly enough. I've been focused on my health and spend most of my time with my bike, shopping at sport stores, thinking about food, cooking food. I just treated myself to some quality workout clothes. I workout enough that I've earned it. Getting into better habits in general, like drawing after work instead of going to the computer right away. Reading every day now. I feel more organized in my head.

 

I've given up on the volunteering. It's not a good fit. They are disorganized and I don't feel appreciated. I no longer feel the urge to buy things for the apartment. I'm doing an online course. It's a free one, with no real credit assigned to it but it feels good to be learning again.

[todreaminblue]

I have enjoyed reading your progression...

 

what i have enjoyed is this honesty surrounding you.....you are not afraid to admit your insecurities or that you have an off day....no matter how life gets you will always have off days or even weeks.....but you keep trekkin.....ill keep reading......hugs to ya...deb