Regaining Confidence PART 2

[SpiralOut]

I have enjoyed reading your progression...

 

what i have enjoyed is this honesty surrounding you.....you are not afraid to admit your insecurities or that you have an off day....no matter how life gets you will always have off days or even weeks.....but you keep trekkin.....ill keep reading......hugs to ya...deb

 

Thank you, that means a lot to me . Your posts are an inspiration to me in the way you stay positive. Even if you disagree with someone you don't shame them but explain things in a way that is humbling.

[SuperGeek]

I just read this entire thread all the way through and it has moved me deeply. thank you for sharing.

[SpiralOut]

I'm getting better at catching my distorted thoughts. For example, today I became extremely angry when my supervisor blamed me for something that wasn't my fault. When I explained to him how it wasn't possible for it to have been an error on my part (I do admit my mistakes when I make them, so I wasn't lying), he ignored me and continued to make me the bad guy. I probably would have stewed over it all morning but then I thought:

 

"why do I need him to believe me?"

 

and

 

"this isn't about me. it's about what he needs. he needs it to be someone's fault and I am the most convenient person to blame."

 

he does this to everyone, not just me, so once I reminded myself that I can't control the way he acts, I immediately calmed down. Yes, it's annoying, but I can't make him be logical. I can't make him understand, since he doesn't want to. And that condescending thing he said to me? He said it because he needs to. He needs to think other people are incompetent.

 

Then I had an embarrassing moment in another thread on LS, which revealed to me the chip I have on my shoulder. I have a big chip on my shoulder about being a woman and the way others view me and treat me as a woman. I have a complex. I have a set of beliefs that affect me on a subconscious level and I don't even know where those ideas came from.

 

Why am I such a mess??

 

Oh and I am finally letting go of some anger I had towards someone. My mistake: I expected her to behave appropriately, to be mature, to treat people with respect. I expected her to understand that she can't always get what she wants. I expected her to understand that no means no. I expected her to not kick someone while they are down, to not be two-faced, to have some dignity. But of course, those expectations are impossible for her to meet because of the way she is. She is that way for a reason, and as annoying as it is, at the end of the day she has the RIGHT to act that way. Doesn't mean that I have to like it or put up with it. She doesn't need to stop it. However, she does need to face consequences. And in a way, she already HAS faced consequences. She has faced consequences from both myself and at least two other people. She tried to be friends with us, but she acted manipulative and mean spirited. The consequence: she lost her chance at friendship. She tried to force friendship, and in the process, pushed us away. None of us want anything to do with her. Her actions did not get her what she wanted. It was unfair of me to think that she should be a certain way. I can't control what she does, but I can control how I handle it, and if she ever pisses me off again I can let her know what the consequences will be.

 

I suspect that I judge people in my head sometimes, in terms of how I think they should do things, or how I think they are wrong for being a certain way. I try hard not to do that, but sometimes it happens. All my life I have dealt with people telling me what they think is wrong with me and how I need to be more this, more that. It's not okay for me to do that, but it IS okay to do this and this. Many of these judgements are about my introversion, which is a huge part of who I am. Maybe I've been deflecting some of it onto others, doing the same thing to them what has been done to me, the judging and expecting a person to be a certain way because that's just the way they should be. Damn, I've got a lot to think about.

Edited July 24, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I feel like my hard work is starting to pay off. Went to an event this weekend. A bunch of old friends were there along with some new people. Maybe it was the booze talking, but they let me know how much they thought of me. My friends SO's and other friends let it be known that they had heard lots of good things about me. Then I met a guy I hadn't seen since highschool. We spent most of the night hanging out and hooked up. He gave me a lot of compliments too, like how I have a good vibe and how I am "cool." Which is a word I wouldn't normally use to describe myself but it felt good to hear it.

 

I don't think any of this would have happened, had I just stayed all bitter and angry and not worked so hard on myself. I was also thankful to have stuff to talk to people about as opposed to just telling them I watch TV and do nothing.

 

Oh and the guy I met is planning to visit me soon, which surprised me, but it's within his nature to just go wherever he wants. Maybe things are looking up. Maybe I'm not as much of a loser as I've thought myself to be.

[SpiralOut]

I didn't realize that I felt like a loser until I wrote it in the post above. I KNEW that I wasn't, but I FELT like I was. I was pretending to not think I'm a loser. I guess that's better than wallowing in it. I knew I had potential to be more than I was, but couldn't get to where I wanted and it made me feel like a failure. I still feel like a failure in some ways. Knowing that I feel that way will help me to get over it. I've been so totally cut away from my own emotions that it has been hurting me. I won't force myself to change yet, but instead will let myself feel what I feel, and acknowledge it, and learn to not judge myself for it. Only then can I make changes without being all panicky about it.

 

More and more I see who I am: down to earth, do-it-yourself, artsy-crafty, academic-minded, curious, experimental, creative, genuine. I hesitate to call myself spiritual, but I feel myself heading that way. I like to feel in touch with my body, with nature as I plant seeds and water plants, do yoga, vegetarian diet. I sometimes wear healing stones, not because I think they really heal but because they symbolize different goals I am going for (eg. confidence, more open heart). Wearing them reminds me of my goals. I read Jungian psychology and apply it to my life and understanding of self. I don't do any of these things to try and "be more" this or that. I do it naturally. Only when I step back and look at the past year do I see the pattern.

 

Parts of my life suck and I hate being broke and I wish I had more friends. However, I feel I'm becoming a really good person.

Edited August 2, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I've been feeling weird since last weekend. I hardly slept all week and now that it's the weekend I've been staying inside despite beautiful weather. I feel exhausted. I've been reading, watching online class lectures, and watching some TV. Also, lots of thinking. I feel guilty about not accomplishing much. I don't know if I can help it, though. I'm tired. I feel as though all I'm doing is running in a hamster wheel. I spend all day in bed today.

 

I think being around people who care about me makes me feel worse because now I am reminded of how alone I am. I'm starting to feel I won't ever make new friends. I've been holding onto hope to keep going and now I'm wondering if I'm just deluded.

[SpiralOut]

Today I snapped out of it. Had to remind myself that if people only did things when they felt like it, nothing would get done. I woke up with a massive headache and felt completely lethargic. I wanted to lay in bed all day. Doing chores seemed useless (even though they needed desperately to be done) so I chose to do something useful. I went to a coffee shop and worked on a personal research project for about two hours. It felt so good. I think I felt depressed that I had lost sight of my ultimate goal and was just wallowing in my loneliness and lack of purpose in life.

 

Funny thing is that I felt motivated by something turnera said to me in another thread of mine. It was about my recent studying and why someone in my life doesn't like it. I saw that as reinforcement that I'm on the right path. There is a saying that having haters means you're doing something right. So after I finished the research for today, I came home and watched more online lectures.

 

This is how I will get ahead. People get ahead by being clever and having passion and being knowledgeable about a subject. Most of all, I know how to put ideas together to make something new, something original. I can't give up. Maybe I should even start telling people what I am doing. Maybe getting feedback - both good and bad - will encourage me to keep going. I've been worried that people will laugh or look at me funny, but maybe they won't.

[SpiralOut]

I have attracted someone extremely positive into my life. This is a good sign.

 

Talking to him makes me look at myself differently, in a better light. I feel disoriented. It gives me a lot to think about.

 

Feels like I'm on the edge of a new awareness. I can't quite grab onto it, but it's there.

[SpiralOut]

Last night was challenging. I am proud of how I handled things. I went to my usual meet-up group. The regulars there are used to me and seem to have accepted me. Some of them seem to like me. There were three newer people. One had only met me once. The second was brand new. They were both very outgoing. The third was a new girl who I got along with very well. However, the outgoing new people sort of tittered at me. They weren't outright rude, but the way they acted towards me was different from how they treated the others, and it was also different from how most people handle me. I think they found me awkward and odd, which I'll admit I sometimes can be. However, most people have no problem with me.

 

Normally I feel attacked, misunderstood and bad about myself when anyone laughs at my awkwardness. I normally focus on myself and how I feel. Last night, I stayed calm. I thought to myself, "this isn't about me. It is about them." I looked at them to see why they were acting that way.. I think they felt uncomfortable, being new to the group and also being the only loud ones. I think they felt out of their element, to be surrounded by people who feel comfortable with silence. Most of us knew each other and most of us are on the introverted side. They were the odd ones out! I saw how the one woman kept pointing out her differences to us. The outgoing man expressed his discomfort with the silences that would sometimes come up. So I was an easy person to try and shove their discomfort onto. Again, I don't think they did it out of mean-spiritedness. They weren't outright hostile or rude but their reaction wasn't good.

 

So long story short, I stayed calm in a situation that normally would have left me feeling terrible about myself. I had some really good conversation with some of the others. They showed interest in me. It felt good. I cannot deny my awkwardness. However I have a good heart and that will show through. I trust that as people get to know me, they will see past whatever bad impression they might get and realize there is good in me. As I talk to people more and more, the awkwardness will fall away.

Edited August 14, 2013 by SpiralOut

[joshwatson1]

Thanks a lot friends for sharing your useful opinions and views i really appreciate it.

[SpiralOut]

I practically had a breakdown last night. Something bad happened that made me snap.

 

Maybe this is good for me to feel pain. I was numb for a long time and I think that messed me up. So it is good for me to feel awful and cry it out. It teaches me that the world doesn't end just because I got hurt. Life goes on. And people have been very supportive of what happened - something important to me got stolen - which makes me realize not everyone is a jerk. Most people are decent at heart.

 

I am now forced to consider my situation, which is that it sucks. My finances, career, love life, social life all suck. It freaks me out to think of the changes I will need to make. Tonight I felt overwhelmed. I couldn't concentrate on anything I needed to do.

 

I updated my blog, and instantly got more followers, which feels good. I've got a good writing voice and I try to keep a positive point of view, and people like that. In this world, is it really our skills that matter or how we present ourselves? A bit of both I guess, but I think I've got something more to me than just the stuff on my resume. I have interesting ideas. Even though I have social anxiety, I still want the world to be a good place for people. I want to encourage and inspire people to be creative and express themselves. It is good for the soul.

 

I don't sound crazy, do I? I feel like it's my purpose in life to spread the message. It's okay for us to be connected to ourselves and accept ourselves. I'm still thinking of being a yoga teacher, although it might also be good for me to start working in an all-natural store, or something of that sort. I need to be in an environment that holds the same life philosophy as me.

 

I feel ashamed of how terrible I have acted over the years. I want to have compassion for those who act that same way and I find it difficult to do. I still condemn others in my mind. That's not good. It's better to be compassionate. Maybe I'm not ready to do that yet, but it's good that I want to.

[SpiralOut]

This weekend went okay. I have reorganized some stuff in the apartment again, cleaned dirty furniture, threw out all the food that went bad in the fridge, and cleared up the plants that were dying or needed to be repotted. Now I am cooking batches of food that can be frozen so my meals are more organized. I still think that organization of my place is a huge part of feeling organized in my mind.

 

Now I am doing some weeding. Setting aside things I don't need that I could sell. Looking at meetup groups I joined by don't ever go to and should probably leave. Free online courses I started but haven't finished yet. Personal projects that I should probably abandon so I can focus on what matters. All these things clutter my mental space, making me feel stressed out about what I haven't finished even though I don't actually care about them as much as I thought I did.

 

It seems like the process of discovering myself has created all sorts of clutter as I try a bunch of different things and discard half of it.

 

I booked off some vacation time next month. I'll spend some of it with the guy I am seeing. The rest of it I'll spend on my own, using the extra time to rest and meditate. Maybe I will use a separate weekend to visit other people. Getting out of the city is really good for clearing my head.

[SpiralOut]

I can see a big difference between me now and 10 years ago as far as relationships go. I treat the men I date with more respect now than I did back then. I get insecure sometimes with this guy, but instead of acting out and being needy and asking for reassurance, I just reassure myself and tell myself even if something goes wrong, I will be okay. I can't control things. It's not about getting what I want. It's about liking someone so much that I treat him with respect, even if I get scared or hurt. That doesn't mean that I'll put up with crap, just that I won't take things out on him if I think he's being a dick. I can ask what is going on, and if he continues to be a dick then I can leave.

[SpiralOut]

Okay so he'd been acting distant and I finally asked him what's up. He said he wasn't sure about being in a relationship. I had to ask him to expand on that, and he gave me short answers. I feel like there is something he doesn't want to tell me. Maybe he found out something about me he doesn't like? This really hurts, to meet a guy I feel such a connection with who tells me he feels the same. We have sooo much in common, the way we look at things, enjoy learning, common interests, spiritual beliefs. He told me things about how I am what his soul needs and he thinks we are kindred spirits. He travelled all the way here to visit me and he treated me like a queen.

 

Then he became more and more distant to the point of ignoring my texts. It really hurt. I am angry that he wouldn't even end things properly. He was being all wishy washy with the "i'm not sure" and "I don't know" instead of just outright telling me he doesn't want to see me again. I decided to make it easy for him. I told him I would not visit him, no hard feelings. I would stop messaging him. If he wants to talk to me he can, but if I don't ever hear from him again then I'm glad that I met him.

 

He hasn't responded yet. I don't know if he will at all. I hope that he says at least something. How could you act SUPER into someone then just BAM avoid them completely? We didn't even fight about anything. I don't understand what's wrong. But if he's unsure, that means I'm wrong for him. If I was right for him he wouldn't be acting this way. He would do whatever he could to make things work with me.

 

I'm just sick of men doing this to me. They act super interested, then suddenly avoid me. I'll probably be alone forever. It makes me want to give up.

[SpiralOut]

I got through today feeling horrible. I don't like how that guy ended things with me, dragging things out and being vague and doing it all through text messages, when I thought we were close enough to not end things that way. I don't even know if he wants to stay friends or stay in touch or what the hell he is thinking. I couldn't get a read on his emotions. Plus I woke up with a horrible headache.

 

I remember now why I became reclusive and anxious. Stuff like this hurts. I don't like hurting. It's hard for me to cope with it. So I made myself numb, to erase the pain of rejection from people, the pain of failure. By the end of today I somehow had a smile on my face.

 

If it weren't for all this pain I have gone through, I would not have found my spiritual path. I'm still figuring stuff out, but at least I found the trail. Now I know why people turn to religion. I need to gather strength from somewhere, and the only person who will always be there for me is me. Prayer helps me to access the stronger parts of me. I will always need other people, but maybe I will feel more secure in my relationships. Maybe I will let people go more easily when it is time to let someone go. So that's what made me smile today, remembering how I never used to know this and now I do.

 

It feels like fighting through a tunnel of insults and accusations aimed at me, that I used to take personally, and coming out the other side to turn around and see where those comments are coming from. And I see now those insults come from a place of fear, ignorance, self-hatred, insecurity of others. I don't have to take it.

Edited August 31, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I used to be one of those people who took out her insecurities on others without knowing it. Maybe I still do it sometimes without realizing it. And here I am getting nasty comments from all sorts of people, making endless posts about crappy friends. I now feel as though I am getting back what I deserve for the way I have acted towards others. For awhile I thought this was a punishment. But maybe it is a sign that I have reached the other side of it. Maybe this is why I've reacted strongly to the way others take things out on me. Is that really how I came across? Did I really used to be that angry? It's embarrassing.

 

I've been slowly finding compassion towards people who angered me. I find that as I forgive and understand them, it is easier for me to admit my own mistakes I have made.

 

Had a conversation with someone this weekend which made me realize that I still hide parts of myself. I keep thinking that I am doing a good job of being myself now, and it's true that I've improved. However, I still hold back.

 

This is exhausting.

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm just sick of men doing this to me. They act super interested, then suddenly avoid me. I'll probably be alone forever. It makes me want to give up.

 

That gate swings both ways I assure you.

[SpiralOut]

@ MrScorpio: Oh I'm sure it does.

 

I am going to focus on befriending other women for now. Just went to a meet-up group last night and had a fantastic time. It was so nice to FINALLY meet some women I have stuff in common with.

[SpiralOut]

I found a place that sounds good so far for counselling. They have hours and location that works for me. I feel ready to talk to someone about the source of my depression. If I can figure out where my feelings of low-self worth are coming from, maybe that will help me to move forward. All I need to do is call them back again to set up the appointment.

 

It feels like I am about to go into The Heart of Darkness. I feel scared but hopeful.

[SpiralOut]

I had my appointment today. It is exactly what I am looking for. She talked a lot about defences that are there to protect something. There are parts that are scared or hurt and that's why my defenses exist. Those are the parts I need to get to know.

 

This is difficult and stressful but it is what I need to do. It is the only way to get to the root of my insecurities and learn how to deal with them.

[mikei880]

I've only read your second set of posts and it sounds like you have come a long way from the beginning until now. It takes huge courage to step outside yourself and realize and own what you were and journal this in a public setting. Therapy will be huge for you. Be proud of yourself for the journey and for the inspiration you are providing for others.

[mikei880]

I've only read your second set of posts and it sounds like you have come a long way from the beginning until now. It takes huge courage to step outside yourself and realize and own what you were and journal this in a public setting. Therapy will be huge for you. Be proud of yourself for the journey and for the inspiration you are providing for others.