I want a child; do I break this off now or wait?

[mattea]

I posted this in a different forum, but thought maybe it made more sense here?

 

First off I am a woman and 39, so it is late in life to have a child. However, I know/see quite a few women in their early 40's having children and it is a lot more common. I am healthy and have no reason to think I wouldn't be able to have a child, but not certain and not sure for how much longer.

 

I recently started dating a 43 year old man who has a 2 1/2 year old son. I realize that a lot of men around my age will have a child or children, and have often thought that they wouldn't want more if their children were already 'older'. With this man - he loves his son like crazy, is a very devoted father who has his son half the time, and only has one son who is still young. So I really thought he'd be open to having another child, and maybe even want his son to have a sibling.

 

However, he has had a VERY hard time of it. He was laid off not long after his son was born (after 12 years at the same place in a good career), has done odd jobs but is in a bad place financially. He is finally working again, but won't have nearly the income he had before and is incredibly stressed and worried about supporting his son, where he will live (he has been living with family for a few months), etc., etc. Plus he and his ex separated early on (when his son was 6 months old) and it sounds like it was more her decision and wasn't what he wanted. He didn't date for 2 years, til meeting me just a couple months ago.

 

Our relationship is still very young, and I'm not saying I want to have a child right now, but I need to know he is open to it if things progress with us. He knows I want a child, and that it is a strong desire for me that isn't going to go away. He has expressed that he is exhausted and it has been so hard and he's struggling so much. At times he's seemed to say 'no way' (and talked about a vasectomy), at other times he seems to consider it and has even said stuff like, 'not ready just yet' or even referred to 'our' future child. Right now he is trying to crawl out of a major financial hole, get back to having his own place, and deal with major stress. He also seems to have concerns about his son 'bouncing around' when there is another child who would live full time with him and another mother.

 

He has every valid and understandable reason for not wanting another child, especially under the current circumstances. I am not ready to have a child with him right now - our relationship is still way too new and he needs to get back on his feet. (Personally, I am not as worried about the financial aspects though as I make very good money, but I understand why he is). Anyway, I know this desire is not going to go away for me and would feel like a HUGE loss if I don't ever get to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know that I have a big heart and could love his son and have a special relationship with him, but he has a mom who loves him very much and I wouldn't take her place nor would I want to. I want to experience having a child of my own, with a man I love. I feel that I am headed that way with this man - I am definitely falling in love with him and it is clearly going both ways. There is a lot that is good with it, starting with the open communication and so much more...

 

I don't know what to do here, though. Am I wasting my time and possibly losing my opportunity by hoping he will feel differently if/when our relationship becomes more serious with more of a foundation and he's in a better place financially? He talks about his deep love for and pride in his son and all the amazing and adorable moments they have together every time I see him. Like I said, I don't doubt I could love his son, but I'm so afraid of never experiencing bringing life into the world and knowing motherhood. I am so happy for him and admire so much the kind of dad he is, but it is sometimes hard for me to see him having that experience, knowing I might not get the same chance. What must it be like to have had this person come from you? I wish I knew, afraid I never will.

 

I just don't want to stick it out and hope for him to change his mind or feel differently. That might be foolish. On the other hand, the circumstances are extreme for him and getting better, and our relationship is still so young. I would feel so much more at ease if I was with someone who knew what they wanted (and it was a child), but it isn't like I meet men all the time who I connect with this way. I had been dating a little for quite awhile before he came along and sort of 'rocked my world'. Doesn't happen every day!

 

Help!!

[manup]

I posted this in a different forum, but thought maybe it made more sense here?

 

First off I am a woman and 39, so it is late in life to have a child. However, I know/see quite a few women in their early 40's having children and it is a lot more common. I am healthy and have no reason to think I wouldn't be able to have a child, but not certain and not sure for how much longer.

 

I recently started dating a 43 year old man who has a 2 1/2 year old son. I realize that a lot of men around my age will have a child or children, and have often thought that they wouldn't want more if their children were already 'older'. With this man - he loves his son like crazy, is a very devoted father who has his son half the time, and only has one son who is still young. So I really thought he'd be open to having another child, and maybe even want his son to have a sibling.

 

However, he has had a VERY hard time of it. He was laid off not long after his son was born (after 12 years at the same place in a good career), has done odd jobs but is in a bad place financially. He is finally working again, but won't have nearly the income he had before and is incredibly stressed and worried about supporting his son, where he will live (he has been living with family for a few months), etc., etc. Plus he and his ex separated early on (when his son was 6 months old) and it sounds like it was more her decision and wasn't what he wanted. He didn't date for 2 years, til meeting me just a couple months ago.

 

Our relationship is still very young, and I'm not saying I want to have a child right now, but I need to know he is open to it if things progress with us. He knows I want a child, and that it is a strong desire for me that isn't going to go away. He has expressed that he is exhausted and it has been so hard and he's struggling so much. At times he's seemed to say 'no way' (and talked about a vasectomy), at other times he seems to consider it and has even said stuff like, 'not ready just yet' or even referred to 'our' future child. Right now he is trying to crawl out of a major financial hole, get back to having his own place, and deal with major stress. He also seems to have concerns about his son 'bouncing around' when there is another child who would live full time with him and another mother.

 

He has every valid and understandable reason for not wanting another child, especially under the current circumstances. I am not ready to have a child with him right now - our relationship is still way too new and he needs to get back on his feet. (Personally, I am not as worried about the financial aspects though as I make very good money, but I understand why he is). Anyway, I know this desire is not going to go away for me and would feel like a HUGE loss if I don't ever get to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know that I have a big heart and could love his son and have a special relationship with him, but he has a mom who loves him very much and I wouldn't take her place nor would I want to. I want to experience having a child of my own, with a man I love. I feel that I am headed that way with this man - I am definitely falling in love with him and it is clearly going both ways. There is a lot that is good with it, starting with the open communication and so much more...

 

I don't know what to do here, though. Am I wasting my time and possibly losing my opportunity by hoping he will feel differently if/when our relationship becomes more serious with more of a foundation and he's in a better place financially? He talks about his deep love for and pride in his son and all the amazing and adorable moments they have together every time I see him. Like I said, I don't doubt I could love his son, but I'm so afraid of never experiencing bringing life into the world and knowing motherhood. I am so happy for him and admire so much the kind of dad he is, but it is sometimes hard for me to see him having that experience, knowing I might not get the same chance. What must it be like to have had this person come from you? I wish I knew, afraid I never will.

 

I just don't want to stick it out and hope for him to change his mind or feel differently. That might be foolish. On the other hand, the circumstances are extreme for him and getting better, and our relationship is still so young. I would feel so much more at ease if I was with someone who knew what they wanted (and it was a child), but it isn't like I meet men all the time who I connect with this way. I had been dating a little for quite awhile before he came along and sort of 'rocked my world'. Doesn't happen every day!

 

Help!!

 

I would go to a doctor and make sure you can still get pregnant. A lot of times it's easier for women to have kids in their 40's if they've already given birth. You also need to consider health of the child and any extra expenses that you might have in trying to get pregnant at your age. Pushing it off more isn't really going to be a good idea, menopause can come earlier for women in your position, it happened to my aunt. If you absolutely want your own kid than yeah you should break it off and find a guy who wants a kid with you. This might sound difficult, but you could try online dating sites so you can make sure the guy wants the same thing. Also, maybe consider adoption. You won't be pregnant, but you'd still be a mother to someone who will really need one.

[blindotter]

How early is "early in our relationship"? Can you have a frank and open discussion about your hopes in this regard with your current partner?

[mattea]

How early is "early in our relationship"? Can you have a frank and open discussion about your hopes in this regard with your current partner?

 

We have only been dating a couple months. As I said, I am not wanting to get pregnant with him now,just want to know if it is out of the question for the future for him. We've talked about it a bit, he knows how I feel to some extent and has expressed major reservations on his part but has said a couple things that express some possibility. Just don't really think he can see it from his present vantage point. I do want to have the FULL discussion - like if x, y, and z were different could he see it. Just not sure when is the right time to do this given the newness of our relationship and his pretty large amount of stress/predicaments right now..

[mattea]

Stay in the moment. You are trying to predict the future. You say yourself you're not ready, he's not ready, so you two are in agreement. Let things unfold naturally. Try not to put pressure on yourself. Adoption is always an option.

 

Thank you. I am really trying to do what you say and really trying to be in the moment with him. It is just that at times he's seemed pretty dead set against it, which makes me feel not like I'm predicting the future but like he's telling me no and I'm not listening, just hoping it will change. On occasion it has seemed like there could be a little open door there, if he could see things being a lot different than they have been for him so far as a parent (unemployment, major financial stress, ending of the relationship with his son's mother)

[sb129]

I think going to the dr to see where you stand physically is a good idea.

 

Not to be alarmist, but if I'd waited till I was 39, I would have definitely missed out.

 

You can get a simple blood test that can tell you roughly how much longer you have to conceive naturally.

 

Once you have this information you'll be better prepared to either discuss it with your partner, or wait if the results say you have time on your side.

[mattea]

I think going to the dr to see where you stand physically is a good idea.

 

Not to be alarmist, but if I'd waited till I was 39, I would have definitely missed out.

 

You can get a simple blood test that can tell you roughly how much longer you have to conceive naturally.

 

Once you have this information you'll be better prepared to either discuss it with your partner, or wait if the results say you have time on your side.

 

Thank you, this is very helpful. I didn't realize about the blood tests. I did some research after reading your reply. I do believe I am ovulating. I have regular cycles and I chart my temperatures and the signs of ovulation. They are there, plus my temperatures rise during the second part of my cycle, indicating ovulation has happened. Still, I see there are other tests that can be done regarding quality of the eggs, etc. So I will look into this. Thanks

[sb129]

Thank you, this is very helpful. I didn't realize about the blood tests. I did some research after reading your reply. I do believe I am ovulating. I have regular cycles and I chart my temperatures and the signs of ovulation. They are there, plus my temperatures rise during the second part of my cycle, indicating ovulation has happened. Still, I see there are other tests that can be done regarding quality of the eggs, etc. So I will look into this. Thanks

 

My situation isn't that common, but I had all the signs of ovulating as well, did all the charting for months while trying for our second child, yet once I had the tests it turned out I had reduced egg quality and not very many left for my age. (I'm 35, and as I said, it IS unusual for a woman of my age)

 

I had an AMH blood test which helps doctors tell you roughly how much longer you've got to conceive- mine was in the 10th percentile, so very very low and we ended up having IVF. Which I'm pleased to say was successful and the baby is due in a couple of months.

 

Anyway that aside, learning that about myself was a big shock, as I'd assumed that I would be totally fine to have another child, esp as we had one already.

I also know quite a few women in their mid-late thirties who have required some kind of fertility assistance to conceive.

Trying to get pregnant month after month is stressful and takes its toll on even the most robust of long term relationships!

 

After hearing about whats happened to me and other women, a couple of my single friends have decided to have their eggs frozen to take the pressure off themselves and any new relationships they may embark on.

If you have eggs harvested and stored they stay the age you are when they are taken out.

 

I would urge any woman over the age of 35 who wants kids and isn't sure whether they are in the right relationship yet to get as much information about themselves and their fertility as possible, as forewarned is forearmed, and it could take alot of pressure off your relationship.

 

All the best.

[sb129]

And for every story like that, there's a menopausal woman who conceives, so it's really up to God if you ask me.

 

Statistically that's far from true.

 

If it was there would be thousands of menopausal women having kids.

Fertility clinics are busier than ever because women are leaving it later and later to have children.

 

That's nothing to do with god, it's basic biology.

Not everyone believes in god, and I'm sure the OP doesn't want this thread to turn into a preaching session.

 

Leaving conception to chance in your late thirties is taking a gamble- and not one I was prepared to take.

 

Not sure why you liked my post when you disagree with it?

[mattea]

Because you're talking about it at 2 months in! That's too soon! Get to know him! Having a child with someone and it doesn't work out seems like an inconvenience I am glad I do not have.

 

I understand what you mean, to a point. I am not ready yo have a child with HIM at this point, nor do I know him well enough/feel solid enough in a relationship with him to know yet if I want to have a child with HIM in the future. The same could be said about me from his perspective. Of course it is too soonto know specifically about US having a child.

 

However, I knew before meeting him that I really want a child, and had hopes that it was still possible I could meet someone who wanted the same thing (in general) and things would develop well relationship-wise, and it would still be possible physically...

 

If he KNEW before even meeting me that, regardless of how good a relationship could end up being, he definitively does NOT want another child, isn't is better for me to know that now?

[sb129]

To the contrary, the number of abortions in women over 40 has risen by a third in the past decade, with 8,000 choosing to terminate a pregnancy in 2010 alone. I wish they'd opted for adoption instead.

 

You realise that these numbers don't tell you WHY they were terminated?

 

Pregnancy in women over 40 is considered high risk to both the mother and the baby- you have no idea of knowing whether these terminations were due to simply being "unwanted" or whether they were high risk pregnancies where there was something wrong with the baby.

 

I don't think your religious or anti abortion views are appropriate for this thread. They have the potential to inflame things unnecessarily.

 

The OP wants practical advice.

 

If you want children, getting information about your own fertility is a practical thing to do at age 39, regardless of your relationship status.

The science exists, and helps thousands of women conceive (including myself) who wouldn't have had a chance otherwise.

[sb129]

 

My guy went from definitely not to "if it happens, cool, if not, that's cool, too" and now back to definitely not.

 

We're not married. I'm open to adoption and he can't say anything against that when/if it happens.

 

I just read your other thread- sounds like there are quite a few reasons why having children or even adopting them probably isn't a good idea for you with your R at its current status, no offense.

 

I hope your situation works out happily in the end.

Edited February 18, 2013 by sb129

[sb129]

None taken, but I am curious as to why you think a relationship status impacts my independent decision to adopt. It's not like there are multiple male figures traipsing through my life....

 

It doesn't on your decision to adopt, but it may impact on your ability to adopt.

 

Because its hard enough for a happily married couple to adopt.

 

Where I live you have to go through a pretty rigorous screening process to adopt a child and there are more people wanting babies than there are babies to go around and the waiting lists are long.

 

Single women or women in complicated relationships simply don't rank as highly in the pecking order- however unfair that may be.

 

A couple I know (happily married, healthy, good jobs, financially secure) ended up adopting children from Romania at great financial expense to them because they didn't want to wait year after year for a baby only to be disappointed.

They compromised and adopted a family of three children with the youngest being four. A ready made family, for sure and they've done a wonderful thing, but its a big difference from having a tiny baby.

[mattea]

 

You realise that these numbers don't tell you WHY they were terminated?

 

Pregnancy in women over 40 is considered high risk to both the mother and the baby- you have no idea of knowing whether these terminations were due to simply being "unwanted" or whether they were high risk pregnancies where there was something wrong with the baby.

 

I don't think your religious or anti abortion views are appropriate for this thread. They have the potential to inflame things unnecessarily.

 

The OP wants practical advice.

 

If you want children, getting information about your own fertility is a practical thing to do at age 39, regardless of your relationship status.

The science exists, and helps thousands of women conceive (including myself) who wouldn't have had a chance otherwise.

 

I think I've been a little afraid to find out, especially since there was no man in the picture so no actual possibility regardless (unless I decided to go it alone, which I have not yet). I realize that finding out could help me long term though, like with freezing eggs or whatever (though I know that is something women typically do at a much younger age and is also very expensive). Also because I'm trying to make a stay or go decision in a relationship, while I might not even be able to have a kid so it would be a moot point. Or if I knew something about a rough amount of time I have left, that would help a lot with decisions too (didn't know anyone could tell me this). I will definitely call the doctor.

 

I know there are more risks and it is harder, if not impossible, for many women to get pregnant at my age. On the other hand, I personally know quite a few women who have had babies at my age or in their early 40s, and people (now adults) who are children of mothers who had them at that age. My ex's mom is almost 69 and her mon had her at 40. Back then it was reaaly uncommon! Not to say I don't need to 'get real' about the realities/risks, going to the doc should help with that. But I'm also trying to remain hopeful

[mattea]

He'll probably go back and forth, based on his feelings for you and -- hello!! -- his financial situation! That's got to be corrected first!

 

My guy went from definitely not to "if it happens, cool, if not, that's cool, too" and now back to definitely not.

 

We're not married. I'm open to adoption and he can't say anything against that when/if it happens.

 

Trust me I don't need the 'hello!!' about the financial situation and need for correction there. I'm very aware it needs to get resolved first, and not interested in having a child with him under those conditions, as well as being able to understand why he wouldn't at all want to.

 

You're probably right about the mind-changing, *if* and when he can get on his feet and we're solid together. I guess it is just that I have known for years I definitely wanted a child, but circumstances have kept it from happening. I was with someone for several years before, and the relationship was really hard but took me awhile to extricate myself from it and move on. Then took me a year before I met my current boyfriend. If I was in a financial mess personally it wouldn't stop me from feeling like I want a child, just would stop me from doing it unless/until that improved.

[sb129]

I think I've been a little afraid to find out, especially since there was no man in the picture so no actual possibility regardless (unless I decided to go it alone, which I have not yet). I realize that finding out could help me long term though, like with freezing eggs or whatever (though I know that is something women typically do at a much younger age and is also very expensive). Also because I'm trying to make a stay or go decision in a relationship, while I might not even be able to have a kid so it would be a moot point. Or if I knew something about a rough amount of time I have left, that would help a lot with decisions too (didn't know anyone could tell me this). I will definitely call the doctor.

 

I know there are more risks and it is harder, if not impossible, for many women to get pregnant at my age. On the other hand, I personally know quite a few women who have had babies at my age or in their early 40s, and people (now adults) who are children of mothers who had them at that age. My ex's mom is almost 69 and her mon had her at 40. Back then it was reaaly uncommon! Not to say I don't need to 'get real' about the realities/risks, going to the doc should help with that. But I'm also trying to remain hopeful

 

I really do hope that things work out for you.

 

Tough situation to be in, glad you seem to have a practical head on your shoulders.

 

I didn't mean to sound quite so doom and gloom!

[pink_sugar]

Right now I am so undecided on having kids in the future. (I'm 24) Still plenty of time to change my mind, but I know I want to experience pregnancy (just not sure if I want the 18 years of responsibility)...I would actually consider surrogacy if I never had children of my own or if someone close to me needed help. Only if it's an implanted embryo though and the child isn't biologically mine.

[pteromom]

1. You need to get checked up medically now. I know it is scary, but information is power. Even if you aren't ready to have a child at this moment, you need to know what you are dealing with and what your odds are.

 

2. You need to have a VERY serious heart-to-heart talk with him. You need to explain that having a child is very important to you and you need to know if he is on board with having a child with you or not. You need a YES or NO. I understand it's early in your relationship, but you aren't 25. You don't have a year or two to waste on this guy if he's gonna hem and haw.

 

3. They won't freeze your eggs at 40. If your FSH is still at a level where you might get pregnant, it won't be for long. I hate to say it because it sounds like such a downer, but if having a baby with your own eggs is important to you, you want to get started right now. If this guy doesn't want to be involved, there are sperm banks. He doesn't HAVE to decide to be a father in order for you to be a mother.

 

I have a lot of experience with infertility and related options, so if you want to PM me, feel free, and I can send you some links of places to go for information and support.

[mattea]

1. You need to get checked up medically now. I know it is scary, but information is power. Even if you aren't ready to have a child at this moment, you need to know what you are dealing with and what your odds are.

 

2. You need to have a VERY serious heart-to-heart talk with him. You need to explain that having a child is very important to you and you need to know if he is on board with having a child with you or not. You need a YES or NO. I understand it's early in your relationship, but you aren't 25. You don't have a year or two to waste on this guy if he's gonna hem and haw.

 

3. They won't freeze your eggs at 40. If your FSH is still at a level where you might get pregnant, it won't be for long. I hate to say it because it sounds like such a downer, but if having a baby with your own eggs is important to you, you want to get started right now. If this guy doesn't want to be involved, there are sperm banks. He doesn't HAVE to decide to be a father in order for you to be a mother.

 

I have a lot of experience with infertility and related options, so if you want to PM me, feel free, and I can send you some links of places to go for information and support.

 

Thank you

 

I have talked to the doctor and will go soon for the blood test.

 

I am thinking more about the heart-to-heart with him. It will happen soon. I had to hold back tears when he told me about how he and his ex played music for their son when she was pregnant. I hold back tears at work, too, because of several pregnant coworkers sharing things with me and men who's wives are expecting. Not that I am not happy for them, but I am so scared I won't have the experience it causes real pain. It is too much.

[Sugarkane]

I kind if feel Like we've been lied too that we can have it all and wait forever. This makes me want to ignore my parents who say leave it as long as possible. And have kids at 40. Despite the risks and down sides. I find this odd when my extended family all had kids young.

[Sugarkane]

It's annoying that over a few decades evolution still hasn't caught up.

[sb129]

It's annoying that over a few decades evolution still hasn't caught up.

 

To what? Having kids later in life?

 

Its only been one maybe two decades- evolution doesn't work that fast!

 

And I;m not sure that it would. Survival of the fittest and all that.

[pink_sugar]

I kind if feel Like we've been lied too that we can have it all and wait forever. This makes me want to ignore my parents who say leave it as long as possible. And have kids at 40. Despite the risks and down sides. I find this odd when my extended family all had kids young.

 

My mom, dad and grandmother all have negative views on having kids. My mom used to tell me years ago not to have kids until I am 40. Now my mom cannot wait to be a grandmother, but when she is mad, still says "wait until you are a mom someday". So she is surprised when I say I am considering becoming childfree. Then she will suddenly say how great becoming a mom is.

[Sugarkane]

To what? Having kids later in life?

 

Its only been one maybe two decades- evolution doesn't work that fast!

 

And I;m not sure that it would. Survival of the fittest and all that.

 

Yes later in life. Not just that but also other useless things eg wisdom teeth. Why did I have to get them? I had worst case (lower) impacted wisdom teeth. It took The specialist 2 hours to get them out. I regretted taking my mothers advice and being awake. They were very painful. Meanwhile other people go to the hospital to get easy wisdom teeth out. How does that compare to childbirth?

[mattea]

I kind if feel Like we've been lied too that we can have it all and wait forever. This makes me want to ignore my parents who say leave it as long as possible. And have kids at 40. Despite the risks and down sides. I find this odd when my extended family all had kids young.

 

Your parents say wait til 40??

 

I didn't wait til this age because I drank any kool aid or anything. I don't think I was equipped to have a child in my 20s. In the last decade, I just haven't had the best luck with relationships. I was with a few men who said they wanted kids (one of them who changed his mind at times), but unfortunately the relationships were not healthy/good enough for that. Now I am in what *seems* like it has the potential to be a healthy and good relationship (early to know for sure yet), but with a man who might not want another child.

 

I've wanted a child for many years - it wasn't chosing to wait that got me here, but not finding a relationship that would support co-paenting. It has been a painful road...