H seemed to have lost interest...or passion for me

[Whatitistoburn]

I have been visiting this site for a while now and it has given me great insights on relationships. today, I finally decided to register. Now, this is my first post so pls be nice with your responses or be a little less mean (if u intend to be mean

 

I love my husband so much. We've been together for years and I still feel the same way as I did before we got married and when i fell in love with him. I still smile to myself and giggle inside whenever I look at him in front of his laptop focused on work or when he's lying in bed watching his favorite tv shows. I adore him and I absolutely find him so sexy. The problem is I am stuck in the past. I always remember and reminisce the sweet things hes done and our first year together when we just couldn't get our hands off each other. Years later, of course, it's not like that anymore. We have sex once a month, twice if I'm lucky maybe i just dont know how to tempt him but whenever I try to make the first move, he seems to be always tired so I've resorted to just waiting when he feels like it and he will make the first move. he's still very sweet but sometimes I feel like he's too tired to make an effort like for Vday, he just slept the whole day - the first vday we didnt do anything. We talked about it several times but the usual response is "honeymoon stage is over" he once said that after years of marriage, of course the passion is gone and later explained that its not that our marriage is passionless now but that it's different now. Silly me, during the conversation, I had to argue "But i dont want the passion to go away. I dont want the honeymoon phase to be over." It's true. It saddens me how things have changed. I trust him that he loves me. The love is there, its just not the same as before. He insisted it's not the same because he loves me more now! So how do I cope? What should I do? Grow up maybe? Is this really how marriages go? Is it an age thing? hes 10years older than me. should i just accept it as it is? I feel clueless, immature and helpless. TIA

Edited February 17, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[dichotomy]

Many of us husbands deal with the same about our wives losing interest or stopping doing certain acts. I find it interesting and sad when it is the wife that's seeking passion and fun from the husband, because as a man I can't comprehend turning down a sexually charged loving wife. I am sorry for you.

 

It can take work to maintain the sexual part of the marriage after a while - but marriage is work/compromise/giving - and many don't want to put in the effort.

 

Love is not a feeling - it is giving and sacrifice even when you don't feel like it because you want the best for your partner.

 

Beyond sex - does he seem to care for you and your needs? Take your out to nice dinner, or plays/park/art gallery or what ever you passion is/was before? Sounds like maybe he is pulling back in a lot of areas ?

 

Of course there are other explinations beside normal giving up for this - has he had a physical (he is older than you) and checked his testosterone? Does he workout? Is he depressed or taking meds or heavy drinking? Are there any signs he is getting sexual release elsewhere (porn, or adultery).

Edited February 17, 2013 by dichotomy

[TigerCub]

How old are you?

 

How long have you been married?

 

Don't mean to sound rude - but did you physically change a lot after marriage?

 

Did he ever get his testosterone levels checked?

 

I haven't been married, but I think what he's saying is true and false:

 

Truth: Yes relationships change over time and they aren't as intense as they were in the beginning.

 

False: Couple stop being intimate and passionate (and that it is normal)

I know of couples that have been together 15+ years and they are very affectionate and I get stories from the ladies on how they get buzzzay!!

so I think what your H is wanting you to just accept is based on his false assumption.

 

I think you should talk to him further and see what's going on - maybe you guys should see a couple's therapist.

 

One last note: Don't get hung up on a silly day like Valentine's - BUT expecting romance and affection from your husband is NOT immature or silly at all.

I think both partners should always try to do sweet things for one another and to keep that special loving romance going.

[Whatitistoburn]

Thank you, Dichotomy! No, testosterone level hasn't been checked so it could be that. He doesn't work out or play sports but we are careful with our diet. He'd rather stay at home and read or watch tv, We're the same in that aspect. We both are anti-social and prefer to stay at home. It makes it worse because it made me get used to us being together all the time so Any changes in the relationship are pretty obvious. We go out for dinner but not as often as we used to.

 

He's not interested in porn either andI know he was telling the truth when he said the last time he saw porn was when he was 16.

[Whatitistoburn]

Thanks, TigerCub! im in my late 20s and hes in late 30s. We've been married for 6 years. I have changed physically but i think i look better now that I'm older. I am still a size 0 like when we first met. No, testosterone level hasnt been checked.

 

Yes, you're right. We need to talk about this. I just have to phrase it properly to avoid getting him defensive.

 

How old are you?

 

How long have you been married?

 

Don't mean to sound rude - but did you physically change a lot after marriage?

 

Did he ever get his testosterone levels checked?

 

I haven't been married, but I think what he's saying is true and false:

 

Truth: Yes relationships change over time and they aren't as intense as they were in the beginning.

 

False: Couple stop being intimate and passionate (and that it is normal)

I know of couples that have been together 15+ years and they are very affectionate and I get stories from the ladies on how they get buzzzay!!

so I think what your H is wanting you to just accept is based on his false assumption.

 

I think you should talk to him further and see what's going on - maybe you guys should see a couple's therapist.

 

One last note: Don't get hung up on a silly day like Valentine's - BUT expecting romance and affection from your husband is NOT immature or silly at all.

I think both partners should always try to do sweet things for one another and to keep that special loving romance going.

[Whatitistoburn]

Again, thank you for the replies. Funny, how your replies made me cry and then smile. I will have a conversation with him about this again asap.( Sadly, having him quit or take it easy on his drinking/smoking is out of the question. Ive tried that. But will try to get him to work out with me and will look for other ways of raising testosterone level naturally.) This time, i hope itll go well and that we both understand each other. I will try harder and maybe, just maybe, Ill get my sweet, loving husband back! Have a great day, guys!

Edited February 17, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[xxoo]

First of all: exercise. It boosts energy!

 

Secondly, even though the honeymoon stage is over (easy romance, all the time), it doesn't mean those feelings need to be gone for good. You can create those feelings, and that spark, by "courting" each other as you did when you were dating. Not all the time, but regularly.

 

Tell him you miss his sexual passion. You miss seeing the tiger in him. You know he's in there, and you want to inspire him to come out and play sometimes!

 

I just noticed the drinking part....how much does he drink? Does he drink a lot, every day? That could be the root of the problem right there....

[Whatitistoburn]

First of all: exercise. It boosts energy!

 

Secondly, even though the honeymoon stage is over (easy romance, all the time), it doesn't mean those feelings need to be gone for good. You can create those feelings, and that spark, by "courting" each other as you did when you were dating. Not all the time, but regularly.

 

Tell him you miss his sexual passion. You miss seeing the tiger in him. You know he's in there, and you want to inspire him to come out and play sometimes!

 

I just noticed the drinking part....how much does he drink? Does he drink a lot, every day? That could be the root of the problem right there....

 

Hi xxoo,

 

thanks for the input. I will definitely try to get him to exercise. Brisk walking or jogging maybe. I can do it with him if itll make it more fun and easier for him.

 

I really would love to get the "spark" that was once there back. I will look for ways to do this. I just hope he wont be so negative about it.

 

I tell him he's sexy, that I'm so attracted to him and that I miss the passion every now and then. Hope one day, itll work.

 

He drinks at home while we watch tv and before going to bed. He finishes about half a bottle of scotch, sometimes one full bottle. Yes, i agree, it could be that!

[TigerCub]

He drinks at home while we watch tv and before going to bed. He finishes about half a bottle of scotch, sometimes one full bottle. Yes, i agree, it could be that!

 

 

How big a bottle???

 

I dunno maybe I over react, but when I read 1/2 a bottle of scotch - I was shocked and that seemed like a LOT - so sometimes a full one seemed like a disaster. So I just wanted to ask how big a bottle (because if you're not referring to those little airplane size bottles) then you're talking about a lot of scotch.

 

I think you may need to address the drinking issue first.

 

Did he always drink so much even before getting married?

 

ETA - I'm not anti-drinking, but scotch is a hard liquor and so drinking "1/2 a bottle" or more a day seems like a lot.

[Whatitistoburn]

It's a 750ml bottle I think. Yes, he's into gin, scotch and wines ever since. He very rarely gets tipsy or drunk and he drinks at home so I'm fine with it. Oh dear, I didnt realize it's that much and that it's that bad maybe because it's so normal for him and I'm used to it. Weve talked about the drinking and he tried to lower his consumption when we tried to conceive but then we gave up wanting a baby. we were just happy the way we were/are with no kids so after that weve not really talked about the drinking again.

[xxoo]

That's a LOT of liquor.

 

Of course he's too tired for sex. He's sedated!

 

Does he "fall asleep" (pass out) on the couch a lot?

[Whatitistoburn]

Surprisingly, he doesn't pass out or fall asleep on the couch. Now, the prob is how to tell him. I have told him to take it easy on the alcohol. I'd do it gently and don't push it because thats how things were before and after we met, before and after we got married. I have accepted that part of him. Every time i touch on sensitive topics like alcohol and sex, i get a "do i go out with the guys and get drunk and come home late? No" or if i get pissy, then he'll go "this is about sex again!"

Edited February 17, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[TigerCub]

Surprisingly, he doesn't pass out or fall asleep on the couch. Now, the prob is how to tell him. I have told him to take it easy on the alcohol. I'd do it gently and don't push it because thats how things were before and after we met, before and after we got married. I have accepted that part of him. Every time i touch on sensitive topics like alcohol and sex, i get a "do i go out with the guys and get drunk and come home late? No" or if i get pissy, then he'll go "this is about sex again!"

 

 

That's terrible!!

 

So he gives you 2 crappy scenarios and is expecting to be commended for doing the least crappy one??

 

That's like if you were emailing and having intimate conversations with other men and you tell him "Do I go out and hang out with those other men and not come home to you?? No" so it must be ok that I'm doing the less crappy thing that still makes you feel terrible.

 

I think you two really need to work on communicating better. it seems like you're afraid to address important things with him and all he does is minimize your concerns and get defensive. Nothing good will be achieved in your marriage if things continue that way.

 

I'm sorry.

[xxoo]

He's defensive because he's addicted

[Whatitistoburn]

Thank you for the insights, guys! It really helps getting an opinion from other people. This is an eye opener for me. My husband is a good man. He is. And i will do my best to make our marriage work.

[mitchell]

That's a lot of alcohol. How long has he gone without drinking?

 

When you two have sex, is he a good lover? Does he take care of you or is he just interested in his own pleasure?

[toneNtam]

Sorry to bump up an old thread but, I've read two of your threads and I just can't get past how you seem so naive. I don't mean to offend you, but I really hope you'll open your eyes! My husband and I have been married for 25 years! Count 'em, 2-5 and we are still very sexually active and we both have great passion for each other! When we were married only 6 years, we were like bunnies!

 

That's a lot of alcohol, wow! And I'm afraid the problems go even deeper than that. You seem so concerned about him but, it doesn't seem he's nearly as concerned about your well being. Is he able to convince you of anything he wants?

 

If you're happy with the existing state of affairs in your marriage then that's certainly your right but, I'd be a little more direct if I were you. Especially since you are so young and more likely than not, have a long time ahead of you. Hubby, maybe not so much if he keeps drinking like that or anywhere close to it.

 

You sound like a sweet person but, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee! You have just as many rights in this relationship as your hubby does. I hope you take that into consideration.

[diipii]

Find a way to remind him he is lucky to be with you...maybe even a little jealous.

 

Not to the point of being unfaithful but join an interest group, get a hobby that takes you out of the house, visit relatives and stop over, be independent and confident.

 

If there is no joy after just a few weeks of this move on.