My Mother Burdened Me with a Secret

[SWAN808]

wow - that is tough and I have to say Im impressed by your lucid account of it all.

 

When I read posts like this I think that you need to try to build some sort of protective shield around you to keep some distance from the difficult individual - but enough to feel some sort fo connection to someone who is after all your mother.

 

Its a very unfair burden for you tho - and Im speechless that she impilcated you in that way when you were innocent and in love for the first time yourself.

Im sorry to hear this has made a strain on your marriage. I would suggest the best thing to do is to be as open as you are able with your husband. If someone understands the background - a lot can be worked through. If you are struggling to pay for expensive counselling sessions - maybe you can try some books? There is quite a lot of good printed advice out there - just check the reviews first.

 

Im not really an expert but all I can say is good luck and I hope you can work through it with your husband. Look after yourself with regards to your mother....Im sure in time it will become clear what it right...

[blue rain]

I was never aware of my beauty or uniqueness.

Only recently did i even realise that i'm not a dumbass.

2yrs ago i started exiting a 6+ yr depression.

I did not fully undertand what it was, and i spent about 1yr or more chasing ghosts.

The only good thing i managed to do in this time period was understanding that i had performance anxiety [regarding taking some exams], that i hurt myself to punish myself, and that i was going right into maladaptive daydreaming.

I think it was about 7-8 months ago when i was reading this forum that i realised i was abused as a kid [long story], and that my parents tried to help me out [granparents for 2yrs, school teacher for 4yrs, and school mates for about 8yrs up to HS], so i'm rather recent to all of this.

Digging deeper into my memories, writing them down in threads here i went through anger, and eventually recently just got to acceptance.

I wrote this part so far to give you a background.

Last August i actually made a post on exactly your question.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/340363-sabotaging-yourself-relationships

 

 

I was going to make another thread about a similar process, i'm not at home right now but i'll write it tonight [or tomorrow, depending on if i can finish fixing someone's PC], i shouldn't postpone it anymore.

The thread above and the other ones i made are a form of writing therapy, to correct my behaviour and what i see wrong in me.

To make me aware of them, because writing lasts longer ... and you can always reread it.

 

Thank you for sharing some of your story, Radu! I'm so very sorry to hear what you'e been going through and what you're stuggling with!! I'll read the post you linked to after I've posted this. I think it's very well done that you've already come to a place of acceptance! I hope your struggle will decrease over time and that you get the support you need. Writing is indeed very therapeutic.

 

Btw. I'm sorry it took me some days to answer to your post and the other ones here. I've fallen into a deep hole like never before... And am for the first time trying to allow myself to feel just the way I feel.

I am writing my masters degree while my inner and outer world seems to/is falling apart... So I think I have to stop writing and start prioritizing my mental wellbeing! Right now every aspect of my life is a battle... Just waking up and facing the day is something I would rather not do if that makes sense...

In a week I will ask my doc. to refer me to this place for people with anxiety, depression, (me) and eating disorders, where you can stay for 2 months (they do have some months of waiting before it's possible though) and where you are allowed to take a break from all the burdens of every day life and get daily group and individual therapy! Right now I see no other way for me to get better. All my life I've just been a survivor and neglected my mental health

 

All the best to you!!

[blue rain]

It's funny, but I've noticed that the people with the MOST unhealthy relationships with their parents are the one's LEAST able to separate themselves.

 

My parents are far from perfect, but far from abusive, so in the middle there...I had an easy time moving away, having relationships in which their opinions meant no more than the mailmans, and simply not picking up the phone or listening any longer when they got stupid. Sorry, gotta go !

 

I think those negative voices burrow in deep when we are young and our sense's of self are still being formed. What struck me was you said something along the lines of : you cut them out of your life for 2 yrs and since you have re established contact your marriage has been suffering !?! You DO see that THEY have a very unhealthy marriage correct ? Would you take advice from ME if I told you my husband beat me every night and cheated on me ? Of course not, so why listen to them ???

 

Set your boundaries girl ! When ever your mother gets negative with you, say " I really am at a point in my life where I choose not to listen to other peoples negative opinions, please call back when you have something pleasant to say".You are ALLOWING yourself to be in an abusive relationship, you DO NOT owe them your flesh as their whipping post.

 

I wouldn't rush into interfering with THEIR unhealthy relationship right now: you have enough on your plate. But please, distance yourself, and put you, your H and your marriage first, and give your parents an option to enrich that... or get the hell away ! Good luck sweetheart....keep posting !

 

Thanks for joining in! Thank you for your great post! I KNOW that you are so right in what you wrote there!!

Why should I try to love my mom back, when she's never really able to do that with me?! And surely with their unhealthy marriage they aren't able to be of any help with mine. Right now I'm taking a break from my mom and trying to figure out what to do with my life and the struggles I'm experiencing.

[blue rain]

Blue rain, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going and what you've been through. But I'm so happy to hear that you're working on resolving the problems!

 

I wanted to recommend you the book Toxic parents, but to my delight I saw that you've already found it! It's amazing and it has helped me a lot.

 

I've attended therapy and have discovered that I've been living in denial about what my parents/family did to me. I'm working through it now and it's so hard. But even though it's hard, it feels so good to be working on it and knowing that there's a way to save yourself.

 

Though I don't have kids, I always say to myself that I'm gonna break the generational cycle of abuse and toxicty, and that I won't treaty my kids so badly...

 

Btw, to me it was helpful to read the book "Families and how to survive them" by Skynner, because it was somewhat of an introduction to this matter and helped me to better understand the book Toxic parents. It might be a bit redundant or too simple for some people, but I like the style in which it was written.

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

 

Best wishes

 

Thank you so much for your great post! Your words of encouragement help a lot

I've started reading "Toxic Parents" and just picked up "Families and how to survive them" because you recommended it!

 

I wish you all the best of luck and succes with your work towards a healthier, happier life! While you're in this process: Do you have contact to your parents or how are you handling it? I'm sure that you'll be able to break the cycle of abuse and toxicity when you're doing the work that you are doing!!

 

All the best to you!

[blue rain]

wow - that is tough and I have to say Im impressed by your lucid account of it all.

 

When I read posts like this I think that you need to try to build some sort of protective shield around you to keep some distance from the difficult individual - but enough to feel some sort fo connection to someone who is after all your mother.

 

Its a very unfair burden for you tho - and Im speechless that she impilcated you in that way when you were innocent and in love for the first time yourself.

Im sorry to hear this has made a strain on your marriage. I would suggest the best thing to do is to be as open as you are able with your husband. If someone understands the background - a lot can be worked through. If you are struggling to pay for expensive counselling sessions - maybe you can try some books? There is quite a lot of good printed advice out there - just check the reviews first.

 

Im not really an expert but all I can say is good luck and I hope you can work through it with your husband. Look after yourself with regards to your mother....Im sure in time it will become clear what it right...

 

Thank you very much for your post! You're right that I need to build a protective shield around me!

And I've lent some books from the library to help me in this process.

As I wrote to Radu, I've falling into this deep hole right now...and everything seems to be a challenge... For the first time in my life I'm trying to allow myself to feel just the way I feel.

My husband and I are talking openly about all this. I'll have to see if he can bear this... If I had the money I'd find a place to stay on my own for a while. It's such a tough challenge for our relationship and I think it's also very challenging when we have his daughter 5 days every 9 days, although he says that it doesn't matter and that she'll understand that I'm a bit sad at the moment... I just feel like staying in bed by myself and reading all day long...

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi Blue rain:)

 

I was really happy to read your last posts in this thread, it seems like you're on a great way to feeling much better and learning how to life your own, happy life! And I’m glad so many people have shared their experience, I learnt a lot from reading them.

 

I don’t know if it showed in my previous post, but reading your posts really evoked a lot of emotions, but most of all anger at your parents (I don’t want to be rude or sth) for treating you the way they do, sadness for what they’ve done to you, and hope and happiness at how you’re coping with it and how, despite everything, you seemed to have grown into a kind, smart, resourceful, (a lot of other positive adjectives), woman who is working hard at resolving the issues and becoming a happier person!

 

(my post will jump from place to place, I’m reading all your posts from the past days and I have a lot on my plate right now so I can’t really organise my thoughts very coherently:) I will also try not to project my family experience into your situation... If i do, I’m sorry.)

 

I understand what you mean with saying that you feel like you’re in a hole and that your inner and outer world is falling apart. It’s tough, I know, but it’s a “normal” part of the healing process... At least that’s what has happened to me when I started to be honest with myself about what my parents did to me etc.. Up to that point, I let my defense mechanisms keep me more or less “surviving” (like you said, you were a survivor up to now) and being able to function normally on the outside, but when I started to be honest with my self and realise that the people who should have cared the most about me and whom I should have trusted the most, were the people who hurt me and screwed me up the most, it really shook me up more than words can explain. So now you’re in a way having to “break down” the bad bricks given by your parents and having to rebuild yourself using new, healthy bricks, and that’s really hard, but as the process goes along, you will start to feel better!

 

It’s very good that you have people around you that can help you, and I’m glad so many of us here are trying to do our best to help you as well...

 

I’ll try to go in order of your posts now.

 

I think having less contact (like you mentioned) and setting strong boundaries is a really good and crucial thing. As described in that book Toxic parents (I'm glad you're reading the books you've mentioned), it's up to you to set the boundaries and rules about the contact between you and your family, and if your parents aren't willing to adhere to them, it might be better in the long term to reduce contact even further or stop it... As sad as that may be, in the long run is better for you than to be exposed to bad things from them for the rest of your life.

 

I know how tough family gatherings can be and how hard it is to not conform to it and just not go, so I was really happy to hear that you've been standing up for yourself and not going, and I hope that this party that you now went to will be a strong reminder of why you shouldn't go if you don't feel like it. "Not being allowed to not come" seems (from where i'm sitting and from my experience with my family:D) just like another example of emotional blackmail, attempts at manipulating others and "keeping up appearances" and lots of other bad things that is going on in your family...., so I'm glad you're standing up for yourself...

 

You mentioned that your (half)siblings are also depressed after the meetings. Have you ever talked to them about this, or in general about how they feel? Perhaps they also are going through similar stuff as you are?

 

---

 

What you said about repairing your relationship with your husband and realising that the root of many problems is in your families/parents -> I’m happy that you and your husband are both committed to working on your relationship, supporting each other and each working on the problems that you two have individually and as a couple.

 

And I can really understand what you mean by that -> I started going to counselling with my then girlfriends because of our issues, but very soon it turned out that a lot of our problems and our behaviour in the relationship stemmed from the baggage kindly given to us by our parents, and eventually the counsellor suggested that it might better if we both, besides couple’s therapy, attended individual counselling. And after the end of my relationship, I did that and it helped me realize a lot how my parents’ behaviour influenced me and thus my relationship(s).

 

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Regarding asking your mother for money. I think morally (I don’t know legally speaking...) speaking you’re fully entitled to have your parents help you in any way they can, including financially, to deal with the hurt they have caused you! It’s a good sign that you’re thinking about it! On the other hand, the fact that you’re doubting yourself by thinking this might “be mean”, is another sign of how they treated you. No, it’s in no way shape or form mean of you! On the contrary, they owe you more money, time, apologies, effort, love, kindness, care..., than you or them can currently imagine!

 

But how and when to ask them etc., is something to think about and discuss it with your husband, your counsellor and other people you trust. But be prepared for a negative reaction from your parents...

 

By bringing up counselling, money,... you are showing signs of independence, signs of being aware that they did something wrong, signs of trying to help yourself change, …, and all that makes them feel threatened, makes their “facade” and defense mechanism endangered, so they will fight to keep them standing...

 

Perhaps it would be better to firstly ask your father? Is he perhaps more open to the idea of therapy...? Is he more aware and willing to admit that they’ve treated you wrong?

 

----

 

This reminded me to say that I haven’t seen you write a lot about your father or your relationship with him... I don’t know what the situation is with you , but in my family, my dad was the “enabler” -> he took a back seat and let my mum run the show... And for a long time I thought “well, at least my dad is ok, i don’t have problems with him”, and it was a horrible feeling realising he let me down, that he didn’t protect me from my mum, and that he was just as bad as my mom, for “enabling” her to treat me the way she did, and that I learnt a lot of bad things (behavioural patterns etc.) from him. In time, it will be important to ask yourself what are your feelings and relationship with your dad...

 

------

 

Yes, I also have self-esteem issues, both when I’m alone and with someone. When I’m alone, it’s easier for me to tell myself that I’m kind, smart,..., but when I’m interacting with others, the doubts get stronger, and I have a hard time believing it and their compliments... In a way, I always feel like I have to constanly prove myself, to always try to show them how “funny”, “interesting”,..., “worthy” I am, and yet at the same I’m constantly afraid that at any moment they’ll just throw me away, and I’m always thinking “are they honest with me etc.”.

 

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As for her secret, I can’t believe it... I’m so angry... I really don’t know how to approach this, I’m sorry... Especially because, if I understand correctly, your father already know about another affair and he’s still with your mother... I really don’t know. I think it’s inexcusable for a mother to threaten her daughter with never seeing her again! And even worse if she’s manipulating and blackmailing you to cover sth so horrible that she has done... My advice is to talk to the people you trust and then decide...

 

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To answer your question, at the moment I’m unfortunatley living with my parents, which makes it harder. I lived on my own for two years (also went abroad to study for some time), but after coming back due to my health issues, I can’t really go on my own... So when I get healthier (physically at least:D), I’ll be moving out. I remember when I moved out for the first time, I think I only talked to my parents perhaps 3 times in the first 2 months, I needed so much space from them... And in that time, I talked to them only as much as I wanted, and if they started to try to offload their issues on to me again, I told them “you’re doing it again, I’ll talk to you later when you will stop” and went back to my place/ended the phone conversation. It was tough, but my sanity was number one.

 

I think the hardest part is to persuade yourself that you’re more important to yourself than your parents, and that making yourself happy is more important than making them happy. After that, as hard as it is, as long as you’re reminding yourself of this, it got easier for me...

 

So at the moment, with everything going on, it’s a bit hard (especially living under the same roof), but i think I’m making progress. They say they’re sorry for what they’ve done, but... This week I finally told them that they individually and we as a family have to get professional help. I’ve mentioned that idea before and never got through to them, but this time I persevered and told them that I’m giving them one more chance to help me, and perhaps with time resolve some of our issues and become a more functional family. I think that they will perhaps have second thoughts and their defense mechanisms will gear up again when the appointments approach, but I won’t back down. I also got them the two books and told them to start reading if they really want to make amends and talk to me about what how I feel. I don’t know, some days I feel better, some days I feel worse.

 

---

 

It’s seems like a great idea, the place you mentioned for going away, I hope the doctor will agree and that you won’t have to wait for too long! I’m glad you live in Scandinavia, where the health system is as good as it gets...

 

Best wishes:)

[LeGenDary_Man]

Thank you very much for your post! You're right that I need to build a protective shield around me!

And I've lent some books from the library to help me in this process.

As I wrote to Radu, I've falling into this deep hole right now...and everything seems to be a challenge... For the first time in my life I'm trying to allow myself to feel just the way I feel.

My husband and I are talking openly about all this. I'll have to see if he can bear this... If I had the money I'd find a place to stay on my own for a while. It's such a tough challenge for our relationship and I think it's also very challenging when we have his daughter 5 days every 9 days, although he says that it doesn't matter and that she'll understand that I'm a bit sad at the moment... I just feel like staying in bed by myself and reading all day long...

Not recommended.

 

Your objective should be to FIX your marriage; not experiment with separation.

 

Can Separation Help A Marriage? | Marriage Counseling By MarriageMax.com

 

Marriage Counseling - Free Advice from Marriage Counselors, Marriage Therapy

 

Don't let your mother negatively influence your relationship because she is unfortunately not a good role-model for you; you should limit your contact with her for your own good. This is the protective shield that you need.

Edited April 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Nyla]

I understand how low self esteem can lead to challenges such as self injury or being promiscuous. I have been there but I worked out most of those issues in therapy, before I was 25. It was a long journey.

 

I have much sympathy for how damaging a messed up mother can be. I am only civil to my mother. We see each other once a month and when we talk on the phone, it is only about subjects which are not personal. She wants the two of us to be best friends, but I need to protect myself emotionally. La Mere's guilt is not my problem and I don't need her drama in my life.

 

As a adult, you alone have control over how you handle your problems.

Self injury only adds another hurdle for you to jump over. You are a wife and a stepmother now. Your self harm and depression negatively impacts your marriage and your relationship with your stepchild. I'm sure your husband does not want his child around those things either. It is okay to have issues from an abusive mom...but it is your fault if you choose to stay the same because of those problems.

 

Keep working on yourself and your marriage. Don't let your mom steal your obvious light and love. It would be a real shame. Your LS buddies are all rooting for you.

[BetheButterfly]

Hi!

I'm new to the forums and so glad I found this place. I hope somebody can help me here.

I'm a 27 year old woman, married for 5 years, have a step daughter (11)...

 

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She's always had such a hard time accepting who I am. If it isn't my spirituality she has a problem with, it is that I interpret dreams, am a vegetarian, married a man from a completely different culture and religion, my make-up, my clothes, my taste in music, my enthusiam about health and eating well, my poetry, my taste in movies, that I think therapy is a great tool for self growth, my beliefs etc.

This might sound normal, I don't know, but at least she is always leaving me with a feeling that I'm not good enough in her eyes. I know she's an extremely depressed woman and that she deeply regrets her life and is unhappy about her marriage to my dad... So I can understand why she's so weird and negative, but I can't take it anymore. My lack of self worth has led me to cutting myself occasionally, hating myself, wanting to(!) prostitute myself, starve myself and it has such a negative effect on my marriage! I have such a hard time finding a healthy balance between being myself in my marriage and doing my own thing and being intimate etc. and I know my anger and frustration is rooted in my relationship with my mom. I've told her off many times, but always returned back to the same old pattern where I pretend to like her and pick up the phone when she calls etc.

My marriage is so close to falling apart, but we are trying to repair it - and ourselves - through couple's therapy, we just can't afford it more than twice a month so it's a slow process.

 

I'm very angry with my mother... I can partly forgive that she hasn't been able to be a good mother because of her own struggles, but a few years back she did something really stupid and mean:

She told me that she'd been in love and romantically involved with another man when I experienced my first love and relationship (at the age of 16) - partly blaming it on me! Seriously.

She then angrily threatened me and said that if I EVER tell my dad about that she would NEVER see me again ever... Of course that might sound like a great idea, but I hate to be living with this secret/burden! I know she's recently had another romantic relationship - which my dad told me....... - and it makes me furious because she doesn't have the strength to leave him or get professional help! She's just destroying her and other people's lives (especially my dad's at the moment)! :-(

 

Oh dear.

So my question to you guys is: What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I feel like telling her how angry it makes me that she burdened me with that secret! But I'm also afraid of doing that because it would shake up everything around me again and at the moment I feel so fragile and depressed myself... And I don't know if that would be enough for me to tell her that, to feel that my power has been restored...

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

I am sorry about your Mom. I do not understand why some Moms don't love and encourage their children; I don't understand why they bring their children down instead of lifting them up and filling their lives with fun and joy!

 

Well, I guess there is one reason why some Moms are like that: some hurt people do tend to hurt people, even their own children. Has your Mom been hurt in her life, and she has not healed? I agree with Todreaminblue that it's important to forgive. I also think it's really important to have boundaries.

 

The boundaries include requiring respect for yourself and the consequence of limited interaction with those who do not respect you. I don't agree with 100% cutting your Mom off, but I do believe it's really important to make your boundaries, kindly yet very firmly let your Mom know those boundaries, as well as the consequences of breaking those boundaries.

 

A few examples of boundaries and consequences could be the following:

 

1. No insults. Consequence for your Mom insulting you or your husband is that you will not answer the phone or visit her until she apologizes and strives to not repeat the offense.

 

2. No meddling in your marriage, as well as no negative comments concerning your husband. Consequences... see the above.

 

There's nothing wrong with having boundaries and expecting people to respect those boundaries. It is really important to be firm and consistent. If you make a list of boundaries and then tell them and the consequences to your Mom, it's important to follow through with them.

 

If your Mom ridicules your boundaries and consequences, make sure to do the consequence and before hanging up the phone or going, make sure she knows that she has crossed a boundary and the consequence is ... and the only way for that consequence to be lifted is for her to apologize and strive not to cross that boundary again.

 

it's sad that it seems like you need to be the parent in this case. I remember when I was a kid, I had boundaries and consequences... like if I was mean to my sisters (which crossed the boundary/rule), my consequence (punishment) was no going to friend's houses or TV for the rest of the day or another day. That was not fun! I couldn't even apologize and have the consequence lifted... it was written "in stone."

 

I learned though not to be mean to my sisters... also Love is a great teacher too, but boundaries and consequences due show that people can't get away with not Loving.