When your husband doesn't trust you?

[EmilyR]

My husband and I have been together 3yrs, Married for two of them. He is a cop that works long hours. I feel like he doesn't trust me around other men and even watches as I talk to a bartender then quizzes me on what we were talking about, This happened the other night when we went to a friends party he got really paranoid when he thought the guy was flirting with me & even started blaming me for flirting back which is a lie, The guy was complimenting me at the bar while with my friend and when the guy said something funny I couldn't help but laugh, I told him I was married & then walked back to my husband, This started an argument, Which continued when we got home, Things got so headed that he smashed the bathroom mirror then left & slept at a friends places, We still haven't cleared the tension between us since, Our relationship can be very volatile.

 

For the last 2 nights when I got home from work, I came home to a house full of his friends, drinking & a messy home, He knows that drives me crazy and agreed when we moved in together not to do it so im sure he's doing it to get a reaction out of me & Im trying hard to not give in, But when I came home I was so pissed off that he kept staring at me with a smirk on his face, Honestly I wanted to trow a bottle at him, He really peeved me off, Needless to say he slept on the couch both nights! Yesterday he kept doing little things that he again he knows annoy me then laughs when I got angry with him then he started to kiss me and It lead to is having sex. When I ask him if he trusts me, He blanks me or tries to distract me from the question, He never answers me and its driving me crazy! I know it might sound like a stupid problem to have but it bugs me with how we both handle conflict, Any advice?

[TigerCub]

Your husband sounds like a controlling and abusive *******!

 

was he always like that with his jealousy and control issues?

If so, why would you marry someone like that?

 

I hate the smashing the mirror in anger because of a fight. Although he didn't hit you, it comes off as very aggressive and abusive. I wouldn't want to be with someone that can't control their anger.

 

You worrying about if he trust you or not is NOT a stupid worry.

But honestly, I believe that with someone like him, you have much bigger fish to fry.

[jellyco]

I feel like he doesn't trust me around other men and even watches as I talk to a bartender then quizzes me on what we were talking about, This happened the other night when we went to a friends party he got really paranoid when he thought the guy was flirting with me & even started blaming me for flirting back which is a lie, The guy was complimenting me at the bar while with my friend and when the guy said something funny I couldn't help but laugh, I told him I was married & then walked back to my husband, This started an argument, Which continued when we got home, Things got so headed that he smashed the bathroom mirror then left & slept at a friends places, We still haven't cleared the tension between us since, Our relationship can be very volatile.

 

When I ask him if he trusts me, He blanks me or tries to distract me from the question, He never answers me and its driving me crazy! I know it might sound like a stupid problem to have but it bugs me with how we both handle conflict, Any advice?

 

There are a few serious red flags here. First and foremost is your husband's jealousy. It is NOT acceptable for him to get so jealous in an innocuous situation like talking to another man who happened to compliment you (that he blamed YOU for, by the way) that he smashed a bathroom mirror in anger. He is in serious need of help because this will not get better, it will only get WORSE. Continue on this trajectory and he will look for more and more things to get jealous about even if you restrict yourself more and more. This is no way to live.

 

He doesn't trust you. He can't bring himself to say so. Based on what you've written, you've done nothing wrong. The problem is his. My advice to you is to consult your local women's health services clinic and have them refer you to people you can talk to. I get the sinking feeling that he may have more violent tendencies in store. Good luck.

[CC12]

I know it might sound like a stupid problem to have

 

His lack of trust in you is actually a really big problem. So is almost everything else you mentioned.

 

I know you didn't really ask about this, but I want to let you know that it's not normal for him to be so distrustful and jealous that your simply laughing at a bartender's joke brings on an argument that results in him smashing things and tension for days. That's not normal at all and it's not okay.

 

As far as how to better handle conflicts with him? It's very difficult to deal with someone with such irrational jealousy and anger issues. It's basically impossible. You can't reason with unreasonable people. So frankly my suggestion would be to start looking for ways to leave him. If you don't want to do that yet, then you should both be in counseling, together and individually.

[EmilyR]

Thanks everyone who has answered me so far, Im taking all this advice on board!

[pteromom]

Everyone I have ever known who was very jealous and concerned about their partner talking to the opposite sex were cheaters.

 

It is human nature to assume other people think like we do. So since *he* talks to a woman with an intention of sleeping with her or flirting with her or maybe even thinking about her when he masturbates, he assumes *you* feel the same way about men, and that makes him jealous.

 

Just something to consider.

 

As far as the mirror and your "volatile" relationship - YIKES.

 

And as far as him "smirking" when he got one over on you, this tells me he is firmly a "reality one" kind of person. I quote this a lot on here because I find it very true. If he is a "reality one" person, you will NEVER have a "reality two" relationship based on mutuality and respect.

 

In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

 

 

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

 

 

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence. In real life, relationships span a continuum between the extremes of Reality 1 and Reality 2.