Trust Issues.......am I overreacting

[t866]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Just recently we decided to get our own place, his own apartment and my own apartment but we are still together. In the past he has done things with a certain guy friend of his that I can't stand, going out, partying, drinking, etc. Well today he calls this "friend" cause he needed help with a job. I was very upset that he is contacting this friend that has influenced my bf in so many ways. I then said to myself "fine their just going to work together and that's it", now my bf calls me they got off of work around 1:00pm. He said that his friend is going to take him to his brother's house so he can visit with his brother; while his friend hangs out too. Now I feel so insecure, I feel like they are going to go party and drink. Everytime I ask my bf making sure he's not going to do anything bad, he get's defensive and says to trust him that he's not doing anything he shouldn't. Not to mention my bf is an alcoholic and was sober for 3 years, when this so called "friend" invited my bf to hang out. My bf got drunk as hell and didn't come home one night. Now you know why I hate this friend, who does not respect our relationship or my bf's sobriety.

 

My mind is going in a million different directions, is he lying? are they going to go party? Once again all these frustrations are coming back. Do I trust him and let it go? I called my bf and kept insisting him not to do anything wrong. I now feel his frustration with me because I'm asking a ton of questions. I did trust my bf 100% and never thought he would do anything to hurt me, until the one incident when he didn't come home that one night, now all my trust is gone. Am I over-reacting? It hurts me so much. I want to be able to trust my bf again, but I got hurt so bad that I'm very insecure and I always want to know what he's doing and with whom. Major trust issues. Let it go or go-off?

[ltomlinson81]

It sounds like you need to loosen up a little. Your boyfriend needs his own life and friends. You can't put a choke-hold on him. He will never respond well to that.

[Girlie]

If your BF is a recovering alcoholic who's started drinking again, then no, you are not overreacting if you are concerned. I would be livid.

That being said, he is a grown man, and you can't make his decisions for him. Let it be known that you are concerned about him being out with this friend, because of the fact that he got drunk and shouldn't be drinking. After that, there's not a lot you can do other than decide if you want to be involved in this further or not.

Good luck.

[emra]

People all make their own choices. This friend of his did NOT force him to drink. He choose to do that on his own.

I understand that you are upset because he was sober for 3 years and then this person came along and he started drinking again. In all honesty, he obviously had his mind set. If it wasn't that friend, it would have been someone else or something else. You need to read up on alcoholism. He had some reasoning to it and you can't put the blame onto someone else and decide that if this friend hadn't come along it never would have happened. Because, it would have, it was just a matter of time. Someone doesn't just decide in a days time, hey I am going to go back to that life style, He has been thinking about it.

I am a recovering drug addict. I can not place the blame for anything I have chosen to do on anyone but myself.

It always makes it easier to try to say if it wasn't for this person this or that. Instead of trying to find the real problem.

If I were you, I would talk to him, tell him your concerns and try to see what his trigger was for starting again.

If you stay in this relationship and he continues to drink. I would suggest that you get into the support group AL-Anon. It is an awesome support group.

The more you push him on this, the more he is going to push away from you. Take care of yourself.

You need to decide what is best for you.

[t866]

Thank-you so much girlie and emra. Emra, I don't blame his friends for his drinking again. But I think peer pressure played a role (i.e. "one drink won't hurt"). This so-called friend is not a true friend. If he was, he would respect his relationship and his decision to stay sober. I have been through hell supporting my bf and his alcoholism. These friends weren't there when he stayed sober nor through the bad times. He is again trying to stay clean, and has come face-to-face with the bad decision he made. My issue here now is trust, it's hard for me to be okay with him hanging out with this one friend. I don't have a problem with him hanging out with friends, it's just certain ones(ha!). He(my bf) broke my trust and if he wants to be with me he has to deal with the repercussions. It's not that easy to be okay with this, so yeah I'm gonna ask 20 questions and want to get the facts straight. It's going to take some time for me to trust him again and I don't know if he realize's that. He thinks forgive and forget, I can't do that. I forgave but I can't forget that easily.

 

I feel if it was so easy for him to drink, what's to say it's not going to happen again. You're right it was his choice to drink no one else. It's just hard when you love someone so much and you don't want to deal with this drama. My issue here is trusting him, do I put my heart out there and trust. Until (god forbid) it happens. The way I see it, happens once shame on you happens twice shame on me. But sometimes it's easier said then done. Thank-you for everyone's advice. I'm really torn, and don't know what's true and what's not!!!!!!

[Girlie]

It definitely was his choice to drink. But I understand your concern with regard to his friend. Back when I helped out with prison ministries, one of the things we were always told was that if they get out and just go back to the same friends and acquaintances they were getting into trouble with....guess what? They'll get back into trouble. Changing involves not just changes to the person on the inside, but making changes in your lifestyle too, including getting rid of bad influences. There again though, it is HIS choice who he hangs out with. Make sure you've explained why it is that you're not keen on this particular friend and what your concerns are. Unfortunately, there is little else you can do.

[emra]

I would be torn too, dear. Just as anyone that is involved in this type of a relationship is. I hurt a lot of people. All the lies, all the not coming homes, the my friends are more important. At the time, I thought they were. It was attention I sometimes think I was seeking.

Anyone you use with or drink with, are NOT real friends, they can say they are all they want, but like you said, when it came down to him not drinking, non of them came around. That's always how you find out who your real friends are. And, I know this is hard for you, but I will tell you. When you think you have all these friends and then bam they are gone. You are lonely. Yes, I understand you are there for him 100%. At times, I want to call all my old using buddies. And it takes a lot of will power for me not too. But trying to comprehend it in your head that these people were your friends, even if it was for the wrong reasons and then all of a sudden they are gone. It is a hard thing to understand. You go thru some really personal things with these people and then its over..

Alcoholism and Drug addicts are very lonely people when it comes right down to it, trying to fill something, that for some reason can't get filled with something other then the addiction. Until you can figure other things out. It may sound stupid. or to some an excuse. I will be clean now for a year. And everyday, I have worked my butt off to be where I am now.

It comes down to this, you need to ask him if he is ready to CHANGE HIS PLAYMATES AND HIS PLAYGROUND. That is the only way it can be done.

If it is taking a lot out of you, and you don't feel like you can do this, you need to let go. It is a hurtful path, one that like I said on another post, the ones sitting at home away from it are usually the silent suffers, the one's that suffer the most at times.

From where I stand, I don't believe there can be trust for an alcoholic or addict.

If you stay, you need to get some support for you to try to figure how to cope with this and those people at that meeting, they are wonderful! And great support and they let you look at you and how to take care of you.

BE CAREFUL IF YOU STAY.... I know it is hard to break away. I would never say do that. You are right to question him. It shows you care. JUST LOOK OUT FOR YOU!!! Make sure you come first.

[t866]

Thank-you sooo sooo much Girlie and Emra. Your words are comforting. Emra, to you stay strong it's a day by day battle. I can only trust so much right now. We shall see what happens tonight when I get home from work. I'll let you know how it turns out.