Emotional cheating- will it stop?

[hawkgirl24]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months. He has always been so attentive, and the best boyfriend I could ask for. I never suspected that he would cheat on me, or talk to other girls. He is naturally a very nice person, but that, at times, can come off as flirtatious.

Within the past couple of months, he has been doing some things that I do not approve of. The first offense was when I was out of town. This happened almost two months after we got together. He was out with some mutual friends, and ran into a woman he used to work with. They shared a cab going home, because she lives close to him. On the way home, she suddenly leaned over and kissed him. He confessed this to me the next day, and said nothing else happened, and that it was all her. I believed him, especially after he had no qualms about telling me. (He also talked to his mom about it because he was so upset it happened).

The next offense happened 3 months ago. He has always told me about his "crazy ex", and how completely psychotic she was. They broke up a few years ago, and they hadn't really talked since. I caught him texting her, and calling her "babe", and saying "don't be a stranger". I was obviously upset with him, and we talked about it, and he said it wouldn't happen again.

The next offense was approximately a month ago. He left his phone by me, and I noticed an incoming text from an unsaved number. I decided to look at the conversation, and I realized he was talking to a girl that ALWAYS flirts with him on various social network sites. He knows that I have a problem with her, and that made it worse. He wasn't saying anything terrible, just a various "how is someone like YOU single", and saying he was jealous of her life. After seeing this, I decided to look through his facebook messages. I found more, this time with a coworker that is known for having a crush on him. She lives in his same building, and he was sending her messages at 3 in the morning saying he wanted to hang out, and that he missed seeing her. Sometimes, he would send these when I was with him! This caused us to have a fight and discussion, that ended with him crying, saying he would never do it again.

Cut to a week later. We were doing fine, and he was treating me so well. I, for some reason, just wanted to check his facebook to make sure he was being honest. Well, he wasn't. He messaged the same girl, with the same type of messages. I told him I was done, and that I wouldn't stand for this. He was freaking out on me, saying I was immature for checking his messages (understandable). I left, but we ended up talking it through, and I really felt like I saw a change in him.

Today, I know he has not been talking to the woman from work, but I am still so nervous and scared that he's talking to other women. He likes the attention, because before me, he was single for two years. I don't know what to do to calm down about it. I don't know if I should talk to him about it, because I don't have any proof that he is doing anything wrong right now. What makes it harder is that we live about an hour away, and we only see each other on the weekends. I'm so worried that when I'm not with him, he'll be texting and messaging other girls. He has been so wonderful recently, and has been treating me so well. Should I just try and stop thinking about it, hoping that I will stop worrying about it, or should I bring up my feelings to him? I'm just afraid that that will drive him to emotionally cheat again. (PS- he has never physically cheated. Just talked to other women in a way that I am absolutely not comfortable with.)

[ChessPieceFace]

I really felt like I saw a change in him.

 

If your cheating boyfriend actually changes, it would be extremely atypical.

 

Should I just try and stop thinking about it, hoping that I will stop worrying about it, or should I bring up my feelings to him?

 

Neither. You should look at his phone secretly again, because it's the only way you will know.

 

This kind of justified mistrust is why I wouldn't tolerate cheating in the first place.

[RebelWithoutACause]

You'll be twisting youself into a pretzel trying to keep track of who he's flirting with/messaging/riding in a taxi with, etc., that particular week. It's pretty yucky what he's doing, even if he's not actually sleeping with any of these women, which, btw, will be the natural progression of this type of behavior. You should get rid of him pronto.

[TaraMaiden]

You talk about 'offences' like it was a serious crime.

 

It's not - but face it - your guy is a bit of a wanderer.... He's not cut out for solitary confinement and single-person fidelity.

Some PEOPLE are, some PEOPLE aren't - it works both ways....

 

You need to understand that this is the way it is.

He is - the way he is.

 

Now, the fact that he has put himself into a relationship where his partner, - that is, you - requires exclusivity and fidelity - shows that he's a bit of an idiot.

He's being very unfair, and tactless, and yes, he's emotionally cheating.

 

So really, how this plays out, is up to you.

 

You're asking him to behave in a way, and conform to what you expect, but what he, for some reason, cannot adhere to.

 

You need to have a straight talk with him:

 

Is this something he cannot help himself doing?

Is he the kind of person who cannot commit to just one "Heart Inhabitant"...?

 

What he's doing is wrong. It's messing with you, and disrespecting your emotional part in this. It's grossly unfair and very hurtful.

 

But maybe he's just not cut out for a one-to-one...

 

And that, is what you have to establish.

[Darren Steez]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months. He has always been so attentive, and the best boyfriend I could ask for. I never suspected that he would cheat on me, or talk to other girls. He is naturally a very nice person, but that, at times, can come off as flirtatious.

Within the past couple of months, he has been doing some things that I do not approve of. The first offense was when I was out of town. This happened almost two months after we got together. He was out with some mutual friends, and ran into a woman he used to work with. They shared a cab going home, because she lives close to him. On the way home, she suddenly leaned over and kissed him. He confessed this to me the next day, and said nothing else happened, and that it was all her. I believed him, especially after he had no qualms about telling me. (He also talked to his mom about it because he was so upset it happened).

The next offense happened 3 months ago. He has always told me about his "crazy ex", and how completely psychotic she was. They broke up a few years ago, and they hadn't really talked since. I caught him texting her, and calling her "babe", and saying "don't be a stranger". I was obviously upset with him, and we talked about it, and he said it wouldn't happen again.

The next offense was approximately a month ago. He left his phone by me, and I noticed an incoming text from an unsaved number. I decided to look at the conversation, and I realized he was talking to a girl that ALWAYS flirts with him on various social network sites. He knows that I have a problem with her, and that made it worse. He wasn't saying anything terrible, just a various "how is someone like YOU single", and saying he was jealous of her life. After seeing this, I decided to look through his facebook messages. I found more, this time with a coworker that is known for having a crush on him. She lives in his same building, and he was sending her messages at 3 in the morning saying he wanted to hang out, and that he missed seeing her. Sometimes, he would send these when I was with him! This caused us to have a fight and discussion, that ended with him crying, saying he would never do it again.

Cut to a week later. We were doing fine, and he was treating me so well. I, for some reason, just wanted to check his facebook to make sure he was being honest. Well, he wasn't. He messaged the same girl, with the same type of messages. I told him I was done, and that I wouldn't stand for this. He was freaking out on me, saying I was immature for checking his messages (understandable). I left, but we ended up talking it through, and I really felt like I saw a change in him.

Today, I know he has not been talking to the woman from work, but I am still so nervous and scared that he's talking to other women. He likes the attention, because before me, he was single for two years. I don't know what to do to calm down about it. I don't know if I should talk to him about it, because I don't have any proof that he is doing anything wrong right now. What makes it harder is that we live about an hour away, and we only see each other on the weekends. I'm so worried that when I'm not with him, he'll be texting and messaging other girls. He has been so wonderful recently, and has been treating me so well. Should I just try and stop thinking about it, hoping that I will stop worrying about it, or should I bring up my feelings to him? I'm just afraid that that will drive him to emotionally cheat again. (PS- he has never physically cheated. Just talked to other women in a way that I am absolutely not comfortable with.)

 

What a nonsense, that's like me being caught by my girlfriend banging another woman in our bed and accusing her of not having the decency to call me to tell me she was coming home early.

 

This guy is chatting to other women, you're not comfortable with it, yet he still does it..and no he hasn't stopped, he'll just email from work and not communicate through his phone because you already caught him once.

 

It's almost like you've been brainwashed/abused. I don't want to bring up my feeling because I'm afraid it will drive him to it. He treats you "wonderfully", yet at the same time disrespects you. It is sort of like an abusive spouse, the wife wants to keep him happy just to keep on his good side, she almost lives in a state of bliss, just to keep things "good"

 

He obviously has some issues to deal with, be it attention seeking or whatever..which I don't personally buy. Things are very simple. You're with someone you simply don't flirt inappropriately or do anything that makes your significant other uncomfortable. The rest is BS. Pick any excuse you want, if you're with someone, you're with someone, respect them in kind!

[silvermercy]

How many more red flags before you dump him for good? Not only he's a cheater (yes, that's cheating), he's a serial cheater! It doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional, it's still cheating! I'd be so offended by just ONE of these occasions and call it a day, not after a myriad of them like he has now. Why are you putting up with this?

I LOLed at the nerve of him to shift the blame on you for looking at his messages...

 

In your place I would also question how certain you are about non-physical cheating since you only see him weekends. Cheaters can cheat without the slightest suspicion from their long-term partners even if they are at work at 9 and back at home at 5. Their partners on many occasions didn't have the tiniest suspicion until they caught them. On the other hand you have plenty of text evidence and long periods of not seeing him.

 

(I wouldn't even believe his cab version of the story. So she suddenly leaned and kissed him? No signs of invitation from him? Yeah right... I have a bridge to sell if anyone wants. Maybe someone saw them together or she threatened him to tell you and that's why he "confessed" the following day. Yeap, cheaters can look very upset and remorseful. Besides... it wasn't an isolated incident when it comes to his future dubious behaviour...)

 

Please don't fall victim to his tears and frustration. Look around the web, that's what most cheaters do after they get caught. Very typical of him.

 

Him being wonderful lately can easily be out of guilt. Also very typical of cheaters, look up other threads.

 

If you need more proof (I wouldn't really) and have money to spare invest in a good Voice Activated Recorder and put it in his car. That's how many cheaters have been caught.

 

Stay with him if you want to wonder what he's doing for the rest of your life (or until you catch him red-handed in the act).

Edited February 18, 2013 by silvermercy

[Akeron]

I'm not really sure why the OP's upset about this.

 

Basically, all the other women in the world are saying they're jealous and she has a good catch.

 

She should be taking pride in what she's found, not spiting it for others' lack of inhibition.

[ScienceGal]

^disagree

 

My ex was constantly talking to other women in an inappropriate way. It ruined our relationship. I never built real trust, and he grew frustrated and continuously lied to me.

 

Bottom line, know what your deal breakers are and don't compromise. Understand that his behavior will NOT change. If you want someone who is going to be true to you, then you need to leave him. Emotional cheating is still cheating.

 

Good luck.

[anna121]

The problem is that he has no real incentive to change, because you keep taking him back.

 

He has to want you more than the flirting, AND feel that there's a real risk of loss, before he will do things differently.

 

I agree with Tara that you and he just aren't on the same page right now, and no amount of cajoling or wheedling from you will change that...especially so long as you continue to be there for him.