exMM wants to meet our daughter

[snowflakes88]

Unless you are interested in restarting the A, there is absolutely, positively no reason to meet with him alone. None. At all. I think you know that.

[Pierre]

I haven't read it entirely because it is like a gazillion pages long and I really don't have time to go through it. I mean, I got the gist and of course I don't want it to be that way. He is not my boyfriend, will never be my boyfriend and there are no romantic feelings complicating this for me. So there is really no reason for me to be willing to subject my daughter to being his secret.

I mean, I know why he didn't tell his wife, I don't need to be a genius to figure it out. He's a chicken.

But I do also want to see with him what his plans are regarding that and whether it is actually worth it to go through anything.

 

 

 

My parents don't know, I haven't told them. My dad would we livid if he so much as heard his name and I don't want to start drama when I'm still figuring it out.

 

The thing is, I didn't give up my daughter for adoption. I'm her mother, I'm the one parenting and I'm the one raising her and being around her every day so i really can't compare this situation. My daughter is growing up without a father - that was my choice when I decided to take on this responsibility and it's fine, she is a happy, thriving little girl and we have a great life together. But will she one day have questions? Definitely. And I am prepared for that. I just do not want to regret not trying enough for her.

 

 

 

I haven't answered because I don't know. See, there are many questions left blank and I want to know how he feels right now about his behavior.

 

 

 

 

I mean. I don't know what his true motives are. And I will never really know unless I see it out for myself.

You could be right and it does sound plausible but I just feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, guessing, assuming. It's just not good enough for me because I usually have control of my life ( certain past misjudgments excluded).

 

As I said, it could be the case, though I do believe he could just find somebody else in the town he lives now, but who the hell knows what is going on there in his head.

 

I hope people do understand that it is not easy to dismiss him as just a sperm donor. Because I did decide to meet up with him, I'm just not sure when or how to even take that step.

 

Do you want your daughter to have a secret unofficial relationship with her bio dad? Your daughter will have to be coached into lying about this secret relationship.

 

The only way your daughter can have a normal relationship with her dad is out in the open. And therefore, the wife needs to know. Otherwise, YOU are having a secret affair once again and this time you are involving your daughter.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

 

 

My parents don't know, I haven't told them. My dad would we livid if he so much as heard his name and I don't want to start drama when I'm still figuring it out.

 

The thing is, I didn't give up my daughter for adoption. I'm her mother, I'm the one parenting and I'm the one raising her and being around her every day so i really can't compare this situation. My daughter is growing up without a father - that was my choice when I decided to take on this responsibility and it's fine, she is a happy, thriving little girl and we have a great life together. But will she one day have questions? Definitely. And I am prepared for that. I just do not want to regret not trying enough.

 

Honey, there is a very good reason your father would be livid, I promise you. He doesn't want his child or grandchild hurt by someone he knows is a piece of trash and a user.

 

I meant If you had adopted your daughter through closed adoption. I think you've done a fine job with your daughter, BUT.... The fact that you even care to know what this scumbag is thinking shows that there is some desire to bring that drama back into your life. The fact that his wife doesn't know tells you exactly how he feels. This guy doesn't want to see her to help HER, every thing he does is about HIS needs, honey. We can see that because we aren't emotionally involved.

 

Now everyone here is telling you the same thing and that NEVER happens. Many of us are parents of kids your age, listen! She's not sitting around wondering where her daddy is, I promise you! Kids just want to be loved by the people they love.

[BetrayedH]

Now everyone here is telling you the same thing and that NEVER happens.

 

I don't think that's the case. There's a plethora of opinions here.

 

My personal opinion is that she has an obligation to her daughter to try really hard to see if it is possible to have a healthy relationship with her father. If that little girl's father is reaching out and trying to make a connection, the OP should thoroughly investigate the possibility before she makes a decision to deny her daughter that right.

 

Can she have pre-requisites? Absolutely. Where I think there is consensus is that there should be full disclosure on the part of the MM to his BW so that this relationship can be out in the open. She can also cut this off entirely if the MM tries to resume the A, has severe problems like drugs/alcohol, or some other true dealbreaker.

 

But if she's going to cut of the relationship entirely, she needs to have a damn good honest reason to give this young girl when she gets older about why she couldn't permit it to happen even when the father reached out.

[Pierre]

I don't think that's the case. There's a plethora of opinions here.

 

My personal opinion is that she has an obligation to her daughter to try really hard to see if it is possible to have a healthy relationship with her father. If that little girl's father is reaching out and trying to make a connection, the OP should thoroughly investigate the possibility before she makes a decision to deny her daughter that right.

 

Can she have pre-requisites? Absolutely. Where I think there is consensus is that there should be full disclosure on the part of the MM to his BW so that this relationship can be out in the open. She can also cut this off entirely if the MM tries to resume the A, has severe problems like drugs/alcohol, or some other true dealbreaker.

 

But if she's going to cut of the relationship entirely, she needs to have a damn good honest reason to give this young girl when she gets older about why she couldn't permit it to happen even when the father reached out.

 

An excellent post.

 

However, I can see cheating MM declining the idea to reveal the secret to his wife.

 

Then 20 years from now when the girl finally meets her dad---------- the MM will say he tried to see her but her mom did mom allow it.

 

The key here is that the BW must know his cheating H has a daughter. If cheating MM refuses the OP should notify the BW. That will insure legal legit access.

[BetrayedH]

An excellent post.

 

However, I can see cheating MM declining the idea to reveal the secret to his wife.

 

Then 20 years from now when the girl finally meets her dad---------- the MM will say he tried to see her but her mom did mom allow it.

 

The key here is that the BW must know his cheating H has a daughter. If cheating MM refuses the OP should notify the BW. That will insure legal legit access.

 

Can't say I disagree. The BW should know for a variety of reasons and this is just one more. Having a child in the crossfire is a compelling reason to stop covering up.

 

I'm curious about Noelle's POV on exposing to the BW. Even if the MM declines and sacrifices a relationship with his daughter to protect himself, the daughter still loses out because neither the MM or the OP had the courage to come clean. At some point, the interests of the BW and the daughter have to take precedence over hiding an illicit affair that produced a child. As usual, it's the ethical choice vs the selfish one. I hope Noelle makes the right choice or she's someday going to have to explain that hiding this affair from the BW was more important to the APs than the daughter's best interests (which would be to have a relationship with her father).

[Pierre]

I hope Noelle makes the right choice or she's someday going to have to explain that hiding this affair from the BW was more important to the APs than the daughter's best interests (which would be to have a relationship with her father).

 

 

The OP claims that her daughter is everything to her. So, if the daughter is everything then it would behoove the OP to make sure the daughter grows up knowing who her father is and perhaps getting to know her father.

 

 

If OP chooses to keep the affair a secret then the affair secrecy and loyalty to the exMM takes precedence over what is best for the daughter.

 

There is no other conclusion. If MM does not come clean -----and it is doubtful that he will then the OP has no choice but to reveal the affair.

[seren]

Noelle, I remember your story and all the painful posts you made at the time. I am glad it has worked out for you and you daughter. My son's father and I were married, then split up when our son was 4. He saw him for a few times then moved from the UK to USA to start a new life with a new family, leaving my lovely boy wondering just what he had done wrong. He would pop up from time to time and my son's hurt and feeling he had done something wrong as his Dad didn't want to see him just about broke my heart.

 

My H took on the role of Dad, my son gave him that role and he gladly accepted it and is a dammed good Dad. My son is now 28, his father popped up again this year and my son met him and said he didn't like his father, had nothing in common with him, but was glad he met him as it laid a ghost to rest. I also know that my son has trust issues that run deep and always felt not good enough because his father rejected him.

I always wanted his father to have contact, but on reflection I am glad he has had the love of my H and not had to endure the pop in, when it suited him kind of relationship he would have had with his father.

 

I know your situation is different and in an ideal world he would have regular visits, his wife would know and love you daughter and all of you could be adult and focus on the most important thing, your daughter's happiness. From what you shared previously, it doesn't sound as though that would be the case. Your daughter would be hidden from huge parts of his life and her family, if he keeps her existence a secret, I wouldn't wish that on any child.

Whatever you decide do for her, I know you will, not for him or you or anyone else, just for her. Forget the, this is the right thing for him, just on what is right for her and if you do decide to go the route of access, do it on your terms and if that means his wife has to know and meet you so you can all discuss what next, then make that a condition of access. I so wish you and your daughter all the very best.

[noelle303]

Unless you are interested in restarting the A, there is absolutely, positively no reason to meet with him alone. None. At all. I think you know that.

 

Not interested in the slightest.

 

Then Noelle let me summarize it for you. He had an affair for 5 years and has a child that his wife knows nothing about. He won't even allow his child to call him daddy in public. He and his OW have placed that child on the fringes of his life and she is living a lie from birth. You want that for your child? Until his wife knows...that is what she will get.

 

 

As I said several times, I am not gonna allow this to happen. My intentions are not to keep my daughter his secret, it goes against everything I stand for and the childhood I'm trying to provide for my daughter.

 

 

I don't think that's the case. There's a plethora of opinions here.

 

My personal opinion is that she has an obligation to her daughter to try really hard to see if it is possible to have a healthy relationship with her father. If that little girl's father is reaching out and trying to make a connection, the OP should thoroughly investigate the possibility before she makes a decision to deny her daughter that right.

 

Can she have pre-requisites? Absolutely. Where I think there is consensus is that there should be full disclosure on the part of the MM to his BW so that this relationship can be out in the open. She can also cut this off entirely if the MM tries to resume the A, has severe problems like drugs/alcohol, or some other true dealbreaker.

 

But if she's going to cut of the relationship entirely, she needs to have a damn good honest reason to give this young girl when she gets older about why she couldn't permit it to happen even when the father reached out.

 

I think the same way. I do have a responsibility to at least try and give it a shot. If it does not go the way I think it should go, if his plans involve inflicting any sort of pain on my child, I will not introduce him to her and she can go seek him out once she is older and able to make that choice. The two of us are doing very well on our own and we will continue to grow successfully.

 

The OP claims that her daughter is everything to her. So, if the daughter is everything then it would behoove the OP to make sure the daughter grows up knowing who her father is and perhaps getting to know her father.

 

 

If OP chooses to keep the affair a secret then the affair secrecy and loyalty to the exMM takes precedence over what is best for the daughter.

 

There is no other conclusion. If MM does not come clean -----and it is doubtful that he will then the OP has no choice but to reveal the affair.

 

Please, do not insinuate that I put my daughter second to anyone. She is everything to me. I can't make someone be a father. Can I make him pay child support? Yes. But can I make him be an active participant in her life and an involved, loving parent? No.

 

I will not be going to his wife. It is his marriage, his responsibility, he has a life with this woman and children and it's up to him to man up, take responsibility, grow a pair and tell her. That is the kind of parent I want for my daughter. Me tattle-telling is not part of my plan.

I mean....what, I tell his wife, it can cause unnecessary drama in my life and affect my daughter, it can make him become resentful, he can accept responsibility but grudgingly so...I don't want that.

 

If he is serious about this, wants to be a parent, wants to be a part of her life and put her first then he will be willing to tell her on his own, accept the consequences and deal with them. Any other way is not good enough for me.

[jwi71]

If he is serious about this, wants to be a parent, wants to be a part of her life and put her first then he will be willing to tell her on his own, accept the consequences and deal with them. Any other way is not good enough for me.

 

Perfect.

 

So, go and meet, lay out these conditions and see what happens.

 

I hope HE does do it. I think that's better for your daughter.

 

But if he doesn't...not having a father present isn't the end of the world either. She can still grow up and have a normal and healthy life.

 

I do think you need to think about what to tell her when she asks about daddy. Age appropriate truth, which you have previously said, and no lies.

 

I think your little girl is LUCKY to have a good and conscientious mom.

 

Keep us posted as events warrant