Strange problem that I can't figure out.

[Regist]

Hello!

 

I have a problem I'd like to figure out about my self-esteem..

 

When I was young I had very good self-esteem and was often the center of attention and people really liked me for who I was.

Now that I've grown older I have these weird doubts about myself and don't know how to act in different situations, earlier in life they came so naturally that I didn't even think about it.. I think high-school had something to do with "damaging" me because I reached puberty a lot later than others.. It wasn't like people judged me for that or anything, I still hung out with the same friends and met girls etc.. I just didn't even think about how I acted/talked to people but got a good response..

 

Now in later life (I turn 22 this year), I still have good self-esteem.. In a way..

When I talk to people my own age, especially girls and my friends I have NO PROBLEM being myself, that's not the problem.. Usually anyway! Because when I talk to new people (usually a few years older than me) I just can't be the normal-loud-funny-self that I'm among my friends, I try to act like the people I'm with and I come off as boring if that makes sense? Sometimes even rude it feels.. I get very quiet and all overly-nice often and have nothing to talk about, even though with my friends and people my age I can yap on forever (as long as I know them a little even, not many new people).. It's like I MUST GET APPROVED it feels.. Why is this?

 

And another question relevant to what I just wrote:

At work I'm very quiet and don't talk to people alot, what I hate about that is they are SO nice to me and really try to involve me, I'm just afraid to say witty comments and other stuff that I would talk about with my friends or people that I know a bit..

 

Advice pretty please?

 

(Hope what I wrote made sense.. English is not my mother-tounge )

[todreaminblue]

Hello!

 

I have a problem I'd like to figure out about my self-esteem..

 

When I was young I had very good self-esteem and was often the center of attention and people really liked me for who I was.

Now that I've grown older I have these weird doubts about myself and don't know how to act in different situations, earlier in life they came so naturally that I didn't even think about it.. I think high-school had something to do with "damaging" me because I reached puberty a lot later than others.. It wasn't like people judged me for that or anything, I still hung out with the same friends and met girls etc.. I just didn't even think about how I acted/talked to people but got a good response..

 

Now in later life (I turn 22 this year), I still have good self-esteem.. In a way..

When I talk to people my own age, especially girls and my friends I have NO PROBLEM being myself, that's not the problem.. Usually anyway! Because when I talk to new people (usually a few years older than me) I just can't be the normal-loud-funny-self that I'm among my friends, I try to act like the people I'm with and I come off as boring if that makes sense? Sometimes even rude it feels.. I get very quiet and all overly-nice often and have nothing to talk about, even though with my friends and people my age I can yap on forever (as long as I know them a little even, not many new people).. It's like I MUST GET APPROVED it feels.. Why is this?

 

And another question relevant to what I just wrote:

At work I'm very quiet and don't talk to people alot, what I hate about that is they are SO nice to me and really try to involve me, I'm just afraid to say witty comments and other stuff that I would talk about with my friends or people that I know a bit..

 

Advice pretty please?

 

(Hope what I wrote made sense.. English is not my mother-tounge )

 

 

self esteem can also be bluffed,i was regarded as having high self esteem because i knew what it was to hold in esteem qualities i have that are good...i was quiet, btu in that quietness and the fact i never really reacted outwardly to bullying or whatever .....kids at school fro some unknown reason to me thought i was, so self assured....i wasnt...i would stand up for others even if i felt i was going to pass out.......deb can do it was a common thing said...by my parents and my teachers....my parents were never aware i was bullied badly neither were most of the teachers a few were.....the ones i trusted

 

 

 

so i can bluff it when i need to.....everyoen has insecurities when you meet new people they dotn know yoru good qualities or for that matter the ones that arent so good ....to me, that causes insecurity....i have been out of social contact for many years that has caused issues with me trying to get back into it, i am getting better, opening up, when i feee insecure i become aloof and sit separately from everyone else its a defense thing, i am actually waiting for something to happen that is out of my control......what helps is the fact i do realize its not the fault of the people around me...so i have self awareness

 

this is fact....people need others to like them,people want others to like them , if someone says they dont need that, then....they are lying....people werent mean to be isolated ......thats why communities come to fore........i have always had people around me i have a large family...but i can be distant i get over stimulated and anxious aroudn peopel who arent calm....my family is like a tornado so yes ...i am often distant......i can relate to people but i have many insecurities the best you can do is hold them in check stay calm and allow yourself to take the tiem to feel comfortable......i have found lettign other people see exactly what you are feeling is demoralizing so i just dont do it......this is a work in progress.....

[aMguilts]

Hello!

 

I have a problem I'd like to figure out about my self-esteem..

 

When I was young I had very good self-esteem and was often the center of attention and people really liked me for who I was.

Now that I've grown older I have these weird doubts about myself and don't know how to act in different situations, earlier in life they came so naturally that I didn't even think about it.. I think high-school had something to do with "damaging" me because I reached puberty a lot later than others.. It wasn't like people judged me for that or anything, I still hung out with the same friends and met girls etc.. I just didn't even think about how I acted/talked to people but got a good response..

 

Now in later life (I turn 22 this year), I still have good self-esteem.. In a way..

When I talk to people my own age, especially girls and my friends I have NO PROBLEM being myself, that's not the problem.. Usually anyway! Because when I talk to new people (usually a few years older than me) I just can't be the normal-loud-funny-self that I'm among my friends, I try to act like the people I'm with and I come off as boring if that makes sense? Sometimes even rude it feels.. I get very quiet and all overly-nice often and have nothing to talk about, even though with my friends and people my age I can yap on forever (as long as I know them a little even, not many new people).. It's like I MUST GET APPROVED it feels.. Why is this?

 

And another question relevant to what I just wrote:

At work I'm very quiet and don't talk to people alot, what I hate about that is they are SO nice to me and really try to involve me, I'm just afraid to say witty comments and other stuff that I would talk about with my friends or people that I know a bit..

 

Advice pretty please?

 

(Hope what I wrote made sense.. English is not my mother-tounge )

 

hello

 

your 22

your still young

so your quiet at work?

 

 

you need to stop thinking about what other people think of you

Its work

They are being nice to you?

So just relax.

 

they aren`t being nasty are they?

I really cant remember where i saw this

and i`ll try to remember as much as i can from it

 

give 100% to what you are doing right now

if your at work? give 100%

if your with a friend? give them 100%

 

the list could go on

 

while your at work, you should be giving 100% to your work

 

 

i`ll try and find where i got this from

in the mean time.... remember this

 

whoever you talk to or ever meet, they will be just as insecure as you.

no one is perfect.

aM

[Regist]

self esteem can also be bluffed,i was regarded as having high self esteem because i knew what it was to hold in esteem qualities i have that are good...i was quiet, btu in that quietness and the fact i never really reacted outwardly to bullying or whatever .....kids at school fro some unknown reason to me thought i was, so self assured....i wasnt...i would stand up for others even if i felt i was going to pass out.......deb can do it was a common thing said...by my parents and my teachers....my parents were never aware i was bullied badly neither were most of the teachers a few were.....the ones i trusted

 

 

 

so i can bluff it when i need to.....everyoen has insecurities when you meet new people they dotn know yoru good qualities or for that matter the ones that arent so good ....to me, that causes insecurity....i have been out of social contact for many years that has caused issues with me trying to get back into it, i am getting better, opening up, when i feee insecure i become aloof and sit separately from everyone else its a defense thing, i am actually waiting for something to happen that is out of my control......what helps is the fact i do realize its not the fault of the people around me...so i have self awareness

 

this is fact....people need others to like them,people want others to like them , if someone says they dont need that, then....they are lying....people werent mean to be isolated ......thats why communities come to fore........i have always had people around me i have a large family...but i can be distant i get over stimulated and anxious aroudn peopel who arent calm....my family is like a tornado so yes ...i am often distant......i can relate to people but i have many insecurities the best you can do is hold them in check stay calm and allow yourself to take the tiem to feel comfortable......i have found lettign other people see exactly what you are feeling is demoralizing so i just dont do it......this is a work in progress.....

 

That really got me thinking and gave me a new perspective. Thanks!

[Regist]

hello

 

your 22

your still young

so your quiet at work?

 

 

you need to stop thinking about what other people think of you

Its work

They are being nice to you?

So just relax.

 

they aren`t being nasty are they?

I really cant remember where i saw this

and i`ll try to remember as much as i can from it

 

give 100% to what you are doing right now

if your at work? give 100%

if your with a friend? give them 100%

 

the list could go on

 

while your at work, you should be giving 100% to your work

 

 

i`ll try and find where i got this from

in the mean time.... remember this

 

whoever you talk to or ever meet, they will be just as insecure as you.

no one is perfect.

aM

 

Thank you for your answer.. No they are very nice to me indeed, the problem is I want to be nice back and don't have to feel like I'm faking it or even think about it if you know what I mean.. One of the reasons they are nice to me is because I do give 120% at work.. But I get this depressing feeling when someone's trying to have a nice "coffee-break conversation" with me and I just answer "yes" or "no" and I have no idea why (+ awkward silences).. If I was with a friend or someone I knew better I would talk/joke for the whole break.. And the issue here is that I will never get to know them if I keep doing what I'm doing.. Maybe I just suck at first interactions? :/

 

EDIT: I'd like to add that everytime I've tried to "not care" and just be myself it still feels like an act to myself.

Scenario: I sit in a room with a friend and talk like I always do.. Then someone I don't know enters the room and I get much more quiet OR I try to "act cool"

 

It kills me, because it's like I black-out and afterwards I'm like "why did I just do that?"

 

I guess what I'm really asking is: HOW do I "not care"? Because when I try to not care it still feels like I do care, because I think about not caring..

Edited February 18, 2013 by Regist

[aMguilts]

then your trying to be someone you`re not

 

your trying TOO hard

 

put it this way... do you freak out?.. are you argressive or obnoxious ?do you come out with `smart` inuendo?

[Regist]

then your trying to be someone you`re not

 

your trying TOO hard

 

put it this way... do you freak out?.. are you argressive or obnoxious ?do you come out with `smart` inuendo?

 

I am indeed trying too hard in those situations =/

 

It's like a switch from 'on' to 'off' everytime a new person is involved, I get this huge need of being accepted and considered nice, funny etc.. I just don't know WHY because it's like a spell *POOF* "new person"

 

I wouldn't call myself agressive or obnoxious since I always try to be as nice as possible to people.. I worry it comes off as fake or misunderstood (I worry it might come off as obnoxious actually because I'm usually confident but in those situations I might not be confident enough and I come off as weird, that's what I think anyway)..

 

The main question is WHY this happens =/ Because I have no idea why.. How do I work on it? How do I not care..

 

IF I get to know a person I have no problem interacting with them.. My problem just makes it hard to get to know people.

Edited February 18, 2013 by Regist