Am I being emotionally abused?

[TheVSilent]

I've been in an off and on struggle with a woman that I've been dating about 5 months. Recently she bailed on me saying she needed space, just exited my life as she pleased and came back a week later. We had a talk, she is very demanding and controlling, and if things do not go her way then she gets upset.

 

I really love this woman, but I am finding it harder to be around her because she just downs me, says I need to shave, need to get a hair cut, I dress weird, my friends are stupid, etc. I do nothing but support her and I ask her to just be there for me and every time she lets me down.

 

We had a long talk about not spending every day together and maybe this will be the cure, so I found some friends and started jamming in a band. It has only been a couple of weeks but she says that I think I am better than her now, which I never said anything about. I had plans to practice tonight and she asked me to come over for dinner, I told her I couldn't because I had prior plans and if she could move it to later this week. She said she would think about it, then I asked her about tomorrow and she said "I'm busy". It seems like everything I do makes her ill and if things don't go her way I am punished. She honestly can't be serious right? If she had plans I wouldn't want her to cancel them in the account of me.

 

She says she loves me, but that I am trying to force her in a more serious relationship. I don't understand, one minute she wants me to be there for her in her darkest moments and the next she could careless that I'm alive, yet I still go out on a limb for her. It just bums me out, I'm so confused.

[pteromom]

It sounds to me like she is INCREDIBLY unhappy with herself and is trying to bring you down too.

 

Honestly, just going by what you wrote, I don't think she is ready for a serious relationship.

 

As far as your original question, maybe you are being emotionally abused. But that isn't the question you should be asking. What you should be asking is whether this relationship works for you. Does it give you what you want in a relationship?

 

You can't be in love with someone's potential. You have to either accept her as she is, or move on.

[TheVSilent]

The thing is I accept her for her flaws, and genuinely want to be there for her, but I am not getting what I want. I don't ever feel the sense that she wants me around just to see me anymore. I feel she is bored, and I may be clinging onto hope. It is rather depressing and is bringing me down because I really am trying to do everything she wants me to do, but I guess I can't change the way she feels. If this is her way of pulling away I am having a hard time accepting it.

 

I don't feel like I should be punished for having my own plans when the whole reason she needed space was because we saw each other everyday. Now that I am doing what she wanted all along she is asking me to drop whatever it is I have going on for her no matter what. I think it is toxic for me, and I have tried to pull away but my heart wants what it wants and it hurts so bad when I know she could care less about me. She needed space on Valentines day, posted stuff on her instagram about how she doesn't need a valentine and she is forever alone, then the weekend she gets back into my life as if it never happened, and let alone on her time, not mine.

[elisee8d]

Listen. She sounds EXACTLY like I was with my ex... down to the needing space from seeing each other every day, to breaking up and getting back together, to him having his own life with new friends and me basically punishing him for choosing anyone over me, regardless of when his plans were made. This is an UNHEALTHY relationship, and while I was the one being horrible, I'm not sure how I would classify the treatment (abuse or not) but it definitely wasn't right. It's been 6 months since my ex got tired of my **** and left me, and everyone said it would be the best thing to ever happen to us, and you know what? They were right. I've never been so happy with myself or my life. It took me a long time to realize what I did wrong, I blamed him, and did for a while... but I'm at peace with everything now and so much happier. I don't know how he's doing because we haven't spoken, but I hope it's good.

 

I don't wanna tell you what to do, but speaking from my experience, I'd say leave her. Nothing will ever change. Hell, I would've NEVER changed if he didn't break up with me. I have a much, much healthier relationship with the new man I'm dating. My ex and I simply weren't right for each other. Some people bring out the best in you, and others bring out the worst... and no matter how much talking you do, you two will always blame each other and get nowhere. My ex brought out the worst in me, and it seems that that is the case with your relationship as well. It doesn't matter how much you love her, or how much you accept her... she'll never change and accept you. She seems to be obsessed with changing you to mold you into exactly what she wants, which is what I did.

 

Again, this is all just speaking from my own actions, but I would hate for two people to be as miserable as my ex and I were when happiness is just around the corner. You won't be able to see it until you walk away though.

[SJC2008]

Controlling people feel inadequate which is why they are never wrong. It's too much of a blow to their ego to admit they're never wrong. They can't trust so they control. Depending on how much of a controller the person is they'll make comments about the way they dress and try to isolate them. I think you're with an extreme controller. Controlling people are selfish people and are victims, they're always being wronged in their eyes. Bail now, you don't love her and a healthy man wouldn't put up with this crap. You probably have issues like I do that draw you to controlling women.

[M30USA]

Listen. She sounds EXACTLY like I was with my ex... down to the needing space from seeing each other every day, to breaking up and getting back together, to him having his own life with new friends and me basically punishing him for choosing anyone over me, regardless of when his plans were made. This is an UNHEALTHY relationship, and while I was the one being horrible, I'm not sure how I would classify the treatment (abuse or not) but it definitely wasn't right. It's been 6 months since my ex got tired of my **** and left me, and everyone said it would be the best thing to ever happen to us, and you know what? They were right. I've never been so happy with myself or my life. It took me a long time to realize what I did wrong, I blamed him, and did for a while... but I'm at peace with everything now and so much happier. I don't know how he's doing because we haven't spoken, but I hope it's good.

 

I don't wanna tell you what to do, but speaking from my experience, I'd say leave her. Nothing will ever change. Hell, I would've NEVER changed if he didn't break up with me. I have a much, much healthier relationship with the new man I'm dating. My ex and I simply weren't right for each other. Some people bring out the best in you, and others bring out the worst... and no matter how much talking you do, you two will always blame each other and get nowhere. My ex brought out the worst in me, and it seems that that is the case with your relationship as well. It doesn't matter how much you love her, or how much you accept her... she'll never change and accept you. She seems to be obsessed with changing you to mold you into exactly what she wants, which is what I did.

 

Again, this is all just speaking from my own actions, but I would hate for two people to be as miserable as my ex and I were when happiness is just around the corner. You won't be able to see it until you walk away though.

 

Insightful and very applicable to my personal situation. Thank you.