Silly_Girl Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I feel devastated. Rightly or wrongly I feel like I've been in a car crash. My fiancé told me he'd discussed my ex with his parents. My violent, abusive, psychopathic ex who even now is haunting me and playing legal (and psychological) games to try and exert some control. We split up in June '09. I am careful about what I say to who, where he's concerned. One of the lovely things about my New Life was that I could be me as I am now, and be 'clean'; i.e. not sullied by 'all that' nastiness and traumatic stuff. My guy is so upset because my hang-ups are all predictable (I'm soiled goods, I was partly complicit by staying for so long, people will think less of me, I feel embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed) and it hurts him, really hurts him, when I speak that way. And generally I DON'T speak that way. But tonight I was furious and frustrated and felt betrayed and all the emotion came tumbling out. I was loving my burdgeoning relationship with my MIL-to-be and right now I couldn't care less if I never saw her again and I'm not far off feeling that about my fiancé! I realise this isn't about us, he cares very much and was just silly and thoughtless, it's about me and my feelings about an old relationship, but I feel so angry and everything feels slightly spoilt. I liked that when I gave my wedding speech no one on his side would know those awful things from my past. I loved that thought. I am having to go through yet more court proceedings with my ex and after years of avoiding it I was at court facing him 10 days ago. I liked the prospect of leaving him in my old life. And not 'taking him' to the house we're buying, or in to our marriage. But the in-laws and fiancé's 2 best friends know about my ex and I am really struggling with that. I can imagine it's not a huge deal to an outsider, but it feels enormous to me, after everything that's happened. Help me snap out of it??! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 It sounds like you are carrying a ton of shame attached to that relationship. Yes? If so, getting it out in the open is the way to shed shame. Hiding it gives power to the shame. Also, it is a tremendous burden to ask him to carry your ex as a secret, in essence to share your shame. I hear that you are hurting I feel for you I hope, hope, hope that this event will end up being a powerful motivation to shed that shame, and hold your head up PROUD of who you are, where you are, and where you are going with your fiance! Also, what you've overcome! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyWifey Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Your Fiance deserves the best of you so do the hard yards and accept your past for what it is and learn from it. Part of healing is learning to love yourself for who you are and the path that has taken you to where you are today. You have a great life ahead of you. Don't ruin it by not passing the "tests" that life has presented you with. If you want a clean slate with your new man then ask for his support and stand up together and sever your past with your ex. But most of all try to look at the underlying issues here and try not to embody them in your ex. Your ex was unstable, fearful and controlling. The only way through this is to know that you do not want this for yourself anymore. Refuse to take this crap from people. You are a good person and are worth more than that. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 I appreciate the sound advice. I have worked really hard over the years, done a lot of thinking, and healing. I have been coping well with his persistent mind games and kept chipper. I just loved so much the opportunity to be me only, nothing else was anyone else's business. I felt so lucky to be able to move on in that way, only now it's gone. It's clear I need to think more about this stance I have that people will judge me and view me differently. My other half is begging me to see that that's simply not the case but I don't believe it now and am not sure I ever will. I understand he was worrying about me and that led to him talking to his mum, best friends, but I blame myself for that as I feel I should have stuck with my first instincts from way back which was to not get involved with him until the legal stuff had been sorted (which I knew had the potential to be years), or not to talk to him or involve him at all. Keep it all a secret from him. I tried that briefly and it wasn't helpful. He's been fantastic and supportive but I can't help but think if I'd tried harder to keep it to myself.... Well, I just couldn't have done really, to be honest. Kidding myself on that score Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 He's been fantastic and supportive but No "but". He's been fantastic and supportive. It's human to need help and support. It's good to open up to your partner, trust them, and support each other. It actually makes you closer, deepens your relationship. His family can also be fantastic and supportive (no but), if you give them the chance. Most likely, they want to support you, because they love you! If it were your son, would you want him to keep it to himself, and carry his burdens on his own? Carry shame? Or would you want him to have the support of a loving family and partner? What is a stronger role model for your son--carrying the burden yourself, or sharing the burden with trusted family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Thank you! I know what you say makes sense. I spoke to my counsellor about it and had a good cry. She's never got up to give me a hug before! I was heartbroken and drained, but it's more just another level of acceptance and understanding of who I was and what I suffered. I'm not at all angry with my man now. He knows he should have broached it with me first, but he's not hurt me deliberately and it was his concern that caused the situation. I find it hard to say "that happened to me, so what?" and now I am finally, after so long, understanding the reasons. Hence my mini-meltdown to my counsellor. I am trying to see this as a good thing now. As the right thing for my future, and for my son. These people are his family and friends now too and I like the idea of him not feeling he has to 'carry' anything on my behalf. Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 SG it's not a marker of who you are. It's a marker of how far you've come. They will admire you, not pity you. But you need to learn to do the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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