Need Serious Help! Please...

[Dove]

I've run out of people and places to turn to for help, maybe some of your opinions can help out a little bit...boyfriend problems. Yuk! My boyfriend, been together 2 years, hes out with his friends right now. We've talked maybe 20-30 minutes the past 3 days, which really isnt normal for us. His friend came down from college this week (tuesday night) and he leaves sunday night. All of my boyfriends time has gone to spending with his friends this whole week. We haven't talked much, we haven't seen each other at all. When we have talked for the short times we have, all we have been doing is fighting. Fighting beacuse I have gotten completely pissed off about him spending this entire week with his friends. In the past its been where he would spend sometime with his friends, and time with me. An equal thing. This week its like I'm nothing to him. He doesn't call when he says he is going to, hes been giving one too many excuses this week...We've been fighting because I want to spend some time with him on this thanksgiving holiday and hes too busy being out with his friends. Hes told me weeks ago that I'm taking him away from his friends, and then he was spending equal time with each of us...And now his friends are taking him away from me and he acts like he doesn't even care. He wonders why I'm pissed off?! I've tried to explain it to him, and he just gets mad at me and puts all the blame on me. We really can not talk without fighting. I tried to tell him to just have a nice weekend and call me Monday, but he didn't want to go for that. I told him earlier that I want to have some kind of small thanksgiving dinner between the two of us...Thats not happening. Hes out with his friends, while I'm at home all upset over all this crap. And he still acts like he doesn't even care...its like the only thing that matters to him is his friends. I understand that his friend is down from college, and that he leaves sunday but I feel like that give my boyfiend no reason to keep blowing me off and treating me like he is. I don't know what to do, what to say to him, anything! My thanksgiving has been completely screwed, my weekend I'm sure is going to be screwed. My boyfriends is supossed to call me sometime tonight, so he says, and I have no clue what to say to him. I honestly just don't want to talk to him right now, but he won't have that! Anything anyone can say to help to get me through this right now?

[Nic]

Firstly, calm down! Secondly, boys will always be boys and from past experience, i have realised that men need to be with their mates just as much as girls need to be with their girlfriends.

 

Understand that the more you pressure your boyfriend about the time he spends with his friends, the more he is going to distance himself from you to avoid the pressure you're putting on him. Wouldn't you? He's not really doing anything wrong, yet when you get pissed off at him, he's made to feel like he is. He probably isn't talking to you much because he wonders if you're going to get pissed off again and will anticipate that. That's probably why he's not calling when he says he will and is giving excuses - to avoid getting blown up at. And you can't blame him for feeling like you're taking his friends away from him when you're constantly on at him about the time he spends. He shouldn't have to pick one over the other, because that's just unrealistic.

 

Your weekend is not going to be screwed because you are going to do something constructive like spend it with your friends or family instead of being paranoid and feeling insecure. Use this time without to spend doing what you would normally do when he's not there anyway and try not to feel so threatened about him being with his friends. Don't worry if he doesn't call. He might not because he doesn't want a good weekend spoiled with fighting. If he does call, be calm and apologise to him for being irrational. Hey, at least it's not your birthday he's away for. Things could be worse!!

 

Arrange a special belated thanksgiving dinner next weekend together if thanksgiving means that much to you. and you can both talk about what you did with your friends this weekend with no grudges.

 

If you can trust him, and he can trust you, then you really have nothing to worry about. Strike a balance instead of trying to force one. You'll only end up pushing him away if you try to force him to make a decision between you or his friends.

 

You can't expect him to divide his time 50/50 with you and his friends. That would require a timetable and a schedule that no one should have to live by. There will always be times where he will spend more time during the week with you, and then another week he might spend more time with his friends. And the more you pressure him, the more claustrophobic he will feel in the relationship and the more he will want to get away with his friends.

 

The key here is to be calm, mature, rational and let him AND YOU have that healthy balance between friends and partner. Not to mention, it's a great feeling to miss each other. It makes it all so good when you see each other again.

 

If things aren't right between you when he gets back, you'll have to sit down and talk about it seroiusly. but in the meantime, don't jump to conclusions and spoil your own weekend all by yourself.

[Tony T]

I read Nic's reply and really do like it and hope you will consider it. It is certainly a valid response if you're in a very forgiving mood.

 

I personally think your boyfriend has been a first class jerk. I think he has shown you and his relationship with you no respect whatsoever. To not see you on a special holiday like Thanksgiving after you have discussed this with him, in my opinion, is about as great a lack of consideration that a man can show a woman.

 

We love others because of the way they make us feel. You will quickly fall out of love with this guy for making you feel like a third class acquaintance in relation to these friends he is entertaining. And why hasn't he invited you to be with him and his friends a bit???

 

I am greatly criticized in this forum because I don't recommend people put up with this kind of treatment. That's why I am strongly recommending you read Nic's reply and try to work things out. But me, I would dump this jerk in a heartbeat. I see no useful purpose in continuing a relationship with someone who has clearly shown that friends from out of town take total and complete priority over you.

 

This guy is selfish, self centered, immature, inconsiderate, uncaring, and a bastard too boot. If there was a morsel of hope for you here, I would encourage you to hang in there. But you have not shown me any evidence whatsoever that your guy is one speck less than a first class horse's ass.

 

Anyway, let me calm down. If I was where you are, I would look him up and whip his butt for you. I just feel so sorry about this. I'll bet you just can't wait to marry him so you can spend weekends and holidays by yourself with the kids while he's out getting smashed with his buddies.

 

I hope you can work this out somehow. I personaly don't see what there is to work out. He has shown you how he feels. He has shown you just how important he considers you...and on a holiday!!! Are you supposed to change his mind about this after the fact??? Can you change someone and make them care more, become more considerate, have more manners, make them want to be with you more??? Can you do it by begging???

 

I want to apologize again. I am probably so way off in this and my point of view is probably not good for you. Other than the fact that this guy is among the world's greatest creeps and jerks, you probably love him and want to be with him forever. That's why I urge you to read Nic's post and forget mine.

 

This post is extremely biased because I am MAD AS HELL at your boyfriend for leaving you alone on Thanksgiving. I'd love to bust his chops. But maybe I have as little consideration as he does. Maybe I'm just as bad as he is.

 

Nic is a true gentleman. I don't feel that way right now.

[Tony T]

Sorry Nic, what I mean to say in my last sentence is that you are a genuine, nice lady. Many apologies.

[Nic]

I'm a true woman!!! he he

[Nic]

your apologies accepted. it was a good laugh for me though!

Sorry Nic, what I mean to say in my last sentence is that you are a genuine, nice lady. Many apologies.

[Paulie]

I agree with Tony. If some body cares for you, they want to talk to you. They care for you. I hope I get to this guy before Tony!

 

Give him one last chance, and then can his tail!!

[Dove]

Tony I agree more with you then anyone else right now. Seems you feel just about the same way I do right now about all this, your just able to put your anger into words and thats something I havent been able to do all week! I started to write him a note of apology, but I don't know if there is any point to that or not right now. I was just talking to my best friend and our conversation consisted of this:

 

My friend: somtimes i wonder if he is ready to give you the love you crave

 

me: I don't think there is anyone who can give me the love I crave

 

My friend: i can because i know your mind inside n out

 

me: could you explain my mind inside and out

 

My friend: lets just leave it at you require much attention

 

me: why can't I change from needing to require so much attention?

 

My friend: you dont need to

 

me: why? No one is able to give me that much attention, so that makes me miserable...

 

My friend: you need to be you you dont need to change for anyone

 

me: I want to change because I'm tired of being this way

 

My friend: well there are people that can

 

That pretty much ended the conversation...

 

Thanks Tony, means a lot that you and Nic are here to help out.

[Paulie]

Damn, Nic! You're another one that I really enjoy reading your posts. I hope to continue to see you here! I hope the addictive powers of this site take you in, also!

[Nic]

Dove,

 

Just a quick question - has he done this sort of thing to you on a regular basis before??

Tony I agree more with you then anyone else right now. Seems you feel just about the same way I do right now about all this, your just able to put your anger into words and thats something I havent been able to do all week! I started to write him a note of apology, but I don't know if there is any point to that or not right now. I was just talking to my best friend and our conversation consisted of this: My friend: somtimes i wonder if he is ready to give you the love you crave me: I don't think there is anyone who can give me the love I crave My friend: i can because i know your mind inside n out me: could you explain my mind inside and out My friend: lets just leave it at you require much attention me: why can't I change from needing to require so much attention? My friend: you dont need to me: why? No one is able to give me that much attention, so that makes me miserable... My friend: you need to be you you dont need to change for anyone me: I want to change because I'm tired of being this way My friend: well there are people that can

 

That pretty much ended the conversation...

 

Thanks Tony, means a lot that you and Nic are here to help out.

[Dove]

Hes been giving me the whole "taking his time from his friends" thing pretty often, but it hasn't gotten this bad before...and hes never done this to me on a holiday before either.

[Nic]

They already have Paulie!!! They addictive powers have sucked me right into the Loveshack! I actually discovered this site the other week. I was feeling incredibily crappy due to boyfriend problems and it was nice to see i'm not the only one out there upset/hurting etc and it feels good to know you might be able to make things a little easier for someone else.

 

I think i shall stick around!! (albeit at odd hours - i live down under and right now it's 3.04pm friday afternoon, i'm at work and i suppose i should keep my job!! ah, bugger it. the boss isn't here and he won't know. tee hee)

 

Damn, Nic! You're another one that I really enjoy reading your posts. I hope to continue to see you here! I hope the addictive powers of this site take you in, also!

[Dove]

Thanks Paulie for your response. I'm working on giving him his last chance right now...Hopefully something positive will come of it.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I started to write him a note of apology, but I don't know if there is any point to that or not right now."

 

And why would you be writing him a note of apology. Why should YOU apologize because he is the world's biggest scumbag and jerk??? Why should YOU apologize because he has hurt you??? Why should you apologize because he has disrespected the relationship??? Why should you apologize because he is rude???

 

Don't you dare apologize to this vermin.

 

So sorry, I have trouble expressing myself appropriately sometimes.

[Dove]

wow, thats amazing. I'm in dallas tx, and its jut after 10pm here. I got off work a good 6 1/2 hours ago.

[Dove]

That is why I said "I started to write". I can't seem to write him right now without just going on an anger rage about all this...thats probably what I need to do right about now though.

[Tony T]

YOU can't write without going on an anger rage about all this? I am fuming. He better know he's damned lucky I don't know where he and his friends are now. I am really, really pissed and I don't get that way very easily.

[Nic]

you know, this friend of yours sounds a lot more considerate of your feelings than your boyfriend. that's the kind of person you need in your life when you're not getting the support or consideration from your boyfriend. and no, you don't have to change your ways. just be careful not to place too much emphasis on the one person fulfiling your needs until you know you have found that right person.

 

the more i think about your original post, and the more i think about tony's, the more i think you have every right to get angry. it sounds like it's HIM pushing this relationship to different heights but it's so much easier for him to transfer the blame on to you because he's a big inconsiderate, disrespectful wuss.

 

and by the way, don't look at his actions as a reflection on who you are as a person. he should be open-minded and thoughtful enough to understand why you are upset and RESPECTFUL enough to take your feelings into consideration. and by the sounds of things, he's done nothing to reassure you. that's not a decent boyfriend. that is a jerk who will never change his ways.

 

if he can't show you the respect you deserve, tell him to get on his bike and you'll get it elsewhere.

 

i completely take back my original post!!!!! i'm up there with tony and paulie - let's smash him one!!

Hes been giving me the whole "taking his time from his friends" thing pretty often, but it hasn't gotten this bad before...and hes never done this to me on a holiday before either.

[Nic]

Get a photo of him, get a pillow/punching bag (anything that won't hurt your hands), stick the photo on it, and punch, punch, punch away!!!!!!!!! alternatively, put his photo on a dart board, and go for it! actually, get a full length photo and aim the darts for where it hurts :)

 

i swear, i am not a sadist or vengeful. just not up-to-date on effective anger management techniques.

 

do whatever makes you feel better now, ok? and don't feel guilty. because he's not.

That is why I said "I started to write". I can't seem to write him right now without just going on an anger rage about all this...thats probably what I need to do right about now though.

[Tony T]

I am way ahead of you, babe!!! I went into the bathroom, looked down, imagined him and did something I don't think he would like. And I didn't throw him a towel.

[Dove]

This is another thing I've been upset over this week. I've had a cold all week, and a bit of a personal problem with my ovaries. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to find out that I have blisters on my ovaries that swell up once a month and burst. I think this is probably a bit of a female conversation...hope you don't mind Tony and paulie...but anyways, These blisters burst every month before my cycle starts. Well, I was two months late till two days ago. I was scared, worried, and in a whole lot of pain. My boyfriend wasn't around for any of this. He was around for me to tell I started, when we have talked he hasn't bothered to ask me how I'm feeling or anything or the sort. I wanted to sit down and talk to him about my personal problem yesterday, and the day that I started because the doctor has put me on birthcontrol. This is all new to me. I'm still a virgin, and all I've been is upset over this whole boyfriend ordeal and then worried about myself physically. To this day today he hasn't asked me how i'm feeling or anything. Then Tuesday, to make matters worse. I was witha group of friends tuesday morning and some guy thought it would be cute to kick a basketball around and it hit me dead on in the head and the back of my head hit a wall because we were all sitting against a wall. I was taken home and told to be watched in case I was hurt worse then it seemed. I e-mailed my boyfriend explaining all this to him because he wasn't home for me to tell him. I had to go to work that day also. My forehead had swelled up that day. And That night was my second day working where i am, I just got a new job. And my boyfriend hasn't bothered with any of this...All this is yet another reason why I'm so pissed off at hime right now. And hes not around for me to explain all this to him. Hes not home for me to talk to him, hes out having a great time with him friends.

and by the sounds of things, he's done nothing to reassure you.

[Nic]

i'm a sydney girl. i'll be leaving work in about 1.5 hrs and i can't waaaaaaait!!!

wow, thats amazing. I'm in dallas tx, and its jut after 10pm here. I got off work a good 6 1/2 hours ago.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "All this is yet another reason why I'm so pissed off at hime right now."

 

You have serious problems with your ovaries...and you were accidentally hit in the head and had to be taken home...and this guy is out with his friends.

 

I'm sorry, babe, but I have to say that if you have any more to do with this guy, you need to seek counselling for self esteem and masochistic issues.

 

I feel so bad for you. You have gone through hell and this guy is out with his friends.

 

I can't take this anymore. I have to sign off. I am getting physically ill.

 

The fact that you were even remotely considered writing him an apology about this tells me you have very serious self esteem problems, and I'm not kidding here. You have to start knowing you deserve so much better treatment than this. If you don't stand up for yourself and insist that the people around you treat you with consideration and respect, you will get stepped on all the days of your life.

 

I personally can't think of one reason why you would give him a second chance, unless he is retarded, sorry...mentally challenged...in some way.

[Dove]

Tony, e-mail me please. <e-mail address removed>

[Nic]

And hes not around for me to explain all this to him.

Dove, this guy is one insensitive, thoughtless, selfish person. Please do me a favour - i'll explain why:

 

I had an ex who i met when i was 18. he was all sweet and stuff for the first 6 months or so, then he started to change. well, no he didn't change, his true colours began to show through. he would forget my birthday, christmas (we don't have thanksgiving here), and he never had any time for me. as silly as this may sound, i had a dog from the age 5 up until my 18th birthday. we had to put her down and i was devestated. his response, "you'll get over it in a couple of hours". WHAT!!!! WHAT!!!!! this was only the beginning.....

 

Oneday, i was at his house in the morning and i was huddled in pain on the kitchen floor and i couldn't move. he walked straight past me withouth flinching. it was his friend who asked if i was ok, and his friend who called my work to tell them i was sick. i had to drive home myself because my boyfriend couldn't be bothered and his friend had already left for work by then. When i was 20, i had endometriosis on my ovaries and I had to go the hospital for an operation to have it removed. my mum and i forgot to get my painkillers, so i rang him knowing he'd be at home (mum was at work) and he argued with me over the phone until he finally, but reluctantly agreed to pick me up to go to the chemist. i was in tears the whole way from the pain, and in tears because not once, did he ask me how i was feeling or try to reassure me.

 

when my uncle died of lung cancer, he said, "oh well", and poured himself a beer.

 

when i asked him not to turn up to my 21st birthday drunk (he thought all parties were about getting pissed), he turned up on my doorstep off his face with a calendar as a present. A CALENDAR!!!!

 

i could go on and on her Dove, but that would take a long time. I suppose what i'm trying to tell you is this guy is an a**ehole. he will always be one. don't even lay there in hope that he will "change". because he won't. Dove, i stayed with my boyfriend for 4.5 yrs hoping he will change. i finally learnt that he will not change, because that is who he is and always will be. that's what his true colours are. you are far too good for someone like him. and the longer you're with him, the more miserable he will make you, and soon enough it may turn into emotional abuse.

 

you deserve so much better than him. he is not a real man.

 

he is a selfish pig. a real man would stand by you. no matter how big or small the problem. show him you deserve respect by booting him up the backside and out the door.

 

don't sell yourself short and don't settle for second best. you're too special for that, ok!!