Do you think the majority of MM in affairs will EVER feel their OW is 100% worthy?

[cocorico]

However, please educate yourself to the stages of love which begin with limerance, proceed to disillusionment and end, hopefully with mature love.

 

ALL exclusive relationships will follow these stages and it would be sad for you to find yourself in exactly the same state of feeling 5 to 7 years into your next relationship.

 

I would question that. I have never experience limerance in a R.

[Finally Settled]

I believe the BS can do, use, whatever they want or need to keep their head from spinning off their necks like a meteor and shooting into outer space.

 

They did not solve their romantic unhappiness by having sex with another and lying about it. Period. they may never FULLY overcome the betrayal of someone they loved and trusted and were seemingly happy enough with to bear his children, create a home, and work tirelessly to preserve the family unit during all those hours you and your AP were falling in love.

 

With that being said, you did seek counseling and should have continued, as I did, with or without her. I applaud you for your efforts to reconcile and subsequently divorce and wait a year before contacting your eAP.

 

That shows maturity and restraint. However, please educate yourself to the stages of love which begin with limerance, proceed to disillusionment and end, hopefully with mature love.

 

ALL exclusive relationships will follow these stages and it would be sad for you to find yourself in exactly the same state of feeling 5 to 7 years into your next relationship.

 

I'm not looking to carry on an argument here Spark. My remarks weren't to downplay anything to do with the betrayed party. The only point I was making was that there are reasons for staying in a marriage that are common to all parties. They can't be invalidated for one party and not the other. Change the context from a betrayed spouse to one with a husband or wife with a drinking problem. They may make the decision to stay on many factors, including children and finances. The reasons are valid for all parties. The choice to do something as heinous as I did is not right and I am not trying to say it is.

 

I have continued my counselling and will probably carry on for some time to come. Thank you for your advice on stages of love, I will keep that in the back of my mind so when I'm done beating myself over the head for what I've done, I'll try and shore myself up for what comes next.

 

I thank you Spark.

[stevie_23]

I would question that. I have never experience limerance in a R.

 

I find this strange if it’s true.

 

Why would you ever BE in a relationship (exclusive and intimate / romantic) if you never felt that limerence? The totally in love, passionate love, the need to be with that person, the constant thinking of them, wanting to be with them and do things for them…you know? What would be the driving force of getting into a relationship WITHOUT that at first?

[cocorico]

I find this strange if it’s true.

 

Why would you ever BE in a relationship (exclusive and intimate / romantic) if you never felt that limerence? The totally in love, passionate love, the need to be with that person, the constant thinking of them, wanting to be with them and do things for them…you know? What would be the driving force of getting into a relationship WITHOUT that at first?

 

The sex.

 

.........

[stevie_23]

Yes, but you can have sex without a relationship.

 

If it was just sex that drove you into a relationship, what happened after and at all other times when you weren't having sex? Did you just not really spend much time together apart from in bed?

[Bailey14]

Finally Settled, perhaps I missed your meaning but, I am curious about what you meant by " changing the dynamic of your relationship?" BTW, thank you for your posts.

[cocorico]

Yes, but you can have sex without a relationship.

 

If it was just sex that drove you into a relationship, what happened after and at all other times when you weren't having sex? Did you just not really spend much time together apart from in bed?

 

Of course you can have sex without a R. But sometimes, the sex is really good, so you make a habit of seeing them, and start to get to know them a bit better. Then grow to like them, become friends, start seeing more about them you like until there's enough in common to want to keep them around for a while. Sometimes it gets better still, and you get even closer over time.

 

For me, the closeness, the passion, the "in love", is the product of a great deal of time spent together, and if it happens at all happens only very much later in the R, after a few years, when you know them really really well, and you've already dealt with and decided you can live with all the stuff that's "wrong" with them (or why they're wrong for you).

 

I guess for me it happens in reverse. I always start with what's wrong, and gradually have to learn over time to see beyond that, to recognise the good stuff, to find points of connection, to allow myself to open up more, to build on commonalities, and then when all the depths are plumbed and it's run its course, to move on.

[Finally Settled]

Finally Settled, perhaps I missed your meaning but, I am curious about what you meant by " changing the dynamic of your relationship?" BTW, thank you for your posts.

 

I wasn't sure what post you were referring to, but I do believe somewhere I had made a comment such as this. I am now actively working with my other woman to establish ourselves in a non-affair relationship.

 

I see a distinct lack of posts here from the very source of everyones pain. I am not every married man so I can only speak for myself. I do hope it helps. Thank you Bailey 14.

[Bailey14]

I wasn't sure what post you were referring to, but I do believe somewhere I had made a comment such as this. I am now actively working with my other woman to establish ourselves in a non-affair relationship.

 

I see a distinct lack of posts here from the very source of everyones pain. I am not every married man so I can only speak for myself. I do hope it helps. Thank you Bailey 14.

 

Most of the posts here are from woman who are struggling with being the OW and from woman who are in the midst of the pain of betrayal. I appreciate your perspective because, although I am one of the woman struggling with being the OW, I know my MM loves me. Many here would try to convince me otherwise.....just watch.......and it touches my heart that you were willing to share the things you did.

[Finally Settled]

Most of the posts here are from woman who are struggling with being the OW and from woman who are in the midst of the pain of betrayal. I appreciate your perspective because, although I am one of the woman struggling with being the OW, I know my MM loves me. Many here would try to convince me otherwise.....just watch.......and it touches my heart that you were willing to share the things you did.

 

As part of my healing, I've joined a support group for cheating spouses. I have found that most men there were in the same situation that I was-they loved both their spouse and their other woman. There have been many reasons why they stayed or left, but there was little doubt of the feelings they held. The men there who would be considered serial cheaters are frightening in their lack of feelings. Only you and your married man were in the relationship and you need to trust your feelings. That is not meaning you shouldn't continually examine things said and done. Some people do lie and sadly it isn't always immediately obvious when they have.

 

I hope to continue sharing here and hope that you do too. Thank you Bailey14.

[Bailey14]

I am bothered by generalizations........all OW suffer from low self-esteem, all MM suffer from borderline personality disorder, all APs are living in an affair bubble, blah, blah, blah, blah. Thank you for saying something "out loud" that I know to be true within my relationship. He loves his wife and he loves me and that is why divorce is not an option. I have met his wife and she is a beautiful, loving soul and understand why he still loves her. There are many here who deny the possibility of loving two women and, again, I thank you for your honesty.

[Got it]

LG - but we can't dictate how love is going to come to us, we can only decide if it meets our requirements, if it has acceptable compromises, or if it has deal breakers in which love isn't enough.

 

In all relationship we may feel we love someone but the circumstances of it are either acceptable or not and we may spent time trying to decide. This isn't unique to affairs. The feelings are the feelings are the feelings. The circumstances are the variables and paint the big picture.

 

If an OW is happy with her MM, if he is the icing on her cake and her life is full without him center placed then I see no issues with the OW or questioning her happiness.

[canuckprincess]

By this, I mean…most of the time, no matter how much love there is, no matter how deep the feelings go, no matter how much wanting and longing there is to really BE together, the MM does not leave his wife or existing situation.

 

So…is this because even right from the very beginning, their relationship and this person is portrayed and represented as “other” and “secondary” and “inappropriate”? And does this EVER change fully, even after years and years and even if the MM DOES end up leaving his wife to be with his OW?

 

Will she ALWAYS be the OW somewhere in his mind? Somewhere deep down, will the OW always feel lesser than what she needs because of how things started and how things were? And for those MM who DO leave their wives and marry the OW, are they more easily able to one day cheat on her with another OW because their marriage, due to the way it started with her as the “other”, is not QUITE 100% real to him somehow?

 

Just curious.

 

Why should a mm leave when we allow them to cake eat. As far a mm never leaving well if that were the case divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is.