A mistress for two years running

[gtoman4728]

This story may be tiresome by now because I am sure you have heard many like it, but I feel a need to tell it anyway.

 

I have been married once for 21 years and I remain married. I love my wife and I have wonderful (almost grown) children. My wife is bipolar and when she is up she is kind and loving and when she is down she is not. That is putting it mildly and that is all I am going to say about my wife that is derogatory in any way because she has been my partner and companion and a fine mother and given her all to our marriage and to our children. I have always been patient, kind helpful, and the best father our children could have. Really, I love my children very very much and I am deeply involved in their lives in many many ways.

 

I work hard, I keep my promises, I believe my wife is my equal and I treat her like that. I am never angry or abusive in any way.

 

Sounds good so far and you know what, it is still good in most ways.

 

But here is the catch. About five years ago the relationship between my wife and I started to evolve into a friendship. That trend continued and now we have had sex for 2 years. We still sleep in the same bed but we just are not intimate.

 

I travel a lot and on one of my business trips I met an attractive woman who is 18 years younger than me. We started sleeping together and helped her out a bit with her bills. I see her once a month when I am traveling and she brings a lot of joy and light to my life. She knows exactly who I am and that I have a wife and kids as I have never tried to deceive her.

 

I have been extremely careful to keep this part of my life separate and private and my wife has kindly chosen not to ask any questions, just like I don't ask her what she is doing when she is away on trips.

 

I really have no interest in starting an affair that could disrupt my marriage or my relationship with my children in any way. That is the most important thing I have done in my life and I have no interest in turning that upside down in pursuit of romantic love.

 

It is hard sometimes, to realize that you are not in a fully engaged passionate romantic relationship but I am OK with it and that is the way I want it.

 

I think that when our children go to college my wife may decide to move on but I would prefer if she made that decision, not me.

[cocorico]

This story may be tiresome by now because I am sure you have heard many like it, but I feel a need to tell it anyway.

 

I have been married once for 21 years and I remain married. I love my wife and I have wonderful (almost grown) children. My wife is bipolar and when she is up she is kind and loving and when she is down she is not. That is putting it mildly and that is all I am going to say about my wife that is derogatory in any way because she has been my partner and companion and a fine mother and given her all to our marriage and to our children. I have always been patient, kind helpful, and the best father our children could have. Really, I love my children very very much and I am deeply involved in their lives in many many ways.

 

I work hard, I keep my promises, I believe my wife is my equal and I treat her like that. I am never angry or abusive in any way.

 

Sounds good so far and you know what, it is still good in most ways.

 

But here is the catch. About five years ago the relationship between my wife and I started to evolve into a friendship. That trend continued and now we have had sex for 2 years. We still sleep in the same bed but we just are not intimate.

 

I travel a lot and on one of my business trips I met an attractive woman who is 18 years younger than me. We started sleeping together and helped her out a bit with her bills. I see her once a month when I am traveling and she brings a lot of joy and light to my life. She knows exactly who I am and that I have a wife and kids as I have never tried to deceive her.

 

I have been extremely careful to keep this part of my life separate and private and my wife has kindly chosen not to ask any questions, just like I don't ask her what she is doing when she is away on trips.

 

I really have no interest in starting an affair that could disrupt my marriage or my relationship with my children in any way. That is the most important thing I have done in my life and I have no interest in turning that upside down in pursuit of romantic love.

 

It is hard sometimes, to realize that you are not in a fully engaged passionate romantic relationship but I am OK with it and that is the way I want it.

 

I think that when our children go to college my wife may decide to move on but I would prefer if she made that decision, not me.

 

I'm not really clear on what you're wanting, with this post. From the tone, I'd guess you're wanting someone to say they understand where you're coming from, why you're doing it, and that it's OK. Is that accurate?

 

I can certainly understand where you're coming from and why you're doing it, but only you can say whether it's OK or not. And by your posting here, seeking assurance or something, I'm assuming it's not, really, to you.

 

Have you spoken to your W about what you're missing in your M? Do you still hope that you can resolve things and get all those needs met int eh M, or are you pretty well resigned to treading water until the kids leave and then allowing yourself and your W to drift apart permanently, with no hard feelings? How would you best like this to end?

[mitchell]

You sound like a lonely businessman who has a prostitute that he visits while on his business trips. You see your AP once a month and "pay her bills". Call it whatever you want.

 

What does your AP do the rest of the month? Does she sit around pining for you? She likely has another John many of the remaining 29 days who also pay her bills.

 

Don't romanticize what you are doing. Be honest with your wife. Perhaps she will be fine with your arrangement.

[gtoman4728]

I posted to tell my story so others in a similar situation will know they are not alone. I am not looking for advice but if it is given I am reading it and thinking about it. In fact I am starting to realize that there are so many stories out there and so many posters my story will be lost and forgotten, and that is fine with me too.

 

I expected to get some people replying questioning my infidelity and expressing anger but that has not happened so far.

 

As for the AP, she has had 4 boyfriends since I started seeing her. I have encouraged her to do this because being with a married man is not really a fulfulling relationship and I want her to take care of herself first. A year ago she told me she loves me and she keeps telling me this and she keeps seeing me and her other relationships have never lasted longer than 3 months.

 

As for sex, I have asked my wife and tried to romance her into it but she says she is not interested. At this point I am not really into it with her either. I know this is going to sound immoral but it is a fact. My AP is sexier than my wife and that is a factor in my decision to see her.

 

I do not assume my wife knows about the affair. In fact I am religiously careful to avoid getting caught. I am not proud to say it, but I could write a book on how to cheat and not get caught. My motivation for being so careful is that I want to respect my wife and my children. There is no reason for them to know about something that I have decided will not disrupt our life together.

 

And I still have some very good times with my wife. She is smart, funny, capable and loving some of the time.

[nofool4u]

I think that when our children go to college my wife may decide to move on but I would prefer if she made that decision, not me.

 

Why? So you don't look like the bad guy?

 

I expected to get some people replying questioning my infidelity and expressing anger but that has not happened so far.

 

And why did you expect it? Where you hoping for this? If you expected this kind of reaction, why did you choose a part of the forum where this was the expected reaction?

Edited February 19, 2013 by nofool4u

[CarboniteCammy]

Sometimes when I see posts like these, they just sort of come across as a misguided cry for help even if you don't come out and say it. Maybe you want help because you can't share your alternative life with anyone meaningful; it's not like you can tell your kids and it seems like you have no interest in telling your wife.

 

It alienates you from your family in a sense, even if you do it while you're away on business, simply because you can't share every single part of yourself with those you love the most.

 

Here's some food for thought: If your wife ever catches you, and she is as terrifying as she sounds, then you're certainly in for a world of hurt. And while you probably think you're *very* clever and sneaky, I've discovered that most men aren't nearly as smart as they think they are when it comes to things like this.

 

Then you really will have some explaining to do and your kids will find out, your family will find out, maybe your business will fire you (because you did this while working for them, correct?).

 

There's just a ridiculous amount for you to lose due to this bad behavior.

Sometimes it's just easier to be honest and escape your situation cleanly and start over, rather then dragging everyone through D day. Especially since you're dealing with an unstable partner.

[pteromom]

A few things come to mind...

 

- You are not treating your wife with respect. You are sneaking and hiding and lying. That's NOT respectful. Respect would mean talking to her and finding a solution to your problems together. Maybe the solution would be to keep sleeping with your OW... but your wife should have a say in that.

 

- You are cheating on your children too. Never forget that. If this comes out, they will HATE you. You will be the villain. I will never forget finding out about my own dad's many infidelities, and how that caused me to lose ALL respect for him as a man.

 

- You are wasting your OW's life so that you can have sex once a month. She has told you she loves you. She's invested in you. She is not going to find a satisfying relationship with someone else while you are still stringing her along. Since you have no intention of leaving your wife to be with her, for God's sake, please let the poor girl go so she can get over you and build a life for herself.

 

- You are paying OW's bills? You know this money belongs to your wife and children too, right? I certainly hope you guys have a LOT of money so that your children can go to whatever colleges they want, and your wife doesn't have to clip coupons. If not, your choice to give your family's money to the OW is plain wrong.

 

- I get wanting to be happy. But there's a right way and wrong way to do it. The wrong way is to use everyone in your life to add to your happiness, with no regard to THEIR happiness. That's what you are doing here. You need to either reinvest in your marriage, or end it and move on. It's not fair to anyone involved.

[gtoman4728]

OK that is more like the type of reply I thought I would get. Yes I have thought about this a long time. I think that when a relationship has been going on for over 20 years many things change. In my case we grew apart. I am not interested in breaking up my marriage because of this. Maybe I should not be having an affair, but it came about as a result of hostility and anger from my wife towards me. I got tired of making lists of things I could do to make her feel right towards me and decided it was time to look out for me first. I know that to many my logic is twisted or worse, immoral, but I feel relieved and OK with my decision. And yes, my choice to keep it a secret is a choice made to respect the family. Yes I know I could choose not to do it and expend this energy towards fixing my relationship with my wife, but I guess I got tired after trying for so many years. This is a practical and positive solution for me. In summary I would say the French have a more mature approach to marriage and love and I have been comforted by this.

[waterwoman]

Respect is the wrong word. You aren't being respectful to your wife. Tell her what is going on, let her make up her own mind whether she wishes to stay in this arrangment that you have built around her. if she does, work on your marriage. If she doesn't, well there we are....one of those things. But this limbo is unfair to her.

[Minnie09]

What you're doing to your family is outright cruel and has nothing to do with respect. If you respected your family, you would put them in a position that is equal to yours. By withholding crucial information about your whereabouts, emotional state and extramarital activities, you deprive them of the truth. This is not respect. You put them in a position that you choose for them, rather than giving them what they deserve: the truth and the right to go from there and choose what comes next. They do not get to choose, because they don't know what's going on!

 

Your wife is a person, too. Just like you. She has a brain and a heart. Respect that! You live a double life because you want to, but you're not man enough to be upfront and tell her that you've been emotionally and sexually involved with a third party. That way, you are taking everything from your W, while you get to keep everything. What a double standard!*

 

Men with mistresses are a strange species. They have no honor. They would never accept an open marriage, they would never accept their wives to have a lover on the side. And all the justifications I hear are another form of blame shifting: I can't tell her. I don't want to hurt her. Bull****! You don't want to hurt YOU! After all, that's the only person you're thinking about anyways. If you did think about your W, you would act differently. You would give her the chance to make an informed choice. You would break up with your GF, or you would stay with her, doesn't matter, but your W, who you married and promised an honorable life, would know the facts, because you would want her to be treated in a fair way. You would want your cake and eat it, too, but you would admit that that's just not working in a mature, adult, honest marriage. You'd face the music. Not hide. What you are doing is highly disrespectful. Just saying. I know you're in denial and find your excuses valid, but let me tell you this: they are not. They are excuses and you're NOT protecting and respecting your family by omitting the truth. Think about it.

 

Oh and I don't care if you're having problems. Everybody does. You either resolve them together or find a different solution. Together. I'm sure your wife knows life and marriage are hard work and NOT rainbows and butterflies.

[leonine]

You sound a lot like my xMM. I don't think you're a bad person necessarily, but you are a coward. You are unwilling to take on the unpleasant, potentially emotional discussions and actions that would be required to resolve (not fix - they might not be fixable) the problems in your marriage. It's not clear to me that your wife knows that you have an issue, and you don't seem to know if she's similarly dissatisfied with your sex life. You are not hiding the affair out of respect, but out of self preservation of your public image.

 

If you do decide to continue cheating on your wife without planning on leaving her or telling her, at least find a woman who doesn't love you. You may think you're being honest with her, but as long as you keep seeing her, you ARE stringing her along.

[nofool4u]

If you do decide to continue cheating on your wife without planning on leaving her or telling her, at least find a woman who doesn't love you.

 

Really?...

[leonine]

Really?...

 

I contend that he's making a bad decision all around. If he's under the delusion that he's not hurting the OW though, just pointing out that he's wrong about that as well. One could argue that she's bringing any pain on herself, and I wouldn't disagree, but just giving him the reality of the situation.

 

If you make the poor choice to have a FB while you are married and hide it from your spouse, make sure its just a FB.

[JamesM]

This story may be tiresome by now because I am sure you have heard many like it, but I feel a need to tell it anyway.

 

THIS is why you posted your story. Is it perhaps a form of confession?

 

I have been married once for 21 years and I remain married. I love my wife and I have wonderful (almost grown) children.

 

I am in a similar situation. Been married for almost 23 years and have four teenagers. I love my wife.

 

Question: how can one love his wife while maintaining a mistress?

 

My wife is bipolar and when she is up she is kind and loving and when she is down she is not.

 

My wife has fibromyalgia, which means her life is one of pain. She is moody. Sometimes she will stay in bed all weekend. She can be loving one day and depressed the next. She can be very irritable because of the pain.

 

I understand what you are going through to some degree.

 

My guess is that you are trying to build a case for why you have a mistress.

 

That is putting it mildly and that is all I am going to say about my wife that is derogatory in any way

 

You said enough. I can relate. But it is okay to say what is going on with your wife and any detail. How you say it is the difference.

 

because she has been my partner and companion and a fine mother and given her all to our marriage and to our children.

 

So her only limitation is a chemical imbalance over which she has no control? In fact it is genetic. Were you aware of her bipolar disease when you married her?

 

She has given her all...except the one area (at least recently) that matters most to you: sex.

 

I have always been patient, kind helpful, and the best father our children could have. Really, I love my children very very much and I am deeply involved in their lives in many many ways.

 

Good for you. It sounds like you are building a case to show how a mistress doesn't make you a bad guy.

 

I work hard,

 

Good for you.

 

I keep my promises,

 

Maybe but not all. There was one you made called a marriage vow. You have broken that one, I believe. Not judging just saying.

 

 

I believe my wife is my equal and I treat her like that. I am never angry or abusive in any way.

 

Good for you. Perhaps a little more anger and emotion may have helped your marriage as opposed to cheating. A little more assertiveness and a "take charge" attitude may have made a big difference.

 

Sounds good so far and you know what, it is still good in most ways.

 

Maybe. I am guessing that the relationship could use some help.

 

But here is the catch. About five years ago the relationship between my wife and I started to evolve into a friendship. That trend continued and now we have had sex for 2 years. We still sleep in the same bed but we just are not intimate.

 

I understand. My wife and I went through a period of ten years with little sex and as little as twice a year. Not quite as sexless but close. The times we did have it were pretty much pity sex.

 

I travel a lot and on one of my business trips I met an attractive woman who is 18 years younger than me. We started sleeping together and helped her out a bit with her bills.

 

So you pay for sex. That is safer that starting an affair perse, but more dangerous probably in the STD area.

 

I see her once a month when I am traveling and she brings a lot of joy and light to my life. She knows exactly who I am and that I have a wife and kids as I have never tried to deceive her.

 

So you now get sex once a month? And it is for a few hours? She knows who you are...a man who will pay her for sex. As for deceiving her...good. Hate to have you deceive anyone, you know.

 

I have been extremely careful to keep this part of my life separate and private and my wife has kindly chosen not to ask any questions, just like I don't ask her what she is doing when she is away on trips.

 

Hold it! YOU have a secret life and are assuming that your wife has a secret life? You don't ask her because you don't want her to ask you. She has no clue IMO that you cheat and is trusting that you are as faithful as she is. In your mind, you rationalize that she is probably cheating because you can get away with it.

 

I wouldn't assume that at all. BTW, you two could be alot closer if you did discuss your lives.

 

I really have no interest in starting an affair that could disrupt my marriage or my relationship with my children in any way.

 

Too late. So far it is secret, but that could change. Try and stop it with this woman and cut off her funds. You will soon find out how secret your life really is.

 

That is the most important thing I have done in my life and I have no interest in turning that upside down in pursuit of romantic love.

 

The only reason you have not disrupted your life yet is because the affair is still secret. Fact is you have a sexual affair already. The only difference is that you deny it because you don't have an emotional connection with this woman. I am guessing that your wife would consider this an affair.

 

It is hard sometimes, to realize that you are not in a fully engaged passionate romantic relationship but I am OK with it and that is the way I want it.

 

You are engaged in a monthly tryst with a prostitute. And you have a partnership with your wife. Your children are not seeing the benefit of a two parent loving household.

 

I think that when our children go to college my wife may decide to move on but I would prefer if she made that decision, not me.

 

Can I kindly call you something? It would be a coward. You cheat and you want the marriage to end inside, but you want your secret life and your family. You hope that one day your wife will decide to leave, so that you can play the victim. Yet in reality, you have orchestrated the whole thing without having the courage to leave.

 

Do you make decisions in your house, or do you let your wife decide what happens?

 

Why do you think your wife will leave? At the beginning you say that she has given her all to this marriage and her family. My guess is that she would have a completely different story to tell. She probably sees the two of you as distant right now, but she assumes it will get better some day. She may even assume that you don't WANT sex with her for whatever reason, and may still hold a desire for it herself.

 

I have a friend who lives with a woman who is bipolar. I have another who divorced his wife who is bipolar. I know the difficulties. My wife is not bipolar. She has other major issues. I totally understand what your life is like. Read my threads. You will see that I know what a sexless marriage is like.

 

And then let me tell you: if you really want to change your marriage and have a much more fulfilling one without a prostitute but a sexually enthusiastic wife, then I can give you some ideas on how YOU can change your marriage. You won't be able to wait for your wife to change. You will have to decide to be assertive and take control of your life and your marriage. It will take commitment and hard work. It will bring disappointments along with or before it will bring happiness.

 

But it can be done. For the past four months, we have had more sex than we had in the past at least four years. It isn't pity sex either. My wife now has and looks forward to an orgasm each time. It isn't about pleasing me but about getting pleasure for herself.

 

It is much better than a once a month tryst with a prostitute who has four other men.

 

I don't judge you. I simply see it from another view and can see why you could have a much better life than you currently have. Don't wait for her to leave. Take control and be a man...make her not want to leave.

[JamesM]

I posted to tell my story so others in a similar situation will know they are not alone. I am not looking for advice but if it is given I am reading it and thinking about it. In fact I am starting to realize that there are so many stories out there and so many posters my story will be lost and forgotten, and that is fine with me too.

 

I think you wanted to get feedback and maybe a little sympathy. I grant you...you don't have it easy. I feel for you. But I can give you a long list of guys who have chosen differently in similar or more difficult situations.

 

I expected to get some people replying questioning my infidelity and expressing anger but that has not happened so far.

 

While it would be hypocritical for me to express anger, I do question your sexual trysts with the prostitute.

 

As for the AP, she has had 4 boyfriends since I started seeing her.

 

My guess is that all of them pay her in some way, too. If one of them doesn't, then you really need to find out why he gets it free and you have to pay.

 

I have encouraged her to do this because being with a married man is not really a fulfulling relationship and I want her to take care of herself first.

 

I think you fool yourself if you think that YOU needed to convince her to have sex with other men.

 

A year ago she told me she loves me and she keeps telling me this and she keeps seeing me and her other relationships have never lasted longer than 3 months.

 

She could mean it. Or perhaps she means it because of what you mean to her. If she really means it, then you will have major problems if you decide to end it with her.

 

Of course, you could be one of many that she feels this way about.

 

As for sex, I have asked my wife and tried to romance her into it but she says she is not interested.

 

Mine said the same thing and had a list of reasons why...but they were all excuses. You need to ask why. If you truly are committed to your children, family and wife, then you need to take charge and determine what can be done.

 

At this point I am not really into it with her either. I know this is going to sound immoral but it is a fact. My AP is sexier than my wife and that is a factor in my decision to see her.

 

I understand. Your AP (I thought you didn't have an affair? AP?) makes you feel so much better than your wife. It isn't a fact. It is your opinion right now. You see your AP once a month and your wife every day. You see your wife at her worst and your AP at her best. Not fair is it?

 

You are not committed to your family or children when you allow someone else to be a factor in your decision regarding their future. Yes, you choosing an affair is damaging to your children's future. I know. I faced some of those same decisions...and still will at some point.

 

I do not assume my wife knows about the affair.

 

...and don't assume at all that she is cheating or plans on leaving.

 

In fact I am religiously careful to avoid getting caught.

 

Do you pray that you won't get caught?

 

I am not proud to say it, but I could write a book on how to cheat and not get caught.

 

The story is not over. The ending may not be as pretty as it seems right now. Many guys could write that book, but they could also add a chapter on what happened when they did get caught.

 

My motivation for being so careful is that I want to respect my wife and my children.

 

*sputter, sputter* Do you mean this seriously? Perhaps what you are motivated by is the desire to keep your own outward respect. If you get caught, then your wife loses no respect. Your children lose no respect. However, THEY will all lose respect for you.

 

I do say that kindly.

 

 

There is no reason for them to know about something that I have decided will not disrupt our life together.

 

Unfortunately as long as there is someone else involved and it is in public, you do not have total control over if it will disrupt their life. Face it (and I say this because I would feel the same)...you don't want them to know because you don't want to disrupt YOUR life. This is all bout you and not them.

 

And I still have some very good times with my wife. She is smart, funny, capable and loving some of the time.

 

Having been there, I can say that if you decided to change your marriage despite not necessarily wanting it to change, the rewards would multiply. Those good times would increase. You would find ways to help her mental illness and increase the happy times in the family.

 

You have a unique position. You recognize the problem, and you still have your family. All you need to do is...act.

[gtoman4728]

Hmmm. Thanks for all the input. I think that the responses are 99% well intentioned and I thank you for that. There are simply too many detailed responses for me to reply to each of you so please accept my apologies. In the end, I think I am getting what I thought I would get which is a general condemnation of my actions.

 

I do think that this is a very powerful and emotional discussion for most if not all so it is a little hard to have a nuanced discussion but to the degree that is possible I think it sort of happened here.

 

Bottom line for me though is that this is an arrangement that works for me and I am going to continue with it. The three arguments against that hit the closest to home are:

 

1.0 if my mistress loves me it is doing her a disservice to string her along, even if I have encourage her to find another lover. This is a very complicated question and I have thought a lot about whether I am adding to her life or taking away from it and whether I am really helping her in the long term.

2.0 I shouldn't be spending money on anyone except my family. No question about this. I do not feel good about this. I try to rationalize it by saying I work hard and I have earned it, but this is a pretty lame argument i think.

3.0 I should not be doing something that I am not going to admit to my sons. This one really hits close to home.

 

 

 

None of you had any argument or understanding as to why this might be an acceptable and reasonable engagement I do not think. That is a reflection of our protestant culture here in the U.S. and the glorification of love and marriage. That can leave some feeling a little left out since many marriages do continue for valid and positive reasons long after the romance is gone and people are left to cope with that the best they can.

 

I am not on here to say I am a good person and I am not asking for your help. I was trying to connect with other men in a similar situation to share thoughts with them. In other words I was interested in finding thoughtful and good men who were in the same place I am, and like me, were happy with their decision and placing their family first. I kind of doubt that is going to happen.

[leonine]

Make no mistake - this site isn't full of Puritans. What people are calling you out on is the dishonesty, not that you're having a non-standard marriage. If you were having an open marriage, that would be no issue. The problem is that you're lying about who you are to the people who love you most. If you think that's "placing your family first", I think you're seriously in denial.

 

I'm curious. If your wife was on board with having an open marriage, how would you feel about it?

[promises]

is your mistress in love with you?

[FitChick]

Why won't you give your wife the opportunity to find a younger, hotter lover?

[gtoman4728]

There were two questions asked and so I will respond:

 

The first question was: How would you feel if your wife had a younger lover? Let's just say that I am not asking any questions about what my wife does when I am not around. I am past that. Is that good enough?

 

The second question was: Is your mistress in love with you? The answer to this is yes. This bothers me a lot. In fact I was thinking of posting another thread on this topic. I am helping her financially so she can go to school, I am helping her with her school work, and I am even encouraging her to have a real boyfriend. (and she has had a few since I have been with her) She is a lot younger than me and she came from an abusive background and I am not sure that her attachment to me (not such a healthy relationship for her) outweighs the benefits of the economic support and the support and guidance she gets from me. That is a point I could use some advice on.

[gtoman4728]

Someone else commented that what is wrong with what I am doing is that I am being dishonest. This does indeed make me very uncomfortable since I have spent my entire life being proud of my honesty and I actually take pride in being honest.

 

So I will answer that as best I can and I know many if not most of you will feel that this is a lame response and I am parsing words but it is the truth

 

My wife has never asked me whether I am having an affair and if she did I could not say no. Sometimes I wonder if she actually wants me to have an affair. Is this possible?

 

But to get back to the question of how I would respond if she asked me I would not say not but I would not yes either. But she would know if she asked me.

 

Is this just too weird? Well it is the way it is. That is who I am and that is where I am.

[mitchell]

There were two questions asked and so I will respond:

 

The first question was: How would you feel if your wife had a younger lover? Let's just say that I am not asking any questions about what my wife does when I am not around. I am past that. Is that good enough?

 

The second question was: Is your mistress in love with you? The answer to this is yes. This bothers me a lot. In fact I was thinking of posting another thread on this topic. I am helping her financially so she can go to school, I am helping her with her school work, and I am even encouraging her to have a real boyfriend. (and she has had a few since I have been with her) She is a lot younger than me and she came from an abusive background and I am not sure that her attachment to me (not such a healthy relationship for her) outweighs the benefits of the economic support and the support and guidance she gets from me. That is a point I could use some advice on.

 

If the money bothers you, try a little experiment. Tell your mistress you can no longer support her financially.

[JamesM]

Hmmm. Thanks for all the input. I think that the responses are 99% well intentioned and I thank you for that. There are simply too many detailed responses for me to reply to each of you so please accept my apologies. In the end, I think I am getting what I thought I would get which is a general condemnation of my actions.

 

I do think that this is a very powerful and emotional discussion for most if not all so it is a little hard to have a nuanced discussion but to the degree that is possible I think it sort of happened here.

 

Bottom line for me though is that this is an arrangement that works for me and I am going to continue with it.

 

Can't answer for others, but I can say that despite my objections to your choices, I understand why you are doing as you do. I simply think that you are going down a path that will be destructive to you. IMO it is already destructive to your family even if they are unaware of what you are doing.

 

Just as a drug fix works in the short term, so an affair works in the short term. Denying what can and probably will happen in the future may be the most damaging to you.

 

None of you had any argument or understanding as to why this might be an acceptable and reasonable engagement I do not think.

 

Certainly there is one that has been mentioned: open marriage. The do not ask, do not tell attitude that you think your wife has and you say you have isn't that.

 

That is a reflection of our protestant culture here in the U.S. and the glorification of love and marriage. That can leave some feeling a little left out since many marriages do continue for valid and positive reasons long after the romance is gone and people are left to cope with that the best they can.

 

I think it can be better said that the "glorification" is more about the respect we have for those who honor their commitments versus love and marriage. While I am not for divorce, I do think a secret affair is a few steps below a public breaking of the marriage.

 

Coping with a bad situation is certainly not unusual. Many of us have lived in marriages that others thought were unfixable. You and I have a choice: live with something, leave something, of fix that something. The other choice that is there is avoiding something. You are avoiding it and in the process damaging it further.

 

I am not on here to say I am a good person and I am not asking for your help. I was trying to connect with other men in a similar situation to share thoughts with them. In other words I was interested in finding thoughtful and good men who were in the same place I am, and like me, were happy with their decision and placing their family first. I kind of doubt that is going to happen.

 

I have been in a situation very similar to yours. My wife's illness included mental, emotional, and physical pain. My wife was sexually abused by her father for years as a child. I am certainly a candidate to be a "thoughtful and good" man who has been in the same place as you.

 

I simply made a different choice. Easy? No. Read my many posts here as I have vented and let my mind empty on here. Rewarding? Much more so than a once a month tryst with a young lady.

 

We all make choices when faced with tough situations. How we choose says more about us than those around us.

[JamesM]

T

The first question was: How would you feel if your wife had a younger lover? Let's just say that I am not asking any questions about what my wife does when I am not around. I am past that. Is that good enough?

 

Interesting point to make is that more than one man who said that he didn't care if his wife found another man quickly changed his mind when it actually happened. IMO you are making these comments and rationalizations as a way to justify your own actions.

 

The second question was: Is your mistress in love with you? The answer to this is yes. This bothers me a lot. In fact I was thinking of posting another thread on this topic. I am helping her financially so she can go to school, I am helping her with her school work, and I am even encouraging her to have a real boyfriend. (and she has had a few since I have been with her) She is a lot younger than me and she came from an abusive background and I am not sure that her attachment to me (not such a healthy relationship for her) outweighs the benefits of the economic support and the support and guidance she gets from me. That is a point I could use some advice on.

 

I will take back what I said. From this comment, it sounds as if she doesn't have four men vying for her attention. It does sound like you are the main one. If she does love you, then yes, you are doing her a great disservice while doing your wife and kids a greater disservice.

 

Candidly speaking, the kind of relationship you want IS better found with a high end escort who is there to service you once a month. You will still get personal companionship and also have sexual intimacy. Not saying that I advocate it, but it would be a lot less concerning than being with a woman who could disrupt your life. At least an escort would not care about you beyond the hour or two you spend with her.

 

If you need the physical release, then choose an escort who won't get emotionally attached to you but will fill the void you have.

 

Someone else commented that what is wrong with what I am doing is that I am being dishonest. This does indeed make me very uncomfortable since I have spent my entire life being proud of my honesty and I actually take pride in being honest.

 

And yet you are not being honest with your wife, children or even yourself? The individuals who are the most important in your life.

 

My wife has never asked me whether I am having an affair and if she did I could not say no. Sometimes I wonder if she actually wants me to have an affair. Is this possible?

 

Being honest, I think if she asked, then you would evade an honest answer. In that moment it would be very difficult to face the possibility of losing either woman.

 

Does she want you to have an affair? I highly doubt it. Nobody wants to feel that emotional pain. Having said that, it is possible that if she is having an affair, then she would be able to justify hers when she discovered that you were having one.

 

And then my thoughts go to the children...what a mixed up family life they have?

 

No, I doubt she wants you to have an affair, nor do I think she is having one, nor do I think she expects you to be less than trustworthy especially of SHE thinks you pride yourself on being honest.

 

But to get back to the question of how I would respond if she asked me I would not say not but I would not yes either. But she would know if she asked me.

 

So you would evade it? Not actually an honest answer to a question, but yes she would know.

 

Is this just too weird?

 

Actually, no. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am not really any different.

 

 

Well it is the way it is.

 

But it can be changed.

 

That is who I am and that is where I am.

 

Are you happy with who you are and where you are at this point?

 

If you could change your life and yourself, then what would be different? How would you change it? And why don't you?

 

I know that some of what I said seems harsh. I really am not a harsh or critical person. It is that sometimes the words need to be said and without it being said in person, it seems less caring than they are.

 

I admire you for examining yourself and better understanding where you are. I do think that you do seek advice and a way out of this potential mess.

[waterwoman]

james - the main difference between you and the OP though is that you seemed to love your wife a great deal still. I don't get that impression from this poster.