A mistress for two years running

[pteromom]

My wife has never asked me whether I am having an affair and if she did I could not say no. Sometimes I wonder if she actually wants me to have an affair. Is this possible?

 

Maybe - but she isn't getting the opportunity to have a say in it.

 

So yes - you are being dishonest. Lying by omission is still lying.

 

How would you feel if she just didn't tell you information that affects YOU? Like... she has racked up $50K in credit card debt. Or she is helping to pay HER lover's expenses with your family money.

 

Your affair affects her. It affects her marriage. It affects her family money. And it is VERY dishonest of you not to give her a say in your choices that affect her.

[nofool4u]

There were two questions asked and so I will respond:

 

The first question was: How would you feel if your wife had a younger lover?

 

No you were asked why you wouldn't give your wife the opportunity to find a younger/hotter lover.

 

In other words, why don't you divorce and set her free from you so she can be single again and pursue other men.

 

 

The second question was: Is your mistress in love with you? The answer to this is yes. This bothers me a lot.

 

So it bothers you to hurt the OW and that she is in love with you, and this is your main concern? Not your wife, but the OW?

 

 

In fact I was thinking of posting another thread on this topic. I am helping her financially so she can go to school

 

 

So you are using marital money to give to OW?? Half of whatever you give the OW belongs to your wife. You are stealing from your wife now and giving to the OW.

 

 

She is a lot younger than me and she came from an abusive background and I am not sure that her attachment to me (not such a healthy relationship for her) outweighs the benefits of the economic support and the support and guidance she gets from me. That is a point I could use some advice on.

 

Advice? Stop giving it to her. Again, this is robbing your wife of marital assets by giving it to OW. I don't care if OW is in love with you or not. You want to give her money or keep having an affair with her? Then divorce your wife. Then once you are divorced, you can give her the farm if you like, and your wife can move on with her life.

Edited February 20, 2013 by nofool4u

[promises]

The second question was: Is your mistress in love with you? The answer to this is yes. This bothers me a lot. In fact I was thinking of posting another thread on this topic. I am helping her financially so she can go to school, I am helping her with her school work, and I am even encouraging her to have a real boyfriend. (and she has had a few since I have been with her) She is a lot younger than me and she came from an abusive background and I am not sure that her attachment to me (not such a healthy relationship for her) outweighs the benefits of the economic support and the support and guidance she gets from me. That is a point I could use some advice on.

 

Well, you are giving her very destructive guidance. Acting as a father figure (supporting her through school, encouraging her to date, helping her with her school work) and then you are screwing her and emotionally messing with a younger girl, who probably isn't even fully cognitively developed yet.

 

Something may be wrong with you to believe that this gives you worth. I'm worried about your 'other woman' quite a bit.

[ComingInHot]

gtoman (aka; suga daddy. ) lol, I'm just kidding w/you... kind of*

 

So, quick question, are you "rollin' in cash?"

 

If you Are then great! You are then NOT "de-contributing" to the wellfare & future etc of your W & children and retirement.

If you are changing things behind your W & kids backs then you sure as HE$$ better not get "caught" cause it could get REALLY ugly..

 

My H didn't spend much more than two dinners on his exOW. If he had taken our money & gave crap-loads to her leaving the kids & I needing, well let's just say he'd be minus two bank account & plus two new "friends". Actually they'd be My friends from D's R US Associates.

 

You prepared for that Man18yrsolder??

[gtoman4728]

OK I get it. Advice and response is 10:1 or 100:1 against me, or shall I say for me to work on my marriage and I think become romantic with my wife again. Many think I am a bad person, or at least flawed. I expected this. I am not going to ratchet up the conversation here. I have listened to you and I thank you for your opinions.

 

I would like to close by saying that there are very valid and powerful and good reasons for staying in a marriage even when the romance has worn off. This is especially true when children are involved. And many people (men and women) do then turn to something outside the marriage to find physical and emotional closure. Most of your comments did not seem to address this in a very insightful and probing and mature way.

[gtoman4728]

Oh yes one more thing Promises. My "younger girl" is 37. She is mature enough to decide whether or not she wants to be with me.

[gtoman4728]

The reason I don't divorce my wife is because we have lovely children, we have been married for more than 20 years, we have joint financial commitments, and I like my wife.

 

The reason I am more concerned about my wife than the OW is because my wife is better able to deal with life emotionally and financially. My wife is a career professional and she will be Ok no matter what happens with me.

 

As for money I am 100% behind my obligations as a father and husband and I have never fallen down in this area. If I have a little extra money after these obligations have been filled it is no one's business but my own what I do with it.

[JamesM]

I would like to close by saying that there are very valid and powerful and good reasons for staying in a marriage even when the romance has worn off. This is especially true when children are involved. And many people (men and women) do then turn to something outside the marriage to find physical and emotional closure. Most of your comments did not seem to address this in a very insightful and probing and mature way.

 

Yes, there are. I agree that staying for the kids is a good one. And at your age (about 55), it does get harder to start over. It is much easier to get the second woman before ending it with the first one.

 

Honestly, I do understand. I don't stand in judgment above you.

 

And yes, there are ways to satisfy the physical needs not being met in the marriage by seeking it outside of the marriage. However, if I were to come at it from your POV, then I question if an affair is the best way. I would still hold that a high end escort would be better and less risky for ruining your marriage since you want to keep it.

 

Oh yes one more thing Promises. My "younger girl" is 37. She is mature enough to decide whether or not she wants to be with me.

 

Yes, she is. Not meaning to be harsh, but she should also be mature enough to know that dating a married man isn't good for her. That doesn't seem to be the case. I reckon that you should be mature enough to realize that what you are doing isn't good for your family or wife or kids. But you do it.

 

Age is never a sign of maturity. Being just five years younger than you, I am mature enough to realize that I am not always mature enough.

 

I do get it. You wanted to get some conversations going with people who have made the same decision that you did when faced with the situation that you were faced with. This would give you some affirmation that your decisions is not a bad one. It would give you a bit of, shall we say, fellowship. Instead you have received advice from people who have been in your situation and made a different choice or you have received advice from spouses whose partners made the same choice you did (or similar) when faced with a less than satisfying marriage. If you do a search, then I think you can find some forums that will give you more "attaboys" for the choices you have made, than you will ever find here.

 

You have decided to have an affair while married. Even having been where you are, I don't see it as the best one. Faced with a situation similar to yours, I chose differently.

[nofool4u]

The reason I don't divorce my wife is because we have lovely children, we have been married for more than 20 years, we have joint financial commitments, and I like my wife.

 

And again, you are giving money to the OW, of which half of that money is your wife's. You are stealing from her and giving to the OW.

 

As for money I am 100% behind my obligations as a father and husband and I have never fallen down in this area. If I have a little extra money after these obligations have been filled it is no one's business but my own what I do with it.

 

 

Yes, it is. Again, you are using marital money to give it to the OW. Its not just YOUR money. Half of it is your wife's.

 

It is most certainly your wife's business where the money goes.

 

So you don't feel it is any of your wife's business that you are taking from her and giving to the OW?

[gtoman4728]

Thanks for all your posts. I think I am moving on now. It has been very instructive to get your input.

 

I would like to close with one thought. I think if I shared my side of the story more completely many of you would have been more understanding. You wouldn't condone my actions but you would appreciate more fully how my situation came about.

 

I have chosen not to talk much about my wife because she has been a caring and engaged mother and has tried her best to be a good partner to me. But that is not all there is to her. After many years of continually seeing a different side of someone a man gets worn down.

 

Some men might have a strategy of building their own defense and staying strong by finding what they are not getting in their marriage through a mistress. Some men might find a mistress that is not a marriage threat precisely because they do not want to disrupt the marriage for very good reasons which I will outline one more time:

 

Lovely children, 25 years of shared history, joint financial commitments, a friendly relationship with the spouse.

 

This outcome has numerous advantages but the biggest and to me the most important one is that it facilitates the family unit staying intact. It is considered an immoral arrangement here in our country but it is more widely accepted other places in the world.

 

And that is where I am for today. Thanks again.

[CarboniteCammy]

Did you expect people to encourage you to continue having an affair on your life mate? Did you think that you would get a rousing cheer when people saw that you are taking money away from your wife and kids and giving it to some sleaze ball girlfriend?

 

And then you justify what you're doing by saying that it's OK in other countries... What kind of justification is that, anyway? I can try to use Canadian dollars all I want to try to pay for my food, but I really doubt that the waiter will appreciate my argument that it works in other countries hahaha

 

Ridiculous.

 

Just own what you are and what you're doing. Stop making excuses and trying to make it seem "right" in your head. You're obviously not going to stop, so why would it matter to you what a forum full of strangers think about your silly justifications, anyway?

[2sure]

Seriously, you think you invented this stuff?

[JamesM]

I would like to close with one thought. I think if I shared my side of the story more completely many of you would have been more understanding. You wouldn't condone my actions but you would appreciate more fully how my situation came about.

 

We could swap stories and find many commonalities. The one thing we would have different is...how we responded to the situation we are in. Did my wife desire to live a life of pain? No. Did your wife desire to be bipolar? No. Did you and I vow for better or for worse to be faithful and be a husband to our wives? Yes. Would our wives desire that they could be better wives? My guess is yes.

 

I have chosen not to talk much about my wife because she has been a caring and engaged mother and has tried her best to be a good partner to me. But that is not all there is to her. After many years of continually seeing a different side of someone a man gets worn down.

 

Tell me about it. It is very exhausting and frustrating to be rejected and to be both parents. It isn't easy. Many are the times that I wish my life were different.

 

Every house has their cross. Even though you think yours is unique and difficult, you find when you get to know someone else that yours is just different but not more difficult.

 

Some men might have a strategy of building their own defense and staying strong by finding what they are not getting in their marriage through a mistress. Some men might find a mistress that is not a marriage threat precisely because they do not want to disrupt the marriage...

 

...and many men would find a way to make their marriage and life happier without choosing an avenue that breaks the vow of commitment that they made to their wife.

 

for very good reasons which I will outline one more time:

 

Lovely children, 25 years of shared history, joint financial commitments, a friendly relationship with the spouse.

 

Many men would love to have what you have. They would do everything in their power to make their spouse's life easier and better instead of taking that energy and money to some other woman's house and helping her.

 

This outcome has numerous advantages but the biggest and to me the most important one is that it facilitates the family unit staying intact.

 

No, the biggest advantage to you is that you get sex without having to fix your marriage. It keeps your family intact by false means. It delays the d-day.

 

It is considered an immoral arrangement here in our country but it is more widely accepted other places in the world.

 

Cannibalism is accepted in other parts of the world, too.

 

It is not about immorality but about your family. If your wife agreed to this arrangement, then it is okay. But you have not given her the choice.

 

And that is where I am for today. Thanks again.

 

You are welcome.

[leonine]

You are habitually lying to the people who love you and who you claim matter most to you. You are spending family money in secret on an outsider. You are stringing along your OW who loves you. You are too cowardly to deal with any of these issues head-on.

 

What were we thinking criticizing your decision making abilities? High-five, dude!!

[CarboniteCammy]

Pssssshh- I don't feel one bit sorry for the OW in this case. She's fully aware he has a wife, and I bet she knows he has kids. She knowingly syphons money away from their family unit, so in my mind she's just as culpable as he is.

 

Anyone who is morally compromised enough to take money in exchange for sex on the side (and who knows what else) while trying to date other men is probably not going to make anyone much of a partner; at least until she really starts working on building some self respect.

 

Someone like that would probably say anything to anyone. For all the OP knows, she's someone's fiancee.

 

On his end, he could easily find someone who can do what she does. It's not legal in a few states, but escort services do exist and that way there's no talk of "love." It just is what it is and the women are there for one purpose, to make money.

 

That girlfriend of his is really only a step or two away from prostitution in my mind, although I'm sure many would probably split hairs and say that it's not the same thing at all. But who knows how many of her other "boyfriends" are paying her for the same things that OP is?

[2sunny]

Do you have a question?

[nofool4u]

Thanks for all your posts. I think I am moving on now. It has been very instructive to get your input.

 

I would like to close with one thought. I think if I shared my side of the story more completely many of you would have been more understanding. You wouldn't condone my actions but you would appreciate more fully how my situation came about.

 

No, I wouldn't.

[nofool4u]

With OP giving his AND wife's money to OW, the wife has a case for alienation of affection if her state still has that law.

[2sunny]

Nothing you could say makes your lies right within your M. Stop thinking you can justify your bad behavior.

 

Cut off any and all money/gifts to your OW IF you want to find out if she really "loves you".

 

Your W deserves to know what kind of man she's REALLY married to...right now your not the man she THINKS you are. For that basis alone -coupled with all your lies - there is no marriage... You have single handedly ruined what she thought she had.