Why does my husband treat me this way?

[Darcprincess]

I have been with my husband since I was 13 yrs old I am now 24 and we just got married a little over a yr ago we have a 6 yr old daughter and he is a wonderful dad but he is really mean to me most of the time he has been physically abusive in our past but that has that has stopped and now we just argue over every little thing it's like he can't stand being around me and I have left him for months and months before and then he tells me he has changed and he wants nothing more than to be with me and begs for me to come home and he does change for a while then it all goes back and he always blames it on something else as to why he treats me this way I just don't know why he does and says such mean things to me I try to love on him as much as I can and he accepts that most of the time but he never comes to me unless he wants to have sex please help me to understand why.

[KraftDinner]

I honestly don't mean to be rude, but add some punctuation to this and you'll get a lot more feedback.

 

Couldn't make it past the first 3 lines.

[D-Lish]

Maybe a better question to ask is why YOU put up with such bad treatment.

 

Why does he treat you badly? First and foremost is because you allow it.

[Darcprincess]

Well I put up with it because I love him and even after all the bad things he has said and done to me. And I know that the person I met and fell in love with is still in there. Sometimes he can be the sweetest person I've ever met, but that's maybe once a month I just want to know what I can do to keep that person and not the mean vulgar person that I don't like!!! And he has changed the part of him that use to beat me, and that makes me think he can change this part of him to... I leave and he cries and gets on his knees and begs me to stay.

[Darcprincess]

Maybe a better question to ask is why YOU put up with such bad treatment.

 

Why does he treat you badly? First and foremost is because you allow it.

sorry I just joined this tonight and still trying to figure it out but the answer above this one is for your response

[CC12]

You should do some research on abusive relationships. A lot of what you've shared here are pretty much textbook things that abusers do. Google "cycle of abuse." It describes the "he's sometimes nice and then he's really mean" thing. Also look up emotional abuse.

 

I know none of that will tell you exactly why he treats you that way. You'll probably never know. I think you're asking this because you want to know how you can fix it and what you need to do to make him stop being mean to you. The thing is, it's not your fault that he's like that. There's nothing you can do to make him stop being an abuser. It's all his own problem. He needs help, and he needs it from someone other than you. You can't help him with this. You shouldn't stick around waiting for him to get better. That's not your responsibility, especially when helping him will only cause you more damage.

 

And I know that the person I met and fell in love with is still in there.

I'd like to address this part, but I'd like to know how old he is before I do. Is he your age, or is he older?

 

 

Also, how long has it been since he last got physical with you? Grabbing, pushing, hitting, etc.

[Thegameoflife]

Most people are not very good at solving interpersonal problems. Most people emulate what they saw in relationships as they grew up. Most likely he simply has a poor ability to manage his emotions. Hurting people, hurt people.

[LoveMyWifey]

I agree with Thegameoflife. It is easy to blame other people for your own lack of willingness to take responsibility for your own "stuff".

 

Ultimately it is about his lack of respect for you and control over you. He is dominating you in order to control you. It takes a real man to support his wife and help her with confidence and love for herself. Not the opposite.

 

I watched a movie the other day with a great line which I think may help shed some light on your question. Don't quote me but it goes something like "We accept the love that we think we deserve."

 

I listened to this marriage counsellor lady once and she said something like "When women stop rewarding men for bad behaviour they will stop doing it." If women did not stand for this sort of childish insecurities from men out of respect for their selves then these men would have to change out of necessity. Now please don't get me wrong, you are not responsible for his actions. Nobody "makes" you do anything. We all have a choice and your Husband blames you for his. But when you ask about wanting to understand why he does this, it is because you let him. You cannot change him, only he can do that. What you can do is choose for yourself what you must do and not blame yourself for his actions.

 

You are an expression of this beautiful thing we call life, and a such, are worthy of all the love that can be given you. You deserve to be loved.

[NervisPervis]

How did you get him to stop hitting you? He saw it was bad and he stopped. Was that when you left? You came back and he stopped?

 

He saw there were serious consequences to his physicall abuse. You probably need to do the same thing to get rid of the emotional abuse.

 

You didn't see ANY of this in him before you had a child with him? Before you married him?

 

I'm not trying to blame you, but my wife has many of the same issues you have. She's now a walk-away. Still here in the house with me and the kids, but emotionally gone. Will be forever. I don't see any difference between the "me" she married and the "me" she left.

 

I think I can educate my boys on how to act in a marriage. What to expect. I think I can help them. I don't know how to educate my daughter on how NOT to get stuck in a situation like yours.

 

What did you see? What did you know but ignore? How can I help my daughter? How can you use YOUR experience to help others stay out of this mess?

 

You need to fix things. You need the heal. And you owe it to future generations to help end this cycle of abuse. All of these other fine people will tell you to leave him. And you probably should. Then the cycle continues.

 

My wife fixed me. But she had to destroy our marriage to do it. I wish she could have done it before she "left" me. I found out in one awful 10 second coversation the following:

 

1 - My wife doesn't love me. Hadn't for a long time.

2 - My wife left this marriage and will never come back.

3 - IT'S MY FAULT.

 

You think that won't change someone? Right. Think I'm going to come CLOSE to any of the behavior that caused me to lose my wife, my happy family? No way. But it's too late for me. Probably for you too. But we've got to use this knowledge now to help others NOT do the same things me and you husband did. Things you may have done.

[zackburnet]

Husband approach you because to have sex?. Can not be like that. He has to take care of you. Why would he beat you? Is it because you made a mistake? He was not supposed to do that.

[BetheButterfly]

I have been with my husband since I was 13 yrs old I am now 24 and we just got married a little over a yr ago we have a 6 yr old daughter and he is a wonderful dad but he is really mean to me most of the time he has been physically abusive in our past but that has that has stopped and now we just argue over every little thing it's like he can't stand being around me and I have left him for months and months before and then he tells me he has changed and he wants nothing more than to be with me and begs for me to come home and he does change for a while then it all goes back and he always blames it on something else as to why he treats me this way I just don't know why he does and says such mean things to me I try to love on him as much as I can and he accepts that most of the time but he never comes to me unless he wants to have sex please help me to understand why.

 

 

I don't know why he treats you like that, but I can tell you that is unacceptable. A husband is supposed to love his wife and be a team WITH her, not be mean to her and be AGAINST her.

 

What you need to do, in my opinion, is to lay down boundaries. I think it would be good for you and your child to go to a safe place, then for you to call him and tell him something like this.

 

"I love you very much. It makes me sad how you treat me. Love does not equal being mean, and I feel you are being mean to me with how you talk to me. I understand that we think differently in many ways, but that's not a good reason to be mean to each other. I need to lay down some boundaries in order to protect my heart, as well as to show our daughter that it is not acceptable for men to be mean to her. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's ok for men to attack her in any way, whether physically or verbally. She needs to see that a man can be loving and kind to the woman who loves him.

 

The boundaries are this:

 

When we argue, we won't say mean things to each other but rather work on the issue with mutual respect and kindness.

 

Friendship needs to be developed between us. We need to have fun together and not just base our relationship only around sex.

 

...?

 

IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH ME WITH THESE BOUNDARIES, THAN I WILL HAVE TO NO LONGER LIVE WITH YOU.

 

Please consider them with the knowledge that I love you and want us to have a wonderful, happy, and healthy relationship."

 

You don't have to use those exact words at all, but basically, you need to stand up for yourself and establish boundaries. It's fine to argue... my husband and I argue a lot but we make it fun. Now, there have been times I've said mean things to him but he's forgiven me and I try very hard to not be mean. He also has said some mean things to me without thinking first (sometimes it's easy to say something without thinking) One example is when he told me a decoration I made was "ugly." I was not happy about that and was going to throw it away, and yes my feelings were hurt, but he apologized and insisted we keep it. Come to think of it, I think I'm going to throw it away today and see if he notices... ? He might not even notice lol. (It's not a big deal; I made the decoration while I was babysitting and doing arts/crafts with the kids.. they made theirs and I made a decoration too!)

 

Anyways, it's really important to argue without hurting each other verbally. You need to take a stand for that, and you need to be strong and if he breaks that boundary continually (without apologizing and striving to talk to you with respect, kindness, and love), then you do need to think if you want this example to be given to your daughter...

[Millard]

Well I put up with it because I love him even after all the bad things he has said and done to me.

 

Well, there's your problem right there..