same time next year

[natty moppet]

I have never been unfaithful to my spouse before, but after 15 years, I want to have an affair. Of course, I do not want my spouse to know, nor do I want to carry on day after day with the 'other man'. I think a 'same time next year' type of arrangement might fulfill my need for this other person, while not becoming too complicated and involving all kinds of unnecessary sneaking around. Am I crazy?

[mitchell]

What unfulfilled desires are you seeking to quench with such an arrangement? Have you asked yourself this question?

 

Perhaps you could find those needs met by your husband if you spoke with him.

[TigerCub]

Yeah that sounds like a fool proof plan you go there - it can't fail!!

 

What's really going on?

You've been with someone and have been faithful for 15 years - why are you willing to throw all that away so easily?

[natty moppet]

Mainly, I am bored with our physical relationship, which I have tried (unsuccessfully)to ignite. He is still very much into me, but I am not as attracted to him anymore. Still, I love him very much.

[TigerCub]

Then discuss an open marriage. But don't cheat.

[natty moppet]

I did discuss that with him, as well as separation. He does not want either. He wants to work at it, but we have been down that road many times before.

 

I am on here to try to talk myself out of it, I guess. The OM is a friend that we have known for many years, and he is in a similar circumstance with his SO. We have had a flirtatious relationship for a couple years now, but nothing physical yet. Just lots in common in terms of interests and personality.

[TigerCub]

So you know the possible OM's wife and your husband knows this guy and you really think that it will be all smooth sailing and no one will get hurt?

 

I don't understand people.

You say that you talked about a possible separation, but he was against it - so does that mean that YOU can't decide to separate?

 

I'm sure if you told him the options are to either separate or get cheated on and played for a fool - then maybe his choice will be different.

 

Have you thought of maybe doing some marriage counseling or seeing a sex therapist?

 

I think if you told your husband how truly serious the situation is right now, he would be willing to at least try.

 

What is it that your husband is not doing for you?

[Turtles]

All moral considerations aside, I think it will be very hard to maintain it to that level with someone you know personally. It sounds like you already have a budding "emotional affair" going on anyway, if the 2 of you have been flirting for a while. The first time sex is likely to be great with you being frustrated at home for so long and it will quickly escalate from that. You can't just go into that as a "one-time thing" - realize that there is a good chance it will lead to your divorce within a year or 2, then you will be left with the guilt of having betrayed your husband's trust and your word.

 

Are you really looking for an exit affair, something that will let you turn the table and make it your husband's (forced) decision once he finds out? This is what I did, and while I am happy with the outcome now it has been a long and painful road and I wish now I had done things differently.. so just don't go into this with your eyes closed.

[natty moppet]

I really do know it is a horrible idea. Maybe I'm trying to justify it to myself...

At one time, I would have been so against any type of 'stepping out'. It really is so against my faith and belief's system. I am just fairly certain that I should not have married my husband. He has lots of anger issues that he cannot/won't resolve. I am irritated and bored with him. That said, I do not wish to end the marriage...at least not now. We still have smallish children, as does the OM.

[Turtles]

I understand you feel caught between a rock and a hard place, I guess your husband's issues are not severe enough for you to consider putting your kids through a divorce, it's bound to get worse if you continue distancing yourself from him though and they will notice at some point... can you not make more of an effort to reach out to him?

 

Do you think the detachment / irritation / boredom with your husband may have something to do with the flirtatious relationship with your friend? It's hard to put things in perspective when you are caught up in the excitement of imagining what could be with that other person. Also why do you believe that having sex once a year will make that more bearable?? That would just be taking things from the level of arguably "emotional affair", to a physical affair - like putting oil on the fire. It will just make it more difficult to make a clear decision if anything.

[carhill]

While I never could have imagined it as a younger person, definitely not as a teenager when I first saw it in the theater, that old movie the thread topic refers to has gained more traction in the realm of 'possible' as the decades have flown by. I could see how some people could easily do that. I've met a lot of them over the years.

 

I don't recommend it personally but it does work for some people. OP, if you're positive this is a healthy choice for you, how do you envision it as a choice for your spouse? You assert you can 'control' yourself, so the same applies to your spouse, correct? Do you envision a synergy of perspective on this matter? Why?

[LoveMyWifey]

I think that demonising your Husband makes it easy to justify your intentions and relieves you from the responsibility of doing what needs to be done for the sake of your marriage.

 

If what you have tried to work on with your Husband in the past has not worked so try something else. Counselling, anything. When you have exhausted every possible avenue and your concience is clear then file for divorce.

 

The odds are that you will get caught and the trauma you will have inflicted on both of your families will be your responsibility and from your selfishness. I wonder if you knew that there was a 100% chance of getting caught, would you still do it? You don't want to give up your family for this so don't risk it.

 

There is no way you can rationalise this and make it a once a year thing. You are emotionally and sexually starved and once you do this your brain will release oxytocin and dopamine which is your brains equivient to heroin and cocaine. You won't be able to stop.

 

Not all guys want to work on their relationships but give him the chance to the point of your concience being clear. Then if need be, file for divorce.

[natty moppet]

I think that demonising your Husband makes it easy to justify your intentions and relieves you from the responsibility of doing what needs to be done for the sake of your marriage.

 

If what you have tried to work on with your Husband in the past has not worked so try something else. Counselling, anything. When you have exhausted every possible avenue and your concience is clear then file for divorce.

 

The odds are that you will get caught and the trauma you will have inflicted on both of your families will be your responsibility and from your selfishness. I wonder if you knew that there was a 100% chance of getting caught, would you still do it? You don't want to give up your family for this so don't risk it.

 

There is no way you can rationalise this and make it a once a year thing. You are emotionally and sexually starved and once you do this your brain will release oxytocin and dopamine which is your brains equivient to heroin and cocaine. You won't be able to stop.

 

Not all guys want to work on their relationships but give him the chance to the point of your concience being clear. Then if need be, file for divorce.

 

You are probably right--the odds are that we will get caught, even if it is only once a year. That's why I like the once a year bit--much less chance. I don't even know if the OM would agree to that-probably not. To your point though, if I knew I would be caught, I would not take the risk. The alternative, that I stay emotionally and sexually starved, is the answer then.

 

I am not trying to demonize my H either. I just think our issues are complex and difficult and largely fall on him. For the record though, we have tried counseling. I have tried talking, yelling, threatening, crying, pleading, etc. I'm not sure there really is a solution for happiness with this man. Still, I made a commitment and I will not file for divorce. That is not an option for me at this time. I am not going to break up my family so that I can have a better sex life. My children are young and if we divorced, we would not be in a position financially to provide them with the education and other things they deserve.

 

Still, the idea of having this man for one weekend a year is so tempting to me. I really feel like I could be satisfied with that. There is something wildly exciting about leaving your real life for an alternative one if its only for a weekend. I absolutely do not want to manage an ongoing affair.

[animalover]

You are probably right--the odds are that we will get caught, even if it is only once a year. That's why I like the once a year bit--much less chance. I don't even know if the OM would agree to that-probably not. To your point though, if I knew I would be caught, I would not take the risk. The alternative, that I stay emotionally and sexually starved, is the answer then.

 

I am not trying to demonize my H either. I just think our issues are complex and difficult and largely fall on him. For the record though, we have tried counseling. I have tried talking, yelling, threatening, crying, pleading, etc. I'm not sure there really is a solution for happiness with this man. Still, I made a commitment and I will not file for divorce. That is not an option for me at this time. I am not going to break up my family so that I can have a better sex life. My children are young and if we divorced, we would not be in a position financially to provide them with the education and other things they deserve.

 

Still, the idea of having this man for one weekend a year is so tempting to me. I really feel like I could be satisfied with that. There is something wildly exciting about leaving your real life for an alternative one if its only for a weekend. I absolutely do not want to manage an ongoing affair.

 

Honestly... I don't think you can be good wife or even a good mother if you feel like jeopardizing your husband well being and the security of a healthy family for your children just to enjoy a weekend of sexual pleasure...

 

Do you realize the way your husband would feel humiliated if he would find out even that you are contemplating this idea? Do you know what that would do to his manhood? Do you actually care at all about him?

 

Cheating is always and act of selfishness, is putting your own selfish needs above all the people that would result damaged from your actions... how can you value sexual pleasure with another man above of your family? I just can't get to understand how people can get so low...

[Turtles]

You are probably right--the odds are that we will get caught, even if it is only once a year. That's why I like the once a year bit--much less chance. I don't even know if the OM would agree to that-probably not. To your point though, if I knew I would be caught, I would not take the risk. The alternative, that I stay emotionally and sexually starved, is the answer then.

 

I am not trying to demonize my H either. I just think our issues are complex and difficult and largely fall on him. For the record though, we have tried counseling. I have tried talking, yelling, threatening, crying, pleading, etc. I'm not sure there really is a solution for happiness with this man. Still, I made a commitment and I will not file for divorce. That is not an option for me at this time. I am not going to break up my family so that I can have a better sex life. My children are young and if we divorced, we would not be in a position financially to provide them with the education and other things they deserve.

 

Still, the idea of having this man for one weekend a year is so tempting to me. I really feel like I could be satisfied with that. There is something wildly exciting about leaving your real life for an alternative one if its only for a weekend. I absolutely do not want to manage an ongoing affair.

 

I can see your point but try & empathize with your husband. I would hope if my wife ever got to that point she would tell me so we can work something out. Maybe we both do one weekend a year. You're trying to avoid conflict right now. It's a natural reaction but you will regret it when your conscience catches up with you. Unless your husband is violent, you should be able to bring it up with him. It will cause an argument, that's not a bad thing. Do you work or is your husband the only breadwinner? I can see how that would make a divorce more difficult & scary.

[animalover]

Ok funny woman... can you tell me how having sex one weekend a year with another man will help your marriage and will make your more happy the other 363 days of the year? It is funny how you try to sell yourself that you do this for a higher reason or something instead than the pure truth... that you lust after another guy...

 

You are putting your lust above the well being of your husband and above of the family comfort of your children... It is a very selfish thing to do...

[natty moppet]

Ok funny woman... can you tell me how having sex one weekend a year with another man will help your marriage and will make your more happy the other 363 days of the year? It is funny how you try to sell yourself that you do this for a higher reason or something instead than the pure truth... that you lust after another guy...

 

You are putting your lust above the well being of your husband and above of the family comfort of your children... It is a very selfish thing to do...

 

Animal lover...I think the lust part is already a given here. It seems pretty obvious that I am lusting after another, but I'm not trying to sell myself anything. I am trying to talk myself out of it.

Life must be really easy for you as you seem to see everything in black and white. It must be great to know everything and feel good about judging everyone else.

My marriage is complicated, my husband is not pure. My children are wonderful and I want to do all I can for them, and apparently that does mean sacrificing my personal happiness. As I said before, I am not willing to get divorced for my children. But having said that, I'm am unlikely to be truly happy with my husband either.

As for my ability to mother, you can judge me all you like...I have sacrificed my career to spend 8 years at home with them-a choice I am thankful to have made and to have had support for.

It is probably very stupid to entertain even the idea of an affair. That is why I do it on an anonymous forum. I could never process these thoughts with anyone in my life. We only get one life, and navigating that life is not always easy.

[animalover]

Animal lover...I think the lust part is already a given here. It seems pretty obvious that I am lusting after another, but I'm not trying to sell myself anything. I am trying to talk myself out of it.

Life must be really easy for you as you seem to see everything in black and white. It must be great to know everything and feel good about judging everyone else.

My marriage is complicated, my husband is not pure. My children are wonderful and I want to do all I can for them, and apparently that does mean sacrificing my personal happiness. As I said before, I am not willing to get divorced for my children. But having said that, I'm am unlikely to be truly happy with my husband either.

As for my ability to mother, you can judge me all you like...I have sacrificed my career to spend 8 years at home with them-a choice I am thankful to have made and to have had support for.

It is probably very stupid to entertain even the idea of an affair. That is why I do it on an anonymous forum. I could never process these thoughts with anyone in my life. We only get one life, and navigating that life is not always easy.

 

Relationships are NEVER easy... they all have their up and downs...

If you are really so unhappy with your husband you should file for divorce... using your children as an excuse to don't divorce and hence cheat on your husband is lame since you and your husband can keep educating your children together after divorce too...

Stop using others to justify what you want to do... you still have not answer my questions... how having sex one weekend with one guy will make you happy for the other 363 days of the year? How will that solve the fact that you are not happy with your husband? How will it save you from your future with someone you don't love?

 

No matter what you are living at home... you are just looking for excuses to bang this guy you are lusting for...and guess what ... there are no valid excuses for cheating... cheating is wrong! I once read in this forum a sentence I really liked... "cheating doesn't solve problems... just create new ones"

 

If you can't work in your marriage I strongly advise you to divorce your husband. You also deserve to be happy and while things will be difficult at the beginning, after some time you will be happy you did the right thing.

If you cheat... not only will be likely that your husband will divorce you but will be a non amicable either... will that be better for your children?

[natty moppet]

Relationships are NEVER easy... they all have their up and downs...

If you are really so unhappy with your husband you should file for divorce... using your children as an excuse to don't divorce and hence cheat on your husband is lame since you and your husband can keep educating your children together after divorce too...

Stop using others to justify what you want to do... you still have not answer my questions... how having sex one weekend with one guy will make you happy for the other 363 days of the year? How will that solve the fact that you are not happy with your husband? How will it save you from your future with someone you don't love?

 

No matter what you are living at home... you are just looking for excuses to bang this guy you are lusting for...and guess what ... there are no valid excuses for cheating... cheating is wrong! I once read in this forum a sentence I really liked... "cheating doesn't solve problems... just create new ones"

 

If you can't work in your marriage I strongly advise you to divorce your husband. You also deserve to be happy and while things will be difficult at the beginning, after some time you will be happy you did the right thing.

If you cheat... not only will be likely that your husband will divorce you but will be a non amicable either... will that be better for your children?

 

For me, it is not a matter of love. I do love my husband, but I don't really like him a lot of the time and it is not a fulfilling relationship in the physical/emotional sense. Somethings in a marriage can be worked on, yes, but personality traits are not one of them. I know I am being vague here, but without going into all the details, he is not an emotional/affectionate man. My choice, I know...still 15 years ago, I thought I could change that--ha, stupid girl.

I don't know if I can answer your other question. I am just thinking that one weekend a year, I can go be this other person...enjoy this other man, who is in the same situation as me...compartmentalize my life...have some fulfillment in that aspect, while maintaining my responsibilities at home the other 364 days a year. I sound like Sybil--crazy--I get it.

 

I will not get divorced at this time, maybe ever. That is why this possibility is creeping up. I already know cheating is wrong. That is the really difficult part for me as it goes against my beliefs system, just like divorce. Also, I do feel like I might be overwhelmed with guilt--something I do not have to contend with right now as it has been innocent flirtation up until now. I feel like it helps me to be talking about it, as the fear of getting caught is horrifying. The question is whether going on like this forever, is worse.

[Turtles]

You make it sound like you have no control over your life, and you're just drifting on the current. Stop the whining and moping and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. If you think having sex once a year will make you happy then you are just relegating that responsibility to another person again. Additionally from your posts it seems you have strong morals so I think cheating will most likely make you very unhappy. Maybe get a job or go to school so you can achieve some independence... one thing is for sure, sitting at home fantasizing about your neighbor is not going to get anything done. You have to fight to get where you want and even if you were in the most loving relationship with the most perfect of husbands you would still be ultimately the one responsible for your happiness.

[dichotomy]

I think you are exploring a fantasy maybe here with us ? Sometimes we think about escape valves when we feel between a rock and hard place in a marriage.

 

If it was purely sexual need, and you don't want to get caught - you could probably find more than a few random good looking single men more than happy to keep it detached and provide wild sex for you in some other town...far outside of your network. Easy for a woman, even a married one to do this.

 

Instead you mention a friend, and married one, and a relationship. So I am thinking this is not about sexual needs but an emotional one as well. Too many people, including children would be hurt by that arrangement.

 

You seem to indicate no divorce now, but you hesitate on later when the kids are gone. In 10 years will it be the same?

 

Lastly I assume you have explored maybe some role play with your husband, or toys or videos or something to help the issue?

 

I think it interesting that you did talk to your husband about shifting into an open marriage, or some sort of separation. That was very honest of you, but cheating on the sly is not of course.

Edited February 21, 2013 by dichotomy

[natty moppet]

You make it sound like you have no control over your life, and you're just drifting on the current. Stop the whining and moping and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. If you think having sex once a year will make you happy then you are just relegating that responsibility to another person again. Additionally from your posts it seems you have strong morals so I think cheating will most likely make you very unhappy. Maybe get a job or go to school so you can achieve some independence... one thing is for sure, sitting at home fantasizing about your neighbor is not going to get anything done. You have to fight to get where you want and even if you were in the most loving relationship with the most perfect of husbands you would still be ultimately the one responsible for your happiness.

 

Um...tough crowd. I didn't think I was whining and moping about. I have complete control, that's why I haven't just let myself go... It's a matter of living with my non-emotional, detached husband without an affair/excitement, or living with him and dealing with the guilt. I think I've already said that its not just about the sex-that is a piece of it, but not the only piece. Additionally, I have a great job and an advanced degree. I am happy in all other aspects of my life. This is about whether or not I can continue to go on in my marriage as it is. Again, I'm not going to get a divorce at this time, or maybe ever. My husband has health issues and I am not going to leave him.

[natty moppet]

I think you are exploring a fantasy maybe here with us ? Sometimes we think about escape valves when we feel between a rock and hard place in a marriage.

 

If it was purely sexual need, and you don't want to get caught - you could probably find more than a few random good looking single men more than happy to keep it detached and provide wild sex for you in some other town...far outside of your network. Easy for a woman, even a married one to do this.

 

Instead you mention a friend, and married one, and a relationship. So I am thinking this is not about sexual needs but an emotional one as well. Too many people, including children would be hurt by that arrangement.

 

You seem to indicate no divorce now, but you hesitate on later when the kids are gone. In 10 years will it be the same?

 

Lastly I assume you have explored maybe some role play with your husband, or toys or videos or something to help the issue?

 

I think it interesting that you did talk to your husband about shifting into an open marriage, or some sort of separation. That was very honest of you, but cheating on the sly is not of course.

 

That about sums it up Dichotomy.

[SarcasticAbby]

I think you're totally playing with fire here. Having an affair, even if you only do it one time a year, you risk getting feelings involved. Not only that, you risk infecting yourself and your partner with an STD or pregnancy. How would you feel if your husband were having an affair one time a year behind your back? Maybe you should invest in marriage counseling before throwing away so many years you've invested in this marriage.

[Turtles]

Um...tough crowd. I didn't think I was whining and moping about. I have complete control, that's why I haven't just let myself go... It's a matter of living with my non-emotional, detached husband without an affair/excitement, or living with him and dealing with the guilt. I think I've already said that its not just about the sex-that is a piece of it, but not the only piece. Additionally, I have a great job and an advanced degree. I am happy in all other aspects of my life. This is about whether or not I can continue to go on in my marriage as it is. Again, I'm not going to get a divorce at this time, or maybe ever. My husband has health issues and I am not going to leave him.

 

Given that, I don't understand why you don't want to at least consider divorce. Or, if you don't want to leave your husband because of health issues, at least let him know so he can choose to leave? And this way you are not a liar. Or do you want the thrill of the affair for itself? The sneaking around, fear of getting caught, etc, turns you on? I can't really empathize with that but I can understand the principle, if that's the case.