Emotionally Abusive Husband after only ONE MONTH of marriage

[andreautick]

I got married on August 1, 2004 to a man I had been with since January. I just figured it was a whirlwind romance. There were few danger signs, but there were a few. After we got married, he totally changed.

 

He became very controlling...monitoring everything I did, lecturing me on how to use the stove, where to put my towel when I showered, how to pour my coffee. Everything.

 

He also became very verbally abusive, blaming it on everything around him....the place we live, his job, our dog. He yelled at me every night, even on my birthday. Telling me horrible things like "I could never respect you" and "you couldn't even earn a tenth of what i make in a year!" "all you do is sit around and do nothing" (note: I take care of his 5 year old son, cook all the meals, and work part time as a legal secretary) This all started the day after the honeymoon. He doesn't drink either, all of this stuff is said and done SOBER.

 

He proclaimed that he hates my family. Having a man who loves my family and who my family loves is so crucial to me, and I thought I had that. He just changed, instantly. He started making me feel guilty everytime I'd talk to them or spend time with my Mom (whom I am VERY close to).

 

He got upset everytime I'd leave, even just to take a walk or run an errand.

 

Then, I left. I got so fed up, he got mad at me for not talking a lot in the car, not entertaining him. So I left. I didn't hear from him for days. Then, all of a sudden he's at my door with flowers and begging and apologies (like usual), promises of change. I was honest with him, but I didn't say anything definite about divorce. I didn't want to say things like that when he was so vulnerable. But he started crying, then he just left (leaving me with my stepson), saying nothing. I haven't seen him for over a day. I checked on our checking account online, and based on charge card activity, he's alive and well, spending our savings. He also abandonned his job, in addition to his son.

 

I spoke to a counselor about this, and she said these are classic abuse signs, and to get out. I've been in an abusive relationshp once before and it was much the same and I want to leave and stay gone from him. I can't imagine ever feeling the same. I am a mentally healthy person, and he has demonstrated that he is otherwise. It hasn't even been a month, and that is what makes me feel bad. But I'm so miserable with him. This isn't some glorified love story, I don't really feel the same about him after seeing that he is really a different person than the man I married. It's so sad, so very sad.

 

I guess I want to know what anyone else, especially with more life experience, thinks of this, in general.

[moimeme]

I was in one abusive relationship and from that I learned that you absolutely must not get married to someone quickly. Less than a year is a *big* mistake, IMHO. You have to give somebody who has major flaws enough time to let his own personality show through. That takes at least six months, and sometimes up to a year. I also learned that one should never marry somebody without living with him first - for the same reason. People can pretend to be one thing while dating but when you're with them 24/7, their true selves eventually come out.

 

Swear to yourself and make all your friends swear to hold you to it, that you will never, ever, EVER again marry or live with someone you haven't known for a minimum of a year. Spend LOTS of time with whomever you plan to spend a life with. Travel with him if you can. I think abusers do tend to have a pattern of trying to marry quickly - doubtless because they know they can only hold up the pretense for so long. I didn't marry mine but he wanted to rush me to the altar. Fortunately, I did live with him so found out pretty soon that it would be a real bad idea to marry the guy.

 

I'm very sorry this happened to you. You may want to read up on abusers and talk to a counsellor to see what qualities you are attracted to which may also be qualities that abusers have.

[JenniferCTS]

Boy are you with a classic abuser! You need to get out now! He won't ever change. Admit you made a mistake - move out of his house when he's at work and file for divorce.

 

The exact same thing happened to me. I got married in Jan. of 96 and the day we got married he turned into the spawn of Satan (yes the red flags were there before I married him and we had only known each other for 4 months).

 

Classic abuser: Charming, come on strong type before marriage. Once married - controlling, possessive, jealous, crazy.

 

Problem I had was I married a law enforcement officer. I went thru being terrorized and threatened during our separation and divorce. He was physically abusive too - do you know how scary it was calling the cops on a cop?

 

You see the signs - he won't change - don't try to rescue a drowning man - you'll go down with him!

 

GET OUT NOW!

[RowanRavyn]

I don't think I can say it any better than these ladies have. I have been there done that. He is not going to change. Get out while the gettin is good.

[andreautick]

Well,

 

You have all helped me to see even more what I already see. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy for wanting it to end after only a month. I have learned from this...to live with the man first, and wait a LONG time before marriage! (as moimeme had said). Abuse is never acceptable, and I'm not about to hold my breath for change. Thank you all so much, and for anyone else with an opinion, I'd love to hear it. I'm always up for absorbing the wisdom of others:)

[Ditto]

Same thing happened to me when I got married. His control started about a month after we were married. EVERYTHING I did was wrong, in his eyes. I was never going to be good enough. He would ocme and go as he pleased but if I left, I had to give him a detailed itinerary. The guilt I felt about not being happy after 3 months was TERRIBLE. After 4 months, I told him that I didn't want to live this way so he left. The embarrasment was horrible but worth it to not be there anymore. A LOT of people said to me "A marriage takes work. Give it at least a year before you break it off." That was all well and good but I was the one dealing with it. Everything was an interigation or a roast.

 

Where is your step sons' mother?

 

Karen

[andreautick]

Thanks for Sharing your story!

 

She is around, she just went through rehab. She resorted to drugs as an escape from her life with my husband. I talked to her for the first time, ever. I heard her story, and the stories of some other ladies I didn't know about who my husband tried to strangle. It all started the same as it did with me. I hear what you are saying...

[RowanRavyn]

I was shocked when I spoke to my abusers ex wife.

 

It was like she had a camera in our house.

[Faye]

The choices we make. Why would you get married so quickly before you really know the true ins and outs of this person? You was not thinking with your head, you was thinking with your heart. And the heart is treacheous, as the Bible states. Before you marry, learn everything about his family, job/career, past relationships, childhood, etc. Just don't take his word. Knowledge takes time. But what's done, is done. It is time to GET OUT!

[andreautick]

I did as much investigating as I could. I also had many people screen him, people that are very perceptive. No one saw it coming, everyone thought he was wonderful. He fooled us all--even his own family. I don't think any amount of logic or head thinking would have changed that. I thought I was marrying a man who was happy, stable, and a good person, and it changed overnight. There were very few warnings. I did think a lot with my head, and also with my heart--and decisions like this have to made with both, I believe.

 

I'm much happier being out, and fortunately I haven't invested too much in our union...I've learned a lot also. It's unfortunate that all this had to happen. But I can't go back and change anything now!