no contact sucks!

[calgary]

As I said the heart as difficulty letting go. It's ok. One way or another you will figure this out. Sometimes its actually not bad having to learn a lesson the hard way. Because you actually LEARN.

 

For me getting back with this girl was beyond dumb. This is the one relationship I was proud of my behaviour from start to finish. I treated her great, was always there for her. She on the other hand was a nightmare at times.

 

We broke up the first time cause one night she throw away every piece of jewellery I bought her and punched me in the face. All because I spoke with friends I hadn't seen in 4 years for too long in a bar one night, after I told her not to come in. (she was VERY high maintenance).

 

I never told my family what she did (idiot I am). She manipulated them and me very cleverly to get me back. Followed me out to Australia when I left. The start of my problems started after that decision to take her back and very slowly things got worse and worse in my life. The happy confident guy I was left. She eroded me down piece by piece, to what I look into the mirror each day. All my own fault because of my inability to 'deal'.

 

Either way mate. You'll get there

thanks for sharing mack05!

 

the more I think about it, the more upset I am with myself though. I kept accusing her of basically being a whore even though she wasn't. I know she kept flirting with people but I must have really hurt her feelings to the point where she doesn't want a relationship anymore.. I know she hurt mine too, I feel like apologising I think it's like you said i'm under a 'spell'

 

because she hurt me too and didn't stop.. she didn't see the problem, only I was the problem.. I ended things because I basically made out like she was a cheater or something and I feel terrible about it now.

 

I think it's because she put me in that position I don't know.. i'm just having a bad night and venting on here instead of writing her a written apology email or something.

 

I feel like she still wants me but wants to hear that from me. I just need to write this out, because it's my thoughts and I need to leave them here instead of writing them in an email I think ?

 

I do need to just sort myself out and get on with my own life and march on. but now I look back at my behaviour I feel quite guilty that she was a good girl and I basically told her I didn't trust her... especially now she's made me feel that way. UGH

 

Sorry this probably seems like a totally different person talking. I just had a moment of weakness!

[iouaname]

was he making intial contact all of the time ? or was you ? are you chasing him or him you ? I sometimes worry with no contact that both people want to talk to each other but it's just a game of stubbornness. I don't think i'll ever feel right about not getting her back. but it's something i'm going to have to do.

 

Immediately after the break up, it was me initiating contact. He wanted to "stay friends," but I wanted to hash things out and get to the bottom of this. He didn't initiate contact during the first few weeks because, in his words, he felt like I needed space from it.

 

Then, I would go no contact and he would attempt to get in touch with me because he didn't like that I "disappeared." He would say he was "worried" because of my anxiety and depression. This would cause me to talk to him for a little while until I would resolve to no contact again. This just caused a cycle.

 

The last time, he called me from work just to tell me about something funny that had happened. Then, he requested we watch "our show" together that night. I realized I was being friendzoned - and hard. So, I went no contact. He made several attempts to get in touch with me before realizing that I was not going to respond, and has since stopped.

 

I feel that the amount he tried to get in touch with me and the way he was pushing so hard for being friends means that I will hear from him again and it (unfortunately, I suppose) keeps me clinging to some hope that he'll realize what a mistake he has made. But regardless, I felt bad about myself when I was initiating contact with him in attempts to get back together, and also bad about myself when I allowed him to have contact with me to friendzone me.

 

I have no choice but to go no contact. Do I want to get back together? Yes. Will that happen if I continue to be his friend and show him that he can treat me like this? Of course not. Getting back together aside, I won't move on if I continue to speak to him and be his friend. I'll be hurting every time I hear what he's doing, and I'll be forever clinging to the hope of something that might not even happen. So no contact IS the way to go for me, and I know that. It's just forcing myself to stick to it that has been so difficult.

[Mack05]

The thing is Calgary. If you are in a relationship where there is mutual trust and respect this kind of stuff simply doesn't happen. What should have happened is that you raise the issue of her flirting and state it makes you uncomfortable. She apologises, doesn't do it again and that's the end of the issue. In the future then you make a compromise for her, if something you do makes her uneasy/unhappy.

 

That's a healthy way to communicate and resolve. What happened with you guys? You raised the issue and instead of respecting your wishes, she flirts even more! When you leave she puts up no fight what so ever. Indeed she plays you. Makes you think that you are the problem. Gut instinct is one of the most powerful tool we have at our disposal. Ignoring it can prove fatal. Your gut instinct was telling you that you can't trust this girl. Listen to it. It's spot on!

 

She crossed the line. If you didn't put your foot down, she would have continued to push and push your buttons. She would try to get away with more and more. You give an inch, she takes a mile. The thing is if you break NC she will probably say well you had your chance. Sorry mate but no girl who loves and respects you would behave like this.

It's worked perfectly for her. She gets the break-off she was probably looking for and has you thinking you are at fault.

 

I don't believe her game playing and manipulating are over. Maybe she will be back, maybe she won't, but I don't believe the games are over and I anticipate some breadcrumbs in the coming weeks. Why do some people behave like this? I have no idea.

 

The thing is, she has stated to you she is not in the right frame of mind for a relationship. Why not just say this to you directly, instead of disrespecting you by holding the other guys hand? There are a lot of red flags with this girl. You are desperate to reconcile, so you simple can't see what is right in front of your face. This girl is no good for you...

 

The sooner you get that, the sooner you can work on you and find a girl who is good for you.

Edited February 21, 2013 by Mack05

[calgary]

thanks again! you're helping me so much today! I've just had a moment of weakness. I feel a bit panicky / anxiety!

 

I did the right thing putting my foot down and saying enough is enough you're right !

I just shouldn't even be upset about all of this I did the right stuff.

 

you're right she doesn't see it from my perspective or apologise.. she didn't fight and now she's not texting me or anything.

 

it's just weird some people are just selfish I think! I think you're right she'll probably play some more games with me and I should try and avoid them.

 

I know I wish I wasn't so desperate to resolve things. being desperate and clingy and stressed isn't how I want to be seen, or quiet and pale infront of my friends with not much to talk about all day!

 

again thanks for everything today/night you've been a big help! i'll stay no contact.

[Chloe1980]

Im sorry, Calgary, but I think you'll break NC any moment. you come here for reassurance, but internally the only think you want is to contact her. you are counting the hours to your next call/text.

Sorry to be so rough, I'm in the same situation right now, the difference is that I'd die before contacting him again, after all he's said to me. I'm still waiting he'll regret the decision tough, at least it'll make me feel more valuable.

This sucks, I agree with you.

[Mack05]

Im sorry, Calgary, but I think you'll break NC any moment. you come here for reassurance, but internally the only think you want is to contact her. you are counting the hours to your next call/text.

Sorry to be so rough, I'm in the same situation right now, the difference is that I'd die before contacting him again, after all he's said to me. I'm still waiting he'll regret the decision tough, at least it'll make me feel more valuable.

This sucks, I agree with you.

 

Chloe you are valuable, VERY valuable. You shouldn't need that idiot's validation to know your own value.

 

Calgary you da man

[Chloe1980]

Mack05, can I keep you close to me?

[Mack05]

Mack05, can I keep you close to me?

 

anytime Chloe

[calgary]

Im sorry, Calgary, but I think you'll break NC any moment. you come here for reassurance, but internally the only think you want is to contact her. you are counting the hours to your next call/text.

Sorry to be so rough, I'm in the same situation right now, the difference is that I'd die before contacting him again, after all he's said to me. I'm still waiting he'll regret the decision tough, at least it'll make me feel more valuable.

This sucks, I agree with you.

I know I am trying my best! really don't want to give up on her but I have to it's devastating ! the unknown drives me crazy, my mind thinks all kinds of crazy things up that aren't true. i'd really prefer her to get in touch with me if anything! I know whilst ever i'm no contact i'm stronger.. not by much but i'm trying ! ls has helped me tonight especially mack05! i'll do my best to not get in touch! reading everything do you agree that i'm doing the right thing here ?

 

you're doing a good job not getting in touch! I suppose you don't ever want your ex back again right ? like you're completely done with him ?

 

I think i'm just having one of those panics where you struggle to breathe, can't sit still nothing seems to distract me. i'm really trying .

[Kaza]

Breathe in slowly...breathe out..

 

It sucks..

 

Here's a few smileys for you:

[calgary]

thank you, it does suck I appreciate the smileys though

[Chloe1980]

I know I am trying my best! really don't want to give up on her but I have to it's devastating ! the unknown drives me crazy, my mind thinks all kinds of crazy things up that aren't true. i'd really prefer her to get in touch with me if anything! I know whilst ever i'm no contact i'm stronger.. not by much but i'm trying ! ls has helped me tonight especially mack05! i'll do my best to not get in touch! reading everything do you agree that i'm doing the right thing here ?

 

you're doing a good job not getting in touch! I suppose you don't ever want your ex back again right ? like you're completely done with him ?

 

I think i'm just having one of those panics where you struggle to breathe, can't sit still nothing seems to distract me. i'm really trying .

 

I agree that you are doing the best you can, but I do think that you are not closing the relationship, you are only expecting her to contact you.

I havent contacted him, I wont do it, everything is clear between us. He was honest and told me he doesnt love me, and he doesnt want to see me again. So there is not much I can do about it.

I am not done with him, because I think of him all the time, and I'd love him to contact me to say he wants to see me, but it's not going to happen.

I just don't know, this is so hard...For me there are no hopes, that is clear, I just have to keep grieving until I can move on.

[calgary]

this is very true! i'm finding it hard to let go still.

 

See the difference between us is that my ex always makes excuses to see me, even bad excuses.. she told me she loved and missed me.. it's like she strings me along whilst she see's what else is out there.

 

I think i'm grieving and hoping and I should just grieve. I really really did not want this to end and I still don't. I still think she's the nicest girl I've ever met. I just don't know why it all went so wrong so fast. I slept for 4 hours and now i'm wide awake. I can't sleep or eat.

[Kengne]

Calgary all these people have given you great advice.

 

I'm going to continue to keep it 100% real. You are in an emotionally turbulent place right now - and you're just going to have to ride it out - the high highs and the low lows.

 

Some minutes/hrs/days/weeks you will feel like shyt, unable to breathe/function, and that your world has ended.

 

Other days you will feel strong/powerful/calm/happy & in control of your emotions.

 

This is all normal and all part of the grieving process. And having lived through MULTIPLE breakups - I can tell you, true & tested - NC is the best and the ONLY way to go, point blank dot com.

 

With every text/email/IM you send or respond to - you are digging the grave (of grieving) that much deeper for yourself. YOU are making it that much harder to move on - FOR YOURSELF.

 

Because no matter how much you may not want to - you have to and WILL move on. Physically, time will pass. Physically, your body will stop producing the all the hormones/signals that make you feel the way you feel now i.e. like crap. It is inevitable - but what fluctuates is how fast or slow that whole process happens.

 

It can go down, the "easy" way (which is not easy at all) - or the HARD WAY.

 

The choice is yours.

 

Like someone said earlier, the stove is hot. Don't believe us? NP - touch it yourself, and ultimately you will feel the burn as we all did - and then it will dawn on you "UMmmm.... THIS SHYT IS NOT WORKING FOR ME right now", you will go into NC (either intentionally or unintentionally), and slowly (BUT SURELY) you will heal.

 

K.

[calgary]

Calgary all these people have given you great advice.

 

I'm going to continue to keep it 100% real. You are in an emotionally turbulent place right now - and you're just going to have to ride it out - the high highs and the low lows.

 

Some minutes/hrs/days/weeks you will feel like shyt, unable to breathe/function, and that your world has ended.

 

Other days you will feel strong/powerful/calm/happy & in control of your emotions.

 

This is all normal and all part of the grieving process. And having lived through MULTIPLE breakups - I can tell you, true & tested - NC is the best and the ONLY way to go, point blank dot com.

 

With every text/email/IM you send or respond to - you are digging the grave (of grieving) that much deeper for yourself. YOU are making it that much harder to move on - FOR YOURSELF.

 

Because no matter how much you may not want to - you have to and WILL move on. Physically, time will pass. Physically, your body will stop producing the all the hormones/signals that make you feel the way you feel now i.e. like crap. It is inevitable - but what fluctuates is how fast or slow that whole process happens.

 

It can go down, the "easy" way (which is not easy at all) - or the HARD WAY.

 

The choice is yours.

 

Like someone said earlier, the stove is hot. Don't believe us? NP - touch it yourself, and ultimately you will feel the burn as we all did - and then it will dawn on you "UMmmm.... THIS SHYT IS NOT WORKING FOR ME right now", you will go into NC (either intentionally or unintentionally), and slowly (BUT SURELY) you will heal.

 

K.

thanks so true, I'm up and down all over the place. she's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship right now and I should just take that on the chin.

 

but the whole holding hands and wanting to meet up and telling me she loves and misses me keeps my hope going.. it's so much harder to let go of, especially when you look her in the eye and you feel like she's fighting herself to stay away.

like I said she asked me to text her and I just haven't..

 

I feel like the more time passes, the more I reflect on what I did wrong what she did wrong.. but its too late now it's just a lesson I have to learn.

 

I slept for 4 hours and now I can't sleep anymore. I am a mess right now. I really do need to move on!

 

When you went through your break up did you learn the hard way or the easy way?

 

have you gone through similar to my situation? it sucks if you have. i'm really upset about it, I thought I was a stronger person than this, I must have let myself go so much more than I realized.

[gravi1]

I am going through something very similar right now, long story short.

The lady cheated and ignored me, she however texts me every single day proclaiming her deep love, that it wont hapen again and that we can be hapy again. She even gave me the permission to get her cellphone records, and that is where i saw what she was up to when she was ignoring me.

 

With her I am always at a loss,she never realy said sory, just that it wont hapen again, she expects me to just forget everything and act hapy. Her reasoning is so ilogical, its like she is a master mind gamer.

 

I punished myself by trying to get her to care for my feelings otr atleast act like it, I asked her questions, I told her how it made me feel when she cheated and ignored me. I went to her and we cried in each other's arms, had sex tried sweet texts of missing you etc. I was angry at her for breaking such a "beautiful thing". I had some lingering hope in the back of my mind that by some form of miracle I will wake up the next morning and everything she did would be undone and that I could be with her again.

 

One thing I realized, and also with the help of many of the posts here is that, yes I love her and I want her, BUT AFTER WHAT SHE DID, I was being unfair to myself, I was hurting myself and losing my self confidence in process, that I dont need her answers, I can ignore her and nothing will happen to me, I have the will to let her goand I can carry on.

 

I will overcome, I was born alone, her name was not inprinted on my forehead like some destiny, no there is someone for me out there that will care for my feelings and love me too, I just have to wait, I will not feel this way tomorow, yes I am in a war with myself but time will heal me and the dust will settle,

 

CUT CONTACT, nothing will hapen to you, only a bit of pain,flashbacks, million questions per second, moodswings, but you are a man you will overcome, CUT CONTACT and heal, you dont need her reasurance or approval,

[calgary]

I am going through something very similar right now, long story short.

The lady cheated and ignored me, she however texts me every single day proclaiming her deep love, that it wont hapen again and that we can be hapy again. She even gave me the permission to get her cellphone records, and that is where i saw what she was up to when she was ignoring me.

 

With her I am always at a loss,she never realy said sory, just that it wont hapen again, she expects me to just forget everything and act hapy. Her reasoning is so ilogical, its like she is a master mind gamer.

 

I punished myself by trying to get her to care for my feelings otr atleast act like it, I asked her questions, I told her how it made me feel when she cheated and ignored me. I went to her and we cried in each other's arms, had sex tried sweet texts of missing you etc. I was angry at her for breaking such a "beautiful thing". I had some lingering hope in the back of my mind that by some form of miracle I will wake up the next morning and everything she did would be undone and that I could be with her again.

 

One thing I realized, and also with the help of many of the posts here is that, yes I love her and I want her, BUT AFTER WHAT SHE DID, I was being unfair to myself, I was hurting myself and losing my self confidence in process, that I dont need her answers, I can ignore her and nothing will happen to me, I have the will to let her goand I can carry on.

 

I will overcome, I was born alone, her name was not inprinted on my forehead like some destiny, no there is someone for me out there that will care for my feelings and love me too, I just have to wait, I will not feel this way tomorow, yes I am in a war with myself but time will heal me and the dust will settle,

 

CUT CONTACT, nothing will hapen to you, only a bit of pain,flashbacks, million questions per second, moodswings, but you are a man you will overcome, CUT CONTACT and heal, you dont need her reasurance or approval,

i'm so sorry to hear that ! getting cheated on must be the worst! I can't even imagine how upset you must have felt !

 

that's the worst feeling when they don't really seem to care about your feelings I really feel your pain! like I said, she was annoyed at me and making me look jealous for the way she was behaving.. nobody would have tolerated what she was doing, not one of you guys on here. I have to keep telling myself I did the right thing.

 

I have cut contact.. i'm just still hoping and praying she'll be throwing me a tasty breadcrumb soon and I need to get out of this way of thinking ! I got worked up tonight because I presumed she would be out partying and I was in alone. it was stupid. I didn't get in touch though i'm proud of myself for not being pathetic.. I just look it on here because I came to vent my true honest emotional feelings. I keep it cool infront of her.

[gravi1]

It is good that you did cut contact, sory for the lecture, perhaps I myself needed it as confirmation,

 

I am sure that with time we will look back at these times with such relieve.

What I hate most is that I havent cried in over 5-6 years but nowadays I find myself weeping, people ask whats wrong and I tell them my dog just died.

 

I stayed with the girl even though I got very definate indications that she was cheating and I am shamed to say from all experiences that she did with several men. I did not need to catch her in the act but texts and her dissapearances etc. were enough, the last incident however was point blank. I stayed with her because I was afraid to face the truth of what is hapening, I was afraid it would just be something that I could not bare, and I am sure this gave her the notion that I was unable to live without her up to the point that she no longer cared, about the ilogical unbelievable and silly excuses, lies and amended lies that she was telling me.

 

I believe today that should I see her as part of my life, it must be amongst the black files. I am hapy that you are not contacting her and that it will pay dividends

[calgary]

wow I feel like I can completely relate but youre on a whole other level above me!

I feel a lot better today i'm glad I didn't contact her!

 

at the end of the day, all she did was hold hands with a guy infront of me, it seems pathetic now when I compare it to how badly you was treated buddy.

 

I feel like I ended it over petty things.. but they hurt me at the time. she wasn't a cheater I know that for sure. she seems pretty devastated about it. but she doesn't want me back.

 

I can't even imagine what it was like to know she'd been with other people i'm so sorry I hate how cruel people are! I dread the thought of my ex going out drinking and hooking up with guys, the weekends stress me out at the moment.

 

I need to be tough and put her behind me but I just can't! everytime I feel like texting I come here to vent ! it works

[gravi1]

Thanx,

 

If you left her for holding hands with another guy, and you are sure that you did not approve of it and that you did not like it, you neednt feel bad about it. If she cared for you and your feelings, she would understand this and avoid doing it alltogether it just shows that what she was doing had other intentions-its all the same, that is exactly where it starts.

 

I had a girl once many years ago who told me that in their church youth, they had culture of kissing on the mouth and hugging. For a while I went with it but later it looked realy ridiculous, me holding her hand while another guy kissed, hugged and fondled her, yes, mind you it was the same guy everytime-he seemed to take max benefit of the culture.

 

Yes its the way you are raised and or your culture,some cultures allow for platonic relationships between people of opposite sex, where people that are not related in any way can study untill deep in the evening alone in a small darkk room and nothing hapens, or they kiss and hug and hold hands, claiming he/she is just a friend-well there is no such thing unless its her brother (not even uncle or father)

 

I am sure that if she is genuine she will change her ways and come back, but the best way to test this is total NC.

[Coping Vortex]

Calgary venting on LS is great IF it helps you keep NC. Venting here looking for support is pointless if you continue to engage her. Why try help someone who doesn't want to be helped? Read other LS stories look how may people regret breaking NC. What do you think makes you are any different?

 

The cycle with you is the same. You create a thread, vent. Weekend comes you meet her. U end up confused/frustrated. New thread created in response to meeting her, same advice from LS members, followed by an inability to absorb this advice/excuses.

 

U will still be doing this in 6 months. Is that what u want? Believe me the longer you delay dealing with your grief, the longer the road is back.

 

U need to go through this pain. By checking your phone 24/7, hoping for a reconciliation, obsessing on why she does the things she does, u are only postponing dealing with your grief. There is no easy fix here. The best thing u can go is avoid clubs for the near future and stay NC. Yes it's boring but it forces you to DEAL wih your emotions.

 

The advice u are getting are from people who had to deal wih similar scenarios. This girl is all over the place. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU NOT TO GET HURT. The fact u still want her means u are a mess too. You have lost emotional control and sensible logic has gone out the window. Believe me u haven't hit rock bottom but that is where u are headed..

 

Buy the book I recommended...

I have been doing the same thing over and over. Trust me every time I have tried to keep contact I find out more about her new guy. Just yesterday they are practically living together everyday. What am I doing. Only torturing myself.

[calgary]

I have been doing the same thing over and over. Trust me every time I have tried to keep contact I find out more about her new guy. Just yesterday they are practically living together everyday. What am I doing. Only torturing myself.

I've read a lot of no contact people still torturing themselves though! I hate no contact, I removed her from facebook etc, don't go places she goes.. but my mind makes up so much stuff. I think that's worse.. wondering.

 

I think if I found out she had somebody else i'd do a lot better a moving on. i'd force myself to ! but right now with the mixed signals I guess i'm always hoping.

[Coping Vortex]

I've read a lot of no contact people still torturing themselves though! I hate no contact, I removed her from facebook etc, don't go places she goes.. but my mind makes up so much stuff. I think that's worse.. wondering.

 

I think if I found out she had somebody else i'd do a lot better a moving on. i'd force myself to ! but right now with the mixed signals I guess i'm always hoping.

 

Trust me finding out they have someone else is worse. It's torture makes you panic you want them back before they fall too much in love with the new person. I would rather know I was the last guy to have her heart.

[calgary]

man you've had it rough! a guy kissing my girlfriend when I held her hand in the name of religion? I couldn't stand for it !

 

I think sometimes I look insecure and clingy and jealous and protective.. and other times I think, i'm not the only person that would get mad and upset about seeing their girlfriend holding hands with another guy ? I had to talk to her on at least 4 occasions for similar things.. she wasn't changing though so I had to let her go and it killed me.

 

I still don't believe she ever had intentions of hooking up with the guys or cheating but ill never know for sure. it just hurt my feelings and she wasn't willing to stop..

Since the break up she's out constantly drinking and partying. I don't want her back if she's been elsewhere..

 

I think I hurt her by ending something so amazing over something so small in the scheme of things, but I did tell her on numerous occasions to stop.

 

I think no contact is the only way.. she always comes up with excuses so we stay in contact but she doesn't want a relationship right now. but last time we met up she was holding my hand saying she loved and missed me. head games. just awful.

[calgary]

Trust me finding out they have someone else is worse. It's torture makes you panic you want them back before they fall too much in love with the new person. I would rather know I was the last guy to have her heart.

I sort of know what you mean, 5 days after the break up she went out with the intentions of hooking up with a guy she worked with, he didn't show up but still the intention was there.. she probably liked him before we broke up and it bugs me she saw him everytime she went to work. I hated that. she denied it all when I confronted her. but still. I can imagine it would hurt at first to see her with someone else but at the same time I think i'd stop trying and just move on. i'd never take her back if she's been intimate with somebody else it's just wrong to me. I can't deal with it.