At wits end and dont know where to turn....

[freduk]

Hi all,

 

Sorry first off for the following, but I just need to get this off my chest. It has been going on since January 2012, and I just dont see any resolution or how to move past it.

 

My wife and I are coming up on our 17th anniversary, and over the years we have had our trials, ups and downs and through it all we stuck together. We had arguments, but in all honesty up till our 15th, you could have counted them on one hand!

 

Then just before our 15th my wife said she wanted to try again for a baby, we were both coming up on 40 and we had tried before over the years. I said I needed time to think about it, my career was in a funny place, and work were bullying me to work 12-14 hours a day as the company was struggling.

 

Eventually I agreed, and she came off the pill on our 15th anniversary, and it litterally took a couple of weeks and she was pregnant.

 

We had a few scares through the pregnancy, but eventually our son was born in January 2012.

 

Since then, we have had more arguments in the past 13 months than our entire time knowing each other.

 

She is constantly sarcastic, pushing me away, saying I dont spend enough time with our son, constantly asking for me to take him out so she can get a break, and really wearing me down.

 

Now my timetable on a normal week is - Mon-Fri get up about 6.30am, leave for work around 8am, get home at 7pm. As soon as I am home, I play with our son, take him for a bath, dress him, read a bedtime, brush his teeth, and put him to bed. Wife helps with clothes and stuff. By the end its 8pm. We have food, watch an hour of telly, then she sticks to my side until she goes to bed at 10.30. I am then left feeling like I am drained, no time to myself. I eventually go bed between 11 and 11.30.

 

Weekends, I am trying still to do his nursery, trying to do repairs to the house, our car, but weekends are normally Saturday "Lets go out as a family", so saturday gets wrote off, then Sunday is "why dont you take him out and give me a break".

 

I get no downtime to me, have not seen any friends in a year, and his room still needs doing.

 

The past 4 weeks have been flat out, and I feel exhausted.

 

Over the past year, the wife I married and love has changed, in to a sarcastic moaning negative woman, a woman I no longer know. Everything is a chore, everything she does for me is out of obligation, she has already admitted feeling obligated. I just do not know this woman any more.

 

At the moment the biggest issue is I no longer have any trust for my wife, it started Christmas day, our first as a family and our sons first christmas. I wanted it to be a happy day, one I would remember for a long time. But it wasnt. She insisted on helping him open his presents while I video, I got no involvement in it. Then it came to her presents, I went out and searched for over a month for a "mum" cup from our son, and got her presents from him, me and cards.

 

She got me nothing from him. I felt hurt, felt terrible, and a migraine appeared.

 

I tried to participate as much as I could, but had to lay down for a few hours, that just put her in a foul mood.

 

Boxing day, when I got up, she said "what the f*** was wrong with you yesterday", I explained and that just started the inner rage in her, she flew off the handle. Threw loads of hurtful stuff, and accused me of constantly picking on her and bullying. This cut like a knife, so I packed a bag and left, she screamed at me to go. So I felt there was no option, I had previosly walked out because of what she had said, but came back a few hours later. This time was different, she said a number of very hurtfull things, including above, said I was dramatising Christmas day, and did a present really matter. But yet I heard her on Christmas evening on the phone to her Dad saying her presents were crap.

 

After I left she tried to ring me loads, and for a number of days I refused to speak to her, trust for me is a big thing, and it was shattered.

 

In the end I actually went to the samaratins, and spoke with a counciller, we talked it over, and after many tissues I agreed it was worth trying one more time.

 

During this period I would only talk to her by email or text, and we exchanged a few, mine were normally detailed explaining how I felt, what happened from my view point, how hurt I feel, and how the trust has gone, hers were short, not very open, and she did appoligise.

 

Eventually I felt I could not miss seeing in the new year with our son, so I came home, but I did express that I did not know how to move on from the trust broken.

 

When I got home, all she could talk about was how well she managed on her own. Since then she is carrying on as though nothing is wrong, and we are back to the same.

 

Since she fell pregnant our sex life has all but gone, we made love probably twice since we found out she was, and then once when I got back on New Years eve, nothing since. She never tells me she loves me any more, and that used to be everytime before I left for work or went out, now.... nothing.

 

She looks after the house and I go out to work, over the past few months, everything has to have a "thanks" at the end, thanks for doing this, thanks for doing that. The word has no meaning anymore, she feels I should thank her for doing stuff around the house, when I said no one thanks me for going to work and bringing in money, she said why should there be, its my job.

 

I really dont know where to go from here, I know in my heart our marriage is in tatters, she saw a counciller for a few weeks as I begged her to, I was getting to the end of it with her mood swings and constant bad mood. She came home at the end of it "I dont need to go anymore, she is happy with me", I asked her if she showed any of my emails or texts when I walked out, "she doesnt need to see those, they are not relevant to her".

 

Really?

 

I have one thought constantly there, split and divorse, but I love my son and I love the wife I married, I know she is in there, I just dont know where to turn.

 

Its got that bad, I cannot sleep unless I either have a few beers/red wine, or puff a bit of weed before bed, and even then I am constantly tired and knackered and I know sooner or later it is going to affect my job. And its a job I love, I love the people and they think I do a cracking job.

 

Any advice welcome, especially from those that have been here.

 

Thanks

 

Fred

Edited February 19, 2013 by freduk

[K Os]

Hello,

 

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time.

 

My contribution is short and simple - it sounds to me like serious post-natal depression. Was this discussed by the counsellor? I'm very wary now where psychology professionals are concerned. I now have a highly qualified psychotherapist, who has helped me enormously. The one before that was, in comparison, really rubbish and I think did more harm than good.

 

Have a word with your wife's doctor or health visitor? If it is depression then it won't stay forever. My sister suffered terribly after two of her kids were born. She's fine now.

 

I wish you everything good.

[Yasuandio]

Dear Fred,

 

Firstly, you already know that turning to substance will not solve your problems - and you have problems if your sleep is being affected. So let's start here, with your health, which is most important. The temporary high gives some relief - but eventually will screw with your perceptions and like you say, it will affect your job performance. You don't exactly have a lot of free time to be high (or get busted, for that matter - I don't care what country you live in, and how liberal it may be - you can still get arrested, or in trouble with a dealer, period).

 

How to deal with sleep issue? Go to see the doctor, MD first. You have been under a lot of stress. Tell doctor the issue, and get the name of a therapist, and doctor's opinion for sleep medication and/or phych medication evaluation.

 

One thing that stood out to me in your post is how articulate you are in expressing your feelings. I find this often with the men that contribute in the LS forum. It surprises me because so much literature states that men have trouble openly expressing their feelings. So, here again, that theory is proven to be untrue in your case.

 

Ok. Now, it seems everything changed when your wife's wish to have a final baby later in life can true. We all are getting older, and I do not have any children, but I know that things are harder to do in your fourties than in your thirties. For instance, that is when my vision really went South. Obviously my vision was much sharper in my 20's than in my 30's - as around 32, I found I needed a weak pair of reading glasses. So obviously, the older we get, the hareder it is to accomplish work - and I'm sure she is feeling it.

 

Another point I might raise here is homones and pre-menapausal symptoms. There really is no exact age. But I remember getting the sweats at night in my early fourties. Few flashes here and there. Hot temper from nowhere. Just once in awhile, I think my homones were talking to me. I never really saw the doctor about it. There were changes here and there in womanly things.

 

Then, I will also mention the popular Mid-Life-Crisis gig. It can hit at various times in your life. I assume your wife is a stay at home mom. Perhaps she is having some regrets about not pursueing a career? Higher education? You just never know. Perhaps she thought having the baby was the answer? And it turned out not to be?

 

Now -- I am not going to write much about this topic -- beause the rest of the forum will give you a lot of information about the signs of infidelity. There is always the possibility of "The Grass is Greener on the Other Side" syndrome, when suddenly someone declines sex, starts arguements, changes personalities, etc.

 

The selfish attitude during gift giving season is poor behavior, but doesn't rise to the level of separation and divorce. Alternately, what I would anticipate happening is that she may not receive a gift at all next Xmas. I do appreciate your sensitivity, and your expression thereof. But -- you know, I personally don't think it is such a big deal that she didn't get a present and card from the new child to you. And on the other hand, I think your thoughtfulness in getting symbolic gifts, etc., from a toddler to his Mommy is a little too thoughtful (maybe over the top). Maybe you guys did that in your late 20's, but come on now. That is just my take.

 

Finially, there is one part of your post I really wasn't clear on. The trust issue. I didn't really get that. Where exactly has trust been broken?

 

I will watch your thread. And I hope my comments have helped in some way. Yas

[freduk]

Dear Fred,

 

Firstly, you already know that turning to substance will not solve your problems - and you have problems if your sleep is being affected. So let's start here, with your health, which is most important. The temporary high gives some relief - but eventually will screw with your perceptions and like you say, it will affect your job performance. You don't exactly have a lot of free time to be high (or get busted, for that matter - I don't care what country you live in, and how liberal it may be - you can still get arrested, or in trouble with a dealer, period).

 

How to deal with sleep issue? Go to see the doctor, MD first. You have been under a lot of stress. Tell doctor the issue, and get the name of a therapist, and doctor's opinion for sleep medication and/or phych medication evaluation.

 

.....

 

Finially, there is one part of your post I really wasn't clear on. The trust issue. I didn't really get that. Where exactly has trust been broken?

 

I will watch your thread. And I hope my comments have helped in some way. Yas

 

I know it dont help, the weed before bed was a suggestion by a medical professional 7 years ago, after my knee was reconstructed, a lot of the time before bed after a hectic day my knee just throbs, an inner pain, but not a pain if that makes sense, we tried various pain killers, but they did nothing for it. So it was suggested I try it, and I did but only once in a while when my knee was really bad.

 

Lately though with all this, it just makes getting to sleep easier, and I only have a very quick puff before jumping in bed.

 

I know my wife is post natal, all the signs are there, and it was only after begging and walking twice (for a few hours at a time) that she finally agreed to see a councillor, she has refused point blank to talk to our GP or Health Visitor as she is worried they will get social services involved.

 

Trust, the absolutely hurtful things my wife said on boxing day, before I absolutely without question trusted my wife 100% with my life, and everything in it, and trust to me is more that just that, I trusted her in conversation, sharing my feelings, everything. Now I cannot, its broke, I feel I can never be honest and upfront about how I feel because she will throw it back in my face again.

 

I did say to her when we last split, its almost like she has so much love for our son, there is nothing left to give to me.

 

Everything she does for me is "huuuh.. gota do this for you..." and a big sigh at the end.

 

I know she sees me going to work as me having a break, yet she feels sorry for our brother in law because he got made redundant and his new job is now in London, first time he has ever had to commute to london daily, he has been doing it now for almost a year, and she feels sorry because he must be tired after doing it. I do the same commute, but there is nothing from her towards me for my journey.

 

I know I need to speak to someone, but the more I think about this, the more I ask myself, we are a married couple, surely love is not meant to hurt this much?

[Gunny376]

"Hungry Heart"

 

 

Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack

I went out for a ride and I never went back

Like a river that don't know where it's flowing

I took a wrong turn and I just kept going

 

[CHORUS]

Every body's got a hungry heart

Every body's got a hungry heart

Lay down your money and you play your part

Every body's got a hungry heart

 

I met her in a Kingstown bar

We fell in love I knew it had to end

We took what we had and we ripped it apart

Now here I am down in Kingstone again

 

[CHORUS]

 

Everybody needs a place to rest

Everybody wants to have a home

Don't make no difference what nobody says

Ain't nobody like to be alone

 

Now you fully understand and comprehend what Bruce Springsteen was singing about! :laugh:

 

Post natural, menopause, PMS, ADCO, BCO, bi-polar, hormones ~ yada ~ yada. Nothing but a bunch of letters in the alphabet to me.

 

Yea you (as in the SO) may be this or that? You know what? They've got medication for that when your brain chemistry is off balance.

 

Wish ya' luck with that ~ WITHOUT ME! :mad:

 

I can promise you for sure and certain that I bust my ever-loving azz eight, ten, twelve hours a day ~ everyday? And I have to come home to what you posted in your thread?

 

I'm not going to be going? I'm going to be gone! I won't be nothing but a memory in your mind ~ a clear pretty picture of a love that's dead and gone!

 

I can absolutely promise you this Old Boy isn't going to spend a life time trying to please what can't be pleased, satisfy what can't be satisfied, pacify what can't be pacified! Not-a-gonna do it!

 

My XHEX told me one time that she was going to "cut me off!"

 

I told her she could "cut me off" from what she's got and has to offer? But everything she's got? There's only about 3.5 BILLION other women in the world that have the same thing that she's got!

 

I've said it once ~ and I'll say it again!

 

"What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!"

 

I've got more to offer most women than most women have to offer me!

 

No brag, just fact!

 

So when it comes to a lot of women? Someone up and lied to them and told them that they've got the only vagina in the world?

 

Hate to be the one to break the news to them? But someone lied to them!

 

Somethings you've just got to reach deep down in your soul and grab a hold of.

 

Discipline is one of them. It must come from within? Or from without! There's a lot of folks that don't have self control and self discipline of themselves!

 

Another is respect! If you don't have respect for yourself? How in tha' Hell can you expect respect from anyone else?

 

I had to 'man up' two weeks ago at work, and just let the people that I work for what the real deal was? I pushed it to the limit, I thought about it long and hard. Gave a lot of thought to it? Plotted and planned the azimuth of the course that I wanted and had to take!

 

Made my move, made sure I had my flanks and rear end covered! It could have gone either way. Thought about any and all course of action, thought my words out? Thought about what and how I was going to say it. And to whom? Played it out in my mind as though it was a script from an Oscar winning film?

 

People at work ~ below me, my peers, my bosses, their bosses?

 

R E S P E C T me!

 

They KNOW I've got morals, values, ethics, a standard, a creed, a "code" that I live by. That I stand for something, and that I won't just fall for anything!

 

That's the 'work side" of my life!

 

Back at the "Home Front" ~ Mrs Gunny knows that I'm more than willing to walk at any given moment, at any given time with nothing but the clothes on my back! She gets one shot at me, 'this' (as in 'us") She knows not to screw up a good thing that she's got with me.

 

Good women are easy to find! A good man is a hard thing for most women to come by!

 

I don't lie, I don't cheat, I respect others the way I would want to be treated if buy the 'Grace of God" I was them. I don't lay a hand upon others ~ and I expect the same from others!

 

To the OP?

 

What are you hanging around for?

 

One of the definitions of insanity?

 

Is continuously doing the same things over and over, and over again? All the while expecting DIFFERENT results?

 

What kind of example are you teaching the DS?

 

How to be cuckhold, supplicating, shadow of a man?

 

And it really doesn't matter about this or that?

 

Women 'bitch' test you ~ and that's what your DW is doing? She's 'bitch' testing you!

 

If you didn't work all of the time ~ 10 - 12 hour days? She'd still would be 'bitch testing' you.

 

"Why don't you go out and get a job and work your azz off? To provide for me and your DS? Why are you always up underneath me? Why don't you give me some room? Give me some space? Your always around?

 

I hate this s***!

 

If she worked a job and made more money than you?

 

"You're a lame azz SOB! Why don't you go and get a job and make some 'real money!" Your not my Daddy! You can't tell me what to do! You can't tell me what I can and can't spend money on!"

 

I hate this s***!

 

You can't win this game!

 

Mrs Gunny KNOWs I won't play this game!

[todreaminblue]

Hi all,

 

Sorry first off for the following, but I just need to get this off my chest. It has been going on since January 2012, and I just dont see any resolution or how to move past it.

 

My wife and I are coming up on our 17th anniversary, and over the years we have had our trials, ups and downs and through it all we stuck together. We had arguments, but in all honesty up till our 15th, you could have counted them on one hand!

 

Then just before our 15th my wife said she wanted to try again for a baby, we were both coming up on 40 and we had tried before over the years. I said I needed time to think about it, my career was in a funny place, and work were bullying me to work 12-14 hours a day as the company was struggling.

 

Eventually I agreed, and she came off the pill on our 15th anniversary, and it litterally took a couple of weeks and she was pregnant.

 

We had a few scares through the pregnancy, but eventually our son was born in January 2012.

 

Since then, we have had more arguments in the past 13 months than our entire time knowing each other.

 

She is constantly sarcastic, pushing me away, saying I dont spend enough time with our son, constantly asking for me to take him out so she can get a break, and really wearing me down.

 

Now my timetable on a normal week is - Mon-Fri get up about 6.30am, leave for work around 8am, get home at 7pm. As soon as I am home, I play with our son, take him for a bath, dress him, read a bedtime, brush his teeth, and put him to bed. Wife helps with clothes and stuff. By the end its 8pm. We have food, watch an hour of telly, then she sticks to my side until she goes to bed at 10.30. I am then left feeling like I am drained, no time to myself. I eventually go bed between 11 and 11.30.

 

Weekends, I am trying still to do his nursery, trying to do repairs to the house, our car, but weekends are normally Saturday "Lets go out as a family", so saturday gets wrote off, then Sunday is "why dont you take him out and give me a break".

 

I get no downtime to me, have not seen any friends in a year, and his room still needs doing.

 

The past 4 weeks have been flat out, and I feel exhausted.

 

Over the past year, the wife I married and love has changed, in to a sarcastic moaning negative woman, a woman I no longer know. Everything is a chore, everything she does for me is out of obligation, she has already admitted feeling obligated. I just do not know this woman any more.

 

At the moment the biggest issue is I no longer have any trust for my wife, it started Christmas day, our first as a family and our sons first christmas. I wanted it to be a happy day, one I would remember for a long time. But it wasnt. She insisted on helping him open his presents while I video, I got no involvement in it. Then it came to her presents, I went out and searched for over a month for a "mum" cup from our son, and got her presents from him, me and cards.

 

She got me nothing from him. I felt hurt, felt terrible, and a migraine appeared.

 

I tried to participate as much as I could, but had to lay down for a few hours, that just put her in a foul mood.

 

Boxing day, when I got up, she said "what the f*** was wrong with you yesterday", I explained and that just started the inner rage in her, she flew off the handle. Threw loads of hurtful stuff, and accused me of constantly picking on her and bullying. This cut like a knife, so I packed a bag and left, she screamed at me to go. So I felt there was no option, I had previosly walked out because of what she had said, but came back a few hours later. This time was different, she said a number of very hurtfull things, including above, said I was dramatising Christmas day, and did a present really matter. But yet I heard her on Christmas evening on the phone to her Dad saying her presents were crap.

 

After I left she tried to ring me loads, and for a number of days I refused to speak to her, trust for me is a big thing, and it was shattered.

 

In the end I actually went to the samaratins, and spoke with a counciller, we talked it over, and after many tissues I agreed it was worth trying one more time.

 

During this period I would only talk to her by email or text, and we exchanged a few, mine were normally detailed explaining how I felt, what happened from my view point, how hurt I feel, and how the trust has gone, hers were short, not very open, and she did appoligise.

 

Eventually I felt I could not miss seeing in the new year with our son, so I came home, but I did express that I did not know how to move on from the trust broken.

 

When I got home, all she could talk about was how well she managed on her own. Since then she is carrying on as though nothing is wrong, and we are back to the same.

 

Since she fell pregnant our sex life has all but gone, we made love probably twice since we found out she was, and then once when I got back on New Years eve, nothing since. She never tells me she loves me any more, and that used to be everytime before I left for work or went out, now.... nothing.

 

She looks after the house and I go out to work, over the past few months, everything has to have a "thanks" at the end, thanks for doing this, thanks for doing that. The word has no meaning anymore, she feels I should thank her for doing stuff around the house, when I said no one thanks me for going to work and bringing in money, she said why should there be, its my job.

 

I really dont know where to go from here, I know in my heart our marriage is in tatters, she saw a counciller for a few weeks as I begged her to, I was getting to the end of it with her mood swings and constant bad mood. She came home at the end of it "I dont need to go anymore, she is happy with me", I asked her if she showed any of my emails or texts when I walked out, "she doesnt need to see those, they are not relevant to her".

 

Really?

 

I have one thought constantly there, split and divorse, but I love my son and I love the wife I married, I know she is in there, I just dont know where to turn.

 

Its got that bad, I cannot sleep unless I either have a few beers/red wine, or puff a bit of weed before bed, and even then I am constantly tired and knackered and I know sooner or later it is going to affect my job. And its a job I love, I love the people and they think I do a cracking job.

 

Any advice welcome, especially from those that have been here.

 

Thanks

 

Fred

 

 

the last three pregnancies i had i went extremely low after birth, i did crazy things, i didnt get angry,but i did take on too much(unrealistic goals) which set me to fail which caused a deeper slump.......when i am depressed i just go quiet, and seeing i am normally bouncy people can tell..i stop eating lose weight unmedicated.it does sound like post depression but i would try to talk your wife into seeing a professional therapist instead of taking what is said on here ver batim.dont hold back how you feel explain to her how close you are to giving up yourself and you want to work it out with her......

 

 

 

anger is often apparent in depression my anger is always directed at myself...rarely at others...i can be short....but more sad than anything else.......and i push myself to the extreme.....trying to get myself out of it and just make things worse.......my partner was working on movie sets so i had the girls and my two boys to look after so i guess in a way responsibilities and commitments kept me grounded...your wife needs help but not you do everything help, she wanted to have another child now the hard yards come.....and therapy can make those yards easier to travel ...i am sorry you are having it hard...i hope things work out for you and your family..one thing i do know is that no matter how many times you are told come on buck up, .....snap out of it...often without therapy...you never will...strategies are needed to deal with irrational thought processes which is evident in any form of depression...i hope your wife can recognize the last time she was truly happy and realize she needs to deal with the fact she isnt now and probably hasnt been for a while....best wishes....deb

Edited February 20, 2013 by todreaminblue

[freduk]

....anger is often apparent in depression my anger is always directed at myself...rarely at others...i can be short....but more sad than anything else.......and i push myself to the extreme.....trying to get myself out of it and just make things worse.......my partner was working on movie sets so i had the girls and my two boys to look after so i guess in a way responsibilities and commitments kept me grounded...your wife needs help but not you do everything help, she wanted to have another child now the hard yards come.....and therapy can make those yards easier to travel ...i am sorry you are having it hard...i hope things work out for you and your family..one thing i do know is that no matter how many times you are told come on buck up, .....snap out of it...often without therapy...you never will...strategies are needed to deal with irrational thought processes which is evident in any form of depression...i hope your wife can recognize the last time she was truly happy and realize she needs to deal with the fact she isnt now and probably hasnt been for a while....best wishes....deb

 

I know my wife is going through a depression, it is so obvious, to me, but to everyone else she puts on a front, no one else seems to see it, she immediately puts up a shield as soon as I start talking and doesnt relax until I have finished and she has processed it. Like she is waiting for a dig or something. The faces she pulls are like thunder.

 

After 13 months of it, and being up front honest and open with my feelings towards her, her response is I need to get some help and its all in my head.

 

I feel like laying a choice, line in the sand, either we both equally work at it, or we go our separate ways, and if either is not willing to work 100% at it, then there is no point.

 

I have got to a part in my life where I start to ask questions, like why should life be this hard? Why should the partner you choose to live with make your life misserable, and why can love not be a happy place.

 

My love for my son is unquestionable, it is entirely without cost or thought to what I get in return, it is just there. It used to be the same for my wife, but its hard to love a brick wall that occasionally throws stones at you.

[freduk]

I have been thinking none stop about this, and the more I think the more I come back to that age old question, one that I have used throughout my career, "if you are asking yourself is it time to leave and move on, chances are you have already answered the question"

 

But almost 17 years marriage, and 20 years together is a lot to just give up on, but honestly I think I gave up the first time I walked, even though it was only for a few hours, those few hours seemed like days.

 

I dont want my son to have a misserable childhood, I dont want him playing the same game me and my sisters had, spend time with Mum and dont mention anything you did with Dad, and vice versa, not wanting to upset either parent.

 

This is going through my head every waking moment.

[freduk]

I really feel for you.

 

My partner of 17 years walked out taking my daughter with her at the end of September last year. Everything seemed to change when my daughter was born (she turned 5 yesterday). Although I worked full time doing long shifts my commitment to the relationship never seemed to be enough for her in the run up to the split. (My ex stopped work and stayed at home looking after my daughter).

 

I still cannot fully understand why she walked out as thought that after she fell pregnant (it was planned) our relationship would become stronger if anything, but in reality she seemed to become more distant and so much more critical of me.

 

I am fairly sure that either a mid-life crisis or hormones have played some part in my ex's behaviour, or possibly even some form of post natal depression. The problem is my ex is so headstrong that for her to admit something like this may be part of the problem would be very hard for her to swallow.

 

Although I used to babysit my daughter, bring her home from nursery, bathe her every night etc we are now in the midst of a legal battle over the house equity and my ex is restricting access and using our 5 year old as an emotional blackmail/bargaining weapon. I have only seen my daughter for 7 hours since the end of September. It is truly heartbreaking. I am living in a house which was once our jointly owned family home and now feels no more than a museum of broken dreams. I dont even want to live here anymore but due to the insult of a buyout offer that my ex has proposed and my solicitors advice I am staying put. It looks like we may be heading for the family court room.

 

I have suffered depression, anxiety and insomnia regularly and am in financial difficulty which I never have been before.

 

If I were you I would seriously consider speaking to a doctor about how you have been feeling. At the very least he can help you by prescribing something to help you sleep, or if things become bad to advise you on anti-depressants. There is no shame in taking ADs and they may be able to give you the necesary boost to get your life back on track.

 

I wish you all the very best and hope that you get what you wish for.

 

I really do feel for you, not having access to your child must rip you apart, it is so unfair that one parent can do this to the other. It takes 2, so it should be shared access unless there is a damned good reason.

 

And this is one of the worries I have, if we split, she has her fathers temper and stubborness, everyone else is always in the wrong, and I know she can be spiteful.

 

I just hope if it does go tits up, we can work something out.

 

I am planning on going to see a councillor or my GP to see about getting some help for me to cope and work through this.

[KraftDinner]

Now you fully understand and comprehend what Bruce Springsteen was singing about! :laugh:

 

Post natural, menopause, PMS, ADCO, BCO, bi-polar, hormones ~ yada ~ yada. Nothing but a bunch of letters in the alphabet to me.

 

Yea you (as in the SO) may be this or that? You know what? They've got medication for that when your brain chemistry is off balance.

 

Wish ya' luck with that ~ WITHOUT ME! :mad:

 

I can promise you for sure and certain that I bust my ever-loving azz eight, ten, twelve hours a day ~ everyday? And I have to come home to what you posted in your thread?

 

I'm not going to be going? I'm going to be gone! I won't be nothing but a memory in your mind ~ a clear pretty picture of a love that's dead and gone!

 

I can absolutely promise you this Old Boy isn't going to spend a life time trying to please what can't be pleased, satisfy what can't be satisfied, pacify what can't be pacified! Not-a-gonna do it!

 

My XHEX told me one time that she was going to "cut me off!"

 

I told her she could "cut me off" from what she's got and has to offer? But everything she's got? There's only about 3.5 BILLION other women in the world that have the same thing that she's got!

 

I've said it once ~ and I'll say it again!

 

"What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!"

 

I've got more to offer most women than most women have to offer me!

 

No brag, just fact!

 

So when it comes to a lot of women? Someone up and lied to them and told them that they've got the only vagina in the world?

 

Hate to be the one to break the news to them? But someone lied to them!

 

Somethings you've just got to reach deep down in your soul and grab a hold of.

 

Discipline is one of them. It must come from within? Or from without! There's a lot of folks that don't have self control and self discipline of themselves!

 

Another is respect! If you don't have respect for yourself? How in tha' Hell can you expect respect from anyone else?

 

I had to 'man up' two weeks ago at work, and just let the people that I work for what the real deal was? I pushed it to the limit, I thought about it long and hard. Gave a lot of thought to it? Plotted and planned the azimuth of the course that I wanted and had to take!

 

Made my move, made sure I had my flanks and rear end covered! It could have gone either way. Thought about any and all course of action, thought my words out? Thought about what and how I was going to say it. And to whom? Played it out in my mind as though it was a script from an Oscar winning film?

 

People at work ~ below me, my peers, my bosses, their bosses?

 

R E S P E C T me!

 

They KNOW I've got morals, values, ethics, a standard, a creed, a "code" that I live by. That I stand for something, and that I won't just fall for anything!

 

That's the 'work side" of my life!

 

Back at the "Home Front" ~ Mrs Gunny knows that I'm more than willing to walk at any given moment, at any given time with nothing but the clothes on my back! She gets one shot at me, 'this' (as in 'us") She knows not to screw up a good thing that she's got with me.

 

Good women are easy to find! A good man is a hard thing for most women to come by!

 

I don't lie, I don't cheat, I respect others the way I would want to be treated if buy the 'Grace of God" I was them. I don't lay a hand upon others ~ and I expect the same from others!

 

To the OP?

 

What are you hanging around for?

 

One of the definitions of insanity?

 

Is continuously doing the same things over and over, and over again? All the while expecting DIFFERENT results?

 

What kind of example are you teaching the DS?

 

How to be cuckhold, supplicating, shadow of a man?

 

And it really doesn't matter about this or that?

 

Women 'bitch' test you ~ and that's what your DW is doing? She's 'bitch' testing you!

 

If you didn't work all of the time ~ 10 - 12 hour days? She'd still would be 'bitch testing' you.

 

"Why don't you go out and get a job and work your azz off? To provide for me and your DS? Why are you always up underneath me? Why don't you give me some room? Give me some space? Your always around?

 

I hate this s***!

 

If she worked a job and made more money than you?

 

"You're a lame azz SOB! Why don't you go and get a job and make some 'real money!" Your not my Daddy! You can't tell me what to do! You can't tell me what I can and can't spend money on!"

 

I hate this s***!

 

You can't win this game!

 

Mrs Gunny KNOWs I won't play this game!

 

Your wife is one lucky woman.

 

Especially since everyone with a vagina is interchangeable.

[freduk]

Your wife is one lucky woman.

 

Especially since everyone with a vagina is interchangeable.

 

Thanks for killing the thread, normally best to ignore comments you dont like.

 

I had hoped that someone in a similar situation would have given some good advice, as I am now getting really desparate, starting to have nightmares, cant sleep, wake up through the night and migraines coming on regular. Wife does not want to talk, or if we do it starts an arguement.

 

How the hell do you get someone with Depression to get some help before its too late. I worry constantly for her, us and more importantly our son.

[K Os]

How the hell do you get someone with Depression to get some help before its too late. I worry constantly for her.

I know what a horrible feeling this is for you. The short and unfortunate answer, I'm afraid, is that you can't force someone with depression to recognise that they are suffering from it. Depression by its nature is a place where things close down and are shut off from the person themselves, including a clear view of their own state of mind and other states to compare it with, for example memories of happier times. It's a difficult thing to 'bust into' it from the outside. I'm sure depression was a major part of my wife's picture, but she wouldn't acknowledge it or agree in the slightest. The same as you describe with your wife, mine was able to function fairly normally and put up a very good front outside the home. I spoke to her doctor about the situation in strict confidence, and the doctor was grateful for my views and promised to explore further the next time my wife made an appointment. I don't know if anything came of that. Doctors here in the UK will listen to your concerns as a spouse, though, if you want to discuss it with them. They know spouses have insights that are otherwise unavailable. My wife's GP told me she would listen to me but could not divulge any information about my wife's medical records, and I asked if our conversation could be kept unrecorded, and she agreed. From a medical point of view, this is really about as far as you can go, unless your spouse becomes a physical danger to herself or others.

 

My situation is now different from yours in that my wife and I have separated. I still have concerns that she is suffering from depression, and if she is then I hope that living away from the maelstrom that we generated between us will help her to recognise it and do something about it. Even if it's too late for our marriage, I still hope she will get to feel better. I have to say, it has helped me at times to view my wife as a sufferer rather than as a pain.

[Gunny376]

Your wife is one lucky woman.

 

Especially since everyone with a vagina is interchangeable.

 

I don't agree. If Mrs Gunny was anyone other than the woman the good Lord made her, her parents raised her, the woman she's grown to become? I wouldn't have her. She'd just be another woman. I'm with her because of the unique person and indiividual person, and woman that she is.

 

She has one very unique and rare quality that is almost impossible to find in any woman! She puts up with me and my crap, and for some reason that I've yet to figure out? She's in love and crazy about me?

 

Its easy to go out and find yourself a woman! Its easy to go out and find yourself a one-night stand. Its easiy to go out an find yourself a piece of tail. Its not so easy going out and finding someone who's willing to go through the thick and thin of it, through the hard and lean times with you. Who's willing to be with you day in and day out. Who's willing to put up with your little quirks.

 

I'm the man of the house, but its because Mrs Gunny lets me be the man of the house ~ wants me to be the man of the house, and wants and needs me to be the man of the house.

 

I wear the pants in this house! And I've got Mrs Gunny's permission to say so!

 

I'm with her because I and we function well together. I'm with her because she compliments me ~ and us. I'm not really in charge, nor is she. Its the enitity of "Us" that the two of us make as a couple that is in charge.

 

I don't have to have her permission to do anything I want ~ nor does she have to have my permission. But we both like to have the others approval on most things. And to keep each other informed as to what's going on ~ to communicate ~ to keep the lines open. Its a little thing we like to call respect for one another.

 

She's not perfect? And at 51 she's no Playboy Bunny ~ but she's my Playboy Bunny. :love: :love:

 

Were it me? I make a Dr. appointment and then trick into us "just going for a ride" and when we got there tell her "Don't talk to the Dr. for me? Don't talk to him for you! Talk to him for "Us!"

[freduk]

I know what a horrible feeling this is for you. The short and unfortunate answer, I'm afraid, is that you can't force someone with depression to recognise that they are suffering from it. Depression by its nature is a place where things close down and are shut off from the person themselves, including a clear view of their own state of mind and other states to compare it with, for example memories of happier times. It's a difficult thing to 'bust into' it from the outside. I'm sure depression was a major part of my wife's picture, but she wouldn't acknowledge it or agree in the slightest. The same as you describe with your wife, mine was able to function fairly normally and put up a very good front outside the home. I spoke to her doctor about the situation in strict confidence, and the doctor was grateful for my views and promised to explore further the next time my wife made an appointment. I don't know if anything came of that. Doctors here in the UK will listen to your concerns as a spouse, though, if you want to discuss it with them. They know spouses have insights that are otherwise unavailable. My wife's GP told me she would listen to me but could not divulge any information about my wife's medical records, and I asked if our conversation could be kept unrecorded, and she agreed. From a medical point of view, this is really about as far as you can go, unless your spouse becomes a physical danger to herself or others.

 

My situation is now different from yours in that my wife and I have separated. I still have concerns that she is suffering from depression, and if she is then I hope that living away from the maelstrom that we generated between us will help her to recognise it and do something about it. Even if it's too late for our marriage, I still hope she will get to feel better. I have to say, it has helped me at times to view my wife as a sufferer rather than as a pain.

 

 

I am worried that its too late to save, she just won't let me in. Last night as I was walking from the Train station home from work, I had the same journey as so often now, full of dread, what am I walking in to, will she fly off the handle again.

 

Constantly walking on egg shells, feeling the knife edge, it is just sole destroying, I can feel myself getting sucked in to depression.

 

But then this morning, she was actually thoughful and had a coffee waiting for me when I got up for work.

 

Yet I know tonight I will be full of the same dread, and I will be back in the place of looking for an exit.

 

Life sucks.... it should not be like this, why does it have to be?

[Gunny376]

Your wife is one lucky woman.

 

Especially since everyone with a vagina is interchangeable.

 

With the EXCEPTION of Mrs. Gunny!

[Gunny376]

I am worried that its too late to save, she just won't let me in. Last night as I was walking from the Train station home from work, I had the same journey as so often now, full of dread, what am I walking in to, will she fly off the handle again.

 

Constantly walking on egg shells, feeling the knife edge, it is just sole destroying, I can feel myself getting sucked in to depression.

 

But then this morning, she was actually thoughful and had a coffee waiting for me when I got up for work.

 

Yet I know tonight I will be full of the same dread, and I will be back in the place of looking for an exit.

 

Life sucks.... it should not be like this, why does it have to be?

 

Sorry, but its late and I just got in from work ~ got to do the "Death March" work week ~ the curse of the Beast ~ 666 ~ Six till Six ~ six days a week. I promise you I'll give this more attention come this weekend.

[trippi1432]

Hi FredUk - In reading your thread, I can understand the depression/anger on her side and the reactionary depression/hurt on your side. It's hard to get someone to go to counseling if they don't believe in it or are afraid to face themselves.

 

The only thing you can do is work on you, go to IC and either learn coping methods to handle those hard times if you want to stay in the marriage or figure out if you can stay in the marriage. As Gunny has stated, it only takes one time for a woman to screw up and he's gone....there are a lot of men like that out there. It only took one time for me to screw up in a depressed state with a depressed man and he called it quits too. It's easy to get to that state with a depressed person, and from what I have read on your story, it sounds like you take things to heart and that's where it all hits you.

 

I would advise talking to your IC more about what you might be able to do to "help" her see her depression, how to talk to a depressed person, how to understand a depressed person and not dip into the depression yourself. My IC advised me yesterday that it sounded as if I have surrounded myself with "all or nothing" people. I realized, she is right....right here on LS you can find thousands. Sometimes people go from first gear to fifth without even using the clutch. It's the gears in between that make the ride smoother, you just have to learn a better way to drive the car. Sounds like that is a position you are both in, even if only one of you is driving and the other is there for the ride.

[freduk]

Hi FredUk - In reading your thread, I can understand the depression/anger on her side and the reactionary depression/hurt on your side. It's hard to get someone to go to counseling if they don't believe in it or are afraid to face themselves.

 

The only thing you can do is work on you, go to IC and either learn coping methods to handle those hard times if you want to stay in the marriage or figure out if you can stay in the marriage. As Gunny has stated, it only takes one time for a woman to screw up and he's gone....there are a lot of men like that out there. It only took one time for me to screw up in a depressed state with a depressed man and he called it quits too. It's easy to get to that state with a depressed person, and from what I have read on your story, it sounds like you take things to heart and that's where it all hits you.

 

I would advise talking to your IC more about what you might be able to do to "help" her see her depression, how to talk to a depressed person, how to understand a depressed person and not dip into the depression yourself. My IC advised me yesterday that it sounded as if I have surrounded myself with "all or nothing" people. I realized, she is right....right here on LS you can find thousands. Sometimes people go from first gear to fifth without even using the clutch. It's the gears in between that make the ride smoother, you just have to learn a better way to drive the car. Sounds like that is a position you are both in, even if only one of you is driving and the other is there for the ride.

 

I know I need to go see someone, I am carry baggage of my own, and over the years I learned to deal with it. But all of this is dragging it back and at the moment my Mother is terminally ill and on borrowed time, way past what her consultant said she would.

 

My dad and I didnt speak for 15 years after he cut me off, we started rebulding a few years ago, and to this day I still do not know why.

 

There are a few other things in my past that need dealing with, but with a young child, money is tight, and affording a councillor for me when my wife dearly needs it.

 

Rock and hard place.

 

At the moment I keep looking around the house, and working out what and how we would split. I can see the inevitable, but dont want it, I want my wife back, but there is a limit.

 

I know at the moment, like you say I am in fifth gear, but it was a gradual process, and a process that took over a year to get there.

 

Now most of the time, I am just waiting for the next explosion. In a desparate attempt to get my head square with little financial drain I went to the Samaratins, and spent a few hours there talking to someone, went through a lot of tissues, and came to the point that I do want this to work. I told my wife what we talked about, the outcome and where I am at, and that we both need to work at this equally, understanding each other. Understanding that even though we may be having a bad day, stress etc, we have to also understand that the other person maybe had the same, and if we cannot support each other, who can.

 

That lasted for a couple of days after I came back, and in no time back to the same.

 

I am both physically and emotionally drained, and just know that there will be another breaking point, if we get through it I will be surprised, as I dont think there is much fight left in me to work at saving us.

[trippi1432]

I agree that your wife needs the counseling more than you do to learn to deal with her issues...and it sounds like she is the first to fifth gear person at this time. Based on your story, this is not how she has always been.

 

Since IC is not an option, there are some free resources online with both Marriage Builders and Divorce Buster's that may help. Some would be good for her to see as well. Michelle Weiner Davis has some good videos on how women treat their spouses that might even make her think a little on how she is acting out these days.

 

Understand, it is very hard for people to see themselves and their actions/reactions.

[freduk]

Understand, it is very hard for people to see themselves and their actions/reactions.

 

Thanks for the resources, will check them out, but what you said in quote is so true. Over the past year I found that if a period of time went by between her actions and me telling her how upsetting they were, she has no recollection of her attitude or manner. Its only when I object immediately to her treatment of me she almost backs down and stops for a second to process. And I now everytime she does carefully word sometime to make her think and stop.

 

How effective it is I dont know in the long run, but these times give reference. Although so far only once has she actually realised completely that she was out of hand and was apologetic afterwards.

[trippi1432]

Its only when I object immediately to her treatment of me she almost backs down and stops for a second to process. And I now everytime she does carefully word sometime to make her think and stop.

.

 

Based on this FredUk, you have some of the necessary communication skills to help alleviate some of this dysfunction that has started in the marriage at this point. Objecting immediately in a positive way to help her see the behavior that is hurtful....and her reacting in a way that she stops and evaluates, it's actually progress. It also helps to keep you from burying it until it becomes frustration and resentment. However, anger to anger, I will say never works.

 

Looking at your first post and all that the two of you have taken on, on top of a baby at this stage of your lives, it sounds like a lot of chaos. For both of you. Of course, it's not your fault, it's not her fault, it's not the baby's fault, the dog, the cat, the mailman, the paper boy....you get what I am saying. It's LIFE. Life is what happens to us while we are living. It's easy to get "lost" in all of that and forget to appreciate what we have.

 

It sounds to me like you have the skills and compassion to help take the lead on what to do to take the chaos out of the middle and get your wife to better coping and communication skills. Personally, I feel you are still in first gear and what you stated is a good second gear. She goes from first to fifth, all or nothing and this is due to frustration in dealing with daily life. Not always this way I'm sure, it's circumstantial. Worst thing is going from first to fifth and seeing what gets left in the rear view mirror. To understand this gear concept, you need her to pull back to the same gear you are in....a state of compassion, a state of nurturing in the way you communicate with each other. Get her to I feel statements, use them too....let her know you understand her frustrations, do not let her verbally attack. When she does, repeat what she says and ask her if she really feels that way. Let her think...give her time to think. anger is always rash, logic comes after. Object in a positive way....to get to understanding, both of you have to use your empathy to understand each other's frustration.

[freduk]

Thought about this more and more, slept on it, talked to a friend that went through the same with his wife, and the more I think about it, the more I am realising that I love happiness more than I love my wife.

 

She is dragging me down and I feel the darkness of depression trying to swallow me in, I think our days are numbered and I am coming to the realisation that it may truly be over.

 

I think the next argument may be the last as husband and wife.

 

Sad day

[trippi1432]

I would say it's a shame that your friend went through the same exact thing. I'm sure that you need to take a lesson from him as he must have done things right and is happier now without his wife and family. I have a "well-meaning" friend too who tells me that I should be happier without a man in my life and be like her. I know her to also be miserable with herself and hate certain aspects of her life and is lonely. Sometimes you have to see the forest for the trees when is comes to those things.

 

So, she is dragging you down, she is responsible for your happiness? The problem is she is unhappy and making you responsible for hers, just as much as you are her. She needs to be responsible for hers, you yours and both of you need to be responsible for the happiness of your family and your child. It really shouldn't take another argument to get to that nor should it take setting fire to the forest.

 

I think I see a clutch out there on the road somewhere, fifth gear is wide open and the engine is about to blow. That one may be on you this time...make sure it's what you really want and what you can live with.

[freduk]

I would say it's a shame that your friend went through the same exact thing. I'm sure that you need to take a lesson from him as he must have done things right and is happier now without his wife and family. I have a "well-meaning" friend too who tells me that I should be happier without a man in my life and be like her. I know her to also be miserable with herself and hate certain aspects of her life and is lonely. Sometimes you have to see the forest for the trees when is comes to those things.

 

So, she is dragging you down, she is responsible for your happiness? The problem is she is unhappy and making you responsible for hers, just as much as you are her. She needs to be responsible for hers, you yours and both of you need to be responsible for the happiness of your family and your child. It really shouldn't take another argument to get to that nor should it take setting fire to the forest.

 

I think I see a clutch out there on the road somewhere, fifth gear is wide open and the engine is about to blow. That one may be on you this time...make sure it's what you really want and what you can live with.

 

I just cannot live like this any more, I have made so much effort, I have made concious effort to smile, never be in a bad mood, never raise my voice, and show affection. Since I got back on New Years eve, that has been me, I even brought some romance in on Valentines day, and that wasn't good enough.

 

Each and every day I am met with resentment, anger, sarcasm, no love, she never tells me she loves me, even though I do numerous times daily.

 

I can no longer live in a loveless relationship, no longer bang my head against a brick wall. I have tried everything to pull her out of it, and I just cannot do it any more.

 

I am starting to look at it, my son is living in a household with 1 depressed parent 24/7, if we split at least his time with me will be happy. I want him to have a happy childhood, and he is young enough that he wont remember us together.

 

I come from a split household, I know what its like for kids, I never wanted it for him, but I also don't want him growing up in a household where the parents are at each others throats, my parents did that for 10 years before they threw in the towel. It was a miserable existence.

[trippi1432]

Good luck Fred, I wouldn't wait for an argument though, you just need to sit down and have a calm talk and let her know you are done and why. Ultimately, when you are both done blaming each other, you will work out the co-parenting.

 

I advise staying away from the beer and pot though after you leave because, while you think divorcing will solve the issue, you will need to heal. All of that could affect your co-parenting and your job and the most important thing as a single dad is making sure your son is taken care of. Many single dad's here will tell you that.