SadnessNRegret Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 Hi all, it’s funny how so many of our stories are similar. My boyfriend and I are currently on a one-month break from each other, and I am in terrible pain because I realized I caused the relationship to deteriorate to the state it is. When we first started going out, it was awesome. We had all the right ingredients, we both had respect for each other, fun, shared the same interests, it was almost perfect. He even wanted to marry me! Of course, I wouldn’t be writing on this board if things remained the same. Due to my previous insecurities surrounding career, future, etc., I started to depend on him more and more, and tried to control our relationship to form a security net for myself. Furthermore, we were classmates in a small school, and everyone knows about our relationship. As a result, we were expected to be with each other most of the time, and we had to work together in a number of projects. As of late, I started feeling him withdrawing from me. When I questioned him, he told me that he has started to lose the magic he once felt. He said he still cares for me, but only as a family member. He feels really suffocated and tired. I managed to convince him to give things another try, but he wanted a one month break and asked me to keep my expectations low for a positive outcome, and that he felt the relationship is probably hopeless. School has ended and we will be working in different environments. I know I will be able to change back to the person that he fell in love with, but I am not sure how I can show him this side of me if I have no contact with him. He also happens to be a very stubborn person, so I have no confidence in changing his mind. It has been 3 days since I replied to his email and have not received any response back. Does anyone have any previous experience in getting back SUCCESSFULLY with their partners, and any recommendations to help me out? Should I contact him or wait for him to make the first move? It is so tough to sit and wait… and I miss him so much, and I regret my actions so, so much. I know he is the one for me, and I really don’t want to lose him for good. Link to post Share on other sites
BoyinWonder Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Read my post in "Second Chances" entitled Dreams do come true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 BoyinWonder, thanks for the post. It is comforting to know that happy endings are possible. How did you keep the faith alive for 6 months? Perhaps it is still too soon for me to feel less pain, but every single day that passes has not gotten easier. The fact that he has not called or emailed or tried to contact me has been very difficult to deal with. I try to fill my schedule with events but I feel miserable even in the company of friends. When I am at home, all I do is fight myself from crying and thinking about him. Link to post Share on other sites
BoyinWonder Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 It all about being you and living life. I guess I just knew in my heart how I felt about her. Knew it was meaningful being together and that we never really had any big issues. Just one that went completely wrong. We let eachother be I guess and seems as if she just realized just how much she missed us and me and the comfort I provided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 You are right. It's just tough for me to deal with the pain right now. I just wonder how long it will take for me to start feeling human again. I want so much to make amends, and have things go back to the way it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Starnette83 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Hey girl, i know how u must feel i was with my bf for 3.5 years and then i somehow started to depend on him, i went to the same school as him, and we saw eachother too much, i would get mad when he went out with his friends and stayed out til 4am or later and didnt call my cell..anyways he became suffocated and we began arguing alot Well a month ago we broke up and i really thought it be over for good, especially cuzhe is reallys tubborn!! Anyways i didnt call him for 5 weeks, but then a day before the 6th week i called him cuz i was drunk, we talked alot and he told me he miss me, now he wants to be back with me and im just showing him the other side of me, im keeping busy, going to school , gym and other stuf and showing him there is more beyond just him, where as before it seemed like i focus all my attnetion on him... i think that couples need breaks and i dunno if imma get back with my ex but ive seen him and havea good time with him! i love him Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Thanks Starnette83, really appreciate it. We didn't break up, but we having a break. For some reason, I just can't shake off the feeling that things are over. What breaks my heart was we were on the road to recovery just last week, but I totally screwed things up by asking and pushing him too much. I just don't know if he is willing to come back to me. Were you ever afraid that the more time passes he will get more used to time apart, instead of missing you? It's only been 4 days, I just don't know if I can handle 4 weeks. I don't like this me, and I want to work on it, but I just want the chance to show him who I really am. Link to post Share on other sites
sock83 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 hang in there trust me it's going to ok, One thing i want you to do though and it's so so very hard but give it a go. You said that you said some stuff and feel you are pushing him away, well i can tell being an emotional wrecxk will do that. What i want you to do is keep contact but try and remember how you guys before you first kissed, when you guys were just friends.... be that person, when you speak to him weather it be by phone or in person just be his freind. I want you you tell yourself this everytime you go and see him or speak to him on the phone. "i'm not going to expect anything and if something happens it will happen" no this takes the pressure off yourself and him as well, also if you want to cry and get all emotional dont do too him or infront of him be strong save all that stuff for your mum or best freiend whatever happens dont let him see that side of you, you can do all the crying you want but dont let him see it ok, thats very important. Im going thru the same situation as you and i was the emotional wreck for the first few weeks saying heaps of **** and really putting heaps of pressure on her and i could only see that i was pushing her away. One day i woke up and said no this is not going to work out if i'm like this and i decided to start from scratch and in last three weeks i have seen my ex 6 times and stayed at her place last night and she fell asleep in my arms, we are not back together but starting to fall in love all over again i think. Chin up if ya need some more advice let me know Remember give him space but not too much, call him, see him but let him also call you and want to see you, be freinds and be strong and make him smile with you. good luck w/b Sock83 21 y.o male Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Sock83, thanks for your advice. So, I shouldn't wait till he makes contact? How long should I wait? It seems that everyone lets the other party make contact when he/she is ready. Tomorrow is his graduation (kinda small function), and I told him I won't go to give him space, but I so want to see him and our other classmates too. On the other hand, I want him to see him when I am stronger and in better shape. He still hasn't replied to my email where I mentioned my indecision on attending the graduation. I really feel it's hopeless, he knows what I am going through yet why is he doing this to me? My only explanation is he really has no love left for me... Link to post Share on other sites
sock83 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 ok now let me tell you this, he already knows how much you love him and how much you want him back so telling him this over and over will only push him away and make him sick of you. If someone is bugging you (even though you dont feel that you are bugging him) you get irriated of that person, right. so dont bug him, look i am not going to tell you to go to his graduation or not to go that is a decision that is up to you, ok go with your gut, remember if you do go be strong, look as if you are having fun(even though it's killing you inside), whatever you do dont get emotional, tell yourself this " I am comming here today expecting nothing, if i dont expect anything then i wont get dissapointed, if something does happen well cool". Look every situation is different and in my situation i prefer to see my ex in private one on one, ok there is his graduation 2morrow 'go' but remember it's his big day and you dont want him to feel pressured by you being there starring at him, id go and say hello, congadulations give him a hug and smile but try and do this when he's by himself or around just one person don't do it if he's in a big crowd choose your time carefully. When you have said what you have to say (be strong) go and say i'll talk to you soon and then walk away. Find your frinds and then go and do you thing with them. That's what i would do. Look no contact works for some and not others, i believe if you stay freinds let them be and give them a reason to smile, why wouldnt they want you again!. i will tell you my story soon if you would like, i'm still going through my thing but it's getting better. How old are you by the way and how long were you two together? w/b i'll be on the net for about 1 more hour Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Totally agree that I need to go in with low expectations. In fact, that's what he told me to treat the relationship. I don't want to bug him, which is why I am hesitating to go tomorrow. I do want to see him one-on-one, but he wants to be apart for a month and after what I put him through, I have to respect that. We have been going out for the past 8 months, but we used to see each other everyday, and hang out almost every weekend except for the past month, and I'm 23. Thanks again... Link to post Share on other sites
sock83 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 I want you to know one more thing, There shouldnt be a time limit, for your sake, because all you will think about and he will as well is that in a month i kinda have to make a decision and youll be waiting for one. It's cruel to you, make some rules yourself in a nice way of course DONT PLAY GAMES!. Next time you are alone with him tell him that you dont think a months break is a good idea and we should wait to we are both ready and if we are ment to be then we are ment to be. It will kill you to say it but BE STRONG and give him something to worry about as well If you do this do it in a nice way and leave it untill your about to leave. Thats of course if you choose to do it. take it or leave it but in my sitation my girlfriend said two weeks and i was like waiting for two weeks to go and it killed me . It just puts too much pressure on and it's not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 You are SO right! It's only Day 4, and I am counting down till end of the month. I started planning my schedule till end of the month, and kinda kept next month's schedule at bay in hopes of doing something with him. Now that I think about it, seems so stupid! What if he decides to break it off for good then and I have to go through this pain all over again. But, I think I can only suggest the time period strike when I am emotionally strong. It's too soon now, I am just not ready to utter those words. I am beginning to lean more towards going tomorrow, thinking of emailing him to inform him (a very short note) and show up at the end of it to say good bye to some of our friends. And yes, I will take your advice, smile and ACT strong. Link to post Share on other sites
sock83 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Cool have fun ok, make sure you let me know how it goes and ill tell you if anything happens for me as well. Chin up, dry your eyes and get ready for a ride that you will learn from. talk soon sock83.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Will do. I'll post it once I get back tomorrow. I doubt it will be exciting, he's pretty non-expressive when people are around. Thanks, man. It's really comforting to read your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
sock83 Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 hey, Just a quick post, last night my ex called again 2 nights in a row!! pretty excited but not getting my hopes up too much. I think she is really starting to miss me! how did your day go, remember that if he didnt show much emotion it's because he's around a lot of people and it's also a big day., but i think you did the right thing by going, nothing in life is easy if you can just get thru this part you wil become much stronger. talk soon sock83 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 3, 2004 Author Share Posted September 3, 2004 Hey, Went well as well it could be. I noticed him looking at me when he received his diploma. We avoided each other for the most part after the ceremony (me and him were at opposite ends of the room) but before everyone left for lunch, we had a mini chat of 2 minutes. He asked if I was joining for lunch (they have one after the ceremony), told me his final grade, asked how work is, and told me that he came straight from a drinking party and that he is a little hung over. At the end, he gave me this weird pat on the back when we were parting. Don't know what to make of it, but at least I felt that he wanted to talk to me a little. Overall, glad I went coz I got to say good bye to some people, spoke to my favorite professor and got to witness his big day. It still isn't easy, but at least I am not moping (as much) and NOT in regret. Thanks so much for encouraging me to go... Glad she called 2 days in a row, that's a BIG sign for sure. I am sure this is the road to recovery. Mini congrats. Spoke to a friend and she went through the same thing. It was so creepy, her boyfriend said the same things to her. They didn't speak to each other for 3 weeks, but later they started back together. Now, it has been 6 months, and things are going really well. She had a tough time too, but she realized that she has to be tough with him, and grow stronger. Lessons to learn and encouragement for us... Link to post Share on other sites
asilisa Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 Hello all, My boyfriend did this same type of thing to me, he needed a break. Well that is great I told him, you can consider this a break up. Why should I sit around hoping that after this break you'll see the light? Why should you sit around hoping your boyfriend will see the light? It isn't fair. So for the 10 days that my boyfriend and I were broken up I went out and partied. He called me twice through out that time. Once to ask if I walked by his house, and the next time to get back together with me. My boyfriend and I Didn't have the best relationship because he has a lot of issues, and would blame me for everything. Well I decided I wasn't taking it anymore and he knew it. Since we've been back together 2 months things have been great. And I'm thankful for the break-up we had. So what I'm saying is I think you should consider this a break up -- until he starts acting like your bf again. cause right now he isn't acting like one. That way you won't have to go through the break up twice. Just my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadnessNRegret Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 Asilisa, thanks for your post. I agree with you... things have improved between me and my boyfriend since my last post. I have seen him twice, and we spent about an hour with each other. He admitted to missing me and showed that he still cares, but it was only after no contact that he was able to feel that way. At the same time, I feel more empowered about myself since I spent less time with him and more with my other friends, and had just as much fun without him. Before we left each other last night, he said we should start to talk to each other or maybe see each other. I am not going to get all excited about it, but at least I am hopeful that things are off to the right start. Link to post Share on other sites
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