If someone cheats, what will it take to get trusted again?

[MarnieLA]

If he/she actually confessed the following day it happened and was taken back but the relationship is been having rocky moments since then....what will it take to get that trust back?

 

In the story they've been trying to work on this for 6 months now. If it will never be the same again, will it at least get close to how it was before?

[uni-versal]

If he/she actually confessed the following day it happened and was taken back but the relationship is been having rocky moments since then....what will it take to get that trust back?

 

In the story they've been trying to work on this for 6 months now. If it will never be the same again, will it at least get close to how it was before?

 

I don't think so. I'm not quite sure why you're being so vague and using the third person here, but that's besides the point.

 

Once someone has cheated, the other person may say they trust them again, but do they really? If someone you loved cheated on you, wouldn't the image of them screwing someone else always haunt you? Wouldn't you wonder if they were doing it again all the time?

 

I don't think trust could ever be fully regained. But then again, thats just a 19 year old teenager's opinion. Some people stay married after cheating occurs.

[MarnieLA]

I don't think so. I'm not quite sure why you're being so vague and using the third person here, but that's besides the point.

Guess I want to give it as anonymous and will be referring to the cheater in third person.

 

If someone you loved cheated on you, wouldn't the image of them screwing someone else always haunt you? Wouldn't you wonder if they were doing it again all the time?

Probably but at some point if you're willing to stay with them, then there has to be a way to replace those thought.

[Darren Steez]

]Guess I want to give it as anonymous and will be referring to the cheater in third person.[/b]

 

Probably but at some point if you're willing to stay with them, then there has to be a way to replace those thought.

 

? You're anonymous anyway...you're writing in a forum under a pseudonym

[its a lifestyle]

I don't follow the flock...

 

People bang on about how "you should trust them no matter what" etc etc etc...

 

That's not how it works in my world, trust is earned like respect... much of it relates to instinct and gut feelings, at start of a relationship you don't know the person, you can't trust people you don't know...

Over time a 6th sense between 2 people is established, you just know if you can trust that person or not, you have built up a connection between the 2 of you and trust is earned/formed, or not.

 

Also, it relates to how they will "test" your trust, if they're doing things which can jeopardise your trust then they're already showing that they can't be trusted.

 

Never listen to words, just watch the actions,

 

And if it does surface that they cheated, not only can they NEVER be trusted again, they never should have been trusted in the first place... evidently.

[animalover]

I would never (ever) take back a woman who has cheated on me... having said that and since that is not your case... I don't think trust can ever be restored... trust is something that can't be fixed... you either deserve it or not... you can only lose it once.

The cheated person will always have in the back of his/her mind the fact that you cheated once... what will prevent you for doing it again? You have been proven capable of cheating... that will follow you till the end of your relationship...

Many couples try to reconcile after one of the cheat but very few actually make it...

[MarnieLA]

? You're anonymous anyway...you're writing in a forum under a pseudonym

True. I'm a woman but that's not my real name.

[MarnieLA]

And if it does surface that they cheated, not only can they NEVER be trusted again, they never should have been trusted in the first place... evidently.

So there is no hope at all?

[its a lifestyle]

So there is no hope at all?

 

nope, nada

[road]

So there is no hope at all?

 

 

Tell us your story. Married? Dating? What?

 

Knowing nothing the advice you will be given will be worth the same.

[aed]

So there is no hope at all?

 

ofcourse there is hope.... but the cheater must look at her/himself and work hard on their one issue's. Why where they not confident enough to talk about their issue's. why where they not confident enough to break things off, etc.

 

 

they need to take full responsibility for their decisions and learn from it.... when they can't or don't there is no hope in that relationship. new relationships I don't know forsure, but i think it is still needed.

[MarnieLA]

Tell us your story. Married? Dating?

2 year-old relationship

What?

I think confessing might have been a mistake. I wonder what if it didn't really involve sex in the cheating; well not sure if oral sex and the other things would count as sex then would the recovery process be faster than had it involved sex?

 

Reason: I don't know.

Alcohol involved: No

Was there a chance of it being discovered: Slim but still confessed the next day. Technically it's the right thing to do but now I don't know. Maybe it wasn't and you should just being guilty and carrying it to the grave is the better way to go.

[animalover]

2 year-old relationship

I think confessing might have been a mistake. I wonder what if it didn't really involve sex in the cheating; well not sure if oral sex and the other things would count as sex then would the recovery process be faster than had it involved sex?

 

Reason: I don't know.

Alcohol involved: No

Was there a chance of it being discovered: Slim but still confessed the next day. Technically it's the right thing to do but now I don't know. Maybe it wasn't and you should just being guilty and carrying it to the grave is the better way to go.

 

This is funny... you should regret the cheating.. not confessing it...

Actually confessing your cheating was the only decent thing you did... and the only thing that may save your relationship...if your bf would have found out for other way... your chances would have shrank badly!

[its a lifestyle]

2 year-old relationship

I think confessing might have been a mistake. I wonder what if it didn't really involve sex in the cheating; well not sure if oral sex and the other things would count as sex then would the recovery process be faster than had it involved sex?

 

Reason: I don't know.

Alcohol involved: No

Was there a chance of it being discovered: Slim but still confessed the next day. Technically it's the right thing to do but now I don't know. Maybe it wasn't and you should just being guilty and carrying it to the grave is the better way to go.

 

Confessing to your partner shows guilt.. a shade of dignity, and shows that you at least care about the person and do not want to deviously take advantage of them.. "besides in slutty heats of the moments"...

 

 

If I had somebody who I knew, absolutely 100% guaranteed would tell me if they cheated on me, I could possibly with a lot of deep soul searching find it in me to forgive them.. just maybe.

 

But, 99.9999% of the time, the trust IS forever broken.

[Darren Steez]

No alcohol and oral. At least if alcohol was involve it would have softened the blow just a tiny bit. No alcohol means you absolutely were clear headed and you still did it anyway.

 

You never get that trust back, not like it was. If you were lucky get to that 100% unquestioned trust in the first place, do you think if the roles were reversed you would just go ahead and say ok I trust you again even though your boyfriend/girlfriend had oral with someone else.

 

It takes a heck of alot of work just to prove you still love them and show them that they are the one for you. But it's never the same. Never.

[road]

This is funny... you should regret the cheating.. not confessing it...

Actually confessing your cheating was the only decent thing you did... and the only thing that may save your relationship...if your bf would have found out for other way... your chances would have shrank badly!

 

The truth

[MarnieLA]

This is funny... you should regret the cheating.. not confessing it...

Actually confessing your cheating was the only decent thing you did... and the only thing that may save your relationship...if your bf would have found out for other way... your chances would have shrank badly!

In a way yes. Though I felt all it did was release my guilt while placing all that burden on him. Still, I just couldn't go through all that process of looking in his eyes, smiling and pretending nothing happened. How can so many do that? I don't know.

 

But yes, had he found out elsewhere other than through me than I wouldn't even be consider as a friend. I would be nonexisting to him.

 

Though I have to say this wasn't easy at all.

[MarnieLA]

The truth

I did. I didn't hide any facts.

[MarnieLA]

No alcohol and oral. At least if alcohol was involve it would have softened the blow just a tiny bit. No alcohol means you absolutely were clear headed and you still did it anyway.

 

You never get that trust back, not like it was. If you were lucky get to that 100% unquestioned trust in the first place, do you think if the roles were reversed you would just go ahead and say ok I trust you again even though your boyfriend/girlfriend had oral with someone else.

 

It takes a heck of alot of work just to prove you still love them and show them that they are the one for you. But it's never the same. Never.

I know. I wasn't going to make up a story about how drunk I was nor call it a mistake (well it is, making a bad choice/action is a type of mistake). My only answer when asked why was ''I don't really know''. If I say anything else it would have probably been a lie or it would sound like I was trying to give excuses.

If roles were reverse, more than likely I would be just as devastated as he still is. This is why before confessing I said something along this way when he asked what happened, why are you like sad.

''I'm going to tell now. I really have bad news. Please listen and when I'm done talking, say anything you want''. Then I just say it all, trembling at the same time when saying it. Then I stopped, took a deep breath and continue till the end of the event.

 

When I asked why and I didn't know what to say so I said ''I don't know''. I know this was one of the worst possible answer and perhaps played a role in devastating him even more but anything else would have probably been a lie.

[sunbeach200]

My partner confessed too. It was written all over him that he was guilty. There was no way he could have kept his infedelity a secret. no alcohol involved either.

 

When he told me I felt he had hit me with a baseball bat. He also could not explain why he did this. The next four months were terrible between us. Very very painful. I ended up taking anti depressants just to get through the day.

 

It's been 8 months now and I have better days than bad. He is doing everything he possibly can to prove to me that he is committed to our relationship. Do I trust him? I never will 100 percent but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. The trust I have for him is good enough for me.

 

Are we close? Yes very much so. My partner really ****ed up but he has shown true remorse and is trying to make amends. Not many people can confess to a mistake and take full responsibility for it. I have a lot of respect for him because of the way he is trying to make things right.

 

It has changed me though.i use to think he was the best thing on earth. Now I see him as a man with lots of issues. I still love him but its a different kind of love. I love him but can/will throw him out if he messes up again. I guess what has changed is that I love myself far more now.

Edited February 21, 2013 by sunbeach200

[MarnieLA]

It's been 8 months now and I have better days than bad. He is doing everything he possibly can to prove to me that he is committed to our relationship. Do I trust him? I never will 100 percent but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. The trust I have for him is good enough for me.

 

Are we close? Yes very much so. My partner really ****ed up but he has shown true remorse and is trying to make amends. Not many people can confess to a mistake and take full responsibility for it. I have a lot of respect for him because of the way he is trying to make things right.

In my case, it's been 6 months later. Just like your bf, I'll never get 100% trust but I guess at some point it will get close. I still don't know why I did that but I'll never forget his disappointment expression. He didn't really cussed nor yelled at me and was actually calmed when I told him but at some point it seemed like he was about to cry. His words after I was done telling him were: You know, you killed me on the inside.

 

I've answered what, where, how, whom questions but not the why. Sometimes he gets distant and sometimes it's ok.

[pbjbear]

Nope. I would not be able to trust again. If you cannot trust your partner close to 100% the relationship is not worth it.

[loversquarrel]

It is never the same. He can never, ever look at you and say "I trust you with everything". It's an empty, depressing feeling.

 

You can no longer expect him to be faithful or honest with you. Some day the resentment will build and he may very well take the "She owes me one" attitude.

 

As far as the "I don't know" - what utter B.S. You do know. Just as all other cheaters know. Just as he knows. YOU WANTED TO.

 

You two may stay together, but in all honesty the only way you will learn from this experience is if you lose him in the process. Especially if you care about him.

[MarnieLA]

As far as the "I don't know" - what utter B.S. You do know. Just as all other cheaters know. Just as he knows.

What else was I suppose to say? Anything would have sounded as an excuse. I just didn't want to make up excuses.

You two may stay together, but in all honesty the only way you will learn from this experience is if you lose him in the process. Especially if you care about him.

It really hurts me seeing him like this and me being the cause of it. I wish there was a way to make him happy again but there isn't.

[MarnieLA]

Was the fleeting sexual pleasure you may have had with the other guy worth it? was it worth it to lose the special relationship you had? was it worth it to break the heart of someone you claim to love?

No, it wasn't.

Cheating is always an act of supreme selfishness where the cheater put his/her sexual satisfaction above the well being of the person who most trust them and love them in the world...

I know. Hence why there is no point to even dig out reasons why it happened. Even if I would have been drunk, it would still sound like excuses.

But he still sometimes asks why it happened. I think he's trying to get me to state a reason instead of giving none. But I can't find any reason and this is what devastates him the most. I get the feeling that if I were to randomly state a reason (any) it would ease him a bit but I can't help him in that part.

 

The only thing I can help him in is reasurring that I love him still, continue letting him check my hotmail account if he wants to (there is nothing new that I haven't said on my confession) and not cheating on anyone ever again.

I have no background of ever being abused nor molested (nothing but well brought-up parents so yeah there isn't really anything that saved me except maybe my confession). It wasn't a rocky relationship either and even so, that would still not excuse it.

Edited February 23, 2013 by MarnieLA